Warning: this is a shit and boring question.
Moral dilemma:

I know I’m a spastic for asking the internet for advice on such a matter but I am looking for third party opinions as I cannot work out what to do here.

My kid’s nearly four. She’s never stayed at my house even though there’s nothing wrong with it at all – it’s clean and tidy, there's nothing hazardous about it and it's only a few minutes down the road from my ex's. I told her today that I wanted to talk about my kid staying and her reply was ‘talk to a solicitor’. The only way I can afford to take her back to court is if I use my maintenance money to pay for it. There is no other way (Blur's etc).

Should I just take it on the chin and keep on putting up with my three hours a week of court ordered access, or potentially cause short-term suffering in the cause of the long term good?

I really don’t know what to do here. I’ve tried deleting my account etc – also my mum etc.

Thanks.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 14:53, Reply)

You are allowed to stay over at hers though and have unsupervised access when you do see her
You aren't therefore going to run off with her or anything so see if she can give you a valid reason for this (I know!)

Try and keep things civil wherever possible (or raid your Mum for more cash)
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 14:56, Reply)

Mum not an option - I already owe her 10k.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:03, Reply)

I know
Hence more tapping up!
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:04, Reply)

Have you tried deleting your mother and fucking yourself?
Do you really think spending (what will no doubt amount to being) several thousand pounds when there isn't much more than little chance of change?

Also going back to court and having her say 'he hasn't paid maintenance for months' wouldn't look good for you in front of the judge.

EDIT: not worth it IMHO.
( Battered Would you really have a negro run our firm?, Tue 8 May 2012, 14:57, Reply)

Nice twist

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 14:58, Reply)

The thing about the maintenance is
that it's paid in cash and not declared to the benefits agency. If I have to bring all this up she'll be exposed as a fraudster. I might be able to get what I am looking for with just a solicitor's letter.

Also, potentially I might never get anything other than three hours a week unless I try to tackle this now.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:01, Reply)

Could swipe not get you a letter done up on headed paper?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:02, Reply)

That's asking a bit much though eh?

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:03, Reply)

Not really, no
It doesn't even have to be backed up or anything, just look official and be full of legalese
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:05, Reply)

not if he wants it to be effective
i couldn't use my firm's without charging £400 plus VAT an hour. and i've never done any family law, so the advice would be Wrong.

but i know a man-who-can.
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

Ask a solicitor
would certainly help. Go swipe!
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

^Fucking hell it's the internet^

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:05, Reply)

?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:09, Reply)

i definitely think getting a property lawyer you know online to fake a legal document to you is a really good idea

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

You're asking her to get sacked and throw away her career
Sending a letter on the firms paper is pretty much tantamount to malfeasance or the equivalent, as it puts their professional indemnities at risk. She works as a com prop/lit solicitor for a city firm of solicitors who wouldn't do family law if their heads were on fire, there is no legitimate reason for sending 'mates letters' at all. That'll be gross misconduct and a nice escorted trip from the office for a final time please.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

rory is 100% accurate, here, online

( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

Fair do

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:15, Reply)

i'll do it, 50p per word

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:28, Reply)

Ah. It makes more sense for you to attempt it now you have explained in more detail. Might as well start with the solicitors letter

( Battered Would you really have a negro run our firm?, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:09, Reply)

I don't think maintenance payments are taken into account regarding benefits.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:17, Reply)

Aye, have a look here:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ChildMaintenance/Arrangingchildmaintenance/DG_199174
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:20, Reply)

I had a quick look as well
it said it doesn't affect income-based benefits; I'm not sure if that encompasses all benefits ie, disability allowance, council tax benefit etc which I would assume she is on?
(berk no mistakes no misbehaving, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:31, Reply)

Aye, I think you're right.
It would affect council tax benefit and housing benefit and the like.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:37, Reply)

That’s only been the case for the past couple of years: the first two years of my kid’s life they should’ve been declared.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:33, Reply)

I think you should let me know what the name of that steak restaurant in Hackney is.
And then, if you're very good, I might take you there one night.
( Bazongaloid Superfly MAYDAY with a badger gonna GIT yo sucka!!!! says "GO SWANS" in that there 'stralian football, Tue 8 May 2012, 14:57, Reply)

Buen Ayre on Broadway Market

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:01, Reply)

I suddenly feel a visit coming on.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:22, Reply)

From what you have posted previously about your ex, it seems as though this is never going to be easy.
I think persistence may be the key. You should mention it every time you see her. Try to point out potential benefits for her. Try to appeal to her reasonable side (does this exist?).
If she trots out the solicitor line again tell her that you don't want to involve solicitors. It would cost her money too, if it went to court.
Get your daughter on side too - ask her if she'd like to stay. Tell her you really want her to stay, etc.
Did the court really only award you three hours a week? That is fucking shit.
( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:03, Reply)

It cost her fuck all last time.
It cost me seven grand.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:05, Reply)

How does that work out?
I'm pretty sure that you should be entitled to more than three hours access a week. If it did end up in court again, she could stand to lose a lot more.
I would keep pushing the non-legal approach for as long as tolerable though.
( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:09, Reply)

Because she doesn't work and is on benefits
and is therefore entitled to legal aid. Which Monty, as he earns above a certain threshold (even if it is almost entirely spoken for) is not. Or so I would imagine.
(berk no mistakes no misbehaving, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:10, Reply)

Correct.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:16, Reply)

Why do you not pay the maintenance money through the CSA?

( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:07, Reply)

You dont have to
Only if you had to get an agreement
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:09, Reply)

I know you don't have too
But surely you can insist to. Which gives him ammunition surely?
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:10, Reply)

Possibly
Though this could have "creditor" issues
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:11, Reply)

No you can't - see below.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:12, Reply)

Get back to them.
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ChildMaintenance/Arrangingchildmaintenance/DG_199213
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:24, Reply)

I tried to hand myself in to the CSA before I took her to court last time.
'I'm the father of this kid and I'd like to go on the books as such and start paying'.
'Sorry sir we can't help you because you're the father - this has to come from the mother. Have you tried Citizens' Advice Bureau?'

The arrangement to date has meant that my kid gets the maximum money.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:11, Reply)

So you could just refuse to pay anything until the mother contacts the CSA
But that would mean your kid going without.
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

I've thought about this but discounted the idea for that reason.
I'd only stop paying if I needed to use the money for legal fees.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:14, Reply)

i wonder if there is something in this
certainly in telling your ex that you won't be paying another penny until you get access. and that you'll happily tell the CSA the same thing.

however, the cash will be set aside for mini-boyce and will accrue each week.
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:15, Reply)

See I'm not totally thick and spazzy
Stick it in a jar and if you don't need it for legal fees use it to buy her a fucking massive horse and then send her to her mothers with it
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:16, Reply)

Silly Phillie
Horses don't fit in jars
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:18, Reply)

Not one jar
But many jars.
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:21, Reply)

Of course, of course
Many jars full of horse
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:25, Reply)

It is a well established fact
that your ex is a windowlicker of the highest order. I doubt she will ever respond to reason or appeals to her better nature. She has no legal or physical basis to deny you this access and is probably only saying it because she knows full well you cannot afford to take her back to court. Even if you did take her back to court, is there any guarantee that she would comply with any further court order? She frequently cancels or changes your visits now - she's basically got your balls in a vice with this one.
However. Can you prove that you are giving her maintenance money, and that she's a benefits fraud? It could well be that a threatening solicitors letter may scare her sufficiently to get better access.

EDIT - is there no way you could expose her as the lying, cheating, scrounging lunatic she is and get sole custody?
(berk no mistakes no misbehaving, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:09, Reply)

commercial legal solutions from swipe LLP duly texted!
stupid fucking bitch your ex is x
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:10, Reply)

also fake-namer
is definitely quentin. he smells like him, sounds like him, and is generally him.
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:12, Reply)

fake namer as in the guy who keeps changing his name?
not me, his spelling is too good, his posts too poor and he said 'lob-on' which made me do a :((((
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:19, Reply)

Are you impotent?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:19, Reply)

i am very impotent, i'm the most impotent person here

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:21, Reply)

Bless you.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:12, Reply)

For what it's worth Monters
Your ex is a terrible cunt. What exactly is her objection to your kid staying at yours? If you are permitted unsupervised access then you quite clearly are not a danger to her or anything like that. So what is her problem?

Obviously we don't know the full background to this, but I completely fail to understand how your ex can get away with being such a cunt. I appreciate that your financial issues prevent you from taking her through the courts, but what possesses the silly bint to act this way? How can she possibly believe that it is healthy to deprive her daughter of access to her father?

FWIW, although my ex is named as the 'resident' parent of my 2, I have them 50% of the time. I don't pay my ex any maintenance at all, although I pay for my kids activities etc. It's all pretty amicable, and the kids are happy and settled.

I cannot get my head round why your ex insists on acting like a petulant child, and more importantly, how the fuck she gets away with it. Can you not get any kind of legal aid for this?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:10, Reply)

I asked her for her objections today:
'I do not wish to discuss this'

I don't qualify for legal aid as I earn too much.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:13, Reply)

Well you quite clearly do wish to discuss this.
Presumably your financial obligations to your creditors don't carry any weight in terms of getting legal aid then?

I would suggest that Citizen's Advice is your best bet, but I assume you've already tried that?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:19, Reply)

have you tried putting it in a way that explains the benefits to her?
i would really like for you to have a longer break, imagine having a whole evening to yourself and a lie-in for a change, or maybe even a whole weekend to do as you please here or therE?

just imagine it, you can go to the pub, get drunk and not have to worry about the next day, go on, you know you want to etc etc
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:20, Reply)

THIS^
Excellent advice
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:22, Reply)

oh fuck
thats it, i'm leaving
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:22, Reply)

FR SRZS

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:23, Reply)

Or you could frame her for some unsolved murder in her area.

( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:23, Reply)

Just one more thing

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:23, Reply)

like leaving a headless torso in the canal near her house...?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:24, Reply)

Again?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:24, Reply)

i can't believe monty ignored the most sensible post int his whole thread
what a cock

i hope his son and his wife die in a fire
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:27, Reply)

His Son?

( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:31, Reply)

yeah, the one he farms drugs with on weeknights

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:32, Reply)

I have indeed

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:44, Reply)

oh right
fucking kill the cunt then, i'll happily burn the fucker to the ground if you want?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:01, Reply)

Want me to cunt her in the fuck etc?

( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:14, Reply)

thats how he got in this mess to begin with!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:15, Reply)

Yes please.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 15:15, Reply)

I'll write her a letter
But to be honest I think Gonz should.
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:17, Reply)

haha!
This^
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:17, Reply)

LETS ALL WRITE HER A LETTER!
AND SET UP A FACEBOOK PAGE!!

and then delete our accounts and kill ourselves.
( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:19, Reply)

You first

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:20, Reply)

I'm going to kill myself and THEN delete my account because I'm cooler than the rest of you.

( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:20, Reply)

OK I can't pay your legal fees
But I can afford to hire some climbing gear and a couple of Batman costumes, if you can stump up for a badly spelled banner made from a bedsheet and black spraypaint.
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:20, Reply)

I can lend him the climbing gear for nowt.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:22, Reply)

BOYCOUTT THE CLUB

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:23, Reply)

I'm going with him
I'm a father and I want JUSTIIIIIICE for Monty.
( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:25, Reply)

You don't have the balls

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:26, Reply)

Boooooo

( PhillieJoe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:29, Reply)

It won't be....tee hee..... it wouldn't be...... ho ho........ the first time...... heeheheheh...... HE'S BEEN HIGH.
HAhahaahhahahaha, short and longhul flights.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:51, Reply)

No idea, ask a question I can answer.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:33, Reply)

wahts your name?
what color is the sky?
whats the oppostie of on?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:35, Reply)

PsychoChomp
The sky is technically colourless however depending of concentration of gases it can appear blue (nitrogen) white-dirty brown (hydrocarbons) or red (water droplets and dust particles)
Off
(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:37, Reply)

haha!
psychochomp made an overly long and tedious post again as usual
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:38, Reply)

I think you'll find that post was both charming and witty.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:39, Reply)

yes it was

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:42, Reply)

People always neglect the other options when it comes to on/off, such as null.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:50, Reply)

I don't think null is the opposite off on

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:51, Reply)

No, but its an option out of the two.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:52, Reply)

A bit how black _is_ still a colour.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:52, Reply)

A lazy one

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:53, Reply)

but null still isn't the opposite of on

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:53, Reply)

SHUT UP IM BEING A CLEVER CLOGGS HERE.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:59, Reply)

but it isn't

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:02, Reply)

I know it isn't, but the common conception is that the _only_ options is on and off, when there is a third option; none at all.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:08, Reply)

but none at all isn't the opposite of on

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:09, Reply)

Black is the colour of my true love's hair

( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:55, Reply)

Black is the colour of all the doors on my road, they were red but I took a fist full of pills and my ipod changed songs.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:59, Reply)

Thanks Mick Jagger

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:01, Reply)

Better Call Saul.
She needs some "attitude adjustment".

Really though, she's using her own daughter as a weapon against you. All you can really do is put up with it, fighting as best you can, until you can get yourself straight and take her to the cleaners.
( Kroney Nyommy beaver anal glands nyomnyomnyom, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:34, Reply)

Tigh? He'll vent the bulkheads to stop the spread of fire and no mistake.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:35, Reply)

Goodman

( Kroney Nyommy beaver anal glands nyomnyomnyom, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:37, Reply)

he's not that good, he killed his own wife.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:48, Reply)

MEMEMEMEMEME

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:50, Reply)

Short term suffering for long term good.
Do you see your current situation carrying on with all parties happy and content? If not something has to change so you may as well initiate it and have a modicum of control than play catch up with your psychotic cunt of an ex.
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:39, Reply)

I declare this a beaker thread.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:47, Reply)

I declare
I declare, eh?

It's all mememememememememe!
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:50, Reply)

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME?
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME
MEMEMEME
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:50, Reply)

I apologise. It’s a v selfish one I know.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 16:00, Reply)

Has swipe's text helped?
I know I love a tit-text
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:00, Reply)

He's fresh back from his bogwank

( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:01, Reply)

i heard she's so busy wanking off gay men she actually has to type all her texts with her nipples

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:01, Reply)

...and now i feel dorty again

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:02, Reply)

I'm just sad you didn't ask a question about spreadsheets or homebrew.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:16, Reply)

Mate, she's thick. Let's say she is a money grabbing cow, and I'm not saying she isn't... she'd be better off that cash ending up in her or your daughter's hands than it would be in some solicitors.
I know you say your yard is safe, and I ain't sayin' it's not... but I'd recomend getting yourself in a possition to take a drug's test if you do go the court side of things. She's proper hurting the kid with this attitude, if she does believe you're a danger, then she should be giving no access except maybe supervised. If she doesn't think you're a danger, then she should be alright with you having her more often.

The Jermey Kyle thing is sounding more and more like a good sollution; hay, if it works, then he'll be alright. If it doesn't work, then you've only made yourself into a prat to those who watch that kind of show (and me.)... there was some bloke on it today who came off as well good, turned out he wasn't the dad but he was proper good.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:49, Reply)

ME

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 15:50, Reply)

we need a good business idea for you
a small but important part of my role is to facilitate introductions between our lending/investing clients and people with good ideas, esp in clean-tech or other sciencey things. last one was able to get £10M backing.

so we get you a good idea, we get you funding, you make a shitload of money, and then you get a solicitor to shit on her from the top of the shard.
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:03, Reply)

if we're going to screw psychochomp's reclaimation idea
i'm in
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:04, Reply)

i didn't bother reading it
was it worth nicking?
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:09, Reply)

he wants to recycle landfill waste on a large scale for profit
its got legs, but would take more equity than any of us could ever have
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:11, Reply)

that's the point of knowing people who can introduce you to those who DO have the equity, i guess
or those who HAVE the equity. that would be even quicker.
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:12, Reply)

it'd take more than the cast of dragons den to get off the ground

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:14, Reply)

introductions from accountants or law firms etc are the way forward if you don't have your own contacts
you can either sell the idea or get the backing to do it yourself if you meet the right people and you can then convince them.

step one is actually harder than step two. you can't just waltz up to a big city firm and say "introduce me up, bitches." it's all about who you know.
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:17, Reply)

just go on Dragon's Den
easy
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:14, Reply)

An ice cream van selling paedo ice cream

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:07, Reply)

A shop selling long waits lol

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:08, Reply)

etc etc

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:08, Reply)

my trainee spent a while scouring the cupboard for a verbal agreement stamp
i enjoyed that
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:10, Reply)

Send them to the bogs with some tweezers to hunt for the all important interlocutory pubes

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:12, Reply)

talking pubes?
nice
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:13, Reply)

Stray toilet pubes are the best kind

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:14, Reply)

then
what the blue fuck is the worst kind?
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:20, Reply)

stuck in your teeth pubes

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:21, Reply)

Stuck in THEIR teeth pubes are worse

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:22, Reply)

you shouldn't be licking toilets

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Says who?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Pizza pubes

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:22, Reply)

stealers wheel's less etc etc?

( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Stuck in the griddle with poo?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:24, Reply)

I don't understand this reference as i'm not old enough

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:25, Reply)

old clever
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:25, Reply)

If I suddenly one £10m, I'd give monty £250k to give to his ex in order to swap around the living arrangements with his kid. She'd probably take that, but she can't know that I won the £10m.
BUT, but, there would be a price for monty to do, he would at some point in my life have to do one thing that I ask of him, with no question. They'd be rules, to make the game fair, like I can't involve him to do anything with his family. But this one thing, he can not refuse.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:14, Reply)

Well it's not very romantic, but a blowjob is a blowjob i guess

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:17, Reply)

Oh nooo, I wouldn't waste it on a blowjob, not a blowjob from _him_ anyway.
Sometime in the next 40 years (ok, 30 years, I'm not kidding anyone), at any point in time. He could be at his daughter's wedding, he could be at his mother's funerial... he could be just sitting there eating cornflakes for breakfast, minding his own buisness. Knowing that at any point in time, that phone can ring.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:26, Reply)

and you'd be calling and asking for a blowjob?

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:34, Reply)

dude
just ask him out!
( rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:17, Reply)

Do it, your daughter needs a father and you are, unfortunately, him

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:12, Reply)

Her not staying at his flat isn't going to stop him being her father.
Stop making this worse than it already is, you bent spastic.
(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:14, Reply)

As a childless Travelodge sex pest, I can understand how you wouldn't understand
But seperating parents an children, espeiclly at this age, is detrimental to the child and the parent. Also, she needs to score more than once a week man
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:16, Reply)

hahaha!

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:18, Reply)

Stability is as important as presence in child development
It's better to have Monty around for three hours a week than the trauma of a protracted court case.
(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:19, Reply)

for now, maybe...
What he should really do is dress as batman, climb onto the House of Parliment and drop bot dogs on all of the MPs until they dispense "justice"
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:21, Reply)

D'accord

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:27, Reply)

hey chompy here is a excel question to keep you happy
Can I fill in a cell with infomation and have that linked to a selection of other cells then fill with colour?
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:24, Reply)

Conditional formatting

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:25, Reply)

IF account = Naked Ape THEN delete + kill self

( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:26, Reply)

Something like this, yes

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:27, Reply)

Is it obvious that I know nothing of this sort of thing?

( tangledupinblue is your clam in a jam?, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:28, Reply)

yes, you forgot brackets, which is pretty basic

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

Yes
Yes it is
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

Yeah, this.
Although I'll need more details to give you the formula to put in the conditional formatting options.
(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:27, Reply)

Just thinking for now
basically I wnat to be able to list a series of activities, and when this list is populated have a "calendar view" autimatically filled in from the original list. not today though, can't be arsed
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:28, Reply)

Could you not just use, say, a calendar?

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

no

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:30, Reply)

Gaz me details

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:31, Reply)

Will do, another time maybe as I have other stuff to do today
but it's amazing how this place lights up with an excel question!
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:33, Reply)

It's perfectly doable, but calendar views are often a bit of a shit to do in Excel.
fine if it's a list of 1 day events, becomes a pain if the events are more or less than a whole day.
(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:31, Reply)

it would be an annual plan
showing activity over the year, so there would be 5 week blocks to be filleed from the original list. I do this by hand currently, but it can be painful
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:34, Reply)

Yeah, that'll be fairly easy to do.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:34, Reply)

excellent, you and sporters can fight it out to win the contract

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:36, Reply)

He can have it.

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:42, Reply)

i know I'm asking you to do this for free
but there will be LOADS of work for you if you do, honest
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:44, Reply)

Really??1?! I'll buy a new suit in preparation!

(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:45, Reply)

i hope you choke to death on your own severed penis in your sleep

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:25, Reply)

More likely would be death from blood loss
but never mind, have a bronze star...no don't eat it.

fucking retard
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:27, Reply)

not if i cauterize it, you fucking stupid prick

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

stupid missing
( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:30, Reply)

are good you've managed to string two thoughts together, soon it will be possible to describe you as sentient

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:30, Reply)

PLUS RIGHT
if i cut off your cock and stuffed it in your mouth real quick you'd asphyxiate faster than you'd bleed to death so i win again

YOU KNOW NOTHING ABUOT CHOKING TO DEATH ON YOUR OWN PENIS, YOU FOOL
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:00, Reply)

maybe we should check with badger he knows everything

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:07, Reply)

i'm the resident expert

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)

how many "cock kills" do you have under your belt?

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:09, Reply)

i can never reach to do it myself

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)

battered lolss

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)

Your best solution is to DYAAKY.

( Battered Would you really have a negro run our firm?, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:26, Reply)

Don't waste your money.
You need to get her on side and that is clearly going to take a while longer. Bad timing on asking her after last Thursday.

Don't forget, she's the nutter not you.
(Set your faces to Stunned. Bon viveur, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

You say potato..

( sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:31, Reply)

She says...
POTAAATOE!!!1!
(Set your faces to Stunned. Bon viveur, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:32, Reply)

lol
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/madeleinemccann/9252450/Madeleine-McCann-photo-used-in-holiday-advert.html
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:35, Reply)

I suspect someone has been fired.

(Set your faces to Stunned. Bon viveur, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:39, Reply)

It's Portugal
everyone has already been fired
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:40, Reply)

Hahahaha.
*sickmanofeuropelols*
(Set your faces to Stunned. Bon viveur, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:40, Reply)

I bet the website has had more hits today than ever before
and someone has got a promotion.
(PsychoChomp Nakkers, btw I'm probably calling you a cunt, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:40, Reply)

You IT bods are SICK!

(Set your faces to Stunned. Bon viveur, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:43, Reply)

A fiver says somebody did it for a laugh.
It's got internet humour all over it, this one.

A few miles away from the resort she disappeared at, an advert for a very similar property. I wouldn't be surprised if it were a b3tan what done it.
( Kroney Nyommy beaver anal glands nyomnyomnyom, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:49, Reply)

Yup, their website seems to be down at the moment. It's more likely due to high traffic than anything else.
They don't even have sitelinks, they're extremely low level.

www.google.co.uk/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=voucherdiggs
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

Very clever of the Telegraph, that.
A DDOS by proxy.
( Kroney Nyommy beaver anal glands nyomnyomnyom, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:52, Reply)

yes, very clever

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:55, Reply)

Well, BBC are on it too, I think all the major news source will have it by the end of the day.
I'll tell you one thing though, the guy who did it won't do it again. This is the sort of fuck-up you learn from.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:56, Reply)

Like that time I forgot to run a process
and nearly stopped the company from paying its staff. Only different.
( Kroney Nyommy beaver anal glands nyomnyomnyom, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:01, Reply)

You are Richard Prior AICM Superman 3

(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:04, Reply)

Haha, my worst one was a hard drive with 9 months worth of data collecting dying without backup.
I cried myself to sleep every night for a week, mostly because it was me who was collecting the data at 17 years old.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:40, Reply)

It's pretty common on low-level websites, especially in not-quite-so-western countries, to just google "Little girl in pool" and still any image from google.
It's probably a public domain picture too. I've done it myself with non-comercial ventures, it's how the internet works. Combine that with the fact that the source site probably was in english, and that the McCains are media whores, and you've got how it happened right there.
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 16:49, Reply)

I have butter balti chicken marinating in my fridge ready for cooking when i get home
can

not

wait
(Bill Paxton IT'S GAME OVER MAN!, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)

wait a sec, what grounds did the court have to say you could only see your kid for 3 hours a week supervised?
do you have a criminal record or history of violence? what is it?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:20, Reply)

courts don't just limit or take away access for no good reason
whatever the reason was you'd have to show that you'd overcome it if you did want to go to court, then you'd have to convince them,a nd not just your ex
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:28, Reply)

i don't know
evening all!
( Citizen Cavy is reporting your crimes to the great leader on, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:31, Reply)

Oh thanks. Hello there.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 17:35, Reply)

i just wanted to contribute

( Citizen Cavy is reporting your crimes to the great leader on, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:39, Reply)

Well it was invaluable and I shall be following your advice to the letter.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 17:47, Reply)

Thanks for all the advice folks.
I had a meeting to go to and am just back.

I know it's fucking dull so thank you for your time.
( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 17:36, Reply)

Hay man, speculating someone's personal life, on something they care deeply about, with lots of gesturing as to how much a twat someone envolved in the story is... is ALWAYS fun.

( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:41, Reply)

As ever, I am here to help.

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 17:47, Reply)

I think we're at that sort of stage in our relationship development where you should send me....
.... oh wait, I forgot, you didn't have a camera phone back then and my VHS machine is broken =(
( Ain't no 'igger like Gonz the J-'igger LETS GO GOBBO LETS GO !, Tue 8 May 2012, 17:51, Reply)

Hahahha

( Monty Boyce "Get the h*** out of my store", Tue 8 May 2012, 17:58, Reply)