Much missed mother
told me when I first started painting the town red,

'If you are not in bed by 3:00am, come home son'
(bluetuba has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:49, Reply)

The wise words of an old drunk passing by
"You've got great tits."
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:28, Reply)

Don't mention the war!
My uncle John was stationed in Singapore in 1941, just as it was overrun by the Imperial Japanese Army. He was captured and spent the next four years as a prisoner of war being treated as inhumanely as possible by the Japanese and stubbornly refusing to die like pretty much everyone else, despite being shipped off to Burma to assist (under considerable duress) with the construction of a railway line.

He was liberated in late 1945, scarcely able to walk because of severe malnourishment and neglect, before being shipped off home and spending several months recovering.

Now uncle John understandably harboured a certain resentment towards the far-eastern folk responsible for his incarceration. Forty years after his liberation I was given a very stern lecture by my father.

"PJM, when your uncle comes to visit us I want you to remember something. Do not, under any circumstances mention the war, or anything at all to do with Japan".

The morning of my uncle's arrival had both my parents making sure that not only was the house presentable, but every single Japanese manufactured item being carefully hidden from view. The video recorder was covered over (thank fuck our television was a 'Ferguson') and anything looking remotely like a ghetto blaster or walkman was hidden out of sight.

As I stood on the doorstep, waiting for my uncle to arrive, my dad jabbed me in the ribs and hissed in a somewhat threatening tone "now remember PJM, don't mention anything whatsoever to do with the Japanese".

Sure enough, uncle John arrives two minutes later waving at us out of his car window...

Which just happened to be a Mazda 323.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:21, Reply)

My grandmother
My grandmother has always been quite liberal with most things, involving how women can dress and all that.

My girlfriend had just bought a new top and was showing it to my mum and grandmother, she asked (being not only busty but brought up in a conservative household where cleavage is not allowed to be displayed) "It doesn't show too much cleavage, does it?". My Grandmother shrugged "If you've got it, flaunt it; as long as they don't touch - Unless if you want them to, then you've got no problems"

I was unfazed, I knew my Nan well enough but my girlfriend was a little bit surprised.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:20, Reply)

Aww, bless
Soon after Mrs. Lustfish and I started dating, it was time to meet the family. They're a Yorkshire matriarchy, and don't like outsiders too much. I am a South African and speak posh, like, having learned English in boarding schools.

The future Mrs. Lustfish started telling the family about me, for I was to be visiting that weekend. Her Grandma was the best. What's he like, where's he from, etc etc. Upon hearing that I was Sarf Effrican, she apparently uttered the immortal line:

"He's not a darkie, is he, dear?"

(I'm not.)

With that story to fortify me, I sallied North to meet them all for the first time. Their way is to assemble the entire family and then examine the new specimen, deciding whether to kill and eat him now, or later.

Now I should point out that the missus had also described me as chatty, witty and sociable. So expectations were high.

I sat in this room full of Doncaster folk and hardly said two words. The "looks" started to pass between the family, and eventually the missus hauled me (alone) into the kitchen - hissing "why aren't you saying anything?? You're making an idiot of me!!"

To which I could only reply "I can't understand a bloody word anyone's saying!". A bunch of Yorkshire folk, speaking Yorkshire to this posh lad, and speaking it very fast; I could only catch one word in five. The missus found this hilarious, and went back to the family to tell them.

So I come back into the room, and Grandma walks over to me, and says, very slowly, loudly and clearly, "would you like a cup of tea, dear?" - as if to a monger.

Mrs LF and I have been together for 11 years now, and Grandma still speaks to me as though I'm just a little slow (and excuses me to her friends upon introduction). I even understand Yorkshire now!
(lustfish, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:09, 4 replies)

Aye, true enough
Many years ago I was working on an old guy's yacht. He was a gruff old bastard, but obviously wealthy. He offered me some advice, which I gladly accepted.

"Son, if it flies, floats or fucks, rent it!"

I didn't dare ask him if the boat was his or not.
(lustfish, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 23:55, 2 replies)

my friend's dad
did not do emotion. he dropped her off at university with a gruff:

"keep yer hand on yer ha'penny".

wise words. shame she didn't listen to any of them!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 23:37, 1 reply)

Unto the third generation
My Dad gave me this advice, passed on from his Dad:

"Always shoot them shitting or eating, it's bad for morale".

Grandad Scars was a battalion sniper on the Western Front.

D'you know, I've never tested this bit of advice.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 23:28, Reply)

To quote an elderly relative of mine
"you know son, growing old is a right bastard.

but the only alternatives a fuck of a sight worse"
(ceebs, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 23:27, Reply)

old advice or advice from a old person(s)
an old man in the pub is used to drink in once told me "youre not drunk unless you cant stand without gripping the bar"

a not quite so old guy who was the grandad of a friend of mine once said"weed is good for you it helps to releve stress" however he was a mad old bastard and senile to boot
(imgunnabesick rawr ^ \_/ ^, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 23:19, Reply)

Fatherly Advice On My Wedding Day
"Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home 'early' she'll be delighted that you've cut short your night out to be with her"

And I tell you what, it works every fucking time.
(Pesky Young Scamp, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 23:17, 6 replies)

Way off topic, but...
Living in Texas is terribly exciting sometimes. A couple of tornados have been making their way down the length of my town, but just on the edge of town for the last 45 minutes. Another one started to form a couple of miles away from my house. There are downed power lines all over town.

And where am I? Sitting in my office waiting for the weather to pass. Safest place to be really, there is a tunnel between the Courthouses so I'm only a few feet away from that.

And now we are looking at flash floods starting in the next 20 minutes. Nice.

I just hope there isn't any hail....I lost every window in my house to the last big hail storm.

Edit: The best bit was that I got a great compliment. One of the meanest Judges in the county saw me in the hall while the tornado sirens were blaring. She said, "Oh! Come stand by me. You are so mean that you'll scare the tornados away." How sweet is that?
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 19 Jun 2008, 22:47, 6 replies)

An elderly tutor I once had at Uni
Always asked us our full names and then said that he didn't like calling ladies by their first names because 'A ladies first name should only be used when you have seen the whites of their thighs.'
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 22:41, 5 replies)

Something I will say to people when I am old.
*said in old ladies voice*


'I danced at the Hacienda you know'.
( girlinthehole, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 22:19, 8 replies)

I work with old people
I was on placement in a hospital as a student that for some reason got most of the old people in the country. I'd say about 1 in 3 did not have dimentia. I had this total twat of a supervisor who was always trying to be cool, flirting with the students and getting cranky when we didn't laugh and he had one of those tiny little beards on his lower lip, like a hitler tash but on the bottom lip and a ridiculously hairy chest. In short, a totally arrogant gobshite.

One day I was treating one of the particularly comical old women with him supervising when she sort of leaned forward and pointed vaguely at his chin and said
"What the hell's that? What are you growing that for?" to which he replies, trying to be cool, "Well, I have to, I'm losing it everywhere else. He he he."
Then the old lady pulls down his collar and says "You're not losing it there anyway!"
Even better, moments later, she points vaguely at his crotch and says "Well I hope you haven't lost it down there like I have or this young lady definitely won't have you!"

Needless to say I practically pissed myself.
(WhitieMcPaleface, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 22:13, 2 replies)

Oh old people...
My grandparents on my mother's side swear by the medicinal purposes of alcohol.
"A pint of Guiness a day..."

They live on the stuff, take heed of the present tense. It can't be that bad then...
(Oben, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 22:01, 1 reply)

Sort of on topic...
But since when has being on topic been necessary.

The sweetest thing I ever saw was at a very cold and windy train station platform. A very old man was sheltering his very old wife by throwing his arms around her and hugging her tightly whilst she leant back on the station wall.

Still brings a lump to my throat.
( girlinthehole, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 22:00, 7 replies)

crusts!
My granny didn't want me to leave my crusts from toast behind when I was little. She told me, "Eat your crusts, they'll give you curly hair," as back in the day curly hair had been the hip thing to have. Sadly infant me could think of nothing worse than having curly hair, so I was even more put off crusts than before!
(jade, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:59, 1 reply)

From one older person and one old person.
From one of my dad's pals just before I went to uni:

"Keep your eyes open, your chin up and your legs shut and you'll be fine."

Which amused me, since he's an absolute scoundrel.

And from my beloved granny who I miss greatly:

"You live the life you want. You have fun. Because when you get to my age (she was in her 70's at the time), all you've got are the memories. And you don't want to have to live through a boring life twice".
(The Oncoming Storm, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:53, 4 replies)

to carry on a thread with Tweedledumbs post below
My ex wife
is what his nan would call a coon, and my daughter is what his nan might call a half cast, i come from a english family and the amount of hassle my nan gave me was just as bad, luckily my ex was patient and slowly won my nan over.

Since i was a kid, i would always argue about my nans view on race, (died AT 103) she kept he marbles to the end. When i was a child she would thrill me of the stories of the war but never mentioned the suffering. The very last thing she said to me was "raff sometimes i am wrong. Damn it raff no-one is perfect, i dont hate anyone it's just so easy to pick a scapegoat, and thats why we fought the war to stop scapegoating, i hated moseley and yet im talking as he did. I love my Grandaughter and because of your union with ***** (ex's name) i am not going to use colour as an excuse"

Nan you rock.
( Trollman, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:24, 1 reply)

hello from London and the b3ta bash
right, not sure who's the oldest here, probably Davros' Granddad, but here's some advice- chocolate hobnobs taste like bananas if you dunk them in beer.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:18, 17 replies)

Was it Winston Churchill who said . . . .
"Up the bum, no babies"

Possibly not, but sound advice.
(garrison, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:15, Reply)

ny nans last words to me (and i shit you not)
were:

"bloody ragheads and coon's,
stealing all the jobs they should be on the next bannana boat to africa"

the advice?
(bear in mind she was almost 97 at the time)
"if one try's to steal your job T.D, shoot them"

she died three days later.
(tweedleDUMB Giving Up Smoking, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:05, 2 replies)

granddad:
'you can only piss with the cock you've got'
(big fat cocks, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:01, 2 replies)

'I only ever have two drinks...'
'...the first and the last.'

Or so my good old granda would have me believe.

I'd like to say he usually falls over at this point, but he doesn't. Ah well.
(JoeyJoeJoeSnrShabadoo - happy now?, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:00, Reply)

Does my Dad count?
When I was a very young lad, I'd get advice from my Dad after he had a few beers.Given that I've fucked my memory with drink & drunks in the 25 years since then I don't remember much about it apart from one night he sat me on the sofa, put his arm around me and told me to never ever sniff glue.
(garrison, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 20:47, Reply)

White bus drivers
My friend was once waiting at a bus stop. The bus was there, waiting to leave, but the driver wouldn't let anybody on. An old lady turned to her and sagely informed her, "He's not letting us on because he's white. The coloureds know how to look after their old."

Strangely enough, this has proved to be true. If a cuntish bus driver won't let people on, chances are he's white.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 20:44, 1 reply)