Mis-spent youth
I have several teenage party stories

One half term, my parents went away for a week, leaving me in the house alone with only three rules:- No Steve, no Kay and no parties.

Several weeks later i was left waiting for my lift home from school for several hours in the rain, until I realised that Mum wasn't coming and I would have to walk home.

The reason? I had forgotten to remove the cassete from the family camcorder we had been playing with, which quite clearly captured me with Steve under one arm and Kay under the other while shouting "We're having a paaarrtyyyy!".




Another time I was quite convinced that there was no trace of the weekend's illicit party, so played innocent when questioned by a thunder faced parent the next week. It appears however that somebody had stuck a microwave lasagne onto the kitchen ceiling. (At the same party, someone urinated in the fridge and I caught somebody else emptying the freezer into a bag, to which the reply when confronted was "It's ok, (my name) said I could." )
(last caress, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Such disturbing memories
A lad I knew in college called keiron decided at a friends party to inbibe enough alcohol so that the term "beer goggles" became an understatement.

The host of the party had an apparently attractive alsatian who he decided to french kiss after the aforementioned mutt had been licking its testicular regions.

We all thought "ok, thats a bit much" and put the dog outside.

Cue keiron chasing the poor animal around the garden for a good twenty minutes before falling over his own flailing feet.

However, even with his obviously incredibly low standards, he managed to pull another "stunner" that evening. Facially she was ok(ish) but her physique was rather nasty.

Somehow she hadn't seen all of the "dogging" incidents, and proceeded to get off with him.

The most disturbing thing we heard coming from the spare room later on was "faster, faster, oooh oooh!!"

We were trying to work out if the alsatian had got back in for a good 30 seconds before he reached the vinegar strokes and paraded himself downstairs with a rapidly wilting turgid dick proclaiming "I just got wanked off"

The dog by this point was at the window. We all reckon he looked cheated.
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Party
This is a weblog of a recent party held chez Bunny. I was 23. *shame*

'It’s taken me over a week to gather up the pieces of my birthday weekend and I’ve had suprisingly few flashbacks. I know I must’ve had a good time by fact that my mouth was like the devil’s armpit and the house was a bit worse for wear but I’ve had to rely on eyewitness statements filling in many of the blanks.

The night started fairly slowly with respectable guests and the house looking like a fairy grotto thanks to the wife and her sister. We provided a buffet of Haribo and a tasty Shrek cocktail (which usually involves WKD Blue and an orangey vodka drink which turns the colour of Shrek) but I think I must’ve partaken in too much sugar cos before I knew it I was quite wobbly.

I place some of the blame for the downturn in events firmly in D’s hands, as he came armed with enough drink to kill a cow and an intention to provide me with tequila all night. From then on things get a little blurry…

Some of the highlights include…

*15 people spilling into my room in the hope of catching me boffing. They were all disappointed and I was greatly bemused.

*Duck Milk’s and Mr D’s late arrivals were greeted with much leaping and ‘F**kin’ hell she’s mullered!’ as I decorated them with my birthday balloons.

*Feeding the local youths pizza and crisps in the vain hope they’d bugger off for a few hours. Instead they decided to throw their drunken 13 year old selves down the front steps and demand vodka from us. A gatecrashing ensued (they did actually break the gate. The irony was not lost on me). The police turned up a good hour after D had picked up the youths by the scruff and hurled them out. However I got my council tax’s worth as I had a birthday kiss and they offered to strip.

*A passing out in the garden and D coming in with him slung over one shoulder, with a ‘where do you want him?’

*P grabbing his Jack Daniels off me for attempting to give him 'Bunnygirl measures'.

*Bundling A into a taxi with only one shoe (which wasn’t on his foot). The shoe has not yet resurfaced.

Thanks to Mrs M was made aware that for some of the night I was dressed as a Jedi whose weapon of choice was pickled onions rather than the Force. I am also grateful to her for rescuing me from offers of a threesome and for the moonlit dance we had around the garden.

I have learnt a few things though.
1) Jif lemon shouldn’t be drunk as a lemon wedge replacement when shooting tequila.
2) D is the handiest party guest ever
3) It was the best birthday I’ve had! Thanks everyone!'
(Bunnygirl, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Pirates!
Parents away, we decided to have a pirate themed party. Much pillaging, rum drinking and yo ho ho-ing ensued. Everyone got really into their costumes, there were Blackbeards, Captain Hooks and Jake The Pegs everywhere. And wenches. We played shanties and all sorts. Tremendous fun. Cleared away all piratical evidence the following morning- there was narry a gold earring, piece of eight or parrot feather to be seen.

Four whole months later I came down to breakfast to be asked "WHY IS OUR HOUSE FULL OF PIRATES?" by an irate mother clutching a lovely set of home delivered Truprint snaps. Apparently she couldn't remember using up an entire roll of film on her camera but had sent it off anyway to see what was on it. There was one particularly good shot of two pirates (actually trying to use her exercise bike at the same time) apparently bumming each other.

(Oh, and Long John Silver never apologizes- the clue's in the name.)
(oranguturn, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:22, Reply)

another story of vomit
during school term, a party was held at a popular lads house whilst his parents had gone out for the night. i proceeded to raid the exotic liquers cabinet and ended up with a pint of blue liquid with bite size sausages and peanuts in it. without much encouragement i necked it in one. tasted quite nice actually. spent the whole night spewing my guts up. parents came home early and gave us all a right old bollocking for being so young and pissed. i remember a lad barfing in the corner behind the sofa whilst the parents were screaming!
unfortunately, the father of the house died the next week. i hope it wasn't the shock of seeing completely out of control schoolkids in his house!
(Jimmy Splash, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:19, Reply)

Jason Sankey....(for t'was his name...)
....would have been 19, so it bloody counts. Just.

University, 1st year Psychology at UEL, 1990. I was resident of the chaotic maelstrom that was 45 Gwendoline Avenue, Plaistow. Or was it Upton Park? Fuck it, E13.

We had a great house party, and Jason got hugely pissed early on, and went to bed - his bed was just the mattress on the floor, so low level is the order of the day. It's up against the wall, the right hand side and top edges as you look down on it. Jason has bowked onto the floor, to the left, as I discover when I wander in to see where the bloody hell my housemate is.

I too am quite hideously pissed but of considerate enough mind that I should leave him a bowl to be sick in should a repeat performance occur, so I find the washing up bowl (miraculously free of dirty mugs, I once washed 32 of the bastards in one hit) and put it down next to him, in the pile of spew.

Jason wasn't sick again, but woke up next morning wondering how he managed to vom everywhere including under but not actually in the bowl, which was spotless.

Puzzly puzz as Lenin once said. Lennon? Oh.

Insert joke penis here.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:13, Reply)

Older Than Jesus!
Threw a party a few years ago for my 34th birthday (it was my Older Than Jesus birthday), it was fancy dress: school days, and we served cocktails which was asking for trouble. Apart from the obligatory drunkeness, vomiting etc., I experienced something very odd.

One particular lightweight passed out after a few hours, so we put him in the front room to sleep it off. Unbeknown to us, he decided to stagger upstairs for a pee and fell down the stairs, top to bottom and hit his head on the tile floor in the hall. Then the strange thing occurred, the whole party seemed to sober up instantly. Perhaps it was the vision of an A&E visit with everyone dressed up as school children, but it was very weird. Fortunately he got to his feet and managed to convince everyone he was okay, and the party restarted.

Oh, and the marks on the wall from his shoes are still there as a reminder!
(Julian Coped, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:13, Reply)

I learned my lesson... eventually.
Because of some serious errors in judgement committed at teenage parties, I can no longer drink:

- Extra-strength lager of any kind
- Cider of any kind (though I never sunk to the level of that white shite I see the tots drinking on street corners now)
- Babycham (pretty much the same as cider, I know)
- Champagne/Cava/Whatever other names they have for that evil sparkly piss. I've sipped at fairly expensive varieties of that since, and it's still piss.
- Newcastle Brown (see below)
- Southern Comfort (especialy not after being imbibed along with copious amounts of Nukey Brown - what the fuck was I thinking?)
- Peach Schnapps (but that always sucked anyway - there was nothing else left at the time)
- Cointreau (fucking French - I'd swear they unleashed that on the world just to make it puke).
- Castaway (The granddaddy of all alcopops - why I hate them all with impunity now).
- Oh, and Thunderbird. Jesus h christ, Thunderbird :/

So then, a fair few parties lol. Not surprisingly my drinking choices are a little limited now, but I look at it as an incentive to Drink Responsibly^(TM) for fear of being forced into teetotality without ever being officially classed as an alcoholic. I attribute this not actually happening long ago to my discovery of the wonders of recreational drugs in my later teenage years. Woo yay for variety.

And as for some of things I saw/participated in back then... proof beyond any doubt whatsoever that intelligent design theory is nonsense - we're animals, oh yes.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:12, Reply)

Blood Hound Gang.
Went to a party years ago at a girls house we knew. The house got fucking trashed, and I mean trashed, structural damage, the lot.

However I ended up fucking shagging the living daylights out of a bird called Tammy. Ironically the selfish slag decided to come on her period half way through.

Didnt stop me firing my yoghurt all over her though.

Happy Days.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:07, Reply)

The man who wouldn't leave
He'd followed some friends in. He went round the whole place asking people's name's and refusing to give his apart from his first name, Kevin, as his surname was "dreadful". He'd then attempt to snog them.

I remember having to literally sweep him out of the house with a broom along with all the other party detritus. "Kevin Dreadful" sank into legend amongst my friends.

Two years later and I met him again. He didn't recognise me, but I did get properly introduced to him. His name was Kevin Blight.
( chthonic, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:06, Reply)

That's not catfood...
My 16th birthday, parents allow me to have a bash at our house. They say - 'We'll go out for dinner, and get back around 12.30/1ish. As long as everyone's outside (tents in the garden) by the time we come back, that's all fine'. No probs, thinks I, we're on for a winner here. Switch to 11 o clock, and I'm having a sweet old time. Although I'm trying to keep an eye on the manor, I've made the crucial mistake of getting turbo-pissed, so destruction reigns left right and centre. At one point, I wobble through to the kitchen to find my mate James, standing like a lone gunman after his first kill, a bright-lipped, watery smile pasted across his pale face. He's windmilled red, angry sick around the entire kitchen. Floors, walls, sink half filled, up doors, over the microwave and over the cat's bowl. 'Err..I'm sorry mate, I've just kicked over the cat food. Sorry, I was just about to clean it up'. Bless him. He did as well. Fast forward to later on in the night, it's been a classic party, this night will turn out to be probably one of my happiest teenage memories. All survivors are now perched half in/half out of tents, all pitched in a tiny circle. Everyone's got perfectly drunk and now stoned and bantering away. My mate Spud (was and is a top chap, slightly the proud side of portly) lets rip with an almighty fart, the volume and length of which sets everyone into hysterical laughter for perhaps 20, 30 seconds. The laughs die down, only to begin again when we all realise that he's still going. He starts laughing as well, which is where the real genius sets in. His farts sync-in with his laughter, and he's suddenly chugging away like the rear gunner of a lancaster bomber for over a minute. Superb.
( Coy Rastle, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:05, Reply)

Auto-fellatio party
This wasn't strictly a teenage party, as there were people old enough to buy alcohol. I was one of the older ones, having just finished university and ended up in the lucrative field of security guarding. Coming home late one Saturday night, I remembered my friends were having a party. Still in my uniform, I decided to stop by.

By the time I got there, the place had been drunk dry, and it was too late to buy more. Nobody really paid attention to my uniform, luckily. I could've had a lot more fun with it in retrospect.

I ended up in a room downstairs where I witnessed a few of my friends snorting coke. One of my friends told us he could auto-fellate himself, and we egged him to prove it. He made us agree to some terms: it would be in another room, and only a limited number of spectators could witness it. Oddly he didn't have any problem allowing the guy with the video camera. Also, I came along, being the only sober guy there, I guess as a chaperone.

He was high on coke and couldn't get an erection, so he had to stretch it up to his mouth. The true secret to auto-fellatio is in the upper back, I learnt. He was hunched over pretty far.

When I saw, I was so repulsed I slammed my head into the drywall, putting a good sized dent into it. The guy videotaping it managed to capture this.

For months after, people would come up to me and say "Man, I saw the video. That was insane! You nearly put your head through the wall." Somehow the fact that a guy was putting his limp penis in his mouth didn't leave a lasting impression.

People would say "Yeah, but that's just him. We expect that sort of thing from him. But YOu, though..."
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:04, Reply)

Hmmm
Some girls 18th (who i liked but was shy around) and so thought a bit of dutch courage was in order.
Necked 2 pints of vodka with a "dash*" of pepsi in each. Then proceded to vomit in next doors garden, eat half a pastie and put the other half on some poor buggers car aerial, dance and sing "i am the pastie king" on someones wall. Then i wander back into said party, do the backstroke down the house (4 laps) do a merry jig then send myself to bed in the spare room. Woke up at 6am with a crackingly sore jaw (thinking i'd letched over some girls boobies and been hit for it) thought it a good idea to visit 24 hours asda for breakfast materials and wander home.
Best 2 hours of me life but i dont remember any of it :(
Length was only used once, but could have been worth it!

* for dash really read "just about enough to change the liquid from clear to ever so slightly murky....."
(JayB is Singing his love down the well...., Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:59, Reply)

I'm still a teenager.
Due to excessive Alcohol and Cannabis consumption, most of my past nights out meld into one. HOWEVER, a memorable one would be Charlie Warrell (Cheesey Wotsit!)'s second party. I got there at 7 o' clock, and my good mate Swanny had already vom'd all over the patio. Later, when drunk, I went skinny dipping un the paddling pool despite it being about 3 degrees outside. Ooof. My other memory from that night was snogging Lauren someone. I remember being overwhelmed by the foul stench of fags and cheap perfume as she edged closer. Eww. Finally, I remember going into Charlie's Mum's room (Yes, she was home at the time. Yes, she was completely against the party. No, there wasn't much she could do about it!) with a load of other people, and plonking ourselves down on the bed only to realise that she was indeed in it. Innit.
Well that was probably one big "had to be there" moment, but shit happens.
(Dooley, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:57, Reply)

A girl I know...
had a party over her house when her parents went away, must have been 17. Her elder brother left her in charge of the house, and she invited pretty much the entire school over! I can't remember how we managed it but we al had at least 12 cans each to take to the party. And once they were gone, we raided the drinks cabinate. Anyway, early hours of the morning, and me and a mate went into the kitchen to see what hell we could cook up. It came in the form of microwaving everything that we found in the fridge to see what it would look like; butter, philidelphia, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese. all ended it up in a puddle at the bottom of the microwave. Then the finale, we removed all of the labels from all of the tins in the cupboard, and then replaced them randomly, swapping baked beans for dog food etc..
(rhyddman, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:52, Reply)

is it just me,
or is disasterprone not living up to his self billing?

At one of my mate's 21st bday party (most folks there were 18/19), gave my mate Graham some* whisky (laphroaig if any of you are familiar with it)

*some=pint glass full

after much persuasion he downs it-right on top of the 2 bottles of beer and GLASS of MILK he'd had previously...obv this is not condusive to goodly health in the belly department.

A chunderfest ensued, involving him calling to ralph out my mates bathroom window-directly onto the pot smoking younger sister of said mate.

suffice to say, several jokes about "what conditioner do you use lindsay" ensued.

Whilst said mate was barfing-me and thomas were standing in the same room-drinking pints of self same boozery. Much to our amusement, the smell just kept setting him off-til such times as bile was observed.

ahh the joys!

girth?too big to comprehend
length?cant see the end to measure

cherry poppeed off of cake now
(JohnnyCash, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:47, Reply)

Fresher's Week
As an 18-year-old (and so still technically a teenager), we had a small gathering of people one night during Fresher's Week when not much else seemed to be happening. To show off my mad drinking skillz I mixed vodka with Ribena concentrate as if the vodka was water.

Two hours later my roommate arrived back to the shared room to find that I had projectile-vomited on top of his wardrobe. And in the sink. And out of the window.

(I may also have snogged a complete dog of a Finnish girl)
(bedsitmartyr : Doctor of Bottles, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:46, Reply)

not too exciting
had a party, people found the dress up box (you heard), it was awesome.
on the downside, friends drunk my dads beer and opened £20 bottle of wine.
worth it.
(woo who?, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:46, Reply)

pint-o-vom
big que for the toilet. in desperation my mate kneels down at the top of the stairs and spews a perfect pint of vomit into a pint glass. nice little head on it and everything. i smile up at him from the bottom of the stairs - disaster avoided. mate raises his arms in triumph and knocks the pint-o-vom over, spilling and splattering down the length of the stairs, finally coming to rest at the front door and leaving a stain that's still there today...
(e p f, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:43, Reply)

Sarah's Party at University
So, some of the girls in the year below wanted to throw a party (Althlestan Road, off Romford Road, Stratford E15, 1991 ish....) and roped me in to DJ. Fair enough.

And they thought, 'we need a password to get in', and decided on the phrase 'fuck off'. Word gets round the SU bar and the local pubs, and soon all sorts are on the step....

"What's the password?"
"Password?! Fuck off!!"
"That'll do you're in...."

Smack shooting in the bathroom, minor pilfering, and the police called at about 2am. Splendid. I did however play Nirvana's Negative Creep at full throttle, so that was nice.

NB I wasn't teenage. They were 18. It counts!!
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:36, Reply)

Sean's House, aged 14
Take two two litre bottles of cola, drink one litre. Add one bottle vodka as purloined from a stash a mate's dad was looking after for one of his mates while the divorce went through.

Apply to a 14 year old - me - and watch me vomit heartily on the back porch (although I did aim for the drain, yay me) into the early hours. Was OK next day - couldn't manage that feat these days....
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:32, Reply)

Their parents where very religious..
.. cue a matchstick being left in a very rude position on JC on his cross..

We also hid porn videos all around the house
( Signify, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:31, Reply)

On leaving year 11
When we left year 11 for study leave it was throwing down the rain torrentially so we all went off to the local off-license where someone thought we would get served and sat around on a bench in the town square drinking cheap booze and eating cheese cobs. Bad drink does bad things as i then decided to walk the 2 or 3 miles home in a downpour - and i went the long way!
(The lord Boo., Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:30, Reply)

Yay, First One
And that was just the time we had a party at best mates place, things all going well. Everyone had been kicked out in time, furniture put back and cat stroked till it was no longer traumatised by teenagers throwing beer cans at it. Thought we'd got away with it when his folks came home when Greg ( For that was his name ) suddenly went green and upchucked in the lounge. The delicate smell of cidery vomit drifted into my nostrils and that was that. Vomfest while his parents looked on in growing horror as their lounge was desecrated by puke. Bastards phoned my mum to tell her what happened and I got grounded for weeks for that one. Bugger!

Edit : That'll teach me to write long rambling posts
(stuwads, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:29, Reply)

I never got invited to any
parties as a teenager because I was a little shit.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:29, Reply)

Second ?
My mate said he'd do the food, sausage rolls with cheese slices on.

His girlfriend forgot to take the plastic off. Stunk the whole house out and parents found out we'd all been there having a party.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:29, Reply)

woo
yay! 1st post 1st time!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:25, Reply)