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Those of us with offspring have all had days like this:

(Ruffgeezer back again like a bad smell., Sat 10 Nov 2012, 11:59, archived)

Clicked for truthfulness.

I don't have kids, but I have worked as a cashier. For those who still think sugar causes hyperactivity, let me tell you: the kids get hyper when they see the gumball machine, not when they get the candy.
In fact, if you have a kid "[whose] hyperactivity is caused by sugar and artificial colours", try this experiment.
1. Stand next to the kid in a calm environment.
2. Whisper in its ear, "Candy candy candy candy candy".
3. Record your observations.

(MrCanoehead Marzipaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 12:06, archived)

Very definitely the colours for our oldest.

There's a certain batch of E-number colours that set her off and it's exactly the same progression each time: strange look, odd noises, increasingly impulsive behaviour followed by depression and a patch of exhaustion, roughly fifteen-twenty minutes after eating them.
The ones in particular are those highlighted in the Uni. Southampton study that ministers are working on asking companies to limit the use of.
It's bloody hard work in Australia as they still use colours banned in Europe plus the others and nearly everything has at least one yellow colour in it.
Sugar doesn't seem to do much to her.
Nya-nya.

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Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 10 Nov 2012, 13:53, archived)

E-111?

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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:09, archived)

'snorts tartrazine'

(Seriously, given the sensitivity of children, only food-based colours should be used)

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FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Sat 10 Nov 2012, 17:26, archived)

^this

with added oozing and unexpected stickiness

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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 12:26, archived)

That is giving me Teh Fear

*click*y-woo.

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Skotzmun Blah blah secret passage blah blah diamonds., Sat 10 Nov 2012, 12:27, archived)

Hold it upside down by the ankles and spin it round until it's sick

It'll lose interest after that

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emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 12:59, archived)

I'm going to start a ska band

Just so I can name it "Shakeababy".

(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 13:45, archived)

My little brothers were a right pain in the arse when they were younger.

My dad always reassures me that I was worse.

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Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 13:48, archived)

Flan Science!

(Fly Projector, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:10, archived)

where does flan lie on the periodic table?

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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:13, archived)

well, science knows that it is a base and not an acid, if that helps

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PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:15, archived)

alkalicious

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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:21, archived)

Somewhere between Petranekium and Fuckon.

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Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:20, archived)

i was always a fan of argon

but their catalogue is shit

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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:22, archived)

I always thought it was quite boron.

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Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 14:43, archived)

This is one reason why I refuse to have kids

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FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Sat 10 Nov 2012, 17:28, archived)

In America, if you're as poor as me

You can get a subsidized vasectomy.

I did that, and damn was it a good decision.

(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Sun 11 Nov 2012, 2:19, archived)