I'm still hoping that film 3 is almost entirely material culled from the appendix of Lord of the Rings and from the snippet in Unfinished Tales which retconned in Gandalf's machinations about Sauron into the lead up of the Hobbit.
What we'll *actually* see is something like this:
Film 1: Old Bilbo, in Rivendell and surrounded by 'happy' elves, tells Frodo about his trip when he was young. After half an hour, we finally get to Gandalf meeting Young Bilbo outside Bag End. At the end of three hours, Frodo has the ring and the sword and has escaped from Gollum.
Film 2: Meander on through eagles and Beorn and dragging an irritating fat shit through a forest for two unbearable hours, broken at the end by Orlando Bloom pretending he's still 20 and a nice person, even though the Elves in the Hobbit were total titwanks, and not good titwanks, either, kind of rubbery veiny titwanks. End after three and a quarter hours, most likely with the escape from the Elves and whatever the fuck it's called Lake Town (Esgaroth; yes, indeed, I am a total nerd).
Film 3: After an interminable 40 minutes with the likes of Stephen Fry in Esgaroth, move upriver and see a dragon. After another hour the dragon is finally killed. [It's possible they'll compress Film 2 down and end it with Smaug attacking Lake Town.] An hour later and the Battle of Five Armies begins, and another half hour later it finally ends. Thirty minutes to wrap it up, and then a twenty minute coda, and you've got a film pushing four hours.
(What we'll *actually* see is something like this:
Film 1: Old Bilbo, in Rivendell and surrounded by 'happy' elves, tells Frodo about his trip when he was young. After half an hour, we finally get to Gandalf meeting Young Bilbo outside Bag End. At the end of three hours, Frodo has the ring and the sword and has escaped from Gollum.
Film 2: Meander on through eagles and Beorn and dragging an irritating fat shit through a forest for two unbearable hours, broken at the end by Orlando Bloom pretending he's still 20 and a nice person, even though the Elves in the Hobbit were total titwanks, and not good titwanks, either, kind of rubbery veiny titwanks. End after three and a quarter hours, most likely with the escape from the Elves and whatever the fuck it's called Lake Town (Esgaroth; yes, indeed, I am a total nerd).
Film 3: After an interminable 40 minutes with the likes of Stephen Fry in Esgaroth, move upriver and see a dragon. After another hour the dragon is finally killed. [It's possible they'll compress Film 2 down and end it with Smaug attacking Lake Town.] An hour later and the Battle of Five Armies begins, and another half hour later it finally ends. Thirty minutes to wrap it up, and then a twenty minute coda, and you've got a film pushing four hours.
boris the spider,
Mon 3 Dec 2012, 21:15,
archived)
14 films as directorand only 2 good ones,
Peter Jackson is shit at making films
edit: 6 were either shorts or tv movies, which we all know don't count
(Peter Jackson is shit at making films
edit: 6 were either shorts or tv movies, which we all know don't count
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since,
Mon 3 Dec 2012, 21:22,
archived)
Bad Taste and Braindead?Also Meet the Feebles had its moments.
(
Shlvng,
Mon 3 Dec 2012, 22:25,
archived)
the frighteners and beautiful creatures
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since,
Mon 3 Dec 2012, 22:27,
archived)
Your future reviews are probably cynically accurate.
"The Hobbit" has just opened here in NZ and the Tolkien Estate get-rich-quick lawsuits and PETA attention whores are already coming out of the woodwork. WETA Workshop's newly unveiled "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Lawsuit" sculpture outside the Embassy Theatre for the Wellington premiere seems to reflect this cynicism.
AhahaI like this.
Cataclysmic computer failure last night prevented me from taking any further part in this conversation :( Tip to the wise: when people say "Linux supports HFS+ drives" don't actually do anything stupid like believe them and mount in HFS+ r/w for any user. The kernel doesn't like it, and when it storms off it takes your boot sector with it.
(Cataclysmic computer failure last night prevented me from taking any further part in this conversation :( Tip to the wise: when people say "Linux supports HFS+ drives" don't actually do anything stupid like believe them and mount in HFS+ r/w for any user. The kernel doesn't like it, and when it storms off it takes your boot sector with it.
boris the spider,
Tue 4 Dec 2012, 9:51,
archived)