How would I like to pay, you ask?I used to work for a large credit card company in credit control. A big part of the collections technique favoured by this company was one called 'Lidbury', which basically boiled down to forcing the customer to specify everything and note it on their account so that when they failed to fufil their promises you could quote back exactly what they had promised the week before (i.e. 'So you going to pay the outstanding amount, Mr Jones... and how are you going to pay that?', etc. Yep, THERE'S the link!). Nasty.
This, of course, has left me with a great understanding of the credit industry and a perfect knowledge of how to deliberately irritate any other company in the UK that uses Lidbury (and believe me, there are dozens...).
Apropos of this, let me detail a recent call I had from Vodaphone:
VODAPHONE: 'Hello Mr. Orin. We're calling up today to find out why your direct debit was returned this month.'
ME: 'Due to lack of funds, I would imagine. That is generally the reason that direct debits bounce, isn't it?'
VP: 'Why did you not make the funds available?'
ME: 'When did you attempt to take the direct debit?'
VP (flustered): 'Uh... on the 6th of January, Mr. Orin.'
ME: 'Interesting. You ask me why funds were not available for a direct debit that was supposed to be taken a fortnight prior to that, according to your recent bill.'
VP: 'Well, uh, due to Christmas...'
ME: 'Irrelevant. You asked why the direct debit bounced, and I have told you.'
VP (Changing tack): Right, uh, when will you be paying the outstanding amount...?'
ME: 'At some point within the next 30 days.'
VP: 'Can you specify a date for me, Mr. Orin?'
ME: 'Yes I can. But I won't.'
VP: 'Why is that?'
ME: 'Because it clearly irritates you.'
VP: 'How will you be paying for that, Mr. Orin?'
ME: 'With money. Pounds Sterling, I expect.'
VP (clearly reading through a script): 'Uh... which payment method will you be using to make that payment?'
ME: 'Ah! Well, it will definately be using one of the payment methods you accept, ok?'
VP (now irritated): 'Mr. Orin, do you realise that failure to pay the outsanding amount can result in the disconnection of your service?'
ME: 'Yes. Do YOU realise that disconnecting my service when A) I have agreed to pay in full and B) the payment error that you are using as justification for this action is your fault can result in sucessful litigation in British courts?'
VP: 'Ah... uh... thank you for your time, Mr. Orin.'
ME: 'No no, thank you.'
If this sort of approach doesn't work, feel free just to ask them if they are using the Lidbury technique on you. If this doesn't fluster them, showing great interest in whatever collections technique they ARE using generally will. Heh heh heh...
(,
Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:27,
archived)
This, of course, has left me with a great understanding of the credit industry and a perfect knowledge of how to deliberately irritate any other company in the UK that uses Lidbury (and believe me, there are dozens...).
Apropos of this, let me detail a recent call I had from Vodaphone:
VODAPHONE: 'Hello Mr. Orin. We're calling up today to find out why your direct debit was returned this month.'
ME: 'Due to lack of funds, I would imagine. That is generally the reason that direct debits bounce, isn't it?'
VP: 'Why did you not make the funds available?'
ME: 'When did you attempt to take the direct debit?'
VP (flustered): 'Uh... on the 6th of January, Mr. Orin.'
ME: 'Interesting. You ask me why funds were not available for a direct debit that was supposed to be taken a fortnight prior to that, according to your recent bill.'
VP: 'Well, uh, due to Christmas...'
ME: 'Irrelevant. You asked why the direct debit bounced, and I have told you.'
VP (Changing tack): Right, uh, when will you be paying the outstanding amount...?'
ME: 'At some point within the next 30 days.'
VP: 'Can you specify a date for me, Mr. Orin?'
ME: 'Yes I can. But I won't.'
VP: 'Why is that?'
ME: 'Because it clearly irritates you.'
VP: 'How will you be paying for that, Mr. Orin?'
ME: 'With money. Pounds Sterling, I expect.'
VP (clearly reading through a script): 'Uh... which payment method will you be using to make that payment?'
ME: 'Ah! Well, it will definately be using one of the payment methods you accept, ok?'
VP (now irritated): 'Mr. Orin, do you realise that failure to pay the outsanding amount can result in the disconnection of your service?'
ME: 'Yes. Do YOU realise that disconnecting my service when A) I have agreed to pay in full and B) the payment error that you are using as justification for this action is your fault can result in sucessful litigation in British courts?'
VP: 'Ah... uh... thank you for your time, Mr. Orin.'
ME: 'No no, thank you.'
If this sort of approach doesn't work, feel free just to ask them if they are using the Lidbury technique on you. If this doesn't fluster them, showing great interest in whatever collections technique they ARE using generally will. Heh heh heh...
hehehave you seen that anti-customer-care or telesales counter-script thing that went around a couple of years ago? sounds like your sort of thing...
(
wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago,
Wed 26 Nov 2003, 20:32,
archived)
I like, I likeFunny. I nearly snorted milk and Jordan's country crisp through my nose. Amazing how the bastards will use any sort of innocuous comment to condem you.
Next time I see a vodaphone shop I'm going to brick it. Thank you for giving me a purpose for today.
(,
Thu 27 Nov 2003, 8:46,
archived)
Next time I see a vodaphone shop I'm going to brick it. Thank you for giving me a purpose for today.