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'The Biggest Lie I Ever Told'

A flatmate of mine at university, who shall remain nameless, spent a couple of terms getting pissed and taking drugs.

It got to the point where he was about to be kicked off because he hadn't done any work at all.

But he completely got away with it. How? By telling his tutor he had AIDS. Yes, AIDS.

The only comeback on it was his tutor kept coming up to him, touching him on the elbow and softly asking, 'How is your health?'

Can you beat that? We'll use the best stories on b3ta radio this Friday.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:43, archived)

Not as bad as that but I schived off

university to go to Edinburgh and told my tutor my Gran had died - all my grandparents were dead already, so it wasn't too bad. I didn't have to do any more essays that year.

(

butchbint, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:45, archived)

Dead grandparents

While a student I got an overdraft extension by telling the bank I needed the money to go to New York to attend my grandfather's funeral. The New York bit was true. My grandad was alive and well in Southampton though

(

Squid Ink should be stored upright in a cool, dark place, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:55, archived)

I live in Southampton,

its a complete hole!

(

busy phil is still bloody busy, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 23:18, archived)

I lived in Southampton

for five years, up until last year.
It's a fucking SHITHOLE.
I hope you're not at the institute.

(

Zuowan, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 18:50, archived)

It is indeed

tho i'm still Ucas-ed to go there :/, even tho I come from the land of Portsmouth (guessing u heard of the rivalry)

(

demondethe, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 21:22, archived)

Boooooooo

I'm guessing your a freakin V-neck then!

Institute, la la la

etc etc til the cows come home

(yacob, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 19:53, archived)

straight to hell!

To get an extension on an essay at college i said a 98-year-old friend of the family had died. Two days later, said friend fell over and had a heart attack. I couldn't make the funeral, but still used the exuse to get a day off college and another extension.

/guilt

(enig-mat-ic!, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:48, archived)

murderer

(

isthisyou?, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:16, archived)

In my first job after graduation....

I took a day off because my gran died. One week later I did it again. Funny thing was it was absolutely true, both of them really did die within a week of each other. My boss never called me liar and but I'm sure he privately thought that I was.

(trollbite, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:47, archived)

Bastards!

When my Gran genuinely died last year, I got one extension for a piece of coursework I was so far behind that the extra few weeks were useless.

(jonnies, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:47, archived)

i regularly blag my way into nightclubs with a "no trainers" policy, while wearing trainers

by telling them i have a foot defect, and that by refusing to let me in, they are discriminating against my "disability".

they alwasy look SO guilty afterwards

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:45, archived)

i'll try that

(rigby happened on (and with added toothache), Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

it helps if you have a pained look on you face

and walk with a slight (but not overly-zealous) limp

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:51, archived)

i already ave

the advantage of a silly walk

(rigby happened on (and with added toothache), Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

did you get government funding for it?

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:53, archived)

its not really that silly

is it?

(KurutteiruRisu, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 3:08, archived)

Nice

Nick

(Rev. Otana, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 8:29, archived)

Thanks

Rev

(

Oscar Wildebeest, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:56, archived)

Most bouncers

couldn't even spell disability, let alone understand what it means!

(wot no booze!, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:36, archived)

Erm...

how sexy are u for a 19yr old??? phwoarr

(maximumblonde1, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 17:34, archived)

Once

went around to my friends house for dinner and they had made home-made pizzas, I hate mushrooms and all the pizzas had mushrooms on, they said just pick them off, I lied and said if I eat even the smallest piece of mushroom I would go into systemic anaphylactic shock and die unless I got a shot of adrenaline straight into the heart.

They made me a fresh pizza with no shrooms, my sister told them a while later that i simply dont like shrooms, they were annoyed at me

(lord Roystarn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:48, archived)

good one

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:49, archived)

Me too...

I did the exact same thing last week with anchovies.

Thing is, I've not eaten them in about 21 years so I reckon they would probably make me violently ill.

I managed to convince him that airborne spores of fish smell could at any moment kill me...

Marv, if you're reading this, I am sorry mate.

(

mattl has moved to boston, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:04, archived)

Peanuts

I have pulled the allergic peanut trick at restuarants as I hate nuts and every bloody pudding on a menu has nuts on. So I make a fuss and get a pure choccie option. Yaay

(minikins, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:31, archived)

i do that too

if you tell people you just "don't like" nuts, they always say "how about..." and then proceed to name a load of nuts which obviously I DON'T FUCKING LIKE BECAUSE THEY'RE NUTS. Pine nuts are a bit of a grey area, however.

(

shavedchimp something something oranges something, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:42, archived)

Criminal!

A pizza is not a pizza without anchovies

(Pandaemonium, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 9:42, archived)

I bet

you like pineapple on pizza as well, don't you?

(mentalageofseven, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 18:39, archived)

I hate mushrooms

Why not go to a chinese medical/herb centre and have an allergy test done. Tones of stuff I hate came up red even though they won't actually cause a nasty reaction (apart form the taste).
Take the report printout with you next time you visit.

(Rich Chestmat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

excellent thinking

woo yay

(lord Roystarn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:25, archived)

if you take a printout

you probably wouldn't get invited again.

(

cupboardy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:54, archived)

Or just pay someone £50 to tattoo

"I'm a gullible tosser" on your head, it's cheaper and more effective than skin prick testing as an indicator of allergy.

(It doesn't always sting when you piSSSS., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:22, archived)

why my head

they were the gulible ones
"you are a gullible tosser" more like

(lord Roystarn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:02, archived)

I've already got one of those.

Apparently theyre the latest fashion.

(Daveybaby, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:02, archived)

Hmmm

I don;t know if I can admit to this...

(

sick_boy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:49, archived)

create a new account and post under that?

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:49, archived)

.watermelon it - post and be damned....

I suppose in the big scheme of things this isn't too bad but I did irreversibly watermelon' up someone's life.....

At school I had been dragged up infront of the headmaster on dope smoking charges. They were true - I was guilty. I protested my innocence and insinuated that I had been mixed up with a fellow pupil who was infact the guilty party. I added that I was sure there were others who could corroborate my story, there were, I had primed them to do it. I asked that I wasn't named as the person that had touted on him, the headmaster gave me his word I wouldn't be.

The innocent person I had landed in it was then pulled up for his crimes and had the book thrown at him. He plead innocence but was expelled, missed exams and lost his university place.

I felt a pang of guilt after that. This has been most cathartic.

(

sick_boy, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

christ almighty

you're a bad bad bad person.

(

Zuowan, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 18:52, archived)

You absolute

cunt!

Good work!

(

Baz Fuck off, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 20:12, archived)

Thought you'd be impressed!

(

sick_boy, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 9:05, archived)

You tosspot

That's harsh...

Hope you cant sleep at night.

(

uberphil, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:27, archived)

of course you can!

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

go for it.

(

Herr Tezcat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

then let us know what you called the account

;¬P

(garfi3ld, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

bah

it's only b3ta. Who's going to know?

(weedom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:51, archived)

and reply to this thread

so we WON'T blatantly know it's still you

(Rich Chestmat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:54, archived)

This one time

my Dad killed a man but said he never and he got away with it and now he's got a really good job putting the jam in Jammy Dodgers.

(

wayward., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

/ little britain

(Symball, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:02, archived)

The old tale of...

...my mate in an upstairs dorm goes out and picks a wild girl up.
They get back to his and she is up for everything.
At one point she has her head and shoulders out of the window whilst my mate does the do...but the window falls and traps her...and she loves it even more.
He's getting tired out, so still trapped she suggests he calls a friend - so he does.
His mate comes into the room and carries on at the window.
When she finally frees up and comes into the room they find that his mate is her brother...

...and I read that somewhere...not my mate at all...biggest lie I've ever told though!

(

Ravenblack All the good quotes have gone, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:51, archived)

hehehe, nice way to turn the topic around....

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

I'm sure I heard that was Little and Large (eww)

(

Pete Donaldson, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:56, archived)

I read that too...

I think it was in the 'FHM Joke Book' my mum got me one Xmas.

Oh how I laughed </sarcasm>

(

mattl has moved to boston, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:06, archived)

Yes...

..that's the one!

See...all Lies!!!!

(

Ravenblack All the good quotes have gone, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

a mate of mine ran out into the road as a kid

he told his mum that another kid pushed him, and she sued his family and all sorts.
I don't think he's ever owned up to it

(

munkt0n, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:51, archived)

Not as bad,

but when was at school, I went to the vending maching and discovered fifty pee in the tray at the bottom...I pocketed it. About two seconds later a little kid asks me if I found any money in the machine and I said no...then I helped him look for it.

(

bovine I'm so old, even my old is old, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:51, archived)

Put him in the stocks!

Shame on you.

(

butchbint, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:53, archived)

I know it's a bit

crap, but I still feel guilty.

(

bovine I'm so old, even my old is old, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:55, archived)

We used to go to badminton club after school

for which our parents would give us a pound to pay the fee. Sometimes we'd schive off. One girl was so ~~crap~~ honest she gave the pound back to her mum and admitted to hanging round bus-stops with boys

(

butchbint, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:56, archived)

but so far

you're the only one who's not going to hell

(

new_matt, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:56, archived)

looks like we'll all be going somewhere warm for our holidays...

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:44, archived)

Find him, and give him his money back.

You know it makes sense.

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:56, archived)

With interest

(Timmy (Esq), Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:02, archived)

Marbles

were the big thing when i was at juniors. me and my pal pinched this girls marble bag and kept them for ourselves.
then we stood in front of the class and made a plea to the person who did it to give them back and suggested that everyone gave her one marble each to make her feel better. damn. i'm really a nice person honest!

(mobiletelephone, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:07, archived)

I told a desk sergeant

2 years ago that the piece of hashish (half an ounce) in my pocket was for medical reasons i.e. I had Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, and the dope was the only thing that worked for the pain and discomfort. I did it in a nice calm, reasonable middle class voice, with the occasional wince of pain. He sooooo believed me. I didn’t forget to hobble as I left the station (I’d been brought in by a different copper after being stopped and searched at 3am in Victoria). Which was so effective that the desk sergeant caught up with me 100 metres from the station, looked around, and slipped me the dope back!

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

Haha!

You win!

(

wayward., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:54, archived)

the only problem being

that this post was the biggest lie he's ever told.
sucker!

(

zog why change it now?, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:00, archived)

similar............

at college i greened out in the loos after a heavy lunchtime bong session and was discovered by my form tutor.

He asked me if i had anything i wanted to talk about, and, with remarkable mental dexterity considering my state of mind, i told him i wasn't eating properly and had come over all weak and collapsed.

As i was (and still am) a scrawney so and so, he ate this right up, and i took great care to ensure he never saw me consume anything other than cups of vending machine tea for the rest of the year, a small price to pay for escaping expulsion!

I do feel rather guilty as he often took me to one side and asked me if things were OK whilst handing me leaflets on eating disorders he had obviously gone out of his way to obtain!

(Pablo El Pancache, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:02, archived)

Nope.

And I'm very glad it isn't. You can get done for dealing with bits of dope over an eighth.

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:11, archived)

LIES!

Of course you're the only one honey! Would I lie to you?

Actually can't believe I keep getting away with that one.

(

HornO, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

**snigger**

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:54, archived)

no i won't cum in your mouth

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

...son...

(

Ravenblack All the good quotes have gone, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:54, archived)

Thedogatemyhomeworkthecheque'sinthemail

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:54, archived)

You only get away with that one...

...once though.

(

Mystery_Bob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:57, archived)

Next time it has to be...

...I won't cum in your mouth again...

(

Ravenblack All the good quotes have gone, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:01, archived)

...son...

sorry!

(Jester_, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:38, archived)

Arf!

(

Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:29, archived)

No, i read it in cosmo

lots of women enjoy hard anal action.

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:01, archived)

are you sure that was cosmo and not razzle?

(

new_matt, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:05, archived)

yes you are bigger than the other guys

and so much better..

(

Lynxkitten, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:04, archived)

touche'

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:06, archived)

first part of that is true in my case

..oh, you didn't mean waist size did you?

(

thirdman Ia! Ia! R'lyeh Cthulhu ftagn! Ia! Ia! Mglui nafl, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:08, archived)

ARGH

TEETH

(MrPSB, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:16, archived)

Yes, and

Of course size doesn't matter honey*

*HUGE LIE!

(

Bitchy Teresa is bitchy, duh., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:43, archived)

Hell Yeah!

Don't trust any woman who says size doesn't matter!!!
It's the most-used lie in the world!

(The Squirrels in the graveyard steal my drugs and swear at me!, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:38, archived)

heres a few

no, i dont fancy your mate, i love you.
yes, that WAS amazing!
Of course you dont, you look lovely.
No, i like your bum.
you're the most beautiful woman ive ever seen

etc

you can see where these are all going...

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:57, archived)

it's huge

'nuff said

(jeffna has blue yfronts with white piping, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:05, archived)

not a lie by me, but my ex girlfriend....

"i've never had sex before"

haha, lying bint

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:10, archived)

I'm not sure if this is a lie or not...

But out of interest - when a girl uses the phrase 'it's not because there's someone else - honestly' about 30 times in 10 minutes whilst breaking up with you is she pulling your pisser so-to-speak?

(

Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 3:30, archived)

100% of CONJECTURE:

If she's met someone else she will say "I just don't think it's working between us any more" to make it easier on you.

If she just thinks it isn't working any more she will tell you she's met someone else, to make it easier on you.

(

Oscar Wildebeest, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:02, archived)

spare my feelings?

With me it was just "you're a crap loser, my new man drives a Tigra".

Gotta love petite, dirty welsh women though.

(mcnelson, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 17:34, archived)

a Tigra?

oh god...

you really MUST be crap to be beaten by a guy who drivesa car that is even camper than I..

(

MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 0:25, archived)

The greatest of all lies

Lo Love and to hold, till death do us part...

(I think that the word divorce needs to be in that sentace somewhere)

(Fubear, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:14, archived)

err, not a huge lie, but

"i'm just staying for one pint. I'll be home in half an hour"

i seem to tell that lie every day.

(snitchell, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 11:58, archived)

Mine

is more like;
"the first train was cancelled, the second one was an hour late!

...

Why do I smell of beer? - I waited in the pub,

...

NO! I just had a coffee, don't you trust me or something??"

(

beast_with_two_backs Every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:01, archived)

my excuse is always

"i was in a round system. it would have been rude if i didn't get my round in, and i can't afford to let beer go to waste and leave before we've finished the round."

(snitchell, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:05, archived)

I am

so unlike other women, I must be a freak or something but I don't understand why someone would have a problem with their other half having a few beers...
???

(myngemold, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 23:56, archived)

If it wasn't for your name I'd ask you to marry me...

(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 15:41, archived)

I felt soooo bad.....

A few years ago I was working on a large construction site in south east london. The job was not too bad, but they had this idea about making people work weekend overtime once a month without getting the time and a half you would rightfully expect.

chutney to that i thought, i'm going drinking (i was about 18 and had no intention of hanging around on a summers weekend to watch concrete slabs being poured)and hatched a plan with a friend that he would ring up on thursday morning (friday might look a bit sus i thought) and speak to my boss with a really disgusting porkie about another friend having been run over.

Thursday morning came and went, i thought my so called friend had failed me or bottled out and i was rapidly thinking of a good excuse to get me into the pub at a reasonable time when the call came out on my radio that i had to see the guv'nor URGENT!!

I trotted off back to the offices where i was met by my ashen faced boss. He ushered me into his plush office where he said i might like to sit down as i had an important phone call. Jackpot I thought, Dan has come through after all. The trouble was, it all looked so serious and my boss looked sooooooo pale, I didn't know if i could actually speak to my mate who i knew would try and make me laugh as soon as i picked up the phone.

Somehow, with the fear of getting busted parylising my humour gland i managed to take the call without cracking up. Once the phone was down my boss, the lovely chap that he was, reached to his filing cabinet and offered me a small whiskey "to settle my nerves" after my terrible news. Dan had explained to him that another mate had been hit by a truck and was in itensive care and family and friends should go and visit within the next few hours if they wanted to see him alive. My boss wes so moved by my plight he offered me the use of his company car to get back to the midlands quicker than the train. When i told him that i didn't have a licence he insisted that he give me a lift to the station, via my house to pick up clothes for the weekend and that i should also take a couple of days off to recover from the shock.

I used a similar porkie a few years later but said i had been messing around and accidently chased a friend in front of a range rover. i got the time off that i wanted but felt truely wrong when the boys at work had held a whip round for the girl i had supposedly hospitalised.

i know i'm going to burn in hell

(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:29, archived)

gee willigers

those are the best (worst) so far

(

Pee-Bob, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 4:24, archived)

conniving salesman cranberry

I was truly a cranberry, I admit it.

I was doing door to door sales in a northerly scottish city, in the pissing rain and driving snow. It was miserablely hard work, and sales were not going to well. I think I'd made about 16 quid for 8 hours work, and still had four to go.

I knocked on this one ladies door, and she listened to my speel for about two minutes, before saying that she couldn't afford to buy my restaurant discount card. However, being nice, she invited me in. She explained that she was divorced with two kids, and that she really had no money. And anyway, what was I doing door-to-door sales for? (I was a freshfaced, be-ponytailed 18 at the time)

Thinking fast, I told her that I was doing it because my girlfriend was pregnant, and we needed the money for the deposit on a flat. The poor woman just melted with sympathy, went and fetched her purse, and handed me the 15 quid for this poxy restaurant card. That was quite probably her food budget.

Then she asked me the question: "When's she due?". I answered "October", at which she looked very puzzled. I'd picked a month off the top of my head, and didn't do any sums.

This happened in November. Had my imaginary girlfriend fallen pregnant that very morning, she would have been in the Guiness book of records for being the first woman ever to be pregnant for 11 months. Or Huntingdon Life Sciences being chopped up for research.

My escape was to quickly put on my innocent face and say "Oh, I thought you meant when she *fell* pregnant.". And get out of the front door very quickly.

I have, honestly, felt guilty about that for years. All I got from the sale was 4 quid.

(weedom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:01, archived)

Ha! Always talk slowly when lying. Give youself a chance to be accurate.

Though there was a character in Crossroads who was pregnant for 11 months. The actress got pregnant two months after the character.

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:03, archived)

Why

would you know something like that???

(weedom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:24, archived)

Because I did my 1st year IT HND project on soap operas.

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:42, archived)

On the subject of "selling"....

I used to sell time-shares.

We used to phone loads of people up and pretend to be from a newly-established kitchen company. All we wanted, I would say, is to ask a few questions about their 'kitchen habits'... do you use a dishwasher, madam... how often do you use the toaster, madam... does madam make use of the potato peeler... etc etc and other pointless questions.

At the end, we would tell them we would enter them in a free prize draw to win a brand spanking new kitchen as a sign of our gratitude.

Then, about a month later, we would phone ALL of them up and say "Remember us? You've won a free kitchen! Congratulations!". All they had to do was come along one and choose what style of kitchen they wanted...

So of course, one night at some London hotel, loads of people would arrive having travelled from far and wide full of excitement (mainly the wives) at the prospect of getting their free dream-kitchen...

... only to find themselves locked in a room and made to watch a time-share video...

... and then be told that the only way they would get a free kitchen was if they spent money they didn't have on some time-share somewhere in Spain.

Also, the kitchen they would get could probably be purchased in a pound shop.

Notice how I use the words "we" and "us" in an effort to spread the guilt amongst my ex-employers and fellow workers....

(meat katie rocked the other nite and also on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:07, archived)

I believe that is known as either

'sugging' or 'being a cranberry'.

(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 19:08, archived)

Lawyers or that... I don't know which is worse!

I just called Satan. He told me he bumped you up on his list.

(st0pid, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:38, archived)

Why...

...did He not like his 3 bedroomed appartment in Estepona?

(meat katie rocked the other nite and also on, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 15:00, archived)

It's not a biggie

But I've had Geography coursework I'm ment to have been doing since Febuary. So far I've got some fieldnotes (but I've lost half of them) a couple of maps of where in the UK Cromar is that I printed off the web and some photos. I've been telling all and sundry who ask that I've been spending every waking moment on it (like I'm ment to be doing it now- mum gave me the day off school to stay and do it) but I haven't touched it. I haven't got enough to meet the deadline for having very basic things done, which was September. watermelon.

(

Whillow, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:02, archived)

you're fucked

i did that at school, and failed* all but 2 exams

my advice, quit fucking around, and get your ass into gear. This is coming from someone who has been there AND done that

*by which, i mean i got a D or lower, thus meaning i couldnt do A levels

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:06, archived)

Yeah, I know

I'm just gonna go do some desire line graphs and see if I can get anywhere after that, so off now. The problem is that untill coursework came along I was doing fine because I can always get the answers in an exam pretty well and get As most of the time, but my general work is shite.

(

Whillow, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:25, archived)

You will fail them all

because you can't spell for shite.
Still, this country needs factory workers.

(Lambkin, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:20, archived)

I did that

and did fine, dont worry about it, gcse's are a breeze...

but

Your probabbly still fucked and destined to drive round one of them road sweepy things in some city. Actually thats quite cool i wouldnt mind one of them. Whatever. Watermelon.

(

uberphil, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:42, archived)

I did much the same once

I prepared 6 months worth of geography course work in one day.

I was meant to be analysing acid rain.

I simply dipped a few bits of litmus paper into some sarsons, and re-wrote a few stories nabbed from the Guardian.

Passed with flying colours. Yay.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:11, archived)

Genious

I really should go do this now, it's your fault for starting b3ta...

I don't think I've ever actually done a piece of coursework outside the week before it's due in.

(

Whillow, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:23, archived)

my final geography coursework

for a-levels:

I decided to analyse various locations on the "Chevin" (big hill on my back doorstep) for the environment, and the plants that grew there.

I did sod all until the last week, where i proceeded walk up the Chevin, look where there was some grass, and where there wasnt, make up a load of plants that might grow then, and create a table of results with percentages that all added up (the hardest part)

After this, I went up the chevin again, took 15 photographs pretty much at random with my crap digicam, labelled al;l the pics how i wanted cos the resolution was so crap, invented some wind speeds, invented a load of soil pHs.. and wrote some generic crud about what grew there, using common sense.

i got a D... doh.

My chemistry went very wrong too.. I actually tried, but it all went wrong, so I wasted about 12 hours of well meaning work, to scrap these inaccurate results.. and uhm.. make up around 200 completely non-existant ones. I then had to write an entire investigationon this (i managed 27 pages)

I got an E... doh again.

I'm now destined for Huddersfield Uni, not Leeds...

TRUST ME, YOU HAVE TO BE A GOD LIKE MR MANUEL TO DO THIS RIGHT.

(

MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 0:37, archived)

A level geography

I made up the flow pattern for a river somewhere near my house in lovely Norfolk. They were ok, because I copied them from a book, changing them slightly to avoid detection. Unfortunately, I unwittingly changed them so they looked like a far more complicated pattern. The examiner spotted this and interogated me about it. All could say was that the water went round and round in the stream. The words 'Helicoidal flow' still brings me out in cold sweats. I still hate geography.

(Lapin, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:07, archived)

I would just like to say

that my dissertation was officially 1 years work including 12 practical sessions, and monthly updates with my tutor.
In reality, i bluffed my lazyass way past the silly mare for all of our meetings. The work started 10 days before being handed in. There was half a practical involving me blowing up my guitar amp with a tone generator.(it was on fourier analysis to test frequency range of electrical equipment by sending square waves through it)
I didn't sleep for the last three days.
After 3 years of starting assesments the night before the deadline and ensuring myself it wouldn't happen again, you think i may have learnt.
And the woman believed me so much, i got a first for it.

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:16, archived)

Wow

Looks like Marty McFly went to uni

(Rockin'RichieK, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 3:02, archived)

in a similar vein...

I watermeloned up a science experiment for my GCSE final exams, so I copied word for word, number for number, my mates results.

He had his handed back first with a note saying that the examiners didn't belive his results as they were "too good to be true". I was a tad worried...

...until that is I got mine back with a note saying "Excellent set of results".

I got a higher grade than him. I managed to convince him that he didn't want to protest his grade as it would expose what I'd done.

(minister of heresy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:31, archived)

Heh

I did the same for GCSE Geography.

Here's the 100 questionnaires. Yes, I did stand in the pouring rain in the city centre asking people. No, of course I wasn't filling them all in myself whilst you were preattling on about contour lines and what they mean.

And all this info about the number of cars going across a certian bridge, of course I sat there for an hour counting. No I didn't make up the graph, then fit the numbers in the tabel to fit it with an error of abotu 10%.

Come to think of it, I think GCSE Biology was fairly simlar. I'd never get the results from experiments even within 50% of what was expected. So you draw a fairly good graph, plot points sort of close to the curve, then read off the values to go into the table. Works wonders if you understand the experiment and what the results should be, but are using utterly shite equpitment.

(

Not Called Dave, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:28, archived)

did the same

had some survey to do, i think it was "the heights of buildings", stood there for a bit, and then when we were sure nobody was around, went to the pub.

was in college not school though.

(scumface, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:34, archived)

Di you know

If you plot a graph in MS Excel from data, you can drag the points on the graph around and the data changes.

Finding that changed my whole opinion of Microsoft.

Pure genius.

(Insanity, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:56, archived)

Really?

Gah, if only I'd known that!

(

useful_idiot, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:48, archived)

yup

we've used it for our physical chemistry practicals many a time.

i'm doing third year chemistry at university now ;)

(corruptia, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:17, archived)

Hahah

Yeah, I also did both the stones and the data survey lies... Actually, for doing a tourism survey about where people came from I just sat in the shade somewhere and rang up some mates, hence why all my friends from around Britain were inexplicably in Cromar for the weekend...

Biology's great- since I can answer basically any question she throws at me I can get off not doing work easier. Though we're now doing reproduction, and thinking about sex and my hideous teacher isn't that great...

(

Whillow, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:45, archived)

You should try

talking about sex in religious studies. that is far more disturbin. I am going to need lots of therapy once i leave school.

(emma51, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 22:34, archived)

For my A-level geography

fieldwork I couldn't be bothered to wade about in rivers measuring pebbles. So my friend and I wrote a program to simulate meanders and do all sorts of clever things, like adding a degree of varying randomness to make the results look real.

Needless to say, writing said program took a hell of a lot longer and took a lot more brain power than just measuring stones. Anyway, it worked and I got an A. Yay!

(

splorp ®, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:12, archived)

I remember

a mate of mine and myself doing that for a major physical chemistry practical at A-Level. Something to do with rates of reactions, orders of reaction, all that bollocks.

We made this marvelous spreadsheet - whack in starting concentrations, rate of reaction and all that, and wham, you'd have a lovely data set complete with errors. Nice.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 1:25, archived)

At uni....

I once had some coursework for a subsid module, that was prt of me Science Foundation Year (equiv. of A levels). I was supposed to spend most of the semester drawing pictures of the moon, then got to the last day and realised i'd done fook all. some hefty internet research later i had all the data i needed, but had ended up putting more effort into faking the results than i would have done into actually just taking them in the first place.

(Fantastic Mr Porter is bored, and wishes it was, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 0:59, archived)

I do that all the time.
No, wait, I *used* to do that all the time.

(HanaBizzle, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:24, archived)

don't listen!

Don't believe them! I did what you're doing and got 4 As, 5 Bs, a C and a D (for Deutsch). The GCSE's really are getting easier!

I don't try to condone the act of slacking, it would probably be a good idea to do at least a wee bit of work.

(SpookTheHamster, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 18:49, archived)

I got given an assignment

on wide area networking, we had a spec and had to come up with a suitable WAN, complete with costings and a description of all the technologies involved.

To complete this assignment I simply rang BT's wide area network sales and read them the requirements and wrote down what they said, inserting the phrase (see chapter 2) next to the first mention of ISDN, (see chapter 3) after the first mention of ATM (ADSL didn't exist back then)

The other chapters, one on each technology where web pages copied from american sites then run through the Word grammar checker to turn them into UK english, since I knew the college checked for this sort of copying by throwing some of your paragraphs into altavista.

It gets better though. I lent the assignment to a mate who was struggling and he changed the font from 12pt to 10pt and put on a different front cover.

The result? I got a distinction, he got a pass.

(

Lum, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 22:36, archived)

Doesn't everybody pull stunts like that...

when they can't be arsed?

I did a similar thing with both my Higher English and my CSYS Computing.

For my Higher English, i generally couldn't be bothered but i had to do a RPR (essentially a critical analysis of personal reading) as it accounted for a third of the marks. I never bothered handing in a rough draft and just vaguely murmured something to my English teacher when she brought the subject up.

It eventually got to two weeks after the thing was due in before i produced a final draft in a couple of hours entitled something like "The use of contrast in the Martian landscape as a thematic metaphor in Kim Stanley Robinson's Green Mars". After giving it a preliminary mark of an 'A' she was suitably impressed. She'd written me off long ago as a deadloss.

I neglected to mention to her that i'd made up the all of the quotes used or that i'd simply regurgitated an idea i'd touched upon in an essay i did at Standard Grade on the preceding title in the trilogy - the rules only stated you weren't allowed to use a text you'd read at S-Grade. Nothing in there about sequels...

As for my CSYS Computing, that was a damn sight more dangerous as the project was assessed by a visiting examiner who would discuss your project with you - in our case a lecturer in computing at one of the local uni's.

I managed to get away with it despite simply printing off some suitably impressive proggie i'd written in (IIRC) Z80 Assembler years before hand as well as making up the test data and documentation a few days before it had to be handed in. I was helped by the fact the assessor didn't actually get to see the code in action - it only bore a passing resemblance to what i said it did. I got 34 out of 40 for that...

(rev9of8, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 21:45, archived)

A lie of omission is still a lie, and this one's a cracker.

When I was in Primary 6 (1984) we were running about like the idiots ten year olds are playing base tig (or tag, whatever you englishers call it) The base, wherein you could not be het (or made 'it', see above) was the school bogs. I was the het man (see abo..you get the picture) and was chasing one of my classmates who was running full pelt straight for the bog door. If I could get him just before we reached the door I could sneak into the bogs and be safe. A perfect plan, only foiled by him suddenly spinning away from the toilet door at the last second in a kind of "Platoon" NOOoooooo motion. I was running too fast to stop and ploughed into the door, which if I've not mentioned before had one of those metal closing devices with the two strips of metal to keep the door shut and a window above it. Unfortunately my best friend was up on someone's shoulders looking through this window at the time and as I barged through the door the metal closing mechanism neatly sliced the top of his finger off. Shock instantly overcame him and the last person he recalled seeing was the person I was chasing. Needless to say this person got the blame and has had to carry the burden all these years.

I owned up about six months ago in a fit of hideous remorse. Actually that last bit's not true. I had cleaned him out at poker and said, "Oh and by the way, I took the top of your finger too."

(

Bingowings 2011 Businessman of the Year (Watford Branch), Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:04, archived)

that made me wince

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:11, archived)

round of applause for that man

give him a big hand

(

VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:54, archived)

its more than the victim could

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:23, archived)

At school, I was a total goody goody

... on the surface...

This meant that I could get away with anything because the teachers never suspected miss goody two shoes. This was Junior school in the late 70's.

There was this kid in the class called Stuart Hughes who was a kind of amiable dimwit. One time I was sat next to him (at the front of the class, natch). Secreted in my desk was a drawing pin.

When he got up out of his seat I planted the pin point up and awaited his return. He sat right down on it and leaped into the air clutching his arse and making a most gratifying kind of "yarrrrrrroooooo" noise.

The teacher hurried over and stood in front of my desk. "Claire!" she barked, and I thought oh shit my cover is blown, but relaxed as she continued, "did you see who did that?"

"No miss" *angelic smile*

She may even have thought he did it himself, for attention...

Sorry Stuart, but it was too perfect an opportunity to ignore.

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:07, archived)

ooooh

a female bristolian b3tan! They do exist then!

(

icezebra *insert large monkey*, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:11, archived)

You don't get out much then?

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:14, archived)

: )

You mean you're not the only lady in bristol?

(

icezebra *insert large monkey*, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:20, archived)

I know of at least

one other!

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:28, archived)

ME!

I'm from Bristol, and female.

(Flower has a new job!, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:51, archived)

i am orginally from just outside of bristol but am male

but now living in swansea!!

(

Plomien is Polish for flame, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 2:09, archived)

Me is from Bristol

Me own Ma's a shithead.

(

karatesausage, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:45, archived)

wahey

another fellow swansea boy!
sorry, i've never lived in bristol though.

(pomegranate, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 0:16, archived)

i'm from bristol!

but not female.

(

wingphil, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:31, archived)

I be from Brizzle

...but I wasn't female last time I looked...

sorry

(

man/child/goblin should be old enough to know better by now, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:52, archived)

I hadn't realised

you were from Bristol.

There should be a Bristol B3ta bash. There seem to be a fair few of us... Crash space available at my pad for those who want to travel.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:34, archived)

There was one,

I think it was in August. I couldn't get to it cos I was playing with motorbikes instead.

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:38, archived)

Nothing to stop

another one happening surely? it's 3 months since that one, and I wan't even in Bristol then - I was climbing big mountains in the Alps, so I think that counts as a valid excuse.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:40, archived)

Agreed!

LP organised the last one, I think.

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:44, archived)

I've whacked a post

up on the 'main' board. I could post a link here but I didn't copy the post number down. Duh. It's there though, under a picture of a kitten / Squirrel thing.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:47, archived)

I be from Brizzle too

Me Babber,

Eee be having thee bash too me lover?

(Bristol Tom, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:45, archived)

I'm from Bristol too

well, from Devizes in wilts originally, but I'm climbing the West Country Status Ladder, so now I live in a city, inside loo, central heating, ITV etc.

B3ta bash would be cool..Bierkeller?

(Rockster77, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:46, archived)

Why do they like potatoes in Wiltshire?

Coz they got the Devizes for Chippenham!

Boom Boom

/coat

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:50, archived)

Check out the pub scheduler

on 4rthur. It's there on the 10th Dec.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:57, archived)

Oooo

You are from Devizes originally? Me too o.o;; Scary.

(Ocarina and the horse comes., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 2:11, archived)

there was a Stuart Hughes at my school

His nickname was Bus Man because his dad drove a bus. This wasn't actually true but it didn't stop the name calling.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:16, archived)

This Stuart Hughes

spent most of each day climbing in and out of the (ground floor) classroom windows, or sitting quietly waiting for the snot dribble to reach his top lip where he could lick it off.

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:19, archived)

These Stuart Hughe(s)

Were either of these two Stuart Hughes from Burton-on-Trent? or Belper?

(SneakyPete, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:48, archived)

kids can be so cruel

(

thorpe www.voodootrombonequartet.com, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 14:03, archived)

Being able to get away with everything

doesn't always work, as I've just found out above...

(

Whillow, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:28, archived)

"yarrrrrrroooooo"

fantastic

(

manolith hooray for me, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:01, archived)

similar, but with no lying and near-tragic results

in maybe 5th grade i stuck a pencil under my friends ass as he sat down. maybe it is a biological phenomenon but he, too, made a rather incredible noise as he shot up like a rocket.

i remember relatively vividly the principal telling me that they removed a chunk of pencil lead that was imbedded in his skin about half an inch away from his scrotum. *shudders* i was bad. its not like he would have had kids, anyway, as he died drunk driving

(

Pee-Bob, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 4:39, archived)

Possibly, you share my secret identity...

I was also Miss Goody-Two-Shoes USA for most of my school years. That is , until I told a boy named Dave that a giant pumpkin was going to smash his house on halloween. It was a joke, and he went insane, "pumpkin-proofing" his house with packing peanuts and duct tape. Dave was in perfect mental health. Dave was in 9th grade, i was in 7th. Do teh math. Sorry dave.

(number 27-hunter, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 22:52, archived)

After carving my name into

the nice soft brick of an isolated school wall in 3 inch high, quarter inch deep letters and then rubbing some soot into them to make them read better, for some reason the headmaster called me into his study.

He asked me if I'd carved my name on the wall. I said "No. Do you seriously think I'm stupid enough to carve my own name into a wall?"

He let me go.

I went back there a couple of years ago - my name was still there in huge letters :)

(

chthonic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:08, archived)

there is

some graffiti at the top of my scholl, which claims to be from the 1800`s. The school was built in about 1923!
Although it is carved in very good gothic script.

(

Greenbat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:12, archived)

top of your scholl?

Grafitti on your corrective sandals?

(Dangermouse., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:29, archived)

Oh dear

I'm supposed to be top set in most subjects

(

Greenbat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:00, archived)

i used to go to ags

that is all

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:43, archived)

I'm there

now

(Quatermass and teh Shit, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:23, archived)

My school

had pre-war stuff scratched into the walls - probably the real thing, too, as it was almost half an inch deep by the time I was there.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:33, archived)

Boring

Boring boring boring

(lamagic, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:44, archived)

Ah, school hi-jinks... :)

On the related subject of encounters with the headmaster's office...

Whilst I was at school at the age of 14 my class was ordered to make a class magazine as an "audition" for making the school magazine. Participation was not optional.

Of course, your old pal Orin didn't want to do this, but I cheered up immensely when I was saddled with the "agony aunt" page. I didn't have to answer the letters, sadly enough (I would have had so much fun) but I DID have to supply fake agony aunt letters to the gaggle of girls who were going to answer them. Rubbing my hands gleefully, I sat down and wrote a sob story from our maths teacher, who was well-known for an all-encompassing body odour (thus earning his the nickname "kipper" or "pilchard"). The letter naturally complained about how his hideous stench left his friendless and quite unable to meet enough women to satsfy his rampant libido.

Finding my own work rather amusing, I got up from my desk to fetch one of the others and show off my handiwork... only to find the piece of lined A4 on which I had composed this masterpiece missing upon my return. It turns out that one Mr. Tom Graham, stalwart loony of our class, had decided to grab the letter and take a short walk into the lower school building, where he pinned it up outside the deputy head's office.

Of course, the first I find out about this is an hour later when Mr. Price sees this upon returning to his office and comes to fetch the culprit. Through an examination of handwriting he'd narrowed it down to two members of the class. Knowing that the other suspect had a full alibi (and an alternative piece of work as evidence of this) I owned up, and was taken back to the office for a bollocking.

Once the door had shut behind me I was told that in no uncertain terms my behaviour was disgusting and that if I evber pulled anything of that nature again I would be suspended without question. The Mr. Price broke into a bizarre grin, and told me that, strictly off the record, my letter had been the most amusing and apt thing he had read all year, and that it had gone down a storm in the staff room when he had passed it around that morning.

So, basically, I got away scot free.

(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:35, archived)

Class!

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:43, archived)

Fuckin Brilliant

(

Banana, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:05, archived)

awesome

as the saying goes, "If you don't have something nice to say, say something mean but funny."

(

Pee-Bob, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 4:42, archived)

I was a really bad weevil when I was in school!

I went to a private Christian school and got into HEAPS of mischief! (Partly because I was not part of their church and questioned religion a lot)
Once I threw my desk across the room and got the strap from the head master. But the best thing I did was steal a pair of glasses from a friend in the neighborhood who didn't go to my school and I wore them for about two weeks getting all the attention blablabla, but then I got bored with that and stopped wearing them. Because I didn't want to get caught out in a lie I told the class that the glasses were giving me headaches and I needed to get contacts instead.
Having done that I could stop the entire class and have them at my feet looking for "lost contacts" when ever I was bored! (I think I only did it 2 or 3 times)
HAHAHA stupid happy baby orangutan! I was only 9!!!

(

Weevilgrl, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:58, archived)

woo!

That is beautiful! :D

(Anduril, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:21, archived)

There is

a girl that stalked me for a time last year, I don't think she lies par se, just is actually very mad.

She thinks bob marley is her dad,
She tells her landlord that she has cancer so he doesn't ask for her rent
She sold her story of shagging orlando bloom to the news of the world & the sport.
she said she loved me...

mad woman.

(doktored, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:11, archived)

Which one gave it away?

(

Danblez, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:15, archived)

orlando bloom

you got a link to the news story? Just curious.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:17, archived)

Hmmm.

Well, one day some with some friends we were messing around up a hill where I lived, and I kicked a big boulder over.

This boulder, which must have weighed 25kg, started rolling down the hill, and ended up going through someones campsite at about 60mph, taking most of their camping gear with it, ending with a spectacular jump, straight through one side of their tent and out the other.

(luckily, nobody was in the tent - this would have been a different sotry . . .)

As soon as we saw the rock starting to roll, we had all ducked out of sight.

So we casually sauntered in a roundabout way to the scene of utter devastation, to find the campers, weekend utterly ruined, staring with dismay at the apparent plane wreck.

"Oooh. What happened?" I said.

"Looks like that rock slipped down the hill" They said.

"Bummer" I said.

(

Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:24, archived)

Hahaaa

I just snorted my slimfast reading that

(

Sandman-uk, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:46, archived)

Snorted?

I mainline my slimfast...

(Not very much gravitas at all, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:55, archived)

She shagged Orlando Bloom?

Lucky cow.

(HanaBizzle, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:28, archived)

seconded

if its true, that is. is it? surely not.

i wanna see the stories :)

(nutty_nut_nuts, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:46, archived)

Correction

I don't think it's true. But I should have 'gullible' tattooed across my forehead in big black letters.

(HanaBizzle, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 18:33, archived)

Not so much a lie

as not passing on full information.

As a a sixth former at school, I helped administer the school network. The fact this meant I had free access to everything (headmaster's files can be very interesting...) is a separate story.

Anywho, as a thank you from the school I got given free lunches with the moneyless card system the school has. I forgot to inform my parents of this, which resulted in £10 beer money a week. Score!

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:16, archived)

Hahahahaha

RESULT!

(

Danblez, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:17, archived)

I thought so!

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:18, archived)

my school had one of those silly card systems

and a fucking ripoff it was too!

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:18, archived)

Prices were the same

when it changed over. Only thig was that the little kids were pissed off that they couldn't use their pocket money to go to the sweet shop before school, cos their parents wrote cheques to put credit on the account. Hahaha.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:20, archived)

nah, the extortion at my school

was that you could only top up with 50 pees and £1 coins, as well as notes (£10 and £20 only), so no matter how hard you tried, you couldnt spend it all.

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:22, archived)

The automated machine

where people could top their cards up carried on breaking. The entire system ran over the network, so I went down to try and reboot / fix it once.

I opened it up with the key, peered inside, and realised that the entire thing was built on breakboard, save for a bit of networking stuff. A dry joint was causing the problem.

Retart start up company. Lowest bidder = shitty products.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:37, archived)

Heh!

My money making scam was to use ink remover and a stamp nicked from the corner shop to make my monthly bus pass work for 2 more months before the cardboard started to disintegrate. Meant I had snout money for 2 months out of 3.

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:19, archived)

in the teachers strike in the 80s

the teachers refused to do any work which was outside their job description. This included collecting dinner money. We had to drop it into a jar "on trust."

Trust an 8 year old with £2? You've got to be joking.

The trick was to drop 10p in the pot to make a jangling noise.

Every Monday after school there was a queue of kids outside the sweet shop buying liquorice shoe laces and fruit salads.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:21, archived)

i'm not wanking as i write this.

(my badger is cuter thany your mom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:20, archived)

yes you are!

whats that your hand is doing?

(KurutteiruRisu, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 3:23, archived)

*WHOOOOOSH*

thats the sound of the OP flying right over your head ;-)

(meejahor, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:08, archived)

I live in a very small place with lots of small people.

Anyway, I had had my first car for a few weeks and in the same day I managed to break both my wing-mirrors in the very small lanes around my parents house. Said parents had a right go when they saw my car later that evening so to get myself, out of trouble, i binned the smashed glass and told them they had been knicked. My horrified parents drove me straight to the little local police station where I had to make a little statement about my stolen wing-mirrors. The next day there is an article on the front of the little local press detailing this terrible crime that had happened to my little car.

/edit I am glad to say this is the only time I have made the front page of the local press, although there have been numerous page 3 appearances (this is the local business page thankfully).

(Tabilda Been away a LONG time *grovels*, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:26, archived)

something similar happened to me once...

managed to zeppelin one of the wing mirrors off my parents spangly new focus whilst doing 60 too close to a parked van. Told them it was like that when i returned to the park car later. Cost them £60 to repair. Not told them and possibly never will

(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:36, archived)

not my lie but i was the subject!!!

I started smoking at a rather young age, and as such everybody new i smoked for all my upper school career, this gave many of my friends cover stories if they were caught smelling of smoke.

One day at school, a friend went out to have a crafty cig, and walked straight back into the school and was stopped by our head of year. He tried using the standard response/lie, 'i've just been for a walk with mat!'

However, he didn't know that i had previously been caught smoking by the same teacher, and had been picking up litter within eye shot for the whole lunch hour! Needless to say i had company picking litter the following breaktime!

(enig-mat-ic!, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:32, archived)

This still makes me cringe with shame

I told a girl at her 21st birthday that the reason one of her mates hadn't come was because she was also going out with her then boyfriend.

It was a complete lie. I'd not even met her before. I was jealous and drunk and stupid. I made her cry in front of her family and friends.

I hate myself still.

(

chthonic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:37, archived)

Cringe!

Making girls cry isn't big or clever.

I once went 'round to my then girlfriend's place to break it off with her, as I'd met a much dirtier girl (not the reason I gave her!). I had my mate Tony wait across the road, then ring on her bell, panting, as if he'd been desparately looking for me, 4 minutes later (being the amount of time I judged that she'd take to start crying) and tell me there was an emergency at the restaurant (I was a chef in those days), and I had to get there fast. I heard her break down in tears as I walked down her drive with Tony. I still feel very bad about it, as she was a very nice person. Just wouldn't get her kit off.

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:50, archived)

Making Girls Cry Can Be Big And Clever

I met my current lady about 3 years ago. She was going out with some other guy (and would continue to do so until the start of this year) and I had just broken up with someone.

I am the kind of vindictive cranberry to take revenge on the entire female species (whether or not they are responsible for my ire) so after about 5 minutes of me laying in to her (along the lines of "you are the fucking ugliest piece of shit I have ever had to speak to in my life"), she ran to the pub toilets in tears.

When I bumped into her about 6 months ago, she remembered me as "that cranberry that made me cry". I didn't remember her at all until much later, when she reminded me of the story.

My earlier cuntish behaviour provided the perfect before / after situation of charming, happy drunk with miserable, bastard drunk. I could not fail.

Now she's MY gorgeously depraved girl I ca't say enough nice things about her.

"you are the fucking ugliest piece of shit I have ever had to speak to in my life" is not the biggest lie I've ever told - but it is proof that making girls cry can work to your advantage!

(Endjinn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:38, archived)

that girl

must have seriously low self esteem to go out with someone who spoke to her like that.

(myngemold, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 9:33, archived)

Like I said

the before and after effect. Me not being a cranberry seems sooo much better compared to me being a cranberry.

And hell, three years is a long time. She pragmatically don't take the drunken ramblings of some guy she barely knew THAT seriously.

(Endjinn, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:43, archived)

that really sucks

(

rosey, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:22, archived)

Similar..

and a truth, not a lie. Was about 15 at a party wiv mates. Obviously blind drunk and then some. There were these two twins. Usually eyes would light up at the thought of this, but these two were, well, minging would be kind*. One of them comes onto my mate, and tries to snog him. He tells her, in a remarkably untactful manner, that not only is she fat, but she is also very ugly, and thus should watermelon off and leave him alone. He really was very scathing! Floods of tears, all sorts of trauma. Everyone is reviling poor old Ian, who by this time is sobering up slightly and can't understand why he keeps getting dirty looks from all the girls and none of them will talk to him, coz he can't remember anything about it! Fuckwit.
Not really relevant, but funny nevertheless

*sorry, but 100% FACT

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:23, archived)

something i probably SHOULD lie about

girlfriend asks... "does my bum look big in this?"

I reply "no silly ... it IS big."

(dazron, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:38, archived)

Does this skirt make my bum look big?

No darling, it's all those cakes you've been eating!

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:08, archived)

silly

Silly silly men. do you like spending 3 hours shopping on a saturday afternoon? If not then come out with some of these when your lady comes out the changing rooms.
that skirt will go really well with your knee high boots(every girl has them)
that top gives you fantastic cleavage
have you lost weight? those trousers look great
that dress is really sexy....i dont think i should let your own with that on.
of coarse if you like spending all day in next tell her shes lardy

(lucky8, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 16:40, archived)

aged about ten

we had to do long-term projects on transport in school. it was out only homework for an entire term - the long term between easter and the summer, like eleven weeks. at this point, this was the biggest piece of work any of us had ever done - to a ten year-old this was degree-standard. everyone else spent weeks and weeks on theirs, i never even started it.
when they had all been collected in, the teacher came up to me and said "where was yours?".
i told her "you must have lost it".
and that was the last that ever came of it. i was a right little git back then though, like once i stayed behind on a Friday, wrote a bunch of really bad stuff about the teacher on the board and put up the "do not clean the board" sign. on monday i got the grilling of my life, but there was no proof (other than i was the only kid in the class who didn't get a school bus) so i got off scot free.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:42, archived)

i did a similar thing.

In the second year we had to do a project on Shakespear. I was crap at doing projects, and could never be bothered, so i didn't do it, and didn't hand it in. When they got handed back my English teacher said she didn't have mine. She was very dappy, which i was counting on, and told her I handed it in with everyone else. She said she would look for it. the next lesson she said she couldn't find it anywhere, she was very sorry, gave me an A and a ladybird book about shakespeare. I later discovered from my mum (who worked with my teachers dad) that she had had the entire family searching the whole house for most of the weekend.

Ooops.

(Flower has a new job!, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:01, archived)

Biology

I never handed in this piece of biology work, and I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting hassle for it. I realised that the teacher was hassling the guy after me on the register, and I had a mark in her book but he didn't. He did a cracking project, which I got a great mark for, and he had to start again.

(U2031, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:32, archived)

similar thing

with gcse history coursework.
entire class had spent a month writing a project on vietnam while me and a handful of others uh, 'never quite got around to it'. because they were submitted in a sort of staggered way, we claimed that we had given them in already... over a period of about three weeks our teacher became increasingly worried and paranoid that he had lost precious gcse coursework and ended up giving us a couple of extra weeks (off-record) to 're-do' it, so in total we had over a month longer than anyone else.

sorry mr harries...it was one of just many lies we told you :(
sorry

(monofiopia, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:00, archived)

One of my favourite excuses

at sixth form when I was questioned where my work was, was "I haven't done it."

I learnt it off a mate, who gave it after the teacher had questioned every kid in the class, and each had given some lame-ass excuse.

Funny thing is, it worked every time.

(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:16, archived)

That was a

favourite of mine to. Just being brutally honest was always much more amusing.

(Rice, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 16:52, archived)

gingers are great

(

Sunshine Elephant, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:43, archived)

Top you all

This isnt very funny... and for this purpose i posted using a "guest" account (guest_account / password) for anyone else who wants to use it!)

I told my girlfriend that i was infertile when she was pregnant (she'd had a drunked one night i wanted to punish her for)

she had an abortion.

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:46, archived)

He he he he hell for you matey.

On the same note - I've actually had a vasectomy. I never bother telling the gfs that, though. So gf of the time says we must have a serious talk. Sits me down. She's pregnant, she says. Tears in the wee blue eyes.

Oh really, I say. I then played her like a harp for the next while - her professing her unending devotion all the while - before mentioning that she must todger off to whoever her lover was.

(testingtestingtesting, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:53, archived)

reading earlier messages ....

I don't know if I can admit to this ....
- well create another account and post under that then ....

... Is the pseudo-jaffa GF baiter Sick Boy?

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:56, archived)

Brilliant.

Oh, that is sparkling stuff.

Excellent.

(

Pete Donaldson, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:56, archived)

You're not

Martin Clunes by any chance, are you?

(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:18, archived)

Nope.

(testingtestingtesting, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 10:35, archived)

oooh, you evil bastard

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:21, archived)

oh my god...

that is horrible. Truly

well done

(weedom, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 16:52, archived)

I have never lied

(

Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:45, archived)

Epemenides?

(testingtestingtesting, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:56, archived)

This is a lie

(

xian, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:33, archived)

This is an

halibut

(

Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:58, archived)

Gezundheit.

(

Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:12, archived)

Everything I say...

Is a lie. Except this. And this. And this. And this.

And... this.

(joe stoner dot com, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:55, archived)

Like a Kipper

I was very much the victim of this lie.

We were in Junior School, year one.

About to start watching something educational, alongs the lines of "Look and Read" in the AV room. We had arrived early and had to endure the last few minutes of "You and Me" before our programme started.

We were all arsing about during the real show we were supposed to be watching and generally pissing off the teacher.

At the end, the lights came on and the teacher said "You are all so immature, I think you probably enjoyed the babyish show before more than the proper one"

I turned to my mate next to me ("Fatty Cooper" as he was known at the time - bizzare as he wasn't actually fat) and said (fairly unfunny, but hey!)

"I did actually."

The teacher then asked me to repeat what I had just said and I refused.

the teacher then asked the kid next to me what I had said. His response?

"He called you a fatty shit-bag, Miss."

Bastard!

(darth_sane, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:50, archived)

hahahahahahaha

brilliant stuff. i was once staying at a mate's house, and his parents would never see mine (lived in different countries etc). i had some porn, and my mate's mum found it.
"whose is this?" she asked me.
"his" i replied, pointing at him and everything. that was pretty bad.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 12:56, archived)

We went a whole year at school...

...telling the supply teacher we had for RE that Andy Harropp was in hospital in a coma and
that the new boy's name (in reality Mr Harropp sitting there trying not to laugh) was Basil Clithopps.

For three entire terms Andy would hand in work in the fake Basil's workbook, while she would call the register and shake her head in pity when she got to Andy's name.

We would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for the small matter of end-of-year reports, where the whole ruse was rumbled, and Andy got a Headmasterly rocket up the arse.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:02, archived)

that is the best one i have ever heard

and i am sitting here giggling like a reatrd because of it.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:05, archived)

Funny you should say that...

... when we had a suplly teacher, we told her that Andy was retarded, and needed special attention. The whole while she was there, she believed every word, despite his appalling acting.

(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 13:02, archived)

aceness

you should win some sort of award

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:14, archived)

It was bloody hard work

The entire class was in on it, and you had to remember to call him the right name an' all that.

He got suspended for the rest of the term (about three days) and hung around the shops after intercepting the dreaded letter home from school so his folks never found out. He is still known as "Baz" by some people, and we should learn from his example.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:22, archived)

not THE baz, is it?

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:34, archived)

that

is a classic. Much reeespek.

(Phil not DS, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:45, archived)

Are you Harry Grout?

(

pxyzyzygy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:42, archived)

I couldn't possibly comment

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:03, archived)

any time that i ever said

"i have a chance of getting a girlfriend"
BTW what frequency is this radio show and what time is it opn?

(Wonchop Where are your goggles, boy?, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:03, archived)

104.4FM in london

www.resonancefm.com on the interweb

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:22, archived)

I got an A-level

by doing no work. It was a Design/Technology one that was massively coursework based, and it was awful. The teachers were awful, the subject dull as dishwater, and so it didn't really appeal - so I slacked. I did however work hard on my other subjects, so I had a fairly good reputation.

Time came to hand in all our project folders, which naturally I couldn't do, not having a project to actually hand in, but I diverted attention by handing in the work of a couple of my friends for them. A few weeks later and my teacher came over to me and asked if I'd handed my folder in... "Of course," I said, "you saw me." He then muttered a bit and then told me he had lost my folder, and he'd write to the exam board and explain what had happened and that he'd definitely seen it.

I got a D - not great, but as mentioned, I really didn't care for the subject (and this was back in the days when A-levels were in some way hard). All because he had to explain that he'd lost the folder and suggest I get an average mark for the class.

It's not clever but it is potentially big.

(

Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:08, archived)

Oi!!

A-Levels are still hard... at least for an Essex Girl...

(underachiever, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 21:46, archived)

not so much lying, as exposing gullibility but

my mate actually his mum believing that in Third World countries where electricity is a scarce commodity, to prevent road traffic accidents, they pay children a basic subsistence wage to stand at junctions with red, yellow, and green peppers and signal traffic through.

daft or what?

(leanmeanmachine, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:12, archived)

I told my husband

that washing-up bowls, brushes etc. are called 'Addis' because they're made in Addis Ababa, and form Ethiopia's main export.

Another time, he was going into hospital for an op to make him stop snoring. I got a friend to ring him pretending to be a nurse, saying they needed a sample and could he please blow his nose into some cling film and send it in.

(

Safetyfox, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:41, archived)

hehehe, harsh!

welcome to b3ta!

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:49, archived)

why thank you

And here's my final tale of spousal abuse: I was happily reading in bed. He came in all frisky. I said: 'let's play a little game. You go and hide. I'll come and find you.'

I should point out here that we live in a very small house with no garden, shed or garage.

Off he went. Ten minutes later I (still reading of course) heard a muffled voice from the airing cupboard saying, 'I've hidden...'

(

Safetyfox, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:58, archived)

very very good

I like this alot!

(champagne lady, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:27, archived)

Gullibility

I told my wife ages ago that dolphins have legs, so that they can climb onto rocks when they need to sleep, breathing air as they do they would drown sleeping underwater. They could retract these legs into little pouches under their flippers, which is why you never saw it on pictures.

What makes it worse is she is a primary school teacher, and she had to make this big display about sea-mammals like dolphins and whales for the class, and she put up that as one of the "facts".

Amazingly she still thinks its true, noone has challenged her on this fact and the kids have learnt it as truth.

I also told her that kittens can climb glass windows just like lizards, because they have tiny little suckers on their padded feet. When they get older they can't support their own weight though, so that explains why you don't always see it.
hook line and sinker.

Theres loads of these, she just believes pretty much any crazy thing I say. I dread the day she finds out.
Scary that she is passing on this knowledge to the youngsters.

(alfwine buggerbridge, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:39, archived)

That...

...is brilliant.

I will now make it my personal crusade to pass on the kitten window-climbing 'fact' to all and sundry. And everyone else, too.

(

jonnybear Jonnybear, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 16:47, archived)

"Spider-Kittens"

I'm waiting for the photoshopped image with lil' no-hands against a window.

(minister of heresy, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:02, archived)

cows...

on the way to Durdle Door in Dorset, you have to pass thru army land, tank ranges etc. i took my french girlfriend there,and explained that the area was empty because the miltary would occasionally bombard it (true enough). I then told her that the herds of cows on it were there for target practice, as they moved unpredictably and it was good practice for the gunners to try to blow them up.

she went back to La France and told all her friends abou the barbarism of the english.... still my girfreind though, and no, i havent told her.

(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 9:33, archived)

great lie

my friend has just told me when she was a kid she told her mum that it was bad luck to speak when passing a monkey puzzle tree. her mum believed her and passed this gem on to friends thus creating an entire group of people who would remain silent on passing said tree.

(blackgiles01, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 16:26, archived)

i once conviced my mates girlfriend

that M&M's were made in seperate factories, with one making red M&Ms, one making yellow, and so on, and that they all got driven in colour coded lorries (red for red, you get the idea) to the main factorie, where they would be mixed together and put into bags.

and no, she isnt blonde (but she is scottish)

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:25, archived)

in a similar ruse

me and my mate also convinced the afore-mentioned girlfriend of this little corker...

"in pre-WW2 germany, coca-cola was very popular, but once the war broke out, America placed an embargo on germany, prohibiting the trade of all produce, including coca-cola.

With no soft drinks for the people, hitler produced a new drink, called 'Fantastich' (Literally, 'Fantastic'). After the collapse of the Nazi regime, and the american presence in Berlin, the yanks promptly claimed the drink as their own, and re-branded it as Fanta"

4 months later, and she still believes it! Hardest part is that fact that me and my mate have to make sure our stories dont watermelon up.

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:31, archived)

Weird

I saw that story in a documentary about Coca-Cola on the Discovery Channel about six months ago.

(

Jimmeh, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 21:08, archived)

Ah but....

...there were tales of the Soviet Union where one factory would make left shoes, and another would make right shoes. One day, the left shoe factory burned down...

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:33, archived)

nooooo

I want that to be true. It's a lovely idea.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:46, archived)

strangely enough, thats almost the exact words she used when she figured it out*

*actually, we accidentally let slip one night when we were on the piss

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:50, archived)

abc gum

of course "abc" gum is gum thats "Already Been Chewed." once in maybe 4th grade i picked a nice specimen of it off the playyard. it was orange and outside of a few small bits of gravel (well, more like large sand) was relatively clean and glistening.

a guy in my class came up to me and i said to him, "hey you want a piece of gum? its a new brand of gum called ABC Gum: they make it look like its already been chewed!" "Really?", he said, took the thing in his hand, looked at it briefly, then popped it in his mouth and walked away.

(

Pee-Bob, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 5:12, archived)

I convinced my husband

that in order to take your driving test you have to have passed your cycling profiency test.

He got really worried and spent ages at his mums trying to find his certificate. After about an hour of searching I finally gave in and admitted it.

(angeluk666, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:07, archived)

My sister once told me...

That Magenta Divine wore sunglasses because she had a hideous accident once that meant her eyes were all scared up. This was when I was about 14 and she was 11.

I believed her for 4 years.

(wonderstuff, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 3:57, archived)

lied

i was at uni, and my parents opened my bank statement (which went to their house), they were astonished at the amount of money that had gone out, and I told them I had a drinking problem. I also considered using this lie with my tutors but i didn't.

i felt really guilty, because i'd spent it mostly on weed. and now they're always worried when i go out drinking.

i hope they never read b3ta.

oh and "i have no porn", but that's not big, or really a lie, it's just covering.

(scumface, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:31, archived)

'I hope they never read b3ta'

Do your parents know you as scumface then?

(Daveybaby, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:31, archived)

mine do.

(

mikeisbrill, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:02, archived)

its a mad world

where having a drinking problem is better than smoking a lot of herb

(

Pee-Bob, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 5:14, archived)

I claimed I had a mental disorder

to explain me missing near half a year's worth of certain lessons at school

(

randomisgood, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:32, archived)

my mum used to write notes for me

saying i couldnt do PE, due to medical issues

in reality, she told me PE was a "waste of fucking time", and that i should concentrate on better things, which i did....

girls trampolining - double lesson, 9:30, wednesday morning...

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:38, archived)

Girls Trampolining

Always my fave subject... as a spectator of course.

(Fubear, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:25, archived)

mmmmmmmm

Yeah, my girlf does that :D

(minister of heresy, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:01, archived)

I used that one at college...

...to explain my contant swearing whilst on work experience. I never actually said "Tourette's", but I'm sure they just assumed.

(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:45, archived)

i jokingly told one of the guys in the office down the corridor

that i had a rare form of tourette's that cause me to swear uncontrollably when angered and/or annoyed.

i said it in a very joking way, and he chuckled afterwards. the next day, he turned up with loads of leaflets about my 'condition' and offered to help me get some medical assistance to 'cure my ailment'

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:48, archived)

did a runner from..........

a garage in Southampton after filling my petrol tanks. this was during the summer of 95 at a small independent garage. I was a student down there and was fucking skint.
It kind of became a habit to drive over to this garage(which had no cameras), park at the pump which was furthest from the shop, casually fill up and casually drive out. But on this one occasion, with only a few quid in my pocket and when i had almost filled my tanks, I notice the man look in my direction. I stared back and continued to fill up. Once i had filled up, i jumped in my car and drove out as quick as possible trying to keep my car parralel to the attendant for as long as possible, so he would be unable to read the reg. I then drove to bournemouth and took acid on bournemouth beach.
two days later police turn up at my house, asking why i had done a runner from the garage-watermelon! they told me that i must go to Bitterne police station on saturday to explain myself.

Now here is where the lies start! Once at the police station i was interviewed, with everything recorded to tape-which is still at my mums. I then proceeded to tell them that "yes, I had indeed been to that garage on that night, but i certainly had not filled my petrol tanks, let alone commit robbery, i had only stopped to get a drink. i told them I had got into an argument with the attendant about the price of a can of coke. where i was ashamed to admit to the copper that i had got rather upset with his rudeness, called him a packie and told him to go watermelon himself. With the Police being a little racist at times, i thought this could get there sympathy. It certainly did, but not to the extent of them dropping the charges.
I was then summoned to go to Southampton Magistrates court in the autumn, where i was defended by a man who through some stroke of luck was a distant relative. He did not believe my story though. I went to the prelimanry hearing and pleaded not guilty. A week before the case proper my mother(who now knew)found a credit card statement with two payments at the same garage(not the one i robbed) on the day in question for petrol. She excitedly called me and said she had filled my petrol tank on that day. she obviously hadn't, but had done the weekend before and i guess the garage hadn't put the payment through until the week after. this evidence was presented to my lawyer and subsequently to the police and prosecution, whereby all charges were dropped! the garage paid my court costs and lose of income from a market research company i worked for at the time! Fucking result! I did not feel any guilt and still do not. i even went back to the garage to gloat, they barred me for life!
Oh and before the p'c' brigade get all in a fluff, i am most definately not a racist, my girlfriend of the time was bengali and she encouraged my line of defence.

(lamagic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:29, archived)

that is appalling

you don't feel any guilt? you're a fucking idiot.

(Anger...Pain...Fear...Aggression...Watercolours?, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:40, archived)

Guilt

wheres the guilt? Should I be sorry for stealing £20 worth of petrol when i was 20? I feel guilt for lieing to my mother, but Fuk the garage-like i was gonna get a crim record for that. couldn't do it now though. no ones perfect pal and besides I thought this was a confession of our worst lies? no one hurt except a garage's finances-about 600 quid.

(lamagic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:32, archived)

not only did you rip off someone

who will end up covering the cost, you've lied in court - other people end up paying for shit like this! if you couldn't afford petrol, why did you have a car when you were a student?

sorry if this is harsh, but I'm disgusted. I've told some lies but nothing like this.

(Anger...Pain...Fear...Aggression...Watercolours?, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:50, archived)

seconded

(weedom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:58, archived)

Yeah, this isn't a story about lying

It's a story about being a fúcking tea-leaf.

*golf clap*

(

Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:12, archived)

A little bit

of guilt would be more endearing.

I'd be more sympathetic and amused if it was some big global you'd ripped off, but not some independent trader who you not only stole from, but then perverted the course of justice to rip off further.

(weedom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:44, archived)

I'm not the biggest fan of petrol stations

but what a nasty, graceless little beast you are.

(

Dr Phil Kitten, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:31, archived)

lamagic

I'm on your side, maybe it's because I'm a wee bit selfish, but I agree with you, no guilt. Yeah, I would tell you you shouldn't have done it, but you did and got away with it. GO YOU

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:58, archived)

you utter, utter bastard

I have nothing but contempt for you.

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:06, archived)

What a small world ...

... my third biggest lie was telling your mother that she was better in bed than your little sister. You thieving little pleb. Student of what? Thick-fuckology?

(

Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:02, archived)

Superior ranting there...

Much impressed ;)

They should have a thread on "Give me the funniest line of abuse you can"

(Hey Jonny, Park! Fluffeh Pleece, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 8:49, archived)

I don't often

come out to play, but I have to mention that you are a complete twunt.

(39811 basic bytes free, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:22, archived)

that's one in the eye for humanity

you go girl!

(push it na na na na na na na, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:32, archived)

I think...

...that rocks. How can people be *that* pissed about something he did when he was younger? Did it affect any of you in any way? Were any of you said gas station owner? No? Surprise. When I was 14 I stole a girls shoe and wouldn't give it back until she snogged me. Nowadays I think that's called rape. Possibly. Should I be chastised for it? Probably. I'll shut up now.

(PCheese, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 13:53, archived)

I did that too.

Was doing a VERY boring Business and Finance BTEC 'bout 10 years ago. Couldn't really be arsed to do the second year, so basically bunked about 1/3 of the year. Never thought they'd phone to find out where the watermelon I was outside of college hours, and me mam didn't come home from work until 7'ish, so figured I was safe.
Wrong! They phoned her one night, and subsequently got a call whilst at me mates house, fom a rather irate mum. Felt guilty as I had been lying to her for 6 months saying I'd been going to college. She phoned my Dad, who had to come to the college with me to explain why I had not been there. So I lied through my teeth and said I'd had a really bad anxiety thing. Someone had had this when I was at school, and was off for ages. I went to my doctor, who wasn't falling for my shit, and got a letter saying I'd had 3 days off college.
I took the letter "doctored" it so it said 31 days. The college fell for it hook, line and sinker. Fucking idiots. It was SOOOO obvious. Still, the best blag was that a mate in my class gave me all his work to copy, so I could catch up, and they didn't notice that either. Fools. I passed the course too. Ha
That'll learn 'em!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 15:41, archived)

I tell a massive lie once a month, always to the same people...

Every month I walk into the council building and say to the cashier "Hello, I'd like to pay my council tax please."

(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:46, archived)

I get asked "How would you like to pay?"

"With great reluctance" is my usual answer.....

(Mr Joe Bangles, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:35, archived)

How would I like to pay, you ask?

I used to work for a large credit card company in credit control. A big part of the collections technique favoured by this company was one called "Lidbury", which basically boiled down to forcing the customer to specify everything and note it on their account so that when they failed to fufil their promises you could quote back exactly what they had promised the week before (i.e. "So you going to pay the outstanding amount, Mr Jones... and how are you going to pay that?", etc. Yep, THERE'S the link!). Nasty.

This, of course, has left me with a great understanding of the credit industry and a perfect knowledge of how to deliberately irritate any other company in the UK that uses Lidbury (and believe me, there are dozens...).

Apropos of this, let me detail a recent call I had from Vodaphone:

VODAPHONE: "Hello Mr. Orin. We're calling up today to find out why your direct debit was returned this month."
ME: "Due to lack of funds, I would imagine. That is generally the reason that direct debits bounce, isn't it?"
VP: "Why did you not make the funds available?"
ME: "When did you attempt to take the direct debit?"
VP (flustered): "Uh... on the 6th of January, Mr. Orin."
ME: "Interesting. You ask me why funds were not available for a direct debit that was supposed to be taken a fortnight prior to that, according to your recent bill."
VP: "Well, uh, due to Christmas..."
ME: "Irrelevant. You asked why the direct debit bounced, and I have told you."
VP (Changing tack): Right, uh, when will you be paying the outstanding amount...?"
ME: "At some point within the next 30 days."
VP: "Can you specify a date for me, Mr. Orin?"
ME: "Yes I can. But I won't."
VP: "Why is that?"
ME: "Because it clearly irritates you."
VP: "How will you be paying for that, Mr. Orin?"
ME: "With money. Pounds Sterling, I expect."
VP (clearly reading through a script): "Uh... which payment method will you be using to make that payment?"
ME: "Ah! Well, it will definately be using one of the payment methods you accept, ok?"
VP (now irritated): "Mr. Orin, do you realise that failure to pay the outsanding amount can result in the disconnection of your service?"
ME: "Yes. Do YOU realise that disconnecting my service when A) I have agreed to pay in full and B) the payment error that you are using as justification for this action is your fault can result in sucessful litigation in British courts?"
VP: "Ah... uh... thank you for your time, Mr. Orin."
ME: "No no, thank you."

If this sort of approach doesn't work, feel free just to ask them if they are using the Lidbury technique on you. If this doesn't fluster them, showing great interest in whatever collections technique they ARE using generally will. Heh heh heh...

(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:27, archived)

hehe

have you seen that anti-customer-care or telesales counter-script thing that went around a couple of years ago? sounds like your sort of thing...

(

wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 20:32, archived)

I like, I like

Funny. I nearly snorted milk and Jordan's country crisp through my nose. Amazing how the bastards will use any sort of innocuous comment to condem you.

Next time I see a vodaphone shop I'm going to brick it. Thank you for giving me a purpose for today.

(Hey Jonny, Park! Fluffeh Pleece, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 8:46, archived)

Hahahahaha

That I like. I shall definitely be using that in the future.

(Rev. Otana, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 10:38, archived)

This is why

you should be a student. council tax? ha!

(Fantastic Mr Porter is bored, and wishes it was, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 1:38, archived)

for some reason

I really don't want my parents to know that I'm rather broke, since I've spend most of my money on food and cds. So, I'm telling them that my grad school application forms cost more than they actually do...
they're anywhere from $50-80 for the paper apps, but considerably less if you apply online, which I'm doing.
Not terribly wrong, but I feel guilty for it just the same.

(KnitWit, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 13:50, archived)

lie..

my parents caught me having a diddle over monarch of the glenn - I told them it was porn. They still don't know the truth....

(

the nugga says please and thank you, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:02, archived)

You were pissing on your video recorder?

;)

(

Danblez, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:26, archived)

um..

yes.

wait--no.

...

its hard to tell the difference sometimes when you wank so darn much.

(

the nugga says please and thank you, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 21:07, archived)

Monarch of the Glen???

You sicken me. :)

(PCheese, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 13:59, archived)

A few of them

* My biology A-level involved a project which I was meant to work on over the summer. Needless to say I didn't and ended up making the whole thing up in one day, complete with fake statistics. I got a B.
* At college I ended up going back for some weeks in the summer to retake my exams. The accomodation was being used by a load of 16-17 year old music students on some kind of summer music camp. We use to sit round with them and regale them with our tales of maturity (we had at least 2 years of life experience more than them :-).
One of the girls started rattling on about how her mum was a medium and could speak to the dead, and brought out a Ouija board. I thought this was a wonderful opportunity...to cut things short, I pretended to be possessed by the spirit of Aleister Crowley, complete with shaking, foaming at the mouth etc. The result was around 20 very freaked out people..including, sadly, one of my college friends who only sussed two years later when I was telling the story in the pub.

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:05, archived)

I made up an entire book

to help me prove a point in an English exam. I got a B, so I'm guessing that the marker either:

a)didn't notice
b)or had read the same imaginary books as me

(

coco, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:29, archived)

ha ha ha!

...

(weedom, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:44, archived)

In My English SATS

at the age of 14 we had to write a story. Can'/t remember exactly what it had to be about, but i'd just finished reading a book of short stories by Stephen King. One of the stories that had stuck in my memory was called The Mist and was about a bunch of people in Maine being stuck in a supermarket when a strange mist rolls in and if it touches them they die (you may have seen the two part film of it). Well I basically re-wrote it, without changing the general content, made it shorter and called it 'The Fog'. I got 100%.

(wonderstuff, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 4:18, archived)

Right.

I once convinced several people that the Chinese have no vomit reflex. Later, one of them had a stinking chesty cold... I told her that a mouthful of fresh jalapeno peppers was an old folk remedy. She couldn't talk for the rest of the day.
I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of.

(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:05, archived)

Evil and unrepentant ...

I left my wife a while back, blaming the whole downspiral of the relationship on her and her family ... bunch of cranberry!(This is 99% true tho) I thought this was great as I was actually shagging someone else at the time. I'm divorced now, got rid of the thing I was shagging and i'm young free and single again. Woo, Yay and Houpla!

No remorse no regrets :)

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:17, archived)

Another One From School

Whilst we were finishing off our GCSE's many moons ago, one of our mates was a lanky gangly looking thing and kept on getting a sore neck so the doctors thought he had some rare gangly person disease. So every 6 months or so he would have to go into the hospital for a day for blood tests etc...
Anyway i can't remeber the name now but then again after an hour or so i couldn't then and I was sick of people asking me why wasnt he at school.
So in a fit of brilliance I came up with this story he had read about some bloke pleasuring himself with a hoover and he copied it and got stuck and his mam had to rush him into hospital, keep it quiet though"

The first person i told turned to another close mate and asked him if he was really in hospital so he said oh yer his mam took him this morning thinking nothing of it and got back on with his work. I told him later on so he would keep doing it. But now with a big grin on his face

This is where it all started next day when he came back the whole year of about 600 kids were calling him hoover boy and asking him where his hoover was ? Did he have a name for it ? He used to get it till he left school after sixth form. I was still good friends with him and don't think he ever found out it was me. Until now

Toddy if your reading this i'm sorry it was me who started it.

(Dan_from_the_toon, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:16, archived)

If I told you,

I'd have to kill you.

(vork and burlap, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:32, archived)

go ahead...

with the telling and killing
(you can't kill all board members, maybe just a few)

(bwana dik, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 9:39, archived)

Poor girl...

There was a beautiful but extremely stupid girl at college called Lynne who was seeing a friend of ours. One day he ran into our group and said hurriedly 'Look... when you see Lynne can you ask her how my sister's piano lessons are going?' We said 'Err of course? Can't you?' to which he mumbled something about being late.

Someone told Lynne to ask him.

Later that day, we were all sitting around in some common room and Matt (the boyfriend) came in and sat down next to Lynne. Lynne said 'Ooooh! How are your sister's piano lessons going?' to which he replied (at the top of his voice) 'YOU BITCH!!!! MY SISTER HAS NO HANDS!'

He was lying... She spent the rest of the day in tears. I never did understand why he did it (maybe to make up with her), but it was really very funny indeed.

(

Micro Prawnvica, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:34, archived)

end of year prank

when we left school it was decided that we didnt like this one guy in our year as he had been a cranberry for manny years. the plan was hatched we would teach him a lesson by taping his arms and legs together putting him in the back of a landrover and dumping him in the countryside a few miles out of town for a laugh
i did not come up with this plan but i went around telling everyone and publisising it.
the time came to when he was being tied up and some how the cranberry got free and went straight to the head of sixth form. we were buggered and p[romtly all of our year was called for seperate interviews to do with this "assault" unsurptisingly my name came up as one of the ringleaders as people knew that i have known about it all along
the time came when the main culprits were called o a meeting and interviewed again
i denyed all responsibility and did anything to get the heat off of me. which i think promtly resulted in a few of myfriends being suspended and haveing to go see the police (if i remeber correctly)
while i dont feel guilty about this as they werent really that great friends i do think maybee it was a little harsh

(BigBobbyh, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:36, archived)

there was

a guy at my uni who was a friend of a friend who told his parents his course was four years long so that they would pay for him to live it up after he finished uni for a year

(BigBobbyh, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:40, archived)

Woah!

The planning that must have gone into that!

(

Herr Tezcat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:17, archived)

Orgasm

More of a pant and groan of a lie really. Faking an orgasm is still lying right?

(minikins, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:42, archived)

confess

grouphug.us/

(lord Roystarn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:47, archived)

Have also said

That was the best ever and it was crap, just so my ex felt good - that is quite a bless thing to do really. I do have so much to confess - you got time?

(minikins, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:49, archived)

HUR HUR HUR

I hope no one posts silly "Confessions"

(

Greenbat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:50, archived)

Well my lie...

... was hard to get off my chest - phnar phnar ;-)

(minikins, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:52, archived)

AGS

As in Adams' Grammar School?

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:14, archived)

Adams'

I went there. Freaky.

/relurks

(spiky_simon, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 6:32, archived)

86-93

86-93

back when it was ALL fields

and Bengo was the man .....

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 14:34, archived)

AGS

Aylesbury Grammar School?

(

Geej, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:08, archived)

Organisms

Women fake orgasms
Men fake whole relationships

(

Fronkle99, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:18, archived)

The biggest lie I ever told...

...was coincidentally the shortest as well:

"I do."

Sorry, hon.

(

davelog, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:51, archived)

You are not my husband are you..

with a secret user ID?

(minikins, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 14:53, archived)

awwww

that's really sad.

that actually made me "awww" out loud

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 19:59, archived)

More on Stuart Hughes

I went to uni with a Stuart Hughes (possibly not the same one). He'd lived on some carribean tax-haven for most of his life, then arrived at university , fresh-faced and extremely gullible, with only a handful of misanthropic flatmates bent on giving him an entirely misguided education.

The worst lie we told him? Possibly that England had been at war with Kenya since the late 70's over their numerous Marmite mines.

(dickybt, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

maybe we should have asked the question "Do you know Stuart Hughes?"

Wasn't he a cranberry?

Yours is a good story tho.

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:50, archived)

Lighter flints

I was once helping an officer of the law with his enquiries and there in front of me was a small plastic coin bag with some microdots. He asked me what they were and I said lighter flints and wasn't I surprised when he gave them back to me!

(moodydealer, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:13, archived)

lighter flints

how many were in the bag? you must of been close to soiling yourself! quick thinkin' bro!

(lamagic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:23, archived)

four

but u should have seen his face when I ate them in front of him

(moodydealer, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:25, archived)

tasty

Do they still make microdots? I haven't heard of them in years. the purple and black ones were great!

(lamagic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:29, archived)

what

are microdots
/ignorant

(robthewolf, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:34, archived)

class A controlled substance

that to a certain copper in handsworth look just like lighter flints

(moodydealer, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:40, archived)

Acid

basically

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 16:52, archived)

It was in 1992

was a very good night

(moodydealer, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:34, archived)

have you seen this

grouphug.us

(robthewolf, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

There is some funny shit on there arlight

But also a lot of very disturbing stuff!

(

Danblez, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:41, archived)

i spent an entire

day reading it when i should have been doing my research. i was sat there in my office making 3 different noises. Either 'eugh' for the gross ones, laughing for the funny ones, and occasionally a sigh for the really sad cases. My colleague must have wondered what i was up to.

(robthewolf, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:54, archived)

grouphug is Fuct up

did you read the one about the bloke who put a rubber band around his little bro's dick when they were kiddies. dick got chopped off.

(lamagic, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:09, archived)

word to the wise ...

I think that many many ppl are posting a vast number of very fake confessions. So ...

Salt, one pinch, add to grouphug.us, stir.

(meejahor, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:03, archived)

grouphug.us

Christ! I was reading all that stuff and thought it was all the same person. That was a rush!

(barba rei, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:15, archived)

I have a pretty bad phobea of sand

This ISN'T a lie. I can't go near it, I REALLY hate it and although I admit, it is an odd hate, as you can imagine the amount of times I have to 'convince' people that I'm not lieing with repeated statements of 'honestly' and 'I'm serious' starts to get a bit annoying in itself.

So I decided to to convince people in one falswoop by simpley saying "My brother died in sand" That shuts people up well quick! However, I don't have the kind of conviction to hold that kind of pointless lie down for too long, so a few seconds later I say "I'm just kidding, he didn't really!". The reaction is one of disgust and disbelief (especially amongst people I've only recently met) but the outcome is still just as desirable, it certainly get's us of the subject of my wierd pet hate of sand.

(

Nath, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:34, archived)

A friend of mine got hold of several press passes

to the Max Power Live Show at the NEC last year to which we went along for a laugh.

Unfortunately my girlfriend found out that I had gone to the Spearmint Rhino floorshow and I had to lie and say that I didn't really enjoy it. I then had to lie further and say that I felt a bit dirty afterwards and then had to act shamed for a few days. Hah! It was fantastic.

(monkeyjam, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:09, archived)

I don't hate Sand...

But I do hate tape. And the same thing - I had to convince people that I wasn't lying or being a shit, so I told them that when I was little, my brother duct-taped my arms and legs to themselves and beat me with sticks.

Haahaa.

(

Eleroach13, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 4:57, archived)

I tell this lie a lot

When I just meet a guy and have to explain to him why I live with my dad, I always say that it's because he is very sick and dying. While he is very sick, he can live alone, and my presence isn't required. That always sounds better than the truth, which is I'm poor and don't make enough money to have my own place, so I moved back in with dad.

If they fall for that, which they always do, they may ask to come to my house. THEN I tell them, they can't come over because my dad has a phobia of meeting new people.

(

Bitchy Teresa is bitchy, duh., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 15:56, archived)

is it

really that bad that you live with your father. I am 26 still at uni and live with my mum. Let me tell you it goes down really well with the ladies. I want to cook for a prospective new girlfriend. There was no way to do this with out technically introducing her to my mother on the first date. Non stop granddchildren references. We did get it on for a while. so i guess it is not that bad afterall.
and no i dont get shopping washing cleaning or cooking done for me.

(robthewolf, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:01, archived)

"We did get it on for a while. so i guess it is not that bad afterall."

With your own MUM?!

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 2:01, archived)

During halloween one year...

...when I was 14, me and my mates went to this private estate where loads of rich zeppelin lived in surrey.

We were going around throwing eggs, flour etc at peoples houses - the usual malarkey - and there was this big watermelon off house where we knew this kid - right spoilt little prick - so we decided to offload our entire stock of eggs and flour at this house - until this big black fella (security guard) came flying out of the gates in his land rover, lights on, beeping like epileptic on speed.

We managed to get away by jumping into another persons garden and trekking through it into the next main road - only to be greeted by this group of younger American kids, we wanted to get them - but we had no ammo - so we just shouted abuse instead – the little squirts ran off crying.

We walked 20 meters down the road, when, completely by surprise this car came spinning around the corner, we thought “shit it’s that nutter again – RUN!” but it was too late, before we knew it this car pulled up right in front of us – but it wasn’t the nutter – it was the estate security guard, I was gutted – I thought he was on to us, then:

Guard: “OI – what are you doing here?”
Me: “We are playing trick or treat”
Guard: “ok, be aware there are some thugs about the estate – so be careful”
Me: “yeh – we just got ambushed by these kids, they just left us minutes ago running up there!”

He then got in his car sharpish, speeding off down the road.

All in all, it was a great night – the best bit was picking up the local paper the following week reading about these American kids (10-12 years old) being held in the security guards hut, terrified and scared – “victims of abuse from local vandals” – it also went on to mention the level of damage this kids house got from these eggs and flour – “frozen on windows” and “across car windows”.

(

JamboM, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:06, archived)

I just don't get

that whole trick or treat thing. Why is it OK to do so much damage to someone's house and car? I own my own house, and the little fuckfaces egged it way high up one year. As far as I know (we sold the place) it's still there years later.

It's just vandalism.

And no, I'm not just being old and miserable. It pisses me off.

(weedom, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:14, archived)

bov

:-D

(

JamboM, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 21:35, archived)

me neither

some little git thought he'd egg my motorbike one year. i spotted him starting on it and threw a full cutlery-holder-thing out of the kitchen window at him (i was washing up at the time - it was the nearest thing to hand). it hit him and missed my bike. i wasn't sorry.

(jamtart, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:51, archived)

haggis

hi i'm not a regular just passing by and saw this, hope you don't mind me using this account.
a friend and i are both scottish living in england, she lowland me highland which we used to our advantage when explaining to a friend from africa what a haggis really is. it's quite a popular lie but we thought we'd give it a go. the haggis is now a sort of thick burger shaped creature, obviously highly prized by fast food restaurants. they have three legs, one longer than the other two so they can go round mountains without falling over. you get right handed ones (usually female) and left handed ones (male), so that when they're going round mountains opposite ways they meet and mating is easier. the problem with the legs is that if they fall over for some reason, they roll down the mountain (being roughly circular) and can't get up when they reach the bottom. specially trained haggis-hunters then come round collecting them (in the night because they're rare now and protected). there are albino ones (most are brown), in fact i looked after an injured albino (in my tumbledown crofting cottage etc etc) who had survived a police poaching raid near my house. my scottish friend is a biology student who i met when she came to study the haggis near my home, and she can verify all my stories through her studies.
there's more that i can't remember, and it's all completely true. oh yes.

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:10, archived)

I heard

that story told by a zoologist post-doc in cambridge, she was scottish and very convincing to the unwise

(lord Roystarn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:17, archived)

The really specially

trained haggis-hunters simply walk round the mountain, thus scaring the oncoming haggis into turning round, at which point it rolls down the hill to its ultimate demise.

(

UncleLewy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:23, archived)

More than you ever need to know about haggis

here: www.haggishunt.com/haggisclopedia.cfm

(

calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:57, archived)

haggis

Ha Ha, I did the same with Wombles as I was wandering through Wimbledon with an American Friend of mine. This resulted in her asking everyone at the dinner table whether Wombles existed or not, which everyone agreed they did. It only became apparent 2 years later when I bought a stuffed womble that they didn't !

(spanner, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 1:58, archived)

We had a japanese guy in my hall of residence

Great guy, bit naive. We took him to London for the first time, when we took him on the tube we told him that the Gap was an animal that lived down there and was known for attacking people. We even got him a "mind the gap" t-shirt

(mr pete, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:13, archived)

Not just me!!

My mother (who also posts under this name) told me that a haggis was a creature much like a large hedgehog/porcupine which must be captured carefully in nets and kept in the bath so they do not curl up and roll away. i only worked out it wasn't true a few years ago...

similarly, my grandad convinced a junior at his work that mohair came from animals called Mo's. he told him that there were pink ones and blue ones and yellow ones, and that people were trained especially to catch them and shear them. he believed him. Muppet.

(underachiever, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 22:09, archived)

Marmalade

Work colleague asked on work intranet site chat page where Marmalade came from and why it's not called Jam. This was my reply.

Marmalade (pronounced Mar-mi-lard) was invented by a young Prussian man called Krochov Lade in the late eighteenth century. He fell upon this fruity concoction whilst trying to design the latest designer drink (for the time) which later became Orange squash. In his quest for a refreshing drink he tried many ways of extracting the orange's juices, many of which were failures. Apart from when he started to experiment with explosives in his extracting juice experiments. The method in question was his crate of oranges and stick of dynamite experiment. This was set up in his lab and to put it simply resulted in a mess . But from this Marmalade was born as on his desk in the lab was a half eaten snack of the cooked bread variety. Which had as a result of this experiment been coated in mashed up oranges. He tasted this snack and liked it so much Marmalade was born. The name is derived from two words 'Marma' Prussian for 'With bits' and 'Lade' being Mr. Krochov surname.

So in answer to your question it's Prussian in origin and it's not called 'Jam' as jam was invented at a later date mid nineteenth century.

Didn't hear anything back from them, surprising that.

(

BindiBaji, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:59, archived)

David Copperfield

can't juggle...

(

bloid ....dloibbloiddloibbloid...., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:13, archived)

In history in year 9, I knew I had to hand my book in that lesson- but I didn't have it, and you probably haven't had my year 9 history teacher. Anyway, as she asked me for it, a lie appeared in my head. I'd spilt a drink on it and it was drying in my locker.
It backfired on me when she asked me to get it from my locker. I pretended I couldn't find it, then had to empty my locker, bring everything upstairs into the classroom, and search for it in front of her.
She put me on history report. Although, in retrospect, I think it was a good thing because it finally taught me to do my fucking homework.
She put me on history report, but in retrospect

(HanaBizzle, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:16, archived)

I took a shit in my old school hall. Since I was the last person seen in there, I got asked about who had done it. I blamed the kid who had down syndrome...

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:17, archived)

Some of the local mongs worked in Asda every now and then when i was saturday jobbing there

I stole a load of cream cakes, and rubbed some cream on one of their faces to move the blame onto him.
He ended up sweeping the yard. In the rain. and snow.

That will teach him to rub bogies on the bread.

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:51, archived)

you evil evil boy

snigger

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:19, archived)

I know it's wrong, but

for some reason I just can't stop laughing!!

(Rice, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:59, archived)

thats

the best yet.

(

uberphil, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:47, archived)

Well who around here's got an

Xtra Chromosone!

(monsta, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 16:40, archived)

That

would be stink bomb, wouldn't it?

(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 10:18, archived)

Went to college with a bloke

Who never did any homework, and every time he was asked for it, without fail, would offer the excuse that his grandmother had died.

Bizarrely, the lecturers apparently never thought to question this, seemingly quite happy to accept that he had several hundred grandmothers and they were dropping like flies. Just didn't give a toss, I suppose.

Oh, and his excuse when he was late in in the morning was that someone had got into his car (again), and stolen his fags and newspaper. Probably true. His car had no driver's door. Though why this would make him late is anyone's guess. As is the reason for him leaving things in the car all the time. Spod.

(Daddy Orchips, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:30, archived)

Ummm...

...when I was 14 I told my mum I'd hurt my knee falling off my bike.

But I'd actually run a 4 year old kid over who came out of nowhere on a scooter.

But I fixed his scooter and took him home to his mum.

(

beefandcheese, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:32, archived)

does it count as lying if they're reaaaaalllly gullible?

I used to live in Gloucestershire, but went to school in Monmouth just across the border in Wales. I convinced one of my uni mates that I had to use my passport everyday to get to school and back ...

(Mogging Flolly, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

ha ha h ah

you a boys skooler or a girls skooler or the comp
who are you out of interest

(BigBobbyh, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:48, archived)

school, ugh

i went to the comp. hahaha, all the girls at the girls school wore court shoes. hours of entertainment!

(Mogging Flolly, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:33, archived)

lol

how true how true

(BigBobbyh, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:38, archived)

you're not --

big farmer rob, are you? with the big farmer socks?

(Mogging Flolly, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:29, archived)

Once told a mates' girlfriend

the reason those post-curry hot towels cool down so fast is because they're made of the same material the space shuttle heat-shield is made from.

Of course, she told everyone she knew despite the ridicule...

p.s. 1st post 'n that.

(Tenko, The Ice Spectacular, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:53, archived)

LeagueofGentlemenness.

Woo! I like that ^^

(Ocarina and the horse comes., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 23:45, archived)

Similar Too This

I was riding my brand new mountain bike whilst waving goodbye to a fit girl i fancied who was going into her house i rode into the back of a parked car, my front wheel buckled and i bruised my balls on the handle bars, i told my parents id been trying to wheely and came down on the kerb cause i didnt want to admit the shame of hitting a parked car.

:)

(eXile, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 20:51, archived)

About 3? years ago

A load of my friends were having a party while one of our folks were away. Drinks were drunk etc. All was merry.

Towards the end of the night, One of my friends started making cocktails with whatever alcohol he could find in the kitchen which another of my friends really loved. It seemed every batch would be mainly consumed by this guy, and in the end, they were pretty much being made just for him.

By the wee small hours, this friend was pretty steaming. To the extent that he was rocking out in the lounge to soft rock classics while everyone else was still fairly relaxed.

Soon afterwards, he disappeared to speak on the large porcelain telephone and that was the end to his evening of fun.

Fast forward a few months, and we were reminiscing about said party. (do you remember when... etc.) when someone asked 'do you remember when xxx got his knob out in the lounge?'. As quick thinking as we were, the other few of us who were about, played along convincing xxx that he had indeed disrobed in the lounge that night. Adding 'I can't believe you don't remember... ' etc.

Pretty much all of our friends play along with this joke still, so when recounting 'hilarious' escapades which have transpired, this story always comes up - often with a little more embellishment.

xxx still doesn't know he remained fully clothed throughout, and always goes a lovely shade of red whenever he hears.

(

bertram, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:44, archived)

hahahaha

that made me larf!

arf!

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:22, archived)

I told someone my dog died.

Just so I could get a free ice cream.

(Nudger - Back on b3ta having been away since '04!, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 16:56, archived)

how did that work?!

loon

(pinky shminky, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:07, archived)

Oh, where to begin?

*"Of course I love you for who you are. Your thousands of expendable dollars have nothing to do with it."
*"Mom, I'm only a waitress at that bar. I would never strip for money."
*"Of course there are no drugs in my car, officer. Those plastic biohazard containment bags? Dildos. Just dildos."
*I once gave a typesetter an ounce of schwag to publish my obituary in the local paper to get a bill collector to stop calling.
*On a few occasions, I lied to customers at the strip joint and said I'd blow them in my car for twenty bucks, then had my current mantoy mug them. Does that count?

(mitzibel, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:01, archived)

Lack of lying

makes me laugh even more - eg.
me: "Have you been looking at porn all day while I was at uni?"
boyfiend: "Yes".

(pinky shminky, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:02, archived)

You know he really was lying

He was actually out doing someone elses washing up... or the ironing...

Just not man enough to admit it! ;¬)

(ch1ma3ra, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 8:15, archived)

when I visited

Fes in morrocco I told a backpacker that tommy cooper did a tour of morrocco in the seventies, and they liked him so much they named a town after his hat .

(chopin, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:04, archived)

it's not a lie and it's not funny... i just need to get it off my chest...

simply enough... my ex girlfriend who i still fancy told me a secret and i acidentally let it slip to someone who i really trust but instead told the entire school and now she hates me and thinks i'm a dick.

great great great...

hoorah..

/sigh

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:14, archived)

What was

the secret? Go on, i wont tell...

(Daveybaby, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:33, archived)

oh.. just two of her friends fingered themselves over my unattractive friend

it's not that bigger lie... just that i broke the promise...

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:56, archived)

Every time i

get too much money back when i have bought something i always return the money. And thats the truth....Oh and i always look both ways before crossing the road.

(Quatermass, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:25, archived)

lies

im currently in the middle of a lie involving university.

so that i can quit my deathlydull course, i've told my tutor that my father is laying critically ill after having a stroke (an excuse used before to extend deadlines). i've lied so that i can go get a job, and still claim my student loans and tax back. woof.

(speedymarks, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:30, archived)

Lying to take the blame for something I DIDN'T actually do...

I was a bit of a girly swot at school, and we used to have a right old cranberry of a woodwork teacher. One day, a couple of lads dropped various wood shavings, varnish, a small tack etc into his mug of tea.

Said teacher then proceeded to take a huge swig out of it, before realising all was not well... cue mass interrogation, the guy was absolutely fucking LIVID as you can imagine. After a minute or two of silence while we all stood around looking at each other, the culprits, the evidence, and then our shoes, I piped up, saying I had done it by accident and I was really sorry.

The teacher's mood lifted when I did this, and he said something along the lines of 'no harm done' etc. Rest of class duly had a whip round for me afterwards and I felt right chuffed with meself.

One of the culprits (and leading class retard) stabbed my hand with a chisel a couple of weeks later and I nearly lost my left thumb...

(suckonthisitsblocked, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

is saying thank you so hard?

without chisels? some people eh?

(

rob, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:34, archived)

nice clean cut though

so no scarring. He really cared about me after all...

(suckonthisitsblocked, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:35, archived)

Kids are gullible

I told my stepson,aged about 9 that I played Charlie in the film Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory.He proceeded to tell his mates at school who all thought that it was amazing,despite the film having been made before I was born.Now he won't believe a word I say

(archroy Get down wi' yer bad self., Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

the back door

While at law school we started a rumor that a friend of ours thought he could remain a virgin by only having sex through the "back door," because it wasn't real sex. He had a lot of trouble getting dates after that... except for this one girl.

(

kingoffools, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:33, archived)

do you

have her number? ; )

(Rice, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:17, archived)

When I was a regular on the football365 forum...

...in the days before it was crap, one of the chaps told a story of how his father took him to New York for the day. He went to school and told all his mates how his old man had taken him on a big boat to see the Big Apple.

It transpired that our hero lived on the Wirral and his dad had taken him on the Mersey Ferry to go shopping in Liverpool. Hilarity, indeed, ensued.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:41, archived)

I lied to the police about the whereabouts of a mate accused of ABH

He rang one night, all in a panic, to ask if I could come up with an alibi for him. So I asked him for his switch card number then placed a pizza order for 2 using it and made a lot more noise than I usually made so my neighbour would hear and shouted a few things in a voice that sounded like his. Believe it or not but that got him was enough for the cps to drop the case! he'd actually broke the arm of his sisters ex-boyfriend with a metal bar for messing her around. I didn't have to buy my own beer for about a year.

(Chopper3, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:46, archived)

and...

...you got free pizza

(

beefandcheese, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 21:36, archived)

My housemates all used to work for Domino's

I (with a friend) would call up and make a fake order. Then hey presto, we would get the "left over" pizza when they got back from work.
Only did it fifty or sixty times though. Had to get new people to do it all the time. The manager was new and apparently not suspicious of all the orders not being picked up.

(

Zuowan, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:06, archived)

accused...

or guilty?

(haberman is singing in the changes, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:10, archived)

Two Big Ones

I once convinced my entire GCSE IT class that Roy Walker (he of CatchPhrase fame) used to be a member of the IRA and had spent 7 years in prison for kneecapping someone.

I also regularly tell ugly, boring, or just plain irritating people in the pub that my name is Sebastian. I just don't want a bunch of doss cranberry to know anything about me, however insignificant.

(Endjinn, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:48, archived)

Being somewhat attractive -

I am often approached & duly chatted up when out & about.

Now when I'm feeling tired or the chatter upper is hunch backed, wearing boating loafers, a thin leather tie or has no comprehension of life-size matchstick sculptures, my name instantly becomes Deirdre. Its wonderful how a name can really work wonders, they immediately run run run away....as fast as they can

(champagne lady, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:34, archived)

names

you don't happen to be one of those clanbob fellows, do you?

or is the name just coincidence?

(Trenai, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 22:58, archived)

I was drunk and met a guy who used to be a few years above me at primary school

He's into archaeology, and has met Tony Robinson. I convinced him for no particular reason that Anne Robinson was Tony's mum, and Sugar Ray Robinson was his dad. He then thanked me for this info, and said he was gonna mention it to Tony next time he saw him.

(

Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 17:48, archived)

I met Tony Robinson earlier this year.

He's such a nice guy he probably would have gone along with it. I work in a large bookshop in Manchester, and he came in for a signing. One of my workmates had a huge and obvious crush on him, and as he left he looked her out and gave her a hug. Upshot is, he'd probably say 'Yeah, they're both fine'.

(Bizarrity, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:55, archived)

I once stood next to him

in the cafe queue in the Bristol IKEA. I don't think either of us found it particularly exciting.

(

splorp ®, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:52, archived)

My old housemate at uni (let's call him Tom) got done for drink driving after he parked his car through someone's garden wall one evening. He then had to go to court but the date was during the summer holidays so when he was back at home he told his dad that he had to meet some friends to sort out an assignment. He'd already told him that he'd sold the car and asked if he would he give him a lift up to uni. Dad duly obliged and dropped Tom off. Tom then changed into his suit and legged it round to the court, got his fine and ban, wasted a couple of hours and then returned to dad for his lift home.

Mum and Dad never found out.

(mister nice guy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:03, archived)

Oooh. Just remembered another one.

I once had a sort of blind date - friend of mine had a new girlfriend, and we met for a drink and his new GF bought a friend along.

I told the other girl all sorts of lies about who I was, to my friends' silent but huge amusement, including the fact that I was the drummer from Simple Minds (Mel Gaynor is black, which I'm not).

Well, it turned out to be a successful strategy at the time, without putting too fine a point on it.

She did find out shortly afterwards, and was a bit pissed off with me . . .

(

Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:10, archived)

two lies from early childhood

1) when I was in the first year of primary school, a boy in our class spurned my friend's romantic advances. As an act of revenge on my friend's behalf, I stuck a pencil in my own eye and, weeping buckets, told the teacher that he had done it. Although he was a quiet, shy, harmless kind of boy, I got him in the most colossal amount of trouble and he had a reputation for aggression from that day forward, until a couple of years later their family moved out of the area (I like to take the credit for this).

2) the next year, when I was 5, I had a student teacher who I thought was lovely very much. So in order to win her approval, I told her that my (entirely fully-sighted) mum was blind and that I had to read things to her and that was why I was so good at reading. I doubt that she was fooled, but she was far too polite to call me a liar.

(peachy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:19, archived)

a friend of mine dropped

out of university in the first year, and didnt tell the student loan people or his parents this. for three years he lived off this fraudulent loan and several thousand pounds his proud mum and dad gave him as a lump sum for the future. when they found out about uni, they wanted evidence that the money was still in his account so he forged a letter from the bank by cutting up and colour photocopying a bank statement. then his mum found the cut up statement in a cupboard.

(benito vaselini no not that one, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:31, archived)

Hate to be anal, but...

The system is fairly watertight, bordering on insurmountable, when it comes to people dropping out of university and still trying to claim their student loans.
Put it this way - it took me, a legitimate student with no unusual circumstances, five months to secure my loan this year. I doubt that the same company would 'accidentally' keep giving this guy money.
(nudge nudge) Oh alright then time to confess to my own whoppers. Whilst putting my CV together this year, I noticed that my work experience was less than impressive (filing, data entry etc) so I contacted a friendly ex-manager and talked her into entering an elaborate lie where she would vouch I was doing such things as customer care and selling, etc.
Having said that most people would admit their CVs are masterpieces of fibology.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:49, archived)

frankly mate you must have

a shit credit rating or something, by my final year they were throwing hardship grants and all sorts at me with no real background checks. i have friends with 3 student bank accounts, all with maxed-out overdrafts. the student loan company is a government agency and as such dosen't really give a watermelon.

(benito vaselini no not that one, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 9:01, archived)

*dig dig dig*

few more posts and you'll be in Australia, mate.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 0:47, archived)

you insult my honour sir,

theyre probably a bit harder on people who go to shitty ex-polytecnics.

(benito vaselini no not that one, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 8:22, archived)

har har

its true thow, polytecs are rather cranberry.

(

uberphil, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 13:04, archived)

How did he manage to get his student loan

since the first instalment of each year is by cheque which has to be collected from the university, with a letter proving your LEA entitlement?

Artistic license?

(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 13:55, archived)

Beat this

The biggest lie I ever told was when my mate Anthony asked me if I had ever had sex with a blood relative. My answer was a firm "no."

He's a policeman now and if he finds out, he may be the one who nicks me.

(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:32, archived)

WHAT??

You can't just leave it at that! We need to know it ALL!

(peachy, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 19:56, archived)

Ha ha ha ha!!

What a cliffhanger! Come on ... tell!

(weedom, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:11, archived)

Ow ffs

You made me post.

TEH HOLE STORY PLZ!

(MakeMyDay, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:46, archived)

Is that

punnage? The "hole" story?

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:32, archived)

Fire

Aaaages ago when we were about 12, in the fiddling stage, we managed to burn down a field. Finding a box of matches, we just started lighting them and throwing them at each other, as any young kid would do (yeah right). When some of them landed on the floor and started to light part of the dried grass stuff that was on the floor, we panicked and ran off. The lie isnt as good though, as we told our parents that we saw some men lighting a fire

(

moogman, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:39, archived)

This one is rather recent and rather bad

Might be a bit long winded but anyway:
After the crap I went through last year - the arrest, granny dying, all that crap (you regulars know) I spent a lot of time getting drunk.
Well one night my best friend,her husband and I went to a party. Everyone was doped up on E, coke and pot ('cept me, I don't even smoke week) and I was drunk off my ass. I let her husband "finger watermelon" me - he started it, I didn't tell him to stop.
Afterwards...neither of us spoke about it and I really just forgot about it. Until May. My friends husband told her what had happeend that night and naturally I denied it all.
My friend and I were no longer friends and it was tough. I denied it to boyf, other friends, family etc and then after about 3 weeks it all came flooding back to me.
It took me 2 months to pluck up the courage to admit I'd done it and had spent 2 months lying about it.
Ah, the shame. I then had to tell friend, boyf, mum, other friends.....I was mortified.
Now we all laugh about it and my best friend and I are friends again but it was still rather horrid.

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:50, archived)

eh what ?

what is a "finger watermelon" and how does if differ from a normal finger ? does he get his finger and paint it with green and yellow stripes first ??

(Dan_from_the_toon, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:13, archived)

Its

the swearing filter. Watermelon = F.U.C.K, thus finger F.U.C.K.

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:47, archived)

This swear filter

is lame. We are all old enough to use these bad words now.

(Rice, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:02, archived)

Come on... this thread's turning into a confessions page!

My biggest lie was in court:

I had borrowed my mums 1.1 Citroen AX (small car made of tin - for anyone who doesn't know) and was racing a bloke in a 2.0ltr Cavalier the Cav was in front with me close on its tail (mainly cause I knew the road and was a bit of a loony driver back then) anyway this guy goes round a corner too fast and hits a Saab along the side that was coming the other way, I plough straight into the back of the cavalier and end up in hospital.
the court hearing went along the lines of:

His lawyer: why were you racing the cavalier?

Me: how could I be racing a 2.0ltr car? (LIE)

His lawyer: Why were you so close that you couldn't stop?

Me: I wasn't too close. (LIE)

His lawyer: Why did you hit the back of his car then?

Me: because when he hit the Saab the Saab driver lost control of his car and started heading towards me, so I swerved out of the way and in the process lost control of my car and started skidding sideways towards the back of the Cav only just straightening it up before the impact. (LIE)

The Cavalier driver got 8 points and I got £3000 for my injuries and a new car for my mum!!

Good Point I'll put it on this guest account

(guest_account, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 18:59, archived)

ooh

i edited the guest account profile!

yay!

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:16, archived)

somebody

needs to get that guest account a few FPs.
It wont be me though, i'm crap.

(Daveybaby, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:45, archived)

Yeah, well I went one better.

I changed the guest account password.

(guest_account, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:43, archived)

zeppelin.

That's just fucking selfish.

(mentalageofseven, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 19:56, archived)

Im a big fat liar....

I've lied too many times. Nothin too bad but here goes...

In primary school (elementary) I was very good to the teachers so they all liked me. I had this really bad enemy (lets leave it at Q.S) and we had victorian day. He took my hoop, which pissed me off and then I punched him (I box with my dad) in the lip. He was bleeding all over the place and we both got dragged in the headmasters office and the headmaster asked me what happened. I said that I was trying to get back my hoop and after I got it back, he slipped and fell over. I was let off, he was bollocked for it. Still how they thought he could fall on his face and cut his lip is another thing....

Then a few weeks later, we had this victorian project which I reall, really couldnt be bothered doing.
I stayed low for the first day, and then the next day I went to my teacher and said I had done it but could not find it. To convince her, I emptied out my desk and pretended that I was really horrified that it had gone missing. So while everyone else was still doing the work (it was easy but took forever) I sat and played on the BBC Micro computer which was a right laugh.

Then moving on to High school.

I had this hearing aid for one ear (I am so ever slightly deaf) which, to this day I HATED THEM. I can hear fine enough but my parents were all "you need them, your just guessing what they say" crap. I mean how the hell could I do the work and pass and then guess what they had been saying?? Anyway I was meant to drop them off at this tech room at the end of every day. So I got a letter to get let off 10 minutes early to drop them off.
I dropped them off once and then I never ever picked them up again but I started to go about 15 minutes early :D and just walk home. The teachers were retards. Anyway will write more later... got a lesson.

(Tom64, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:23, archived)

Meep

At school we had Victorian day too, I hope I dont know you somehow o.o;;

(Ocarina and the horse comes., Thu 27 Nov 2003, 23:55, archived)

LIES LIES LIES

In order to get a weekend of work to go see a band play in london, i told my boss that a mate of mine had commited suicide and i had to attend his funeral! Hey, i'm not evil, just warped :-)

(noip, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:30, archived)

Good Son, Bad Son

My brother and I could not be any more different. My younger brother has always been the one in trouble, and myself regarded as Mr. Goody Goody Perfect.

One year when we were little kids, we were on vacation with our parents and I had an issue getting a knot out of my shoe-laces and eventually cut them with a pair of scissors.

When my mother found out she was beyond furious. I was petrified! When asked if I did it I said No, so she brings my brother in and interrogates us both simultaneously. Over and over we both say "no mom, it wasn't me". This went on for what seemed 15 minutes. Finally, my brother says that he did it and mom responded by opening up an economy-sized can of whoop-ass on him.

Today my mom knows the truth and at every holiday get-togther my brother has to remind me how he took a beating for me as a kid. He deserved it though, he was a total bastard to me as a kid.

Guess I am not so good after all. Looking back, the part I find funniest is that my mother thought my brother was rotten enough to cut the laces on MY SHOES. It's not like we wore a similar size and he really could have been wearing them or anything.

(GreenLantern, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:31, archived)

I Remember my Mum

making my sister and I stand on a bed for more than two hrs until one of owned up to breaking one of those little wooden spinning tops, we were 6 + 8yrs old at the time and were crying our eyes out and denying everything, mum was coming up with the usual 'wait till your father gets home' trick and that's what we did. Dad walked through the door and mum shouted him upstairs and told him we wouldn't own up to this enormous crime.

His answer: Oh sorry that was me, I trod on it on the stairs!

Mums reply: WHO LEFT IT ON THE STAIRS THEN!!!!!!!!!!

I mean 'fuckin hell!' talk about taking your husbands side!!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:43, archived)

mums

are never wrong, fact. (or at least they never usually accept if they've got something wrong.)

(scumface, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:21, archived)

Mums

Mine is never EVER wrong when really she always is...

(Tom64, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:27, archived)

I remember my dad rampaging

round the house cussing and shouting because he Couldn't find the scissors. He then lifted up the floorboards where he had been working previously and lo, there they were. Much laughter ensued.

(

jsut peopel, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 14:08, archived)

i do student radio

and we save all our shows on a web server so people can download them later. the same server has our entire schedule on it so it knows when to record shows and when to just ignore it (nobody wants to record sbn). i'd recently had an argument with our head of programming and was very, very angry with him. so i found his account logged on on the station computer, and it had the admin details for the server stored... so i went on it and i swear i was just going to change his name on the site schedule to something rather rude but i clicked the wrong button and deleted every single one of his recorded shows. ten minutes before he was due on air.

i thought i was going to be found out after that but luckily he had been deleting shows earlier in the afternoon... so we told him his show had just 'disappeared' off the website. he still thinks that it was entirely his fault. we managed to sort it back out again in the end but i do feel a tad guilty, especially since he looked so embarrassed about it.

(corruptia, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 20:46, archived)

...

You bastard. That was me.

(pukearrhea, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 21:20, archived)

dont believe it for a second

(corruptia, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 23:28, archived)

Ambulance Run

When I was a teen, our phone number was one digit different from the local hospital.

One time, someone called our house saying that her husband was having a heart attack. I took the lady's information, phone number, told her to remain calm and that we'd send an ambulance right over.

They didn't call back, so after they waited long enough to wonder where the hell the ambulance was, they either got the number right the second time, or they had to call the morgue.

(DarkKaonis, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 21:51, archived)

Fumes of doom

At a party a friend and I squirted lighter gas in our mouths and lit the breath on its way out. Mini flamethrower, very funny. We told the party host that the flame came from alcohol fumes. He drank a vast amount of beer trying to copy us. No, we said. Spirits. Felt guilty when he threw up and passed out.

I've probably posted this in entirely the wrong place. Sorry. never posted here afore.

(Bagpipes, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:15, archived)

You got it right! Woo! Welcome, etc.

and doesn't the lighter gas burn your tongue or summat'?

(

Herr Tezcat, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 23:22, archived)

thanks! and no

though the rumour was if you inhaled it properly YOUR LUNGS WILL FREEZE. Though this may have been someone else's big lie... It was just a school craze for a while. The worst effect was generally SES (Singed Eyebrow Syndrome)

(Bagpipes, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 23:55, archived)

Oooh that reminds me of a similar story

Our number used to be the same as (but with a different dialling code) the incontinence clinic 7 miles down the road.

We used to get calls for it all the time, and usually would respond in a nice way and tell them the right number. One day, when things just weren't going right, there came a call for the incontinence clinic. Which I took as if I worked there. Manky details and all. Cheered me up no end, I can tell you.

(

weevilstepmother, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:50, archived)

your phone number is 998?

weird

(

new_matt, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 9:40, archived)

no - it must be 667

not weird - evil! :-))

(champagne lady, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:11, archived)

My phone number was one digit off the actual hospital's number, not the emergency number. Which is 911 over here.

(DarkKaonis, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 22:37, archived)

woah

you may have killed someone.

Sleep well, do we?

(

Dr Phil Kitten, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:20, archived)

!!!

Your one sick watermelon!!

(Tom64, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:28, archived)

Boiiiiiinnngg!

I lost my (full) cheque book once and had to reorder one from the bank. They swiftly cancelled my lost one and sent me a shiny new one.
3 months passed and I picked up my "new" cheque book and went on a spending spree (It was 3 days until pay day).
I did this for about 6 months until I ran out of cheques.
And yep, you guessed it, I was using the lost cheque book without realising.
So I phoned up the bank and told them what happened. Bloke on the phone told me to trace all of my purchases immediately and pay up as they couldn't do anything.
And the lie? I told him I would. Fraud is bad, laziness is a commodity. :)

So not a major lie, but a very beneficial one. It was either that or do an impossible task of retracing my steps for 6 months.

edit: It wasn't a huge amount of money btw. Mainly cheques for cigs, or tea from the service station.

(

Fronkle99, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:09, archived)

Have you heard?

Thw words gullible's been taken out the dictionary.

\coat

(

Mullet Over, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:19, archived)

Has it?

You must have the new dickshunnery. I checked mine, and it's still there.

(Daddy Orchips, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 23:21, archived)

or the other one

Hey look! Gullible is written on the ceiling!

tho my g/f mate got round this one by actually doing it! :)

(Anduril, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:08, archived)

My biggest lie

I told my parents I was "fine".

(+3 Baroque Vambrace of Icthyology, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:21, archived)

My biggest lie

Was way back in the late 80's. I lived in London and was engaged to a lovely girl called Lucy. I had convinced her that I was working as a bouncer at a night club in the midlands and that was why every Friday I had to head north, only to return knackered out on Sunday.
When she found out about my other fiancee in Leicestershire she was less than pleased. I lived that lie for 8 months! I was a bad person.

(george_w_anker, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:34, archived)

worst lie

probably was to my (recently) ex gf. I thought it would be funny to tell her that her best friend had come on to me, even though she hadn't. She'd been friends with that girl for about 15 years. Not anymore though. Whoops.

(ruck0r, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 22:48, archived)

I find it hard to tell lies

I really do! At work, it's just easy, people ask "do you have any watermelons" and you say "no", and that's it. Most of them just sod off. But when required to lie to people I actually like, or who are in some sort of authority, I just can't do it.

But then again, when I do bad things, I never get caught or even suspected- not that I do bad things a lot. But people think that if you're going to blush and sweat on the slightest interrogation over who who had the last kipper out of the freezer, they'd better not ask you about anything more serious. Like 'where did that hickie on my girlfriend's hip come from'? Stuff like that.

(abertownie, Tue 25 Nov 2003, 23:36, archived)

do you actually lie about watermelons

or was that the swear filter kicking in changing fucks to watermelons?? In which case "Do you have any fucks?" doesn't make sense...

(

Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 0:44, archived)

unless you work in a brothel.

possibly.

(

jonas is not my name, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:42, archived)

Actually I do lie about watermelons....

and just about anything else that happens to not be on the shelf at any particular time. Or else I'll say "I'll just go look for you sir", muttering "you actually think I give a rat's ass?" under my breath as I walk away.... then I'll just stroll into the warehouse, chat to someone for a bit, and walk out, "...no sir, no watermelons". But if anyone really did ask me "do you have any fucks?" Well it'd depend on how nice looking they were. So there you go....

(abertownie, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 22:42, archived)

not that bigger lie...

i was at a party and this guy tried it on with me knowing full well my boyfriend was in the next room. ok he was extremmly drunk/stonned but no escuse! so to get revenge we convinced him slept with our friends mum, who isnt a pretty sight and has a very hard husaband. to this day he still beleieves it and is too scared to go back to the house...

(Emily Salvage, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 1:04, archived)

just told a lovely whopper

just sent an email to my tutor this minute (then noticed this messageboard) that i couldn't make it into the tutorial tomorrow (for which she's being assessed!!) because of 'mitigating' and 'private' circumstances. i'm fucking evil: i just can't be arsed.

also knew a girl who claimed to have got seven a's at a level, and was so clever she drove her teacher mad, and she had to teach the class for the rest of the year. silly bint.

(andy hunter only responds to a series of clicks and whistles, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 1:34, archived)

I'll be struck down for it one day

A couple of years ago I had notched up way too many late days at work and was on 'final warning'. So I did the decent thing and got absolutely battered on a Sunday night and woke up on Monday 3 hours into my shift. Legging into the building, the first person I saw was my manager who had one of those "This better be good" frowns on. Before I knew what I was doing the words were coming out of my mouth: "Oh God! I've been at the hospital all morning with my boyfriend, he's got a collapsed lung!"
Unfortunately for me I had never known anyone with a collapsed lung, but my manager had. I think I may have given myself away later on in the day when he asked if there was 'any news?' and I just shrugged and said, "Naahhh, he'll be OK."

I aslo once missed a very important college exam for similar reasons. The next day my lecturer collared me about why I didn't turn up. I just stared blankly and said "Oh but I was there, and nobody else turned up, I waited for half an hour and left!" My blatant in-a-corner dishonesty confused him so much he just went on his way after rescheduling the exam for me! Nice

(absinthekitten, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 2:50, archived)

sheer fucking genius

if in doubt, tell a lie so blatantly confusingly obvious that you get away with it.

(

Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:03, archived)

Kids running the class

[I figured since it's my first post on B3ta, I may as well make it a big one. I've split it up into four different stories, only one of which really involved me lying, but never mind.]

Part 1: No lies involved, just replying to a post.

A lad called Ross from our old school did actually end up teaching the Computer Science A-level course for most of the year, because the actual teacher broke both his wrists in a cycling accident, and so was unable to write, type, etc. And because the school had an appallingly under-funded IT department, there was no other IT teacher available to teach.

I am aware that this sounds like total bullshit, but it's god's truth, I swear.

Part 2: Several small lies.

Also in relation to the above post, I have so far handed in 1 of the 8 problem sheets I've been given for my Physics lectures. I got away with "personal problems" for a couple of weeks, but then I was running out of ideas.

Then, as if from Heaven, my tutor had his lecture times rescheduled, so he was unable to do the lecture at the normal time last week, so that bought me a third week. He sent out emails asking us to suggest a new time, but as I have a problem with sending emails from my University account for some reason (this is actually true), he didn't get my available times until after he'd scheduled a new time, which Lo And Behold I couldn't make it to. Which bought me a second week. Then he rescheduled it again to a time I could do, but it turned out that that week I had already booked a coach to visit home. In actual fact I was missing all the lectures on that day because it left at 11, but I told him that I'd booked it for just after my last lecture, which meant I couldn't make it to the tutorial he'd scheduled for afterwards. Week three of procrastination. This gives me another week to catch up on all my work. Yes, that's going to happen...

Part 3: Feeling quite a bit of guilt over this one.

I was a little shit when I was younger. Once, at a school disco, I felt the tit of this lass, whom we shall refer to as Louise, as I don't remember her actual name. I'm not proud of it, but there was lots of illicit alcohol floating around, and I was young and wankerish. Anyway, Louise blatantly saw it was me, and found me later on and punched me in the face, as did two of her friends. I continued to proclaim my innocence in the face of her accusations, and although I left the disco in (deserved) dishonour, Louise later became convinced that it was actually a particular other lad (call him Tom), who bore a passing resemblance to me.

Louise and her friends were really apologetic to me for hitting me, and were nice to me for the rest of the year. She never spoke to Tom again.

I feel really guilty for groping her, although I don't feel guilty that Tom got blamed, as a) I had nothing to do with that, and b) he was even more of a dickhead than me.

Part 4: Karma.

Last year I was at my friend Tom's birthday party (different Tom; this one is a lovely lad), and I drank a considerable amount of alcohol, and was very drunk. I wasn't particularly obnoxious or anything, but I'd gotten extremely drunk on several recent occasions, so two of my friends (whom we shall refer to as Helen and Mike, as those are their names) decided it would be a good idea to teach me a lesson.

So the next day I woke up on Tom's floor, along with everyone else, had some pastries for breakfast, and then went about my business. When I spoke to Helen on MSN later, though, she asked me if I remembered groping our friend Sian. Of course, I didn't, as I hadn't, but she insisted that I had. The fact that there were some already-established gaps in my memory of that night did little to help my confidence. When I spoke to Mike, he corroborated Mike's story, adding that she didn't seem to object, and that I might be in there.

That wasn't what was on my mind; I was mortified (as I was no longer the pervert child I had been), and tried to find Sian to apologise to her, but she'd already returned to Uni, and I didn't have any of her phone numbers. All my friends were in on it, so I spent several weeks acting very meek and sober, until I finally got hold of Sian's email address and sent her a very apologetic email, only to recieve the reply "What are you talking about?".

I was, as you might imagine, rather angry, although the lesson about the dangers of getting extremely drunk was not lost on me. Not that I stopped, like.

(Branfish, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:50, archived)

Nottingham castle grounds, a couple of years back

Me and a mate were wandering around the castle grounds on a break from college.

An american tourist asked us what we were doing smoking a joint in public. were me mad?

So I told him this story:

Although the Sheriff of Nottingham (you know - the one from the stories) was known for his misdeeds he wasn't entirely evil and when the king returned he granted him one concession - anything he wanted.

Now the sheriff enjoyed smoking cannabis, which has always been outlawed in England. So as a concession he proclaimed that the smoking of Cannabis shall forever be legal within the grounds of Nottingham castle. The tradition has survived until this day

Silly buggers believed it too :)

(

Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 3:09, archived)

Thats the

best one I've seen!

(McDave, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:03, archived)

years ago at GCSE french mock exam

I thought it would be a good idea to take a few puffs off a bong before the exam since I did not expect to do too well anyway... all was good except I took it a little too far, and was sick during the exam. yes, I threw up among 90 other candidates to other papers too, infesting the exam room with the stench. I put my finger in my eye so that tears would come out to make it look like I was not high, but crying, and said that I was so nervous that I was noutious, and got away with it. All the examiners were so sorry for me :) I did not have to take the re-sit either, and was free from french exams till the propper exam...

(Mangol Ura Jim, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 3:43, archived)

As a reply to that,

In one of our International Politics exams last year, I was sat next to this one guy who is a bit of a tosser- arrogant Tory mummy's boy, the sort you get on any politics course. He obviously had a cold, as he was sniffing and sneezing a lot. Then, about an hour into the exam, he put's his hand up. Now this immediately draws the discreet attention of everyone nearby, even though it's usually just someone asking for more paper. This time it wasn't- the guy had two entrails of thick green snot hanging from each of his nostrils. Of course I couldn't laugh, as it was an important exam, but it was funny. The face of the German girl sitting on the other side was a picture. If only I'd had a camera.....

actually, that would have got me thrown out of the exam. But still, whingeing Tory boys 0 real human beings 1, I think.

(abertownie, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 23:06, archived)

what does he look like?

i think i might have been sat behind him!

(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 22:47, archived)

I did a big smelly

watery poo at work and blamed it on the fat guy.

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 3:46, archived)

Lying To Children Is A Bad Thing

I'm a teacher. I wanted to fly away for the weekend. Unfortunately I had a class on Friday afternoon, inconveniently at the time when I needed to check in at the airport. So, I simply "invented" the need for them to go on a field trip to the cinema, took them to an afternoon showing of some Hollywood pap and dumped them there, whilst I disappeared with my luggage. Then I made them write a review for their homework.

Had a cracking weekend, too.

(k2dazeeee, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 4:21, archived)

not mine, but it's good...

My exboyfriend always refused to go swimming or anything else that required removal of his shirt, even if it was just me around. He told me that it was because he'd tried to commit suicide at 12 years old by stabbing himself in the chest, and was embarrassed about the scar.

In reality, he was just ashamed that he had a set of tits.

(blush, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 6:50, archived)

nothing

wrong with that, I feel the same way I just say I have a set of tits though.

(anfor, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:18, archived)

nothing

wrong with that, I feel the same way I just say I have a set of tits though.

(anfor, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:22, archived)

4 Sets

your doing well there!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:17, archived)

"work experience" about 10 yrs ago...

Whilst I was at school I got put on work experience in a local menally handicapped home, which in itself p!ssed me off because I asked for a placement in IT !

Anyway, the people in the home got paid about £1 a week, for doing inane crap like putting keys round the chain things you get on keyrings.

Needless to say after a couple of days of doing this I got bored, and told them that I wouldn't be in tomorrow because I had a driving test!

So I took the day off, came in the day afterwards, and they all asked me how I got on in my test! I hesitated and said "erm I passed"...and they all proceeded to chip in money from their £1 a week salary to buy me a "congratulations on passing your driving test" card !!!

Man I felt bad about that !

(b34k3r, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 9:38, archived)

ARF!

Ive been telling boring people in clubs that I was born 75% deaf and cant hear what they're saying without my hearing aid, which would render me in agony with the loud music.

people buy me drinks because of this.

(Screwpot, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 9:49, archived)

i'm going to

fucking use that one. excellent!

(

wingphil, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:26, archived)

It must be about 20 years ago when I was 17...

I had made quite a bit of cash writing software on the side and decided to visit London, buy some new clothes, have a haircut etc... Anyhow, decked out in my new 'all yellow' suit (with waistcoat & bowtie - I must have looked like a fucking retard), I decided to go and watch the Pirates of Penzance - but not before having a few too many in Covent Garden. I arrived at the Dury Lane Theatre, decided I MUST have the Royal box and proceeded to get even more sloshed on G&T's which I kept trying to sneak up into the box (and always an usher would come and take them away). By the interval I was well gone and decided to go back-stage and see the actors. I somehow managed it and there sat Oliver Tobias and some other actors. Bullshit being one of my fortes, I suddenly came out with "that I was with Tim Curry in the Royal box and that although I thought Oliver's performance was first class, Tim wasn't sure...". For the rest of the second half, O.T. kept looking up at the box and I made an early exit before the end of the show. Somehow I managed to catch the train, missed my stop, and woke-up covered in my own puke at the end of the line in Crewe.

(phalf, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:12, archived)

At high school, we told

our friend Ben that our other friend Adam would be able to spend a year in space as part of his astrophysics degree.

(

MissPrism, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:40, archived)

a long time ago,

i used to be "friends" with this dude called ben. never really liked him, but he always hanged out with me and my other friend gary. one day we thought we would test how gullible he was...

ben was a big metallica fan, as was i and gary, so we told ben we went to see metallica and that we had snake pit passes too. snake pit was a hole in the middle of the stage where a few lucky fans fans could watch. we also said that the band pulled us up on stage.

he didnt even bat an eye lid.

so a couple of days later, we said we went to see em again and that they recognised us from the previous gig. so they invited us backstage, and we hung out for a bit before watching em live from the sidelines and again invited us on stage.

ben was lapping this up and not even suspecting this was a fib.

we then told him that the band took our numbers and wanted to get in contact cuz they wanted us to go on tour with them and hang out. problem with this was we were still at school, so we told ben we had to turn em down. however, we did say that metallica came back to england just to hang out with us, and we did so for a few days. partying gettin leathered and gettin laid by some hot girls.

still, no suspicion came from this boy.

so we told him that metallica wanted us to go to the states to meet them, and that they were gonna send their private jet to pick us up, and we coujld live out there with em for a week. (this was good for us cuz it meant we didnt have to hang out with ben over half term). when we "got back" we told him that we went to some massive awards ceromony and we were there hangin out with all the stars. we told him we went hunting with james hetfield, we went drivin monster trucks in his back garden... christ, the list is endless.

oh, i for got a bit, sometime ealier, we also roped in another guy called stu who was now friends with the band too. and that we went on tour with them and and performed live too. also metallica's entire fan base were now our dedicated followers too. and whenever metallica released a single with live tracks, we played them over the phone to ben sayin it was a recording of us performing.

at this point, you're all probably thinking that no man can believe all this blatant bullshit, but i havce proof. seeing as ben wanted to meet the band too, we told him that the metallica would be willing to meet him if he took a picture of himself and made a tape recording so they could see and hear what he looked like. i lost the photo, which i regret to this day cuz it was amazing, but i still have the tape recording buried in my room somewhere. i'll make an mp3 out of it and send it here if some tells me how, or what address to send it too.

its pure worth it

(bunny_333, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 10:44, archived)

i once

scratched the word zeppelin into the ice on someones car.. it scratched the paint.. i kept stchum..

(

Obz Click, ting, stamps, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:33, archived)

lies all lies

As a younger teenager I liked to play with petrol in the house. I would burn small amounts in a small genie lamp. One day I spilt a bit of petrol, then carried on. However this time when I lit it a small area of the carpet set alight. I paniked and spent 10 seconds thinking what to do. I ended up putting it out by smothering the flames with my school bag. This worked a treat, however my sister later asked why the front room smelt of petrol. I told her I had been cleaning the fireplace with a sponge that had been in white spirit, and the smell was white spirit not petrol. She brought it (my lie was after all more beleiveable than the truth) and never talked of it since. My dad didn't notice anything, not even the slightly torched area of carpet (the house was a dump as it was).

(joedoggyuk, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:46, archived)

In my younger days.......

......a friend and I managed to damage a family heirloom quite badly. Being the only two in the house we blamed the cat. Thing was, my mum was really upset and treated said cat quite badly after that. The cat soon buggered off and mum was pretty upset about that aswell.

I still feel the guilt.

(

Evil Bastardo, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:36, archived)

HAHAHAHAHA!! I hate cats anyway, what a great way to get rid of them!! :D

(Tom64, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:40, archived)

Lie or exaggeration

I have often been liberal with the truth in job interviews and lied about certain work experiences in order to get a job. It works as I got the jobs. I am a good blagger for a girl.

(minikins, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 11:42, archived)

My wife....

....is not what you'd call the gullible type (unlike my best friend's wife, who we once convinced that you could change your birth sign by deed poll), but I have managed to assure her - after she chanced to remark that Charlotte Church had quite an appropriate name, bearing in mind the type of songs she sings - that this was an entirely intentional stagename, and her real name is Dwynwyn Rhys-Evans. The worrying thing is, that I have heard her pass on this "fact" to numerous of her friends, and THEY all believed it too....

Perhaps I'm better at this lying lark than I give myself credit for....

(Desolation Angel, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:18, archived)

Over-blagging

My best blag got me a job with a high-class shop-fitting firm, with a view to becoming foreman after 3 terms at furniture college and 18 months on the enterprise allowance scheme.

I managed to last the day - just - after having to unload a lorry load of 18mm MDF sheets (8' x 4'), and taking about an hour to cut up some boards that I should have done in ten minutes. We parted by mutual consent.

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:22, archived)

Mmmm the Imaginative Truth.....

... I too am a champion blagger lass and actually became rather infamous round my parts for my extention of this into a more 'productive' application other than to other freinds parents that i was a sweet gal and wasn't really gettin there precious child stoned out of its brain.

I decided it would be nice to get a few free cd's & gig's. In the early 90's this kinda thing was an absolute doddle. I used to get all sorts from guillible press officers all over the uk on the guise that I was writing a fanzine..... Which i never really got round to.

I think the best thing I blagged was when Oasis were at there peak playing their 1st arena gig on home turf. I was with a mate, it was Sunday, we were bored. I called the stadium where the gig was, managed somehow to get onto the tour manager and gave this cock and bull story that it was my first feature for *undisclosed* magazine and I'd had my bag stolen on the train on the journey up from London (I wasn't even living in London but the town where the gig was. *i feel so bad even explaining this*) My tickets were in the bag see? And coz I couldn't get hold of my editor being a Sunday and in the era when no-one really had a moblie, my BIG BREAK etc etc. Half an hour later I called back and was instructed to come to the main reception when I arrived.

My and mate arrived at the arena to be met by two red coated fellas who escorted us round the circumfernce of the arena. Naturally I cacked my pants thinking we had been sprung somehow. However much to our pleasure we got escorted into a VIP box next to the stage. I sat next to Robbie Williams, Helena Christiana. Also in close proximity were Bono, George Michael and varios other bile inducing stars. We got champagne too. Well, needless to say that empowered a greed for this life and needless to say I have since blagged into numerous events, festivals, party's. I gave up this filth a few years ago and loved evey minute of it even if I was lying for a large part to get where I wanted. Am i bad????

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:16, archived)

you're ledge!

that's quality, that!

(reefus-, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 21:45, archived)

Long-running bollocks post

My parents went to a New Years party in Alderly Edge, (posh place where footballers live), 5 years ago and have been back every year since. When they got home from the first one they told my brother, (the biggest Man U fan in the world), that they had met David Beckham and got his autograph but that it had got thrown away when the tables were cleared. They told hime the same story the following year, and then the year after that they phoned him from the party to say that David Beckham would be calling him to say hello around midnight. My brother then went round the whole party we were at, telling everyone that he was going to get this phone call, which of course never came. My parents said that he had tried to call but the network had been busy. I knew it was a wind up and went round telling everyone after him that he was a fantasist. This was 2 years ago and he only found out about it last week.

(Bugpowder, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:37, archived)

ahhh

school was definitely the halcyon days of lying. For me it was 6 years of constant lying. I was in the unmitigating Hell of a Jesuit (uber-Catholic) school in Enfield. But as long as your tie was straight, your shoes shiny and you spoke with a nice, polite accent you could do no wrong. Oh those naive, shallow Jesuits.
I was put in charge of collecting contributions for the 'May Fete', which meant sitting in a storage room at lunchtime waiting for kids to bring in items from their parents for the tombola etc. By the end of the week a dozen bottles of various spirits (and anything else valuable) were safely back at my house. I told the teacher it had "been a very quiet week". The May Fete was a wash-out.
I also kept numerous pre-written excuse notes with me at all times - one for every occasion (late, ill, no homework). All that was needed was to fill in the appropriate date when needed.
Another time, after a week off sick with flu, I got out of swimming and PE for six months by replacing my Mum's original sick note with one saying I had a 'torsion of the testicle' (twisted testicle - ouch!) and had to abstain from any exersion. The idiot PE teacher was convinced - after all, who would lie about something like that? I also told my parents the school had scrapped parents-teacher evening and year-in, year-out forged the confirmation form saying they couldn't attend. I also used to say to teachers I couldnt get my parents to sign a detention slip as "my father would beat me". I never went to a single detention.
The list goes on.....

(luker, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:41, archived)

PE!

I got off PE by freaking the teacher out by showing him my freshly (and angry looking) pierced nipple. He nearly puked. I nearly pissed myself laughing.

(guest_account, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 1:27, archived)

Robbie Williams

An ex and I told her two young daughters that I was Robbie Williams.

They came home from school the next day saying that all their mates wanted to come round to meet me.

Ho ho

(

Boot I want to know what you meant, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:43, archived)

Big Trak

Many many years ago my mate once told me that he's gone to McDonalds on Christmas day and when his parents weren't looking the staff gave him a Big Trak as a christmas present with his meal which he managed to hide from his parents all the way home and kept it in the woods near where he lived.
My mum who was listening then slowly pointed out that McDonalds weren't open on Christmas Day. Never seen anyone looking so sheepish!
Ever since then BigTrak has been the replaced word for bullshit

(weeboll, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:51, archived)

what is a big trak

(pomegranate, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:38, archived)

This

is a Big Trak!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:21, archived)

I once told my ex-wife that I wouldn't root her younger sister

Ha Ha - now I'm living with her ( yes I am rooting her too)

(peewee13, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 12:53, archived)

One of my mates

once cheated on his A-Level Philosophy exam by writing stuff on his shirt, quite how he got away with it I don't know. Anyway, the reason he did this was so that he'd get the grades he needed to go to the same university as his at the time girlfriend.

For some reason or another, he took it upon himself to tell his girlfriend what he had done, who quickly proceeded to dump him because of it.

In an attempt to make it up to her, my friend wrote to the exam board confessing his sin, only for them to respond with something along the lines of 'Oh Really! Well, in that case we're going to take away all your grades you've ever attained and bar you from taking any more. Ever.'

The only reason he managed to get out of this was because the headmaster of his school wrote to the exam board telling them that he had a psychotic illness that made him prone to periods of madness!

(Maels, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:10, archived)

my friend yorkie...

famous for being the guy who 'friend of a friend' stories are really about...

managed to get a year out of uni by claiming he had a gambling habit

and

after having written
"i am a fish i am a fish..." etc
in answer to a european history essay and signing it off with
"well what do you expect if you schedule a lecture on the same afternoon as £ a pint in JC's...The Yorkie Bar Kid"
got away with it by saying that his housemate put speed in his sugar bowl

you may think i'll get in trouble if he reads this, but i can assure you he'll be proud...

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:21, archived)

JC's?

Was that in Swansea Uni? or are there many other JC's bars I'm unaware of?

(

Weetobix, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:09, archived)

erm

yes, you probably know a few people i do if you were there a while ago

the role players on the quiet side...

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:17, archived)

*cough*

"I am a fish" is nicked from the Red Dwarf book
*cough*

(alexnessie \o/., Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:56, archived)

yeah

i believe thats where he got it from

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:25, archived)

i was once on an empty bus

so I sat on the nearest seats, the ones you're supposed to give up to old gimmers and the disabled. Two old birds got on, and started loudly fussing about me being there, despite there being plenty of other seats just as close, and them being perfectly healthy stunt-grannies.

So, I get to me stop, get up, and fake a really bad limp. That shut em up. Unfortunately I had to keep this pretense up all the the way down the road until the bus was out of sight.

(

SpunkyBackpack, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:34, archived)

my ex's brother's wife

told him that she would love to go to mount Everest. He told her they could go the next weekend as it was only up the road in Essex. She believed him.

(whydobirdssuddenlyappear, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:39, archived)

when I was 17

After many many arguments, I managed to persuade my very protective parents to let me go on holiday Greek Island hopping with my then bf (who turned out to be a total smackhead but that's another story). The last thing my emotional mother said at the airport was 'No hitchhiking and NO MOPEDS!'

Of course we both hitchhiked and hired a moped. And I did the typically stupid tourist thing and burnt my leg on the exhaust. The burn went septic. When I limped through the arrivals gate, mum insisted on taking me straight to Casualty. In front of my mother, the nurse asked how I had got the burn. The fact I'd just been dragged to Casualty after a 12-hour ferry journey and 3-hour flight might've slowed down my reactions somewhat, cos all I could come up with was, 'We were in Santorini, it's volcanic, all the beaches are black and I fell asleep with my leg against a black pebble and it got really hot! Honest!'

16 years later, and it's never been talked about in the family since. But I suspect they know.

(

Safetyfox, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:42, archived)

Just remembered a good one

I have a lovely, very clever, but occasionally gullible friend.
One day she was installing a new computer and something kept going wrong.
Another friend convinced her that the problem might be due to a source of static electricity nearby. For instance, he asked, was she wearing nylon knickers?
We managed to hold in the giggles until she was leaving the room to take her knickers off.

(

MissPrism, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:44, archived)

I've been so honest

(not good, just honest) but I had a friend at school and she was hilarious. She *must* have been a compulsive liar.

Her dad was secretly bisexual and having an affair with the prince of Oman.

Her mum was also having an affair, but with a bloke.

Her auntie was secretly a lesbian.

So was her mum. And her other auntie.

Her brother was in love with whoever she happened to be speaking to.

She had skin cancer.

She had leukemia.

Her dad was dying.

This sort of thing went on and on and on until we couldn't take any more of her lies.

And then her mum actually did drop dead of a brain tumor.

Didn't think of that one, did you love?

/evilness

(

kitty_cat, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:51, archived)

Dossing at a friend's house after a party ...

... I found the sofa I'd intended to sleep on occupied by one of the people who lived in the house. Being a gentleman, rather than leave her there and steal her bed, I decided to carry her to her room. But being also very drunk I got half way up a dark corridor, smacked her head against a doorframe and dropped her on the floor. Went back to the sofa and fell asleep.

In the morning I sympathetically agreed that she must have really been hitting the sauce to have fallen asleep five yards from her bed and woken with a splitting headache.

But the one I'm most embarrassed about ...

Barman: I'm sorry I can't serve you any more beer. Your mate is too drunk.
BillyLiar: No no ... he's ... erm ... got cerebral palsy.

(

Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 13:52, archived)

Hahaha

They're both brilliant

(

wayward., Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:35, archived)

I'm going to

use that 2nd one! thats class

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

Lying to Yanks

No time to read the whole thread this week, so apologies if this one's been done but, when I were a lad and travelling round Europe like a bum, we Brits used to love lying to americans and winding them up too. The best was to fake a conversation in there hearing saying that you really fancied a wank, then when they asked what it was, explaining that it was we called a pint of real english beer, and that when they visited England, be sure to go into a pub and ask the barman for a wank (that's w*nk, if the filter is on).

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:08, archived)

"sory love, gota go, early squash match"

ironic, I was 17 stone.

(shiftClick, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:23, archived)

glasgow

My best mate got married in glasgow, i ended up getting it on with his older sister, we left and went to a nightclub, I had a kilt on the full monty , we told people we had just got married and snook out for a break, we had no rings on, when asked why by some women at the bar i said that we used the ring money to sponsor a dolphin in florida, they bought us drinks,

(lord Roystarn, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 14:56, archived)

The great Kit Kat Car scam

I was an unknown first year undergraduate at uni and realised that although there were about 400 people living in my particular college, I only knew a smattering of people.

The year is 1997

I was in the college bar and pretty hammered and went to the chocolate machine to get a kit kat. I looked at the wrapper and there was a promotion offering a free bar of chocolate if you had a winning wrapper. It was a well advertised campaign on telly etc.

I got back to the table where I was sitting and opened the wrapper. Inside it said "Congratulations - You're a winner!"
Being drunk and a bit of a knob I jumped up and shouted "Yes!!!" conversation went a bit like this:
"what?"
"I'm a winner"
"what have you won?"
"A car"
Immediately I said this our table was swamped with people trying to get a look at the first year who'd just won a car.
Then it started getting tricky. People wanted to see the wrapper, so I gladly flashed them the "you're a winner" phrase. Then followed a general stampede to the chocolate machine. Come on! the chances of two kit kats winning cars from the same vending machine can't be high. Also the IQ of late nineties Cambridge students can't be that high either because they all got the same promotional wrappers as I did and some even won chocolate bars - no sign of anything offering a car.

Then they started asking questions. I figured a good car for Kit Kat to give away would be a Red Fiat Punto and I decided to give no more information away than that apart from that it would be delivered to my parents' house in Essex and that I didn't drive.

So, when people asked anything else I pretended to be really shy and just ran out of the room. This earned me dozens of hugs and "isn't he sweet - stop bothering him etc" from female members of college. After three days every single person in college knew me and stories started to filter back from town. People talking about this kid that had won a car from a Kit Kat blah blah blah.

Then it started to get interesting. A fellow first year was desparate to get a story into the universtity newspaper "Varsity". I agreed to help on one condition - that she wouldn't interview me but that, instead, I would issue some quotes.

I started off with "obviously, I was over the moon" and worked my way up to "I've decided to donate it to charity because cars cause too much environmental damage - and I prefer my trusty bike, anyway" i also slipped in a couple of "it couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke etc."

I still have copies of the article and it still makes me laugh out loud to read it.

I started to get calls from major newspapers about the story which scared me a little so I made that my last interview. The story did, however, make the university Alumni magazine and a year later I read the following in the same magazine:

"First year natural scientist XXX XXXXX has donated a car won in a competition to charity. As he explained "cars cause too much environmental damage and I prefer my trusty bike anyway"

I don't know whether this is the biggest lie told but I did manage to con the entire population of Cambridge University and become an overnight college hero due to a complete and total utter lie, backed up with more utter bollocks. And I got laid off the back of it:)

(push it na na na na na na na, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:12, archived)

YES!!!!

I heard about you, Were you at Robinson? well done, best lie yet!

(lamagic, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:46, archived)

WOOOOOOW

"We're not worthy!"

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:01, archived)

The best one so far!

Of course it could all be a gigantic lie?

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:36, archived)

if it said you are a winner

What did you really win? Another KitKat?

(

Weevilgrl, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 2:44, archived)

a kit kat

yeah I think I had a choice of any Rowntree/Nestle chocolate bar. the best thing was hearing arbitrary students reminiscing about it years later

(push it na na na na na na na, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:28, archived)

The biggest lie i ever told

Nope... it wasn't me that changed the password of the guest account.
How could I lie to b3ta?

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:23, archived)

Arse

monkey

(

Dogtanian, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:28, archived)

tit

bollcks.
The biggest lie I ever told was "It was like that when I got here", on a course with the sea cadets. Look! I didn't mean to burn a hole in it, we were just experimenting.
And the password is parp, by the way.

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:35, archived)

In that case

all is forgiven ;)

(

Dogtanian, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:52, archived)

Oops

Accidentally used the guest account - and here's me telling my counciller I'd given it all up ......

fucksocks

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:31, archived)

welsh passport

We went on a school minibus trip to wales, from london, and told this kid that you needed a passport to get in and we all had ours. We really wound him up saying we'd have to turn back and all this stuff, grave looks and so on. We had him hiding under the seats for about an hour as we 'went through customs'.

(barba rei, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:36, archived)

I lied when I said honesty was dead.

Ho ho.

Re: University lying at top thread. I was in the same boat as Rob's mate. I wish I'd used AIDS as an excuse. Instead I told 'em I was a Schizophrenic Dyslexic (or should that be Skizofrenic dizzlecsc?). They wouldn't believe me so I had to go to a shrink - say I was hearing voices and to a learning disabilities centre and write with my left hand to get written confirmation

Another lie was:

"Why did you leave your last job"

I was sacked for threatening to hit my boss (he really disserved it)

My answer:

"I was raped by my boss and then sacked. You're the first people I told"

(Both parties involved are male)

I lie on my CV saying I finished Uni. My god this is turning into grouphug.us.

Ciao kids.

YM

(

Your Mum, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 15:57, archived)

Perhaps not the biggest....

But certainly one of my best. (Bear in mind this is in the days before every child was born with a nokia in one hand)- We were on a school trip and I just missed out on the last seat in the mini bus with all my mates- devastingly I was left with the "choice" between sitting up the front with the teachers (not much fun at the best of times- especially not when you're stinkin' of special tobacco, and there's a chance of fingering Zoe on the back seat) or in the other teachers car with all the geeks and the Billy Joel tape. Thinking on my feet, I went back into the hostel, then emerged a moment later with a grave look on my face. Targetting the nearest person to the door, and the lad who nicked my seat I said "Jonesy- there's a phonecall for you in reception- I think it's your mum..." My long face, and serious demeanour obviously worked, because, pausing only to turn ashen Jonesy dashed inside, whereupon I burst out laughing and hopped into the nicely warmed seat- much to the amusement of the rest of the minibus. By the time he re-emerged he knew it was all over and swore colourfully at me before taking up his seat at the front where he belonged for believing my outrageous porky.

(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:02, archived)

i convinced

my mate that Noel Edmonds had died in a tree pruning accident. I still think she believes it..

(roboglitch, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:44, archived)

There was this girl in Orchestra

Who used to find it hilarious to come on to me cause she was 'gay' (still not sure) and it was bullying kind not the kind that makes you laugh like a tosser. As well as her being younger than me and a townie, I fucking hated it and her!
So when she was starting up again when I was on msn (my ex gave her my address...git) I asked a girl from college who was online to pretend to be my hard as nails bitch who began to say things like "I know who you are and where you live" as well as threaten her...

She never bothered me again...:D
My friends however....

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 16:52, archived)

Guest Account

back available after the Tit who changed the password (no, really...what is the point?)

guest_account
password

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:08, archived)

I'm married

I guess everyone does this when chatted up but it makes me chortle as I never wear a ring. Hmmm. Of course I've also used the "I'm gay" line (which I felt was perfectly justified by fancying Dannii Minogue) and have even been an accomplice to 'proving' one of my friends was gay too, by getting off with her. That was a good night.

(pinky shminky, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:09, archived)

pregnant

got my 30yr old mate to believe that when women are pregnant the umbilical cord comes out from between their legs and attaches to the belly button and when the baby comes out the mum and kid are still attached by the cord . How he believed it still mystifies me. He sort of denies it now.

(barba rei, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:25, archived)

I never lie.

(100% FACT)
:@ )
edit: and neither does Matazone.
Obviously. (bollox, must do my research better for these.....)

(

blyerkit e k trilby, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:44, archived)

Well...

I´ve told my parents that i graduated instead of spending two years on a binge. I've even made a fake honours certificate in photoshop and printed it on fancy paper. It is indistinguishable from the real thing, except for the watermark. I've decided it's a business in itself:

"Come and get your degree certificates! Fiver for one, two for eight pound!"

(bustab, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:47, archived)

Er, 2 please.

Will you ship international? ;)

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:57, archived)

I used to work

in the section of a University that printed the real certificates. I thought they might be tightly controlled, but when I said I wanted to "test a new printer" they gave me a big load of them just like that. I've got "offical" degrees in farting, burping, the lot!

(guest_account, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 23:33, archived)

Ouch!

At school, I was always getting into major shit for never doing homewerk. One time in particular, when I was 10 or 11, I hadn't done any for a month and the shit was going to seriously hit the fan. Out teacher, having grown tired of all my excuses, demanded that my mother should come in to explain. I knew I was dead... I figured that the only thing that would get me out of it was to have myself hospitalised immediately. My brother had had his appendix removed a few years previously so I knew all of the symptoms. I went home with a 'really bad pain in my side', was brought to the doctors, who prodded me a bit and I said 'Ow' at the appropriate times. From there it was onto hospital. Yay!! I felt like the smartest evil-villan kid on earth! I was sitting there in the hospital bed feeling really pleased with myself, when some nurses arrived with a trolley and proceeded to take me to the operating theatre where they operated to have my beautiful, perfect appendix removed. Bastards! I think it was a really quiet night or somethin, 'cos the tests must have come up negative. The weird thing is that I've never been able to touch the scar or let anyone else touch it since... Guilt perhaps? The thought of telling my mum still scares me - I'm 29!

(PsiPhi, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:50, archived)

I like this one

Because of the lengths you went to

(Ellis, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 17:56, archived)

I had my mum believing I was

still a virgin until the day I married. Dumb woman.....

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:05, archived)

Told to 2nd formers at school...

Not a big lie, but probably the best gullibility rating.

At school one day, I was sitting on a bench, waiting for something, and absent-mindedly striking the knuckles on my fists together. A couple of young, impressionable 2nd form kids came by.

The conversation went like this.

"What ya doing?"
"Trying to get sparks off my knuckles."
"You can't do that!"
"Yes you can."
"No you can't!"
"Yes you can - small flakes of skin come off, are heated by friction and burn."
"Really?"
"Yes, if you do it right."

Young, impressionable 2nd form kids sit down and all start trying to do it. Best part? After about 5 minutes, one of them says:

"Yay! I got one!"

(

Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:28, archived)

Lol

Simular thing happened to me (in year 1 in primary) . I accidently bung my head onto my playground wall, and tried to act as if I did it on purpose.
Friend: "Why did you do that?"
Me: "Urr, it make you clever."

Loads of kids went home from headaches that day.

(Silly Sarah, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:13, archived)

this I like

the mental image of lines of children, smacking their heads of the wall

"URR - IT MAKE US CLEVER!"

david blunkett's dream

(39811 basic bytes free, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:33, archived)

Biggest Lie?

I told someone on the net I was 80 years old. And they fucking fell for it.

(Roland Deschain, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:55, archived)

Toilet Trauma

I'm not really sure if its the biggest lie (well, it was many of us that lied to save my ass) I've ever told but I still cringe at it for some reason.

It was a few weeks ago actually.
I was at my Youth Club which I go to every Tuesday (to "Play Sports" if that counts as messing around and playing truth or dare!) and I was outside the Sports Hall that I was hanging out with my friend, where the Boys' and Girls' toilets are. I found about 50 leaflets about birds and said I would shove them down the Boys' Toilets. She thought I wouldnt, but I did. I ran away and then saw this kid going in. I heard a flush of the toilet and burst into laughter.
About 20 minutes later, everyone was shouting, "The loo's blocked!" as apparently that kid who went into the toilet had a shit in it and flushed the loo. It stank up the whole place and the POLICE even got envolved, but all the kids who went to Youth Club blamed it on the little ginger welsh kid that did the shit (who also goes to a Welsh Club which is also in the building we go to youth club)and he didnt even speak English! He was crying and crying as they called his parents and he got a spankin. I do feel really bad, but my ass was definatley saved, thanks to all my mates!

(Silly Sarah, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:56, archived)

On a night out to a gig i met....

my ex and her friend. We;re still friends so i was chatting to them all night. When my ex went away for a while, possibly to the toilet i told her friend that i had syphalis and didnt know how to tell my ex. I was tipsy and thought the friends knew i was joking.
A week later I bump into the friend who says that my ex was going to a clinic the next day for all the test and probing and whatever that they do.
I had to phone her up to tell her not to waste her time. I havnt spoken to either of them since.

(Ash_Pow is now available in extra medium, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 18:58, archived)

when I first

started reading the b3ta newsletters I sent an e-mail in, which contained the biggest lie I have ever told in my life. Figured that whoever read it would toss it, but nope, it ended up in a newsletter a few days later.

*sorry*

(

Lisette von Falcon, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:28, archived)

what newsletter was it?

was it recent?

(

lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 23:09, archived)

I tell then you will probably know which one, so I'll be general. about six weeks ago maybe, just a guesstimate

(

Lisette von Falcon, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 23:41, archived)

Fire!

The Summer of ‘76 was a scorcher. The sun burned down every day. It didn’t rain for months, and water was rationed as the reservoirs ran dry. Instead of a beautiful lush green, the England was brown, withered and fit to burst into flames. Which is probably a very bad thing if you’re a ten-year-old pyromaniac.

I just couldn’t help it. I had a thing for fire. I had to burn things. It was ace.

So it came to pass that I found myself on the wasteland between Loddon Hall and the youth club with nothing to do and a packet of Swan Vestas rattling in my pocket. A hedge ran along one side separating it from the park, and that’s where I found an empty glass coke bottle.

“Wouldn’t it be great if I could light a fire in this coke bottle and carry it around with me?” I thought. Yes it would.

I stuffed the bottle with scraps of paper and tinder-dry sticks of which there was a plentiful supply. I struck my first match and put it in. Nothing. As soon as it passed the bottle top it went out. Stupid thing. I tried it again. And again. And again with less paper and sticks in the bottle. Clearly it wasn’t going to work. So I decided to light the fire outside the bottle, and once it’s well lit, I could put it in.

Genius. I set about building a small fire out of the materials to hand. One match, and up it went like Mount Vesuvius. In the space of approximately five seconds, my small fire had become a raging inferno. And there was no way on earth I was going to pick it up and shove it in a bottle. In fact, the fire was spreading at such an alarming rate over the grass and into the bushes that all thought of my fire-in-a-bottle were forgotten and replaced by an overwhelming urge to run away and hide under my bed.

So that’s what I did. I only lived about a quarter of a mile away, and my feet barely touched the ground. A glance over my shoulder confirmed the worst - the entire hedgerow was aflame in almost biblical proportions. I ran upstairs and dived under my bed. By the light of a blazing match (yes, I really was THAT stupid), I could see that I was alright and clearly hadn’t been followed home by the forces of law and order.

I went downstairs. My mother was standing at the kitchen window watching a column of thick black smoke rising into the sky, punctuated by the odd lick of flame. The sound of sirens could be heard.

“I wonder what happened there then?” she asked.

"Oh! What's happening? I've been in my bedroom all afternoon."

I went back there a couple of years ago for a family wedding-cum-brawl, and it's all grown back.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 19:54, archived)

Oh the silliness...

"matches, matches never touch, they can hurt you very much" or summit along those lines...

(

Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 20:02, archived)

Or...

Vestas, Vestas, they're the bestas!

Or something.

(

Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 22:37, archived)

MY GREAT LIE

This one time
at band camp
there was this
flaming ninja robot
that liked to
eat fat kids
for brakefast. And
insert jelly babies
into his rectum.
because he was
a turtle.
actually 30 percent
instant water powder
and 90 percent
diet coke, but
there is no
hamster fodder left
for han solo to
rape. so instead
he imploded for
that was the
beginning of fish
Later that day
flaming ninja robots
took over the
local walmart store
They used soaps
To wash fish
that were dirty
But they retaliated!
with anus beams
and giant poop
that eroded the
crust of the
50 foot Pie
and then exploded
with the force
of one million
big fanny farts
from the rectum
from the rectum?
Yes the rectum!
Obey the rectum!
of the pope
ok whatever,
from the rectum/
came a mere-cat
so i shot her
and she died
after eating salad
which contained a
large quantity of
explosive materials that
asian men use
to eat their
babies for breakfast
with a side
of bacon. On
whole wheat bread
he attached a
Munglai because he
tastes good with
whole wheat bread
and peanut butter
made from France
in its capital
that smells like
rotten chocolate eggs
witch looks like
fossilized cat poop
with hairy flys
, But monkeys can
watermelon some hoes
And thats how the grinch stole christmas!

(GrandMaster Sexy Tizard, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 21:05, archived)

Ooooooooohhh I just remembered one

I remember when I was at primary school sending out plaground wide panic.
When those meteorite things hit jupiter years ago I told everyone who'd listen (i was good at astrology which most kids knew, the onlyone who knew the order of the planets in class, people still dont know now, dumbasses!)
I said that Jupiter, being the biggest planet in the solar system, was going to blow up, destroying most of Mars and Earth was gonna be shaken to hell with lumps of mars smacking into it.
I told this for about a week, sending kids into histerics...heh heh heh...that'll teach that Cloie who got to draw Pluto for a display...bitch

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 21:28, archived)

hahaha

Grandmaster, it sounds like ur on something
- mashleaves -

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 22:01, archived)

Hey! Look!

It's Happy Noodle Boy!!

(PsiPhi, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 17:36, archived)

Rolf Harris is dead..

..Is he bollocks.
Me and a mate (who turned out to be a right cranberry), once convinced quite a few people in nightclub once that rolf harris was dead and even tried getting the dj to play a song in tribute to him...
Fast forward a few months..
Go back to the said nightclub where we're approached by some angry looking fellows who accuse us of lieing about rolf harris before walking away with evil eyes...

:D

Gullable drunks ^.^

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 21:50, archived)

This one is true

This was not me but my bro-in-law, at senior school with his mates.

Their field was on a slope and they had a massive iron roller for the tennis courts I think.

Anyway, one dinnertime, they took the roller to the top of the field and let it go. Unfortunately it flattened a lad who was in the wrong place definetely at the wrong time.

It squished him into the soft ground but broke both his legs. (They found that out later because....)

My bro-in-law and his mates then proceeded to the chippy for their lunch (evil)

And of course, when challenged, they denied everything

(guest_account, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 21:57, archived)

so the lie is...

that they said they didnt do it? its a pretty bad lie i suppose, not sure if i'd own up to breaking a guy's legs...

(DopplerSow, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 22:52, archived)

Izzard

gag about Englebert Humperdink being dead (no ne isn't ... yes he is etc) ..... ver' funny so mate tried it in MASH in Clapham .... at, bar, bloke to left, "did you know Terry Wogan died today" bloke just keeps looking ahead, "you've been watching too much Eddie Izzard mate" ...... oh fucksox.....

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:29, archived)

no mum/nan/grandad, i'm not getting my lip pierced today

yes i do realise you'll kick me out if i get my lip pierced

(i subsequently got kicked out my house)

(

stevierar, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 23:34, archived)

and..

numerous numerous lies at college and school

(

stevierar, Wed 26 Nov 2003, 23:48, archived)

Gullible Children...

I remember whilst on vacation from uni my parents had my 5 year old cousin over for a while. Of course, me being the bastard that I am, I decided to fill his little noggin with tons of filth. At one point in time we had convinced him that German chocolate cakes actually contained German casualties from world war two, and that french factories were using gigantic machines to squeeze the victims into a rather disgusting paste. We also convinced him that Spam was made of people, and that Switzerland stays neutral due to the fact that they have a dirty little secret involving the true ingredients of the product. To this day, I still wonder if the kid laid awake at night, fearful of being turned into either paste or assorted other unidentifiable meat products.

(DoktaLuv - Presenting A Petition Against Having Long Names, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 0:23, archived)

Have you ever tried Mexican Laughing Beans?

Being at a loose end one day I asked my 10 year old sister if she had ever tried eating Mexican Laughing Beans. When she told me that she hadn’t I convinced her that they were the best fun in the whole world and she shouldn’t miss out. I had her close her eyes and popped a teaspoon of dried chillis into her mouth. After she carried on a bit I explained that I had laughed and therefore they had worked. Life continued and no-one was particularly scarred by the experience until our six year old cousin came to visit six months later. My sister was left alone with her and she remembered the Mexican Laughing Beans. Perhaps her imagination is better than mine or maybe she is just plain sick, but this time the joke went too far. She managed to convince our cousin that the Mexican Laughing beans were the best fun in the world. She agreed to try them. Kate then explained to her that she would have to be tied to a kitchen chair in case she injured herself laughing so much. The poor little six year old agreed and patiently submitted while Kate bound her to a chair using Mum’s headscarves. She should have been a sailor considering the knots she tied. With a straight face Kate then administered a very unhealthy dose of Mexican Laughing Beans. Still bound to the chair, my cousin began screaming within seconds and proceeded to have some form of conniption which involved foaming of the mouth and thrashing around on the floor. Everybody came running into the room. Kate was found stifling a laugh and looking very sheepish. She tried to blame me but I denied all knowledge.

(birdynumnum, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 6:11, archived)

long time listener

first time boarder - hi all.

so. lying. did alot at school, had issue with homework, but this particular episode was to do with my best friends burds' maths assignment.

she went to an all girls school and had been chased for this particular assignment for some time - and her luck had run out.

she didnt have the work to hand in and had run out of excuses. could her boyfrind or myself think of something to get her out of this fix?

we did. bomb threats. from random payphones. her school was evacuated.

she got out of maths. as did everyone else for the day.

(im going a little further south than the equator for that whopper)

(magictorch, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 9:23, archived)

Esate Agent rip off

I was an Estate Agent back in the 80s, lying was of course part of the job...
Went to value a nice little flat in a village just outside London, worth about 50k at the time. Bloke selling it was doing so on behalf of his late father. He was from some northern hell hole where houses were 12 for a shilling and had no idea of southern prices.
He said "would it be easy to sell?",

I said "ummm welll probably ok" (lie 1),

"as a matter of fact im looking for somewhere to live myself" (lie 2)
"tell you what, its worth about 30k (lie 3) I will give you 32k for it cos its just what I need (lie 4).."

"Cor! as much as that!" says northern man,

we shook on it, the deal was done and I bought it.
Sold it straight away to another estate agent for 50k which was probably about 2k under price.

Now, call me a lying, scheming git but if you were selling a house and an estate agent said "I would like to buy your house, its just what I need" would'nt you smell the teeniest little rat?

I packed it in a year or two later having only ripped off one more vendor and that was the Prudential Insurance co for 16k.

(FunnyOnion took his trowsis off, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:23, archived)

eep

I feel your pain...

(Mleh, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 16:54, archived)

Pretty crap, but...

...in my teen days, I got smashed on Diamond White in the park, then stumbled home and vomited all over my bedroom. When questioned by my poor mother the next morning (I'd kept quiet the night before and gently passed out), I told her that the root beer in McDonalds hadn't agreed with me.

And she believed me...

I've never felt so guilty in my life, and she only found out the truth recently.

(

jonnybear Jonnybear, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:18, archived)

Unit

My sister and I used to fight and get each other into trouble when were quite young, but the best one was round about the time she had started to learn how to write. It was still quite a novelty to her and she liked to practice it. Around this time my parents had also bought her a new cupboard/set of drawers/wardrobe unit type thing, quite expensive. I then, in my crappiest handwriting, scribbled "Aimee" on the inside of the new unit with the sharp bit of a compass and waited for my mum to find it. My mum called her up the stairs and asked her why she had written her name on the new unit and damaged it and she quite rightly denied it, and suggested that it was probably me. My mum beat her till she yelped for lying. Very funny.

(nathanjohnston, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:22, archived)

my mum was too clever for that

I got a sound whupping for (very cunningly I thought) writing my sister's name in toothpaste all over the bathroom tiles. Much as I insisted that my sister had done it, mum was not fooled.

(peachy, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:27, archived)

Bed

Around the same time, I got a new cabin bed, one of those ones that has a desk and a wardrobe and a bunk bed on top. This was the first bunk bed we ever had in the house, so I was very pleased with it and my sister decided she would quite like one too. The actual mattress was kept in place by 3 large wooden slats that sat underneath it and were quite sturdy but moveable. I moved the one nearest the ladder that led up to the bunk bed on top of the middle slat, leaving a large hole and pushed the matress into the edge of the surrounding bed border to keep it in place. Then I asked my sister if she wanted to race me up to the bed to see who could get onto the matress first. She ran up the stairs like a shot, up the ladder and fell through the matress head first. She broke the desk underneath it with her head. I couldnt really get away with that one, I considered lying but I had a fair notion that lying would just make a bad situation with the folks worse. I think I received a sound thrashing for my efforts.

(nathanjohnston, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 10:32, archived)

not quite a lie....

Not quite a lie.....
i was constantly annoying people in my house - one of my fav's was when i was about 4 and my sister had taught me to 'give her 5'. I thought it would be very funny i put pins in between each of my fingers and shout at her give me 5. She did and i remember her face changing and her starting to scream as so noticed all then pins in my hand and the blood pricks on her fingers - quite funny.
There was also the time when i challanged my brother to a race when i was about 5 - he gave me a head start. I ran on a bit and hid around the corner and as he came running by at fullk speed i tripped him up sending him down like a sack of shit and splitting his chin at the same time - he still has the scare now 15 years on - quality

(Fwap Attack, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:00, archived)

This is similar to one of the first posts, but....

I was working at Wellworths in the 'computer' department on a dodgy NVQ scheme, which meant wandering around the shop floor scanning all the items with a little scanner and transfering all that data into the computer at the back office. Mind numbing. I had been in the job for a month and it was my birthday and the bastards were making me work a full day anyway. So I went to the bar with a couple of the other guys from the course and had a few drinks and it was a nice day and so on, and I didnt want to go back to work. I got one of the guys, a wierd round-shaped bloke called Dave, to phone in to Wellworths after I went back to work and pretend to be my 'uncle Dave' with some family business. I arrived back at work after lunch and was sitting in the computer room for about 10 minutes when the main office called me down for a grave chat.

Them: "We've just had a call from you're uncle Dave, its quite important."

Me: "Oh, Uncle Dave? What did he want?

Them: "It turns out your grandfather has taken ill and has been rushed to hospital. They aren't quite sure what the matter is, but they need you to go right now."

Me: (stunned, aghast expression)

Them: "I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. Can I ask what age he would be now?"

Me: "Oh, um, around 76-77 I think, but I can't be exactly sure. I'm sorry, I'm just a little shaken."

Them: "We called your house as well."

Me: "Oh right."

Them: "Your dad says you don't have a grandfather."

ME: "Oh right..."

They let me have the day off. I didn't have to go back either. Quality.

(nathanjohnston, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:08, archived)

Similar -

When 17/18, my mate and I built a skateboard ramp and ran it as a sort of business. (Really, he did it all, and a few of us basked in the reflected glory, but hey).

Anyway, we used to have a rota for opening up this warehouse on a Saturday afternoon, and "supervising" the kids. For supervising read "encouraging to try ever more dangerous and stupid tricks".

One Saturday, it was my turn. The ramp was supposed to be open at 3pm, but round about 12pm, a few of my other friends offered my some shrooms of the magic variety, and we merrily brewed in the region of 300 each. Which is a lot.

About 2pm, somehow I remembered that I had to open these ramps, and it became my mission to remember to do it. However, the problem was that I didn't have the key, my mate Tommy (the one who *really* built it) had the key. But where to find Tommy?

In my Hallucinogenic Wisdom, after phoning his mum (which was fiucking wierd on shrooms) and him not being there, I decided to go to my folks house, to see if he had dropped the key off there.

Heavily tripping, I walked into the house and greeted my combined family, who were sitting down to a family meal at the time, with the following:

take a deep breathHave you seen Tommy?Has Tommy Phoned? I need to see Tommy, he's got the keys! Have *you* got the keys? I need to see Tommy... has Tommy phoned? Has Tommy phoned? No, I guess he probably hasn't. Right I'd best go try to find him. See you later. Bye!release breath, and leave the house rapidly

I left the house and me and my mates literally ran away. To the safety of the skateboard ramp warehouse, where we found Tommy sitting there supervising the ramp. When he realised I didn't have the key, he'd decided to open up himself, since that's where he probably would have spent Saturday anyway.

My parents thought I'd just been drinking, and I've never sought to disillusion them. It's a great druggy story down the pub, though!

(weedom, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:01, archived)

Another similar story...

Me and the missus double dropped some snowflakes (back in good ol' 96) and were happily tripping our tits off. We went to her house to watch telly etc. Shortly after we arrived her mum came home, walked through the front door and said hello. Then another version of her mum walked in and stood next to her mum, and again said hello. I got up screamed and ran full pelt into the french windows at the other end of the room. Got up off the floor then ran past the two versions of her mum through the front door and off down the road.

Turns out it was her mum and very similar looking aunt.

bumsocks.

(guest_account, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 10:19, archived)

Root Beer

Why did they stop selling it in McDonalds?

(wonderstuff, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 5:53, archived)

Not quite a lie but...

Some time ago, my partner was talking about “purity tests” that she had completed while at college – these are basically a serious of questions about your sexual experience and they give you a score relating to how “pure” you are.

Intrigued by this, I designed a test on excel that required you to fill in EVERY thing you had ever done and how many times and with how many people! At the end of the test was a button that would print out a “Certificate of Purity” – basically a decorative document saying “you are #% pure”. However, the decoration on the document was compiled of a series of symbols that related to the answers put in…and of course, I had the code.

I then created a website with the test on, anonymously e-mailed the existence of the site to my partner and lo and behold, a few days later, she proudly presented me with a certificate saying she was 81% pure!!

After she’d gone to bed I decoded the certificate. Man, female’s lie!!!

The problem is, I’m now armed with all this information but can never use it!

(wot no booze!, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:13, archived)

Problem with that is....

....girls lie to themselves as much as us...

...so she's probably worse than you think ;-)

(Gordonzola, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 3:11, archived)

Ooh, just remembered another one

I once convinced a mate that in Olden Times, hamsters travelled in packs and could devour a cow in two minutes.

The same friend was also convinced that if you sent fruit or vegetables through the post then you had to pay Carrot Tax.

I really wish I was making this up, but he was *very* gullible...

(

jonnybear Jonnybear, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:20, archived)

I wanted to buy a torch...

...when I was about 7 to read under the sheets when I went to bed, but my pocket money wasnt enough to cover it. I had found a torch that I really wanted but it was a bit dear. Handily enough, I had also found my granny's penny jar, except she only collected 20p pieces for some reason. I started small, taking the odd one here and there to buy a packet of Fives or a Frozen, nothing noticable, but after a while I decided to take the plunge and grab enough cash to cover the torch, seeing as the money was there and I hadnt got caught. So I got my granny to take me out for a bit then asked her to take me to the shop where the torches were sold. I took the torch to the counter and paid for it in 20p's, while she watched. Except it was about £1.40 or something and I produced a handful of coins. When questioned where all this money came from, I tried to convince her that there was an alley round near my house that had loads of 20p's lying around all over the ground and that I had simply been collecting enough of them until I had enough for the torch. We got home, my granny checked her jar, half of it was missing, she called my dad and I got a good hard slapping for my trouble. Worst thing is, they took the torch back as well.

(nathanjohnston, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

I had these two Irish flatmates. Nice guys ...

.. but they hadn't seen that much tech stuff growing up in Cork.

I convinced them an old ZX81 was TV remote control.

(

rob, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:10, archived)

Had a pair of guys turn up once...

...at my flat, one a punk on speed, the other was basically catweelze.

The had a big bag with them, and were celebrating. They'd recently broken into offices down the road and stolen all of the computers, without monitors.

Their joy was cruelly cut short by yours truly once they had emptied their booty over my living room floor.

They had stolen VDU keyboards - as my Amiga (the only computer they'd ever seen) was all built into the keyboard, weren't all computers like that?

They dumped them in my garden, shortly before returning to the offie to see if they could get the money back on half a bottle of wine.

(Gordonzola, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 3:15, archived)

I once

convinced a mate that before the days of roadsigns Port Talbot was originally called Port Tal and when the (English)sign painter came down he'd forgotten what the place was called, asked a local, who replied "Port Tal, but".

(cymrococh, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:29, archived)

Soup

Just started new Job. And was put up in posh hotel for a two week induction/brainwash. Sitting down for dinner with fellow new employees when starter was brought to our table. With this there where half a dozen finger bowels(warm water slice of lemon for cleaning purposes). Employee A asked what they were. 'Soup' I said, they then procced to eat tasty lemon flavoured water. Until laughter broke out.

(

BindiBaji, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:20, archived)

"Finger bowels"?

Ugh. Wouldn't catch me drinking out of bowels...
;P

(

monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:38, archived)

Opps...

Don't knock it till u've tried it. All that there bum gravy.

(

BindiBaji, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 15:20, archived)

Geography

I talked my girlfriend into believing that Dracula came from Pennsylvania. This halloween was not her best...

(diessel, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 12:48, archived)

i told the police

I didn't kill her

(

DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 13:03, archived)

bionic arm

I once knew a 30 yr old guy who told my friend that he had a bionic arm. He also used to say that he had an evil twin with the same name as him who lived in the same town. Thereby excusing him from more embarassing sightings of him in a state of inebriation.

(Minglush, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 14:50, archived)

this didn't actually happen to me...

but to a mate of mine when we were about 15.
We both went to quite a posh school and their punishments for even the most menial things were pretty severe. For example, getting to school late more than three times in a term gave you a detention. As you can imagine there was quite a large group of 'regulars' at detention of friday.
Anyhoo.... so this mate of mine, having served many many detentions allready that term saunters into school about 1/2 an hour late and bumps into the head of year. Like a flash he's lying his arse off before he realises what he's doing. He tells the teacher that while waiting for the bus someone tried to get him into their car. He managed to fight them off but the shock of it made him late for school.
The teacher goes nuts. Phones the lads parents and the police.
To cut a(n all ready) long story short, the lad had to take a police line up, pretending he couldn't identify the attacker cause his memory was blocked because of the shock.
He got 3 weeks off school to 'recover', forced into weekly therapy to help him come to term with his traumatic experiance and got a hartfelt mention in the school magazine at the end of the year.
plonker!

(guest_account, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 15:27, archived)

I once saw a photo

of some elephants bathing off Aberystwyth beach. I pointed it out to a female friend saying it was the sole survivors of a travelling circus boat that got shipwrecked off the African coast. Unfortunately all the African tigers, the last few in the world drowned, but the lucky elephants being such strong swimmers made it all the way to Wales with the assistance of the gulf stream only to be shot by the Welsh as sea dragons

Poor K**** was heartbroken at the plight of the tigers, massivly impressed by the elephants swimming skills and disgusted at her country folk.

she has a really important job in the treasury now, scarey innit?

(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 16:46, archived)

If this gets read by the wrong people

I am probably dead.

Way back (1995) I was a bit of a slaaag at university and was nobbing my way through a few girlies.

One afternoon I arranged to meet up with a girl (Who shall be known as S) back at my house and then go out on the town.

That evening I whent out and got more rat arsed than I have in a long time. I woke up late the next morning with one of the S's mates in my bed. Looking at the time I realised that S was actually turning up VERY SOON. I motivated S's friend out of the sack and tried to encourage her to leave. Unfortunately she got comfy on the sofa and talked to my housemates.
A bead of sweat trickled down my forehead as a knock came at the front door. Surely enough, there stood S at my front door, looking randy.

I did the only responsible thing.

I lied.

Making rapid amorous advances I managed to get S into the bedroom, saying it was 'more private'.

Telling her I was getting a drink I then whent back to her friend in the lounge. She was sat there, asking 'Who was at the front door?'
'Oh a package from my mum' answered I. Rapidly realising that I might not get out of this situation with my bollocks.

I then got my housemate (D) to get talking to the friend and get her out the back and down the side alley, which bless him, he did.

At the moment she left the room S walked in wandering where I was.

'Sorry, hungover and a bit, you know, muddled.'

S actually accepted this explanation, at this stage I was doing a good impression of bewildered.

We then got a bit mucky and whent to the bedroom.

Upon which she found a pair of tights.

clearly not mine.

'Whose are these?'

'Oh their one of the housemates, she was drying them on my radiator. Fancy that, they fell on the floor.'

To this day I feel guilty.

Still, she was a crap shag anyway...

(

Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:02, archived)

This one time, at band camp...

once i stole an R2D2 toy off my cousin because i really wanted one and he had two of them.
then when we got home i got out of the car and ran round the corner, then slyly dropped the R2 unit onto the floor and told my mum and dad that i'd found it!

i still feel guilty.

(

bigshape like a glove!, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:14, archived)

nice mate

Not by me but aimed at me. About 8 years ago i was a bit down on my luck so my mates parents said i could stay at theirs (as my mate was off travelling i could have his room) anyway, i lived there for about 18 months in the end.After i moved out i would often go and visit but one day i felt very unwelcome. I stopped visiting and kept asking my mate what was wrong? he "wasnt sure" and kept making excuses. Anyway one night i went out for a drink with his sister, after we both got a bit drunk she told me what had happened. Apparently my friends mum had found a small folded "wrap" in his room with some white powder in (he used to enjoy a sniff)so he lept to his defence with "its not mine, it must have been left by x!" B**stard, all this time.

(Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:39, archived)

A little knowledge....

When I was about 12 I started learning about electicity and magnetism etc in Physics. Well, one day when we were bored, I convinced my elder brother that it would be interesting to see whether you could change the polarity of a compass by passing an alternating current through it.

We had a small metal compass (probably bought when we were cub scouts) and an old, broken desk lamp. We cut the flex off the lamp, leaving a plug and about 3 foot of flex. We separated the live and neutral strands, baring about a quarter inch of wire. Then, very carefully, we put the compass on the floor, plugged in the wire and switched on, then touched the wires to either side of the compass.

There was a massive spark, a bang, and all the power in the house went off, including all the lights.

I can't remember what the hell we told our mum, but it can't have been the truth, cos we're still alive!

Same brother, few year on:
He was about 17, me about 15 and our little bro would have been 11. Big bro had been out muchrooming and had a bag with about a dozen psilocybin in it. We were already a little stoned (normal state in those days) when he decided to eat the mushrooms - folks had gone out for evening.

To help them go down easier, he'd made some toast and honey, and was munching on this while eating the mushrooms. At this moment, little bro' walks in on us:

"What are you eating?" says the bright little fella,
"Mushrooms"
"Why are you eating toast and honey?"
"I don't like the taste of the mushrooms"

Pause....

"Then why are you eating them?" ah, bless. The innocence of youth.

Sorry about the lack of lies...I used to be a really good bullshitter, honest.

My speciality was telling pointless lies, e.g. I once told someone that my cousin lived next door to Roger Daltry. I also say stupid things like, I was once roady for a punk band called The Inept, and when people say 'Really' I say, no, they were really called The Fuglemen.

Crap like that.
"Wh

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

Local bye-laws...

As a teenager I was on a school exchange programme so I had a kid from France staying with me and the folks over summer. One weekend I took him to the local town to show him around, and the poor kid desperately needed to piss, so I managed to convince him that there was a local bye-law that you could ask any policeman on the streets for his hat to pee into if you got caught short. And so he asked one of the coppers, who laughed. A lot. He didn't believe anything else I said for the rest of the summer while he was over. Weird that...

(bedsitmartyr : Doctor of Bottles, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 18:08, archived)

/wipes tear

*giggle*

(nubby, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:48, archived)

A little too much wine

one evening led to me downing a large glass of corked wine - effectively drinking vinegar. This, combined with the regular hangover meant I was throwing up all the next day (until 10pm). I had arranged to meet my grandparents that afternoon and they phoned to confirm, but I was feeling too rough to get out of bed, and hoped they would just assume I had forgotten. Somehow, however, they managed to get into my college (supposedly closed to keep tourists out and let us work), work out where my flat was, and the next thing I know they were knocking on my door! I told them I had food poisoning from the restaurant and then had to stand there, feeling rubbish, lying to the sweetest, most honest people I know while they looked concerned and hoped I felt better soon.

And the worst of it? My grandmother had just recently been quizzing me about 'all this binge drinking business in the news recently' and commenting on how she couldn't see why anyone would want to do that to themselves.

I was in full agreement with her for 48 hours after that.

(fooki girl, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 18:23, archived)

Second hand

All dates from when I was at university ca. 1990. I can't remember the names of the protaganists so we'll call them Will and Richard. Oh hang on, that was their names. They're in the same hall of residence together.

One day Will borrows Richard car and drives across campus to go and visit someone in another hall. Richard walks across campus with a spare set of keys and drives his car back. Will comes out, car gone, walks back and apologises to Richard who gives him the whole "you fucker, it wasn't insured for theft etc." thing for the rest of the day before letting him in on the joke. Will laughs it off, and plans his revenge.

About two weeks later Will walks into Richards room with an ounce of grass he's just bought and skins up. They are sitting smoking a spliff when there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" says Richard as they open windows and chucking the gear into a drawer. "The police," comes the reply. Richard opens the door and they come in, telling him they suspect he's been dealing in dope. The "police" are in fact two friends of Will from back home. One is in uniform and one is in plain clothes and look convincing (so convincing that at least one other person in hall flushes his grass down the toilet).

Anyway, the "police" find the gear in the drawer and tell Richard they are arresting him and Will for possession with intent. Richard is really worried at this point, and happily blabbing that the grass is Will's. The "police" have none of it and escort them from the building. Just as they get out the front of the hall, Will makes a run for it from the "police" and jumps into a car which his friend Mike is (all planned) just pulling into the car park with. Richard is yelling at Will not to be a fool etc.

Will peels off at high speed, and the "police" and Richard get into another car and race off after them.

One "high speed pursuit" later ends up at a village pub where all is revealed to Richard.

(

shavedchimp something something oranges something, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 18:27, archived)

The Longest Lie

It was the time of the the second Gulf War and I was disgruntled with work and I'd used up all my holiday entitlement. I had a brainwave. Why not say I'm a member of the T.A. and say I got called up to go to the Gulf. Through a series of hoax emails and paperwork I got two months off of work, all paid for. While my work colleagues thought I was being Laurence of Arabia I was in actual fact staying with my cousin in Spain. To this day no one has ever caught on.

(Filth #Wagon, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 19:13, archived)

That's truly amazing.

Quite frankly, with the amount of work that must have gone into that you deserve the time off.
Although I think you'll be found out in the end, something along the lines of "All Gulf War veterans must take so and so vaccination right now."

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 1:00, archived)

Not really that terrible a lie but quite funny all the same.

There were six of us or so out that night in Worcester, aiming to go to The Music Room to continue our evening's drinking. Tradgically, as we approached the internal doors leading up to the club, they closed on us and we were kindly asked to go outside and queue there. The queue was massive.

The reason we picked The Music Room was because there's no dress code*. I was clad in dark blue jeans, a dicey propesition in front of any bouner round here whilst Dave was very definitely in a pair of light blue jeans, popular with many a 50 year old Status Quo fan. His shirt was on the dirty side too although to be fair, he had just travelled up from London.

Leaving O'Neils as we were, I recounted a story how in Ibiza, some English birds had gone up to Dave and asked him, very slowly where a certain hotel was. They thought he was German and were most shocked to find out otherwise.

One of our group decided that we could vary this misconception and try it on with the bouncers of a swanky club. We joined a rather long queue whilst Mike went up and explained that there were two Germans amongst us who were unaware of the dress code and were'nt properly attired. One went off to see the manager who said that we should be pointed out and would be given entry.

As we approached the bouncers, we put on some fake accents and just before we got the phrase "sorry lads, you're not dressed proper for in here", Mike pointed out that we were the Germans.

The manager was only there to greet us personally and usher us into his club. We even had to use the phrase "no, no, no, please speak English because it's zee only vay ve vill learn". It was a very tense few minutes keeping up the pretence but we pulled it off and fell about laughing when we were a safe distance inside.

Other than that, I've had quite an angellic little life.

* the bars and clubs in Worcester are by and large very poncey places and everybody is dressed to kill

(

whelkboy is old now, you see, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 20:27, archived)

Club entry is a strange thing.

A similar kind of story, except perhaps without the 'lie' thing. Last year I lived next door to a student from the Emirates (rich Arab chap, not quite a prince but he had a Corvette so I'm imagining his family were into oil or somesuch.) Anyway, last year he invited a friend, who also speaks good English, up to stay for a few days. He will be known as Student B. Students being students they decided to go to a club, and rich students being rich students they decided to do a few lines of coke each beforehand.
Sure enough, they get to the club. Cambridge clubs are awful but there's still the inevitable queue outside whilst the bouncers frisk people (for what? Banned research papers?) and so such. Student B is still under the influence of cocaine. Without consulting with Student A, he walks right up to the bouncers. "Excuse me," he says indignantly. "I want to get into this club. But I don't want to queue." He then proceeds to pull his wallet out and starts flipping credit cards at the poor doorman, whilst shouting stuff along the lines of "I will buy this club then! Do you want me to buy this club?" The manager then came out and, unbelieveably enough, let both of them in.
Not sure what happened to the credit cards.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 1:13, archived)

Not me but my sister....

My sister came home from London for a weekend with a friend of hers to stay with me here in Devon.

Her friend is looking around my house, and comments on how I've got electricity and running water..

"yeeeesssss" says me, noticing my sister grinning.

Turns out she told her friend that most of Devon and Cornwall aren't connected to the electricity yet, nor have running water, and that people do their laundry in the river banging their clothes on rocks.

She was utterly convinced.

Didn't let on, of course..

(inflateable, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 20:50, archived)

Home Economics

When i was at school i hated Home Economics and never did the homework or prepared for the lesson. So to get out of the lesson once i faked a stomach ache. only i faked it so well they called an ambulance and took me to hospital. By this time i was crapping my self coz i couldnt just say ooops wasnt that bad afer all!!! The head mistress raced after the ambualance and called my parents out of work. It all went a bit far when the doctor told them he thought it was a grumbling appendix and that it should come out!!!!

(crispie, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 22:08, archived)

Unoriginal but meh...

I've done the standard wind up of persuading people that Dihydrous Monoxide is poisonous a few times (H2O....)

(ChowRiit, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 22:55, archived)

I've got a new twist on the Convienient Grandparent Death Syndrome

When I was a Manchester Uni I was flunking my first year pretty hard. I managed to get several extensions by phoning up, pretending to be in a state of shock and whimpering ...I dont mean to bother you, but one of my Grandparents just died....
Unfortunatly I was mashed pretty much constantly and didn't keep count, eventually I got a phone call from the admissions office who sensitivly said "We're very sorry to hear about your Grandparent, but we have it on record that all your grandparents are deceased...and they all died since september. Could you come in and discuss this."
Sneaky bastards kicked me out at the end of the year!

(Edmundushumungus, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 23:09, archived)

Also...

When my little sister asked me why sheep were good hillside farming animals for her GCSE Geography project I told her that conwieniently all sheep have two legs shorter on one side so they can stand up straight on hills!
The funny thing is that she wrote it in her project and handed it in, when it came back marked I had never seen so many red rings around one sentence, along with comments like "NO!!!" and "WHICH IDIOT TOLD YOU THIS?".

It was me :)

(Edmundushumungus, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 23:21, archived)

Reminds me of a story

My mate (Jon) is an air cadet... Not one of the arrogant arseholes that they tend to be thankfully. Due to the cowboy nature of the US armed forces, he has no time for them.

Anyway, the MOD and "Old Liz" as he calls her (the Queen), payed for a trip for a bunch of the cadets to Sweden for a few days. There they saw SAAB griffin fighters etc. (I think that's what they're called.) It was an international affair with many country's representitives there. My mate is welsh and can speak the language and had several stories the Americans were all lapping up.

Some may be aware of this but the Americans think the rest of the world live in shanty town in the North of France drinking each other's urine for nourishment (or something similar anyway). On one occasion one of them was talking about call forwarding on phones and how they had technology we "could only dream of". So Jon says we lead the world in pastoral genetics. How sheep have been bred to have longer legs on one side to graze the hills.
"That's all very well... but I don't believe you" says one of the American contingient. "How do you store them when it's winter? When they have to come off the hillside?"
Without breaking stride, Jon claims there is a Welsh company called Stiltei, who make stilts for sheep. These are strapped to our ovine friends when the time comes to take them in. Jon also suggested he look up the stock when he gets home 'cos they're really gonna take off in the US.
The US cadet bought right into it... He was never told the truth and probably asked a broker to look into 'Stiltei' stock. Hmmmm. A demand for stock? Who wants to form a fake company and con millions of brokers?

(Hey Jonny, Park! Fluffeh Pleece, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 8:42, archived)

I myself have a habit

of making absolutely ridiculous, completely transparent lies throughout the day, to the point where I find myself at a loss when someone believes me.

Of course, this means that my family won't believe anything even remotely questionable that I say.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Thu 27 Nov 2003, 23:52, archived)

I'm having an affair with b3ta

\unlurk

I saw this somewhere and it amused me enough to use it on my own kids.
"When the ice cream van is playing music it means they've run out.."

\relurk

(HONG KONG KUI, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 2:34, archived)

'Music Vans' y'mean!

as I was informed by my parents for the first many years of my life that they simply drove about playing music. The vans parked up selling ice-cream looked similar, but were completely different.

If only... everyone'd be so much happier!
I was so gullible.

(elhoy is off to re-lurk., Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:45, archived)

oh, your mum...

...told you that one as well?
I though it was just me and my bro who got fed that line. By the time I'd figured it out (aged 6 I think), I had plucked up the courage to nick 10p from my mum and find one of these vans which was at the corner of our road. I came back into the garden 10 minutes later, still eating the ice cream in quite a self satisfied way (mainly because I had one and my brother didn't) and my mum enquired quite sharply as to where I'd got it, and where the money had come from. She knew I had no money because, well, I was 6, and she looked after all pocket/birthday money for me.
Needless to say, I didn't get a chance to finish the ice cream once the words of my first 'fat whopper of a lie' had passed my lips:
"I found the money" I said.
"Where?"
"Um... In a bush"
"How did you find it?" This was not going my way; I could feel that my mum had a firmer grip on the situation than I did, and I needed a trump card to get me out of this hunt for the truth. Something.... big. I mean BIG! It's amazing how, even as a 6 year old, I was able to identify a concept, rule, situation that my mother would never ever question. I had it! I knew that, being christians (well, I knew my mum was, I wasn't so sure I was, even then), that my mum would never question the word of the Lord.
"God showed me where it was" I said, pleased that the answer to my declining siuation had turned up bang on time.
....Oh how we laugh now, looking back on that fateful August afternoon in 1977, the sound of protests and wailing, the slapping of a very devious small boy's bottom just a faint suburban echo, distant and faded...

Needless to say, the immortal 2Just wait til your father gets home.." line weas used also, although as you've alrrady guessed I didn't have to wait for his return to get my punishment. I think that the worst of it was being totally humilliated in front of my brother, dropping the ice cream and gettinga double punishment, once for stealing, and another for lying.
So, I learned my lesson? Actually, I'm training to be a solicitor now, so make up your own mind...

(doctor sideburns, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 13:46, archived)

Bakeries

I was walking past a bakery with an ex-girlfriend, and there were public works going on outside, so there was a load of white powder from where the workmen were cutting the concrete. I told her they were repairing the pipes they used to pump flour into the bakery, and she believed me, for about 20 minutes.

First Post, long time lingerer.

(Beroni, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 3:14, archived)

The correct term

is Lurker, my dear boy.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 5:58, archived)

I have to say

Lingerer has a certain ring to it though.

Hmmm, thinking about it a Lingerer would be the kind of person who publically says they are leaving (often citing various teen-angst related reasons for doing so) then hangs about waiting for the attention their pathetic post has attracted.

(

Jay, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 9:20, archived)

mmm...

Didn't really think about it. I guess I just thought of it as another term for hanging around, which it is. People get a little wrapped up in the whole webspeak thing to point of dreariness. Why limit the language? I thought. While I like your definition of lingerer (how about malingerer?), I do find it so bothersome to be corrected - dear boy.

(Beroni, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 14:26, archived)

Lies

A mate of mine uses this line/lie when he's trying to pick up girl's. But be warned, this is only good if they've had a few drinks, or are clearly IQ challenged.

99% of the time, the girl will ask my mate (at some stage) what he does for work. His reply, and completely straightfaced, is that he is the person who paints the big black lines on the bottom of 50 metre-plus swimming pools. But he has to do this job after the pool has already been filled with water. Its a classic watching the girls mentally struggle trying to figure it out. Eventually they ask why he doesn't paint the line before the pool is filled. His reply is that if that happened, then he'd be out of a job! Again it usually takes a minut or two for the girls in question to mull this over. Believe it or not he has actually picked up a few times using this.

Another job he 'has' is being a turtle breeder, but he hasn't scored once using this...

(Wally, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 5:03, archived)

We used to use 1 of 2 pick-up lines

but these only seem to work in posh towns like Wilmslow etc:
1)
Girl: what do you do then:
You: you know those white mile stones you see on the side of the road every now and again? well I check there accurate and re-paint them!

2)
Girl: what do you do then:
You: you know when your driving along and there's some temporary roadwork's and there's some bloke with a sign that says 'STOP' and 'GO' that's what I do!

As I said these only seem to work in posh towns, god knows why but the girls seem to like a bit of rough

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 8:28, archived)

I went through a similar 1-year phase of

making up jobs

I think tube-driver was the most fun for some reason (you just pess 'stop' and 'go' - easy!).

And it's amazing what some women tell you if you tell them you're a Gynaecologist.

(8-Ball, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:30, archived)

Chat Up Lines

Got a few dates once by saying that for a job I was a:

1. Spirit Level Bubble Inserter
2. Dolphin Trainer
3. Biscuit Designer

God I was pathetic....

(guest_account, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:34, archived)

I dunno

I quite like the sound of biscuit designer.

I think I'll add it to my repertoire.

(8-Ball, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:37, archived)

Biscuit Designer

Some retard actually believed that I was the person responsible for the holes in the outside of Bourbons and that I had a patent on it...

(guest_account, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

jobs

For some reason when drunk i do this a lot.

I managed to convince people that I was a Cardiothoracic Surgeon once, then told them I was 21 (not a lie), they started questioning how I managed to be a surgeon at such a young age, told them I was a bit like Dogie Howser.

Also after falling over a lot when drunk one night, told the guy I was with not to worry about my falling over because I was a trained stunt woman and knew how to fall without hurting myself.

(moo_girl, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:52, archived)

I have said

that I'm a cutlery designer before now. That has worked as it has the bonus of probably being a real job.

On the back of it I have actually got some innovative cutlery designs if anyone's interested.

(cymrococh, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 10:51, archived)

Break discs..

I once told my housemates that she could stop the breaks on her car from squealing by greasing the discs. I 'fessed up to my lie before she actually did it tho'.

(steve_c, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 10:57, archived)

Quim

I got a job in IT purely for the quim.

(bblac didnt get the new job booo rotten bastards, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:06, archived)

Get the brigade!

My brother told me that throwing sparklers through the air just before they go out make them look like missiles or something. So naturally, being 5 at the time, and inquizitive and a pyromaniac i nicked some super sparklers from my Dads shed and went out into the garden.

Our garden over looked a collection of poor kids' houses below us that were covered in leaves and dry trees, this was when I lived in Mexico i should add. So anyway I light a sparkler and throw it off the back wall immediately, and watch the fizzing light plop ontop of one of the condo's. Cool. Except the leaves started to burn too. Then The roof. Then the adjoining trees. Which then set the other Condo on fire. It wasn't until the fifth house was on fire and after I had actually pissed my pants that I went inside to hide. After five minutes of watching Spiderman i heard my mum running inside the house, crying, shouting get the brigade. We all sat outside watching all hell brake loose. Mum and sis cried. Fire engines were late. No-one died but six houses burned down.

No-one to this day knows I did this.....

Oh the lie was I told my mum that I saw a couple of the simple kids burning a newspaper....Don't know why I said newspaper though.

(guest_account, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:18, archived)

holy S(HIT!!!

that's heavy

(8-Ball, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:38, archived)

ok - crap lie which worked very well

On a skiing holiday in Austria about 10 years ago with 3 mates, we were in the local club and told this group of girlies that we were record producers called Donatello, Leonardo, Michaelangelo and Raphael.

They believed us and we all copped off!

(Daylami, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:01, archived)

My First job in IT

ended with me being fired -

We had three VDU girls, the last of which was engaged to be married. Over the course of 6 months I shagged the first two (at work, rock on), but got sacked for shagging the last.

Not because she was getting married, but because my boss had wanted to shag her.

I learned valuable lessons from this, and proceeded to shag my bosses' girlfriend in my next job.

(Gordonzola, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 3:33, archived)

Work... or not

I think I've got the art of faking working down to a T now. I sit with a file in front of me, glancing down every now and again, as I type this.

Only trouble is, my manager can see my monitor from where she sits so I have to be careful when she's around. Fortunately she's off today.

I'm wondering if I can skive off this afternoon to get my tattoo touched up by saying my Girlf. needs picking up from the station.

Borrred now.

(minister of heresy, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 11:33, archived)

Homework lies

were my speciality. I once went 3 months without doing a shred of work in or out of class in History because I told the teacher (who was not too bright looking back) that my Aunt had borrowed my schoolbooks to see how I was getting on. This lasted for a month or so, then I told teach my family had had a huge fallout and my mum was tryng to negotiate the return of said books. Daft cow swallowed it, and then when things were getting really dodgy I told her my Aunt was refusing, so she arranged for me to have a couple of days off to catch up. Beauty. 3 month's work done in 2 days. Who says school's a waste of time.

(themightyginge, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:06, archived)

Computer Homework

I.T. lessons didn't exist until my third year at secondary school, by which time I was programming on the C64.

Our lessons consisted of stuff like 'dry running' BASIC programs (laughable even then). I therefore did the homework program in 30secs, and sold it to the illiterate blasphemers that made up my class.

The first time, we all got detention for having the same homework, and I got a beating.

After that, I'd do 4 versions of the same homework/ program, and sell those.

However I was so contemptuous of my teachers (who were all in the I.T. stone age) that I never handed in my own, thereby dropping out of the O level class and failing even my CSE.

(Gordonzola, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 3:41, archived)

you

need this

www.ghostzilla.com/

"So sneaky, you can surf right in front of your boss and s/he won't suspect a thing."
-- TechTV

(lord Roystarn, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 12:19, archived)

Free Lecy

The biggest lie I ever told was to the accounts department of a certain electricity supplier. I'd was renting a room in a shared house and everyone chipped in a set amount each month to a bills account , after a year I realised that we'd never had an electricity bill, when I asked the people who'd been in the house for four years they told me they'd never actually seen an elecrticity bill either. Didn't really pay much attention to it until we recieved one from the new energy supplier who had taken over in our area. We owed £2,800!!! Plums!! However the bill was addressed to 'The occupier' and there was no date from when the bill started or ended. After moaning about the bill at work a few people told me they were in the same situation, hadn't had a bill for ages and then a nameless bill for a huge amount. Sounded like the billing database had screwed up. As we we're all pretty skint we decided to try and blag it. I called up and told them we'd been in the house for four months and gave false names, should have really got them sorted before I called, I was sniggering when I gave the spelling of the last false name. Amazingly they bought it and we ended up paying £80.

Every envelope from the leccy company we got from then on I was sure was a court summons. Even had a dream about baliffs coming round and carting me off in handcuffs. So glad I moved out...

(Muz, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 14:00, archived)

I was once

questioned about a load of deaths that happened on a boat in America somewhere. I faked a limp and pretended to be retarded and the man investigating the case believed me. Just as I was walking out of the police station a fax arrived with my face on it which proved that it was me all along, and the man looked at the notice board in the office and figured out my lies were based on the stuff on the board. and he dropped his coffee mug. don't ask me how i know this.

(hnnrs, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 13:48, archived)

Usual Suspects

That was a good film.

Got it on DivX... 'cept the picture keeps turning green and then clearing again... Ever seen Spacey with a blotchy green face?... Er... anyway... This has nothing to do with this thread.

(Hey Jonny, Park! Fluffeh Pleece, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 13:52, archived)

hmmm....

When I was about...hmmm 9 or 10, I was invited to a birthday party at the cinema. Being the complete and utter GOON of my school, this was an incredibally big thing for me, I thought myself lucky to be invited.
On the day of the party, I had got up really early and patiently stood by the door with my tutu on (coz I thought it would make me look beautiful) and waited for my mum who insisted on having a looooong bath before coming with my grandad in the rusty old YELLOW mini to drop me off. The party was at 12:00pm. It was already 12:20. I was frantic, she knew today was my big day, for people to see beyond the geek and see my nice, sweet, kinda funny side. I had all the conversations already planned out in my head. Eventually she rushed down the stairs, in her PYJAMAS saying "C'mon, you dont want to be late now do you?!" I was crying and crying in the car, my grandad would drive so slow cyclists would overtake him, but then he'd speed up when we came to a mini roundaboutor speed bumps. We eventually got to the cinema, my mum had to get out of the car (in her PYJAMAS) to let me out. I ran over complete with bright pink tutu and red puffy eyes.Everyone was standing outside the cinema, looking like drowned rats. APparently, the girls mum had insisted on waiting for me (I think she made the girl invite me) Needless to say, we missed the film, everyone glared at me, they were so angry. I burst into tears (again) "My...my Cat died!" I cried. I thought I'd got away with it as they were being so nice to me.
But then, my mum came to collect me (this was her time to show everyone that she was a proper mother who did things that proper mothers did) and started talking to the girls mum. "Im, Im sorry to hear that your cat's died" said my friends mum. My mother burst into tears, thinking it was true. She had a bit of a shock when the cat strolled in alive and well when we got home.

(away_with_the_fairies, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

not very good, but...

i once convinced half my class at school i had a pet platypus. i have no idea why. this went on for about a year of telling everyone about what 'bob' was doing and how he swam round his tank, before i got bored and admitted it.

i think my worst and most outrageous was telling my parents i was going to a 3 hour performance of faust with fingerpuppets, when i was really going to a punk gig. the bad part being that they believed this crap...

(gingerrgoth, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 15:55, archived)

lies

you know the 'lazy' song by expess 2 or whatever they were called. well, you know the bit in the song where there is a caogh. i had my ex beleive is was a guest vocal by shaggy. had her going for months, she even told her friends

another one, with the same girl. 'sing for the moment' - eminem, my friend and i had her convinced the female vocalist for the chorus was infact little bow wow.

(Malt Monkey, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

Erm

The female vocalist being that bloke out of Aerosmith, as it was taken from an Aerosmith song. Not very female really.

(Ginger_fish_, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 22:03, archived)

Speaking of lies

Which this whole thing is about, so it's probably good that I'm posting it here...

When I was at primary School there was this lassie who was a total bitch to everyone. She used to bully the kids in the classes below us and she really was a piece of work. Ugly as feck and a personality to match. Anyway, one day, 3 people in my class had a go at her at home-time (school words are fun!). She managed to run away, but me and my brother were at the gate. We heard her coming, screaming and all. "get out of my effing way!!" So, me being a genlteman, grabbed her and held her while my brother proceeded to make her shins look like broken curly wurlies. After she collapsed in tears, we ran away.

On the way home, me and my brother got into a wee scuffle and I lamped him right in the arm. Massive bruise ensues.

So, back home, there's a knock at the door. This lassie is still in tears, with her mum looking like fury personified.

Me and my brother watched behind my mum as the scowly mum said "YOUR ROTTEN KIDS DONE THIS TO MY WEE GIRL" (who by the way, was about 12 stone at the time). I instantly piped up "He only done it because he done this to us!" My brother revealed his bruise, and I showed some old bruises and scars.

The woman apologised and on the way down the path, she hit the lassie about 5 times around the head. It looked really sore, but I couldn't stop laughing when we closed the door. She never came to school the rest of that week. Guilt would have been there had it not been for the fact she deserved it. Boot.

(stav999999, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 16:40, archived)

Little fibbs

I once told my mate that the reason the cash point took ages to spit out the money wuz becuz it had to allow time for the ink on the notes to dry. He still believes me an hes 20 now!

(guest_account, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 16:49, archived)

Lies lies lies

I was seven and my next door neighbour and I, in complete innocence (really) we though we'd go and make ourselves some cash.

We went round all the houses on our estate with him dressed in a pair of green tights and my Robin Hood hat, dancing around to the sound of the tambourine he was banging; whilst I stood holding out my cap saying we were collecting for the blind......
......unfortunately we got caught out when I left the cap in the kitchen and was duly quizzed by my mum. She made me go round to each and every house returning exactly the money we took - one old guy let us keep his 6p donation. I still recall not being able to understand why it was wrong...

(GarpO'Th'Brow, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 17:04, archived)

Lieeeeeeesssss

(GarpO'Th'Brow, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 17:06, archived)

best lie by a 7 year old......ever!

When I was just 7 years old, I went to school one day with a little round transparent plastic container (like a petry dish) containing some manky old green soap (the things kids get up to eh!).

Anyway, I told my entire class that it was invisible cream...and sold little bits to all but 2 of my class-mates (who I remember to this day) in exchange for big wads of Star Wars cards.

The real piece-de-resistance was that I told everyone not to use the invisible cream until they had bought the antidote from me, or they would stay invisible....forever!

I was all set to become the Bill Gates of blue Star Wars cards...when a teacher cornered me in the playground and asked..."What's all this about invisible cream then?"

Needless to say I came clean...but being a proffessional...teach kindly wiped it off! (bom bom)

(

iodax, Fri 28 Nov 2003, 17:59, archived)

Several years ago

A mate of mine and I went out on the razz on our Christmas giros. After imbibing unhealthy quantities of fermented hydrocarbons we ended up in a happy (read: desperate) hour slinging back the Guinness in a dive of a pub.

After a while we attracted the attention of an old bloke who asked us what we did for a living. "Well, my name's Andre, and this here's Jorvik, and we're both Russian spies. You won't tell anyone, will you?"

So old bloke says no, to which my reply was "Good, 'cos Jorvik here can speak *sieben* different langvidges and kills people vis his eyebrows!"

We told him about Glorious Russian Tractor Factory where our parents worked; demonstrated our martial arts skills (involving much stumbling) and ended up being bought Vodka and Guinness by this old fellow.

Subsequently we pulled a couple of mingers, and proceeded off to the Arts centre. My mate was woken up in the toilets about 2am, by the cleaners. I'd left him to go off to a nightclub four hours previously.

And yes, this is 100% Fact.

(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 11:04, archived)

Sorry bout that!?

He He, this one still makes me laugh and simaltaneously cringe.
My mom and Dad had split up, (dont feel sorry for me, i used to have two Christmas's,) and thus visited my dad on weekends. My mom had recently started letting me go on this journey by myself and for some weeks id been pocketing the bus money and walking. this one week i took some time and my Mom phoned my dad somewhat concerned, when i finally arrived i told them that i hadnt paid enough for the journey and was kicked off the bus by the driver. Now my step dad was also a bus driver and unbeknown to me there was a very strict company policy against kicking kids of the bus, (i was about 14.) Anyway cut long story short, stepdad goes mad, have man from public bus company visit house to apologise, i start crying, (purely for dramatic effect you understand,) then a couple of weeks later we get word that the driver in questions lost his job! Anyway not proud of myself, (still,) but it was between his job and a beating from my mom and when youre 14 theres only one choice. Plus all my mates at school thought it was funny.

(loverat, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 14:36, archived)

First Year At School

when i was in my first year of school (i think i was about five) i told my teacher my dad had been ran over at the weekend.i was joking but she was that fuckin stupid she belived it. the whole class did get well soon cards for my dad and the teacher foned my mom to come and collect them. my mom went to the school and the first thing the teacher said is "im really sorry about your husband" my mom had to explain that my dad was fine and at work and i was a little bullshiter and to make things worse i got no poket money that week!!! fuckin parents!!!

(

bluntman, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 15:22, archived)

About to tell a fine lie!

My ex stupidly wrote to me to tell me that, as he alleges I have not delivered to him certain of his papers, he is witholding maintenance until further notice. He will soon be arrested for disobeying a court order, with this letter as evidence- no chance of arguing! Our daughter will get her money straight from his wages and he may even spend Xmas in prison.

This is all true, and the best bit is that if the ex still wants his trash he will have to get his solicitor to write to me about it.I will spin out the argument for a year or two at his expense, saying that I did send his papers, or perhaps he threw them away, or never had them in the first place, or I don't know what he's talking about.
It's only his first and masters degree certificates and all his university notes- all binned the week I kicked him out..........

(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

Wow

You really are scum.

(dcc251, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 16:04, archived)

Shit that's nasty

Why not just give him his certificates?
If he can't get a higher paid job cos he can't prove he has a degree it's your daughter who'll suffer

(

Number_6, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 3:08, archived)

You're

pondslime.

(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 15:10, archived)

well

i really hope you're proud of yourself.

(Obi Wan Jonobi, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 19:49, archived)

Have you

boiled his rabbit yet?

(phett, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 2:20, archived)

Lie

Boo you!

(

theWooinator, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 15:23, archived)

Worked at McD's

Got best mate job at McD's and told management that best mate was 'mentally impaired' (or somesuch PC term). When buddy appears for work he was somewhat bemused by the guided tour that pointed out how the chiller was cold but not as cold as the freezer. Then training begins as my boss says "Now, this is the till. We put the money in here"
Best mate very angry when I told him as he had to explain to all of his new colleagues that he was not at all backwards and the managers had been misled by me.

(castro, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 18:32, archived)

This One's Kinda Weird

Six months ago I met this girl and we've been together since. I told her I never had sex before (truth). After a few times fooling around and having sex, she said she was impressed and commented on my "skill." "Skill" came from years and years of watching porn. Anyway, weeks later, we got in some argument and out of anger I told her I lied and that she wasn't my first (lie). But actually, she was my first; I was just mad at her and wanted her to feel unspecial at that time. Anyway, we then patched things up, and accepts I've had sex before her. Some months later, we get into another argument and I tell her again she was my first, this time to make her feel special (truth). Of course she does not believe me for the longest time. Eventually she does, but our trust was damaged. Why did I do what I did? I don't know. What is the moral of the story? I guess most lies have a negative effect in the long run eh?

...ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. John 8:32

(guest_account, Sat 29 Nov 2003, 21:37, archived)

is that it?

ppl always lie about their sex life. dont beat urself up about it..
my biggest lie i was gonna spill as a best prank a month ago but i hadnt signed up with b3ta yet.
i like cats ok but i dont ADORE them. my boyfriend at that time LOVED them and he and i lived together and he had this st00pid cat he worshipped to the point of sick. this cat tore up all my stuff and did its business all over our place and coughed up pieces of things i dont care to recall. it attacked me every time i walked in a room and even bit me when i tried feeding it!
i finally had enuff one day and while boyfriend was at work, i saw the cat in its pan (for once) doing its thing and got an idea. once the cat left i scooped out the poo and took a dump in there myself! this good sized human turd in the kitty pan was GREAT!! i partially covered it and kinda forgot about it.
later that night he goes to scoop the pan like usual and i hear *oh my GOD!*. he comes in the room with the turd in the scoop and im about to bust laughing. he doesnt even say n e thing to me and goes right to the phone and calls the VET!! b4 i know it, hes got the turd in a bag, fluffy in the car and were on our way to the kitty hospital!!!
so i didnt know whut to do..i debated telling him right off but i knew he would be SUPER mad. would the vet KNOW it was human poop? they checked out the cat and tested the turd and the vet came out and was juss at a loss. he admitted he had NO IDEA how the cat could have even shat the thing. he suggested he run some tests to make sure all the cats insides were working right and took the cat away.
sure i should have told him but i knew he would have killed me. 2 weeks and hundreds of dollars in tests that all came back inconclusive...they never found out how fluffy passed the enormous cat poo. i didnt have the heart (or stomach) to fess up.

(Erica eraserfreak, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 3:32, archived)

The biggest lie I ever told

I once posted on the b3ta board, claiming I had a "the biggest lie I ever told" story.

In actual fact, I didn't, and was using the guest_account set up by someone else earlier in the thread.

I still feel guilty about it now.

(guest_account, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

h0h0!

u basturd! i like it.

(Erica eraserfreak, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 17:13, archived)

Haha.....

... that's fantastic....

(

Lord_Floaty Hooting gladly., Sun 30 Nov 2003, 18:27, archived)

Hang about...

... that was on the radio about a year ago, except it was a bloke who had to fess up to his girlfiend live on air.
Is THIS the biggets lie you've ever told, or did you copy him?

Either way it's still a good story tho!

(Beanster, Tue 2 Dec 2003, 2:29, archived)

Well

I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "pardon my French"

(Canada Dry Ginger Ale, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 19:42, archived)

My dad is going to hell

My old man used to look after the neighbours kid as well as me, and to pass the time taught the kid that sheep go "moo", cows "woof" etc. Even now 14 years on she still has to stop and think when you ask her what sound horses make.

(guest_account, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 0:14, archived)

Not the biggest, but possibley the most daft

"I left the essay on your desk. Someone must have come along, read it, seen it was really good and stolen it to copy."

It worked.

Seriously.

(28:06:42:12, Sun 30 Nov 2003, 20:29, archived)

A girl in my year claimed she had cancer

She told everybody she had cancer. she had chemotherapy and everything. apparently a district nurse stayed at her house for six hours a night while she had a drip to kill the cancer. (and despite the nurse being there she put the needle for the drip in herself! and it went in the centre of her upper arm!)

she's a retard!

then a month later it magically disappeared and all was well. BITCH

(

SocialRobot, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 12:23, archived)

her name...

her name is Gemma Green

(

SocialRobot, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 12:28, archived)

Charming...

Not lies I told, but nevertheless...

This lass was either sick or evil or both - slept with two guys in the same house (and played them off each other somewhat cruelly) then said she was waiting on test results and they should get themselves tested for HIV. When they both came back clear she went on that she didn't know what they'd been worrying about...

Another time she claimed in floods of tears that her mother had died... borrowed money to get home to the funeral and get somewhere to stay as she didn't get on with her family (wonder why...) and got seen onto the train. Couple of weeks later she is caught out when her mum rings up and someone else answers the phone - she then said "oh, she wasn't dead, I just wished she was"

(guest_account, Mon 1 Dec 2003, 12:39, archived)