why is it going wrong?
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 0:50,
archived)
It would be a pointlessly long story to explain in its entiretyBut the jist of it is, for reasons to do with my wanting to devote my life to analytical science, philosophy and psychology (yes you may be surprised given my presence here) I abandoned the idea of relationships or companionship; it also more than likely was to do with being shitted around by people for a while and is a thinly veiled excuse to be jaded.
Unfortunately this has led me to be sexually repressed whilst completely abandoning the idea of relationships or emotion of any sort, which had over time led me via the internet to BDSM.
Which I had a bizarre fascination with for some time through pornography and various other things.
Lately it's seemed to rear its ugly head more forcefully than ever, and it's becoming increasingly tiresome.
That's pretty much it in short, leaving out some of the bits which are becoming personally worrysome.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 0:55,
archived)
Unfortunately this has led me to be sexually repressed whilst completely abandoning the idea of relationships or emotion of any sort, which had over time led me via the internet to BDSM.
Which I had a bizarre fascination with for some time through pornography and various other things.
Lately it's seemed to rear its ugly head more forcefully than ever, and it's becoming increasingly tiresome.
That's pretty much it in short, leaving out some of the bits which are becoming personally worrysome.
well you're a bit kinky ain't you?you've just not met the right person yet.
you may hit me for saying that..
(you may hit me for saying that..
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 0:58,
archived)
Yes but the thing is, i'm not really very kinkyI swear it has come about purely due to having the internet and needing to masturbate, and somehow i've entered into a world of having the opportunity to have sex and pretty weird sex.
Without the actual relationships, emotions or love. Which are arguably the bits I can't have due to time restraints and various other things I couldn't even begin to coherently into.
Also the whole thing really doesn't gel with my personality, i've got everything all nicely segmented in a non-multiple personality disorder way.
But at this precise moment in time i'm feeling particularly anxious about proceeding moments, which is in turn making me feel less in control (in that stupid way that psychology works).
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:04,
archived)
Without the actual relationships, emotions or love. Which are arguably the bits I can't have due to time restraints and various other things I couldn't even begin to coherently into.
Also the whole thing really doesn't gel with my personality, i've got everything all nicely segmented in a non-multiple personality disorder way.
But at this precise moment in time i'm feeling particularly anxious about proceeding moments, which is in turn making me feel less in control (in that stupid way that psychology works).
i hate you for being able to intellectualise things so fucking well.and yes men have needs and sex seems to be one of them, fucking men. but surely love and emotion are a bigger need? obviously needing them for reasons not related to insecurity or any of that crap, because thats fairly unhealthy, but well to be crap, love and shit is nice.
i would say it sounds like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face but you either good at using big words and making intelligent posts or simply too clever for that statement to apply to you.
(i would say it sounds like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face but you either good at using big words and making intelligent posts or simply too clever for that statement to apply to you.
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:11,
archived)
Being analytical to ridiculous degrees is literally one of my few talents and life desiresAnd really it's the whole nub of my everything. There's nothing to say I don't want emotion and love and so on, in fact I very much do significantly more than i'd want or need sex (which for a man is ultimately just gratification saving some of the more intense and more psychologically blurred practices in BDSM). The whole thing rests on the inherently harrowing idea that there are far too many possibilities and not enough time.
I can't be the true hermit/analytic whilst also having a strong and meaningful relationship, one diminishes the other. This is true on a personality base and just a matter of time.
Devoting time to one thing eats out of the other.
The problem is the sex thing doesn't exist for me as a gratification issue, I can deal with that easily, it's a carefully balanced ego and experience issue. So I have to weigh up the fact that i'd have to do the stuff now while i'm young, whether I truly actually need it, whether in the long run i'd need to keep doing it for it to feel worthwhile, whether I am acting on the influence of society, etc.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:19,
archived)
I can't be the true hermit/analytic whilst also having a strong and meaningful relationship, one diminishes the other. This is true on a personality base and just a matter of time.
Devoting time to one thing eats out of the other.
The problem is the sex thing doesn't exist for me as a gratification issue, I can deal with that easily, it's a carefully balanced ego and experience issue. So I have to weigh up the fact that i'd have to do the stuff now while i'm young, whether I truly actually need it, whether in the long run i'd need to keep doing it for it to feel worthwhile, whether I am acting on the influence of society, etc.
wel it' an odd thing to be into, it's kind of self-castrate to say the least, and i odn't mean that in a literal term.but then surely if it's an ego issue and expierence one, then thats just gratification, but not on a purely sexual/sex based level?
maybe i'm being dim and simple again.
(maybe i'm being dim and simple again.
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:24,
archived)
Well it's basically that i'm constantly thinking about whether i've made the right choices towards everythingPeople are out having relationships, sex, kinky sex, etc etc etc. So it's not going to be an actual physical reason, it's an ego reason, knowing that i've done it. Because ultimately the experience will fade, sensations are not recallable, they have to be relived.
So I end up sitting about thinking: should I just do a few things while i'm still young and they can be my savoured memories, but then that would be giving in, I don't really need it, it's the fact other people are mentioning it to me and influence, but then that sounds a bit like a celibate religious reason, etc etc etc.
I should also add, that as i'm fairly youngish and have been in this bleak pit of nihilistic despair for a while, and went to an all boys school; i've not actually had a relationship nor sex. So some offer of kinky sex with some stranger would be my depressingly first experience and it would be before an actual relation. Hence why it's immediately harrowing.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:30,
archived)
So I end up sitting about thinking: should I just do a few things while i'm still young and they can be my savoured memories, but then that would be giving in, I don't really need it, it's the fact other people are mentioning it to me and influence, but then that sounds a bit like a celibate religious reason, etc etc etc.
I should also add, that as i'm fairly youngish and have been in this bleak pit of nihilistic despair for a while, and went to an all boys school; i've not actually had a relationship nor sex. So some offer of kinky sex with some stranger would be my depressingly first experience and it would be before an actual relation. Hence why it's immediately harrowing.
god, i hate you more now for being young and clever.from personally expierence of expierencing things, ok i've not had many sexual partners, but the few i have had have all been shit waste of time bar one and sadly i was very much in love with that person and it was that expierence and the whole thing of being in love that made it worth while, obviously with sex there is a pleasure thing to some extent with most people you do it with, but the greatest thing is doing it with someone you love and sharing something more then bodily fluids.
otherwise it is just pretty much an abuse cycle, because more often than not one person feels shit and it carries on within so much of your life, if you realise it or not.
and getting a bit of kinky sex isn't much of a big life expierence...i really doubt in ten years time i will look back on my life and think "wow doing this or that sexual thing was a great expierence". it's pretty momentry. but you can look back on things you did with someone or feelings shared and think wow that was great, that was a real defining moment.
(otherwise it is just pretty much an abuse cycle, because more often than not one person feels shit and it carries on within so much of your life, if you realise it or not.
and getting a bit of kinky sex isn't much of a big life expierence...i really doubt in ten years time i will look back on my life and think "wow doing this or that sexual thing was a great expierence". it's pretty momentry. but you can look back on things you did with someone or feelings shared and think wow that was great, that was a real defining moment.
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:38,
archived)
That's the major problem of the whole thingYou either look back and think the things you have done were dull/not worth the amount of hype and overexaggeration they were accounted for, or alternatively you convince yourself passionately that they were the best things ever.
Neither of which is particularly helpful for the person who hasn't done them. It's like the classic thing of having to make your own mistakes, I was never one for that idea (in fact I am ridiculously against it to the point of over thinking any future or possibility to an absurd level) but it almost seems like I am destined to try and make the 'mistake' purely because I can not survive the amount of thought that I put into the situation I am in.
To be honest everything could be sorted out nicely and happily with a nice relationship, which could placate any kinky desire indefinately, fill any longing for compassion and emotional experience and generally sooth my mind regarding life experiences. But at the same time there's the chance that i'd like it, or I wouldn't know when to end things, or if to have another relationship, or if I could carry on having a relationship until I wanted to really buckle down and become hermitic, or if really I was giving up by even considering it - like some weak willed man who is not even to equal one millionth of the sacrifice and devotion Galileo and other put into things.
Also: I should add i'm not that young, I just feel it some days due to having never actually experienced certain things - although conversely I feel really being one of the few people who actually thinks about existance, the world, global and humanitarian responsibility. 20 which I believe is the same as you are.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:49,
archived)
Neither of which is particularly helpful for the person who hasn't done them. It's like the classic thing of having to make your own mistakes, I was never one for that idea (in fact I am ridiculously against it to the point of over thinking any future or possibility to an absurd level) but it almost seems like I am destined to try and make the 'mistake' purely because I can not survive the amount of thought that I put into the situation I am in.
To be honest everything could be sorted out nicely and happily with a nice relationship, which could placate any kinky desire indefinately, fill any longing for compassion and emotional experience and generally sooth my mind regarding life experiences. But at the same time there's the chance that i'd like it, or I wouldn't know when to end things, or if to have another relationship, or if I could carry on having a relationship until I wanted to really buckle down and become hermitic, or if really I was giving up by even considering it - like some weak willed man who is not even to equal one millionth of the sacrifice and devotion Galileo and other put into things.
Also: I should add i'm not that young, I just feel it some days due to having never actually experienced certain things - although conversely I feel really being one of the few people who actually thinks about existance, the world, global and humanitarian responsibility. 20 which I believe is the same as you are.
but then if you've not tried it, how do you know you will hate it?it's ounds crappy, but if you haven't been really in love then it' impossible to pass judgement.
and sex is one of thoes things, that i'm sure most normal people will say is great fun and very enjoyable, but not the most important thing by any stretch and if it's easily accessable in whatever form then they will probably use it.
how oldare you? i'm being nosey now.
edit: yep. same as me. it's an awful age.
and i admire anyone considering any sort of hermetic lifestyle.
(and sex is one of thoes things, that i'm sure most normal people will say is great fun and very enjoyable, but not the most important thing by any stretch and if it's easily accessable in whatever form then they will probably use it.
edit: yep. same as me. it's an awful age.
and i admire anyone considering any sort of hermetic lifestyle.
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:53,
archived)
I'm not saying I will hate it, nor am I passing judgement on itI just think about the concequences of it and I can't see any reaction which doesn't impinge on my wanting to do other things in some way. In isolate it would be lovely, but in reality things have concequences and mold and cut off areas of life and experience. It's a pretty horrible curse of knowledge really, if I didn't know so then I could just get into a relationship and get lost forget about the future and be happy. But I can't just abandon thought, it seems like a crime and in its own soul destroying way it is worthwhile.
EDIT: I had a sort of internet person, who I sometimes laughable call my apprentice given that he sarcastically called me an oracle, who I used to talk to about these things. He wasn't so analytically inclined, but he was a femme boy struggling with the idea of gender, sexuality and BDSM type things, slightly younger also no experience, while still being clued up enough to engage in and get stuff out of a conversation with me. But unfortunately he has disappeared under mysterious circumstances and I haven't heard from him in ages.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:59,
archived)
EDIT: I had a sort of internet person, who I sometimes laughable call my apprentice given that he sarcastically called me an oracle, who I used to talk to about these things. He wasn't so analytically inclined, but he was a femme boy struggling with the idea of gender, sexuality and BDSM type things, slightly younger also no experience, while still being clued up enough to engage in and get stuff out of a conversation with me. But unfortunately he has disappeared under mysterious circumstances and I haven't heard from him in ages.
but then maybe you will never be happy being so insular.i spent a year or so avoiding other people and i enjoyed it on the whole, but at the end of the day all the things i could learn from being by myself and all the things i understood from doing that were matched if not bettered by being around people and having relationships and getting fucked over really badly, i learnt alot from it and ultimately i kind of learned to start liking myself (well vaguely) and i learnt amazing things from people and it gave me such a brilliant bit of life expierence.
being on your own for a time span has it's uses, you're pretty much forced into a corner to understand yourself and all your own morbid processes and needs in all their vivid and gory detail, but thats all pretty useless when you just avoid any sort of emotional connections with others.
everyone needs a mental refrence of mistakes and emotions and expierences just to grow as a person otherwise you do just stunt yourself and become either god or nothing in your own mind and then you get into dangerous ground and your brain starts to go wrong.you can delve too deep and start to make things this or that and without the expierence of understanding it from an outside point of view or having someone else to kick off you do really fuck yourself up.
(being on your own for a time span has it's uses, you're pretty much forced into a corner to understand yourself and all your own morbid processes and needs in all their vivid and gory detail, but thats all pretty useless when you just avoid any sort of emotional connections with others.
everyone needs a mental refrence of mistakes and emotions and expierences just to grow as a person otherwise you do just stunt yourself and become either god or nothing in your own mind and then you get into dangerous ground and your brain starts to go wrong.you can delve too deep and start to make things this or that and without the expierence of understanding it from an outside point of view or having someone else to kick off you do really fuck yourself up.
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:09,
archived)
EDIT above, because I couldn't be bothered to write it into another postAs regards the whole fucking yourself up bit, as a unwavering pragmatist, analyst, solipsist and realist. I can't say that being fucked up really means anything to me, nor can I say that being insular or unhappy is necessarily wrong or an unvalid way to spend your life. A lot of assumption is put on everything, especially happiness and experience. "Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse" - if that were really true and really believed wouldn't people immediately kill themselves. Because ultimately the experiences don't mean anything when you are dead, so making the assumption that happiness is the only worthy thing in life doesn't really follow through with logic.
Then of course there's the fact I probably just want to be different, see people being happy and see them being ignorant of fear, uncertainty, the larger problems. Who knows, but I refuse to believe or follow anyone, because no-one knows what they are talking about because nothing is right.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:18,
archived)
Then of course there's the fact I probably just want to be different, see people being happy and see them being ignorant of fear, uncertainty, the larger problems. Who knows, but I refuse to believe or follow anyone, because no-one knows what they are talking about because nothing is right.
true being happy isn't the most important thingbut being fucking unhappy is destructive to yourself and thoes around you and you have to turn a blind eye sometimes otherwise you either kill yourself or end up an empty shell.
i know i probably won't ever be happy but i'd rather not be unhappy and the hard part is avoid just being neither and nothing.
if you can look into despair and all the awfulness of life and understand it and accept it then you've got a fighting chance of gaining something.
ignorances isn't bliss but nor is being so wrapped up or aware of it.
(i know i probably won't ever be happy but i'd rather not be unhappy and the hard part is avoid just being neither and nothing.
if you can look into despair and all the awfulness of life and understand it and accept it then you've got a fighting chance of gaining something.
ignorances isn't bliss but nor is being so wrapped up or aware of it.
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:22,
archived)
I have seen into pure unfettid despair(or at least I like to think I live in the black hostile void for meladramatic purposes)
But as of late I seem to have become shakier and shakier, the thought, words and memories are still there but I don't seem to be able to feel it quite as much. I think it's been a series of events which have slowly been chipping away at me, insidiously bleeding normal social ideas in through the back door, then popping round with some sexual propositions.
Usually things blow over, well as regards to the sexual things anyway, but it seems a bit like my situation is slowly beginning to catch up with me and my idea(l)s. Although talking about it like it is a problem is as much of the problem as the occurances themselves.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:35,
archived)
But as of late I seem to have become shakier and shakier, the thought, words and memories are still there but I don't seem to be able to feel it quite as much. I think it's been a series of events which have slowly been chipping away at me, insidiously bleeding normal social ideas in through the back door, then popping round with some sexual propositions.
Usually things blow over, well as regards to the sexual things anyway, but it seems a bit like my situation is slowly beginning to catch up with me and my idea(l)s. Although talking about it like it is a problem is as much of the problem as the occurances themselves.
but maybe be less sensative(for lack of a better word) to such thingsis just part of the process of understanding and accepting, which is a good thing surely?
i'd like to give you a hug and just completely dumb everything down and say "there, there, it'll all get better".
(i'd like to give you a hug and just completely dumb everything down and say "there, there, it'll all get better".
KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:41,
archived)
I saw a French film on BBC4 a few weeks backAnd the chubby girl with self esteem problems and father issues, started crying and said "I'm a zero".
To which the French bloke who was in the room sat next down to her and said "We're all zeros".
That is why I love the chariactures of French people in French films, because I swear they cannot actually be like that.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:51,
archived)
To which the French bloke who was in the room sat next down to her and said "We're all zeros".
That is why I love the chariactures of French people in French films, because I swear they cannot actually be like that.
a chubby french girl for one..wtf...the french are somewhat very beautiful(and i don't just mean purely by appearance) and at the same time bloody annoying.
( KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:55,
archived)
If you really mean the solipsism part literallythe argument against it is that even if all other people are generated by your own mind, they are still autonomous intelligent entities. Therefore the part about being generated by your own mind has no meaning, since they are as good as and equivalent to actual people and there is nothing to suggest that they aren't in fact people.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 3:12,
archived)
I think we should strive to make mistakes of the highest quality.Repeating other people's mistakes is a bit pointless, yes.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:08,
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There are various other things (I bet)which other people are out doing, and which you don't really need, but which nevertheless don't prey on your mind. Golf, say. This implies that you think, intuitively, that love and sex are worthwhile. Incidentally a person doesn't really need to be alive; "need" relates (in different contexts) to some kind of set of things that you just want, ultimately just because you're attracted to them. (You can get the whole of morality out of this if you try.)
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:54,
archived)
heroin is another. it's an expierence. but unless you're dohery and winehouse, most of us can do without it. KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:58,
archived)
HAHAHAHA, if only i could be arsed to shop winehouse and dohery playing golf. KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:10,
archived)
Well yes, I can't claim that love and sex aren't a personal thing rather than an objective any possible experience thingThe reason there are there will be primarily to do with the fact that I wanted them at some stage earlier in my life, and to take my new analytical lifestyle and regect the fact I want/wanted them would be a pretty shitty start to an analytical life. So I have to accept that I want them, but then constantly worry about the fact that I can't have them and if not having them at all is too brash a choice.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:02,
archived)
Is this term "analytical" your own word for it,or is the "analytical lifestyle" a thing?
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:11,
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It's a very lazy placeholder for a larger idea I am probably inadequate to explainYes I don't think I could even begin to, just the idea of rejecting all known assumption, opinion or ideas is a good start though.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:26,
archived)
but then you've just set very high goals if not impossible ones and said you can't expierence love because you think it will fuck up this or that.hen it could od the opposite. you gotta jump into the fire sometimes.
( KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 2:12,
archived)
I think it's a misconception that a romantic relationship has to take upany more time than any other fucking about. Some people are surprisingly undemanding and sympathetic.
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Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:30,
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i agree.if you go into a relationship and you are secure and happy within yourself and the other person is, it's just a thing of expierencing and sharing and not taking and noone has any demands then because what happens is only a plus thing to your life.
( KittyVomit more super than a can of Tennants,
Sun 9 Mar 2008, 1:42,
archived)