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NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT NOMINATES *YOU* FOR THE PEDAL BIN, EVERY WEEK"

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"THE NEWSLETTER THAT NOMINATES *YOU* FOR THE PEDAL BIN, EVERY WEEK"
This Week:
* SWEARDLE - play a shit but rude version of Wordle 
* READ THIS - Confessions of an Almost Rock Star 
* FROM THE ARCHIVES - Realistic Internet Simulator

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the apes
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by right clicking
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 801 - 007th Jan 2022 Miss Moneypenny

Shout this issue up your own arse and apologise:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue801

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making brown cakes for the bog mouth

  * WORDLE? NOPE, IT'S SWEARDLE - Hagbardsapple
  writes, "All the fun of Wordle but with added
  swearing. It's SWEARDLE, the four-letter word
  game." Arse, tits and minge we should have
  thought of this. Well done.
https://sweardle.glitch.me 

  * CONFESSIONS OF AN ALMOST ROCK STAR - Michael
  M writes, "In the mid 00s I was in a band the
  NME called 'the most perfect new band ever',
  but I think it single handedly caused their
  decline in sales. So, 15 years later, I
  decided to write the memoirs of my time as a
  failed international rockstar, but got
  distracted by shiny baubles and only wrote one
  chapter about the time we spent in Japan." We
  want MORE of this, c'mon Michael, this gold,
  write more.
https://medium.com/@michaelmphysics/youre-doing-it...

  * EGGPOD TACKLES 'GET BACK' - Chris Shaw from
  the Beatles podcast EggPod is working through
  January doing a podcast for every day of the
  Beatles Get Back project. We're four days in
  so far including great episodes from Joel
  Morris from Ladybird Books For Grown-ups, and
  Felix White from The Maccabees. Thanks Chris,
  that's January sorted for our bedtime
  listening.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2022/01/02/get-back-day-1...

  * HOW TO SKIVE - Paul Curry, onetime back-end
  coder for B3ta dot com, has been making a
  mouse jiggler so that you can skive off when
  you're wanking from home. He's given you full
  instructions for anyone who fancies getting
  handy with an Arduino. Sexy times, yes.
https://gist.github.com/cr3ative/5dad5d425778db164...

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: FROM THE ARCHIVES
  Realistic Internet Simulator
 
  Back in the mid 1970s B3ta took the piss out
  of the endless pop-ups online and people were
  vaguely amused. Then Alan Sugar broke Flash
  and the game disappeared, but thanks to
  sophisticated emulation technology it's now
  back like Rick Astley. So click away and enjoy
  some DIY satire from the when the internet was
  made of unclosed table tags:
https://www2.b3ta.com/realistic-internet-simulator...

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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Please sub to the Hebtroco mailing list ok?

  We worry about our sponsors Hebtro, those fine
  makers of British clothing, we worry that
  we're giving them a shit deal with their
  sponsorship of B3ta and Fesshole, so please
  assuage our guilt for taking their unmarked
  fivers by signing up for their mailing list
  where they'll keep you up to date with the
  fine products they're selling to you, the
  discerning trouser consumer.  
https://hebtro.co/mailinglist/

  PS. This is a sincere thank you to Brant and
  Ed - thank you, you good men who we love in a
  non-sexual way. Although it could be sexual
  for the right price.

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: FESSHOLE
  Your festering fesses fessed up for fess fun

  Each week we ask you to vomit into a spittoon
  and we sieve out the meatiest chunks for
  internet dinner time:

  * HAIR OF THE COG - "I'm a jeweller and once
  had a locket to repair that contained a loved
  one's lock of hair which I carefully removed.
  The repair was delicate and I held my breath
  while doing it, as I finished I let that
  breath go and it blew the hair away. The
  locket now contains some of my hair."

  * PITCH THIS AS A FEATURE - "My other half
  keeps a list on her phone entitled 'things you
  shouldn't have to say to a man in his 40s'. It
  is obviously about me. My favourite entry is
  'please don't fart in the dishwasher'"

  * REMEMBER CASUAL SEX? REMEMBER? - "I once met
  a girl on a night out, she stayed at mine for
  the night, but in the morning I couldn't
  remember her name. So I took her to Starbucks
  for a coffee."

  Join the 255,000 people who need their 5.25"
  floppy disks inspected by the Chinese
  Detective. Link goes to the best of Dec 2021
  so it's worth a click coz you'll get the joy
  of reading 16 good ones, rather than any of
  the shit ones with 200 favs.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14788109002661...

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Some links from the newsletter that missed Wordle
  
  * CRAP GAMES COMPO - It's the time of the year
  for the 2021 Sinclair Crap Games Competition
  results. Uncle Clive's death doesn't seem to
  have impacted things much this year, though
  maybe next year will be full of mildly
  inappropriate tributes where you play him in
  flip-screen colour-clash heaven. The Dirty
  Harry Simulator gets our vote for being both a
  quick well-executed gag, and an utterly crap
  game at the same time.
https://rickdangerous.co.uk/csscgc2021/entries.htm...

  * SHIT ASMR - To be honest, we find most ASMR
  a bit unpleasant already, but this is going
  out of its way to create a horrible aural
  experience with a selection of mouth noises
  that absolutely no one will like. NEXT WEEK:
  Buffy's Swearing ASMR Simulator.
https://nnnoise.com

  * CLEAN THIS FILTH - A nice little stress toy
  in which you can wipe a variety of surfaces
  squeaky clean, with no accidental permanent
  marker usage in sight. Hopefully they'll add
  an Etch-A-Sketch shaker to their list of
  things you can erase, or simulate an inbox of
  unread emails you can take the pleasure in
  mass deleting without reading.
https://thedusting.zone

  * WHERE DO EELS COME FROM - a long and
  fascinating read that leaves you with a sense
  of mystery and wonder about the natural world.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/05/25/wher...

  * AMERICA, FUCK YEAH - everyone's favourite
  song from Team America but reimagined as sung
  by an eagle. No, not Don Henley and his band
  of studio desperados, but an actual bird.
https://b3ta.com/links/Murica:3

  * RADIOHEAD SUNG COUNTRY STYLE - there's a lot
  of this shit about, but it's nicely done. You
  will enjoy it. A bit.
https://b3ta.com/links/Creep_Radiohead_Honky_Tonk_...

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Who works 9 to 11:30?

Dolly Parttime.

(Thanks to 'The Porcupine From Purgatory')
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
  The world as seen through PaintShop Pro

  * Collapsibletank is dropping truth bombs on
  pigutainment 
https://b3ta.com/board/11358414

  * Cumquat May is Carrying On as before
https://b3ta.com/board/11358409

  * Monkeon is worrying about climate change
https://b3ta.com/board/11358323

  We've also got a challenge open for predicting
  2022 but it's not massively popular so maybe
  either fix that by entering it or wait until
  our next Photoshop bus arrives and hop on
  that, you bunch of fair-dodging bastards.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/predict2022/popular

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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Ideas to kick you off, not get you kicked off

  * TORY CHROME PLUGIN - Appease mad Tory MPs by
  making a plugin that plays the national anthem
  on every webpage. Add photos of the Queen too.
  But no Andrew. He's a *****.

  * COLDPLAY STOP MAKING MUSIC COUNTDOWN CLOCK -
  Chris Martin has promised to stop making music
  in 2025, we need a clock to countdown to this
  glorious day.

  * ONE GOOD JOKE ABOUT BORIS JOHNSON PER DAY
  TWITTER ACCOUNT - we have a theory that if you
  just do one thing, do it well, do it clearly
  and hammer it people will give in and follow
  you. So do it.

  Stick your content in our content maws:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
  support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
  special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
  NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
  Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
  Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
  We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
  Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
  Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
  and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
  and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping.

 And do please donate as you get occasional
 "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: TOP TIP
  Non-lead characters in films. Don't let anyone
  know you have family, loved ones or dependents
  that you are looking forward to seeing again,
  as this will certainly result in your death.
  (Bunglist)
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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