NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT NOMINATES *YOU* FOR THE PEDAL BIN, EVERY WEEK"
"THE NEWSLETTER THAT NOMINATES *YOU* FOR THE PEDAL BIN, EVERY WEEK"
This Week:
* SWEARDLE - play a shit but rude version of Wordle
* READ THIS - Confessions of an Almost Rock Star
* FROM THE ARCHIVES - Realistic Internet Simulator
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the apes
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by right clicking
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 801 - 007th Jan 2022 Miss Moneypenny
Shout this issue up your own arse and apologise:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue801
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making brown cakes for the bog mouth
* WORDLE? NOPE, IT'S SWEARDLE - Hagbardsapple
writes, "All the fun of Wordle but with added
swearing. It's SWEARDLE, the four-letter word
game." Arse, tits and minge we should have
thought of this. Well done.
https://sweardle.glitch.me
* CONFESSIONS OF AN ALMOST ROCK STAR - Michael
M writes, "In the mid 00s I was in a band the
NME called 'the most perfect new band ever',
but I think it single handedly caused their
decline in sales. So, 15 years later, I
decided to write the memoirs of my time as a
failed international rockstar, but got
distracted by shiny baubles and only wrote one
chapter about the time we spent in Japan." We
want MORE of this, c'mon Michael, this gold,
write more.
https://medium.com/@michaelmphysics/youre-doing-it...
* EGGPOD TACKLES 'GET BACK' - Chris Shaw from
the Beatles podcast EggPod is working through
January doing a podcast for every day of the
Beatles Get Back project. We're four days in
so far including great episodes from Joel
Morris from Ladybird Books For Grown-ups, and
Felix White from The Maccabees. Thanks Chris,
that's January sorted for our bedtime
listening.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2022/01/02/get-back-day-1...
* HOW TO SKIVE - Paul Curry, onetime back-end
coder for B3ta dot com, has been making a
mouse jiggler so that you can skive off when
you're wanking from home. He's given you full
instructions for anyone who fancies getting
handy with an Arduino. Sexy times, yes.
https://gist.github.com/cr3ative/5dad5d425778db164...
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: FROM THE ARCHIVES
Realistic Internet Simulator
Back in the mid 1970s B3ta took the piss out
of the endless pop-ups online and people were
vaguely amused. Then Alan Sugar broke Flash
and the game disappeared, but thanks to
sophisticated emulation technology it's now
back like Rick Astley. So click away and enjoy
some DIY satire from the when the internet was
made of unclosed table tags:
https://www2.b3ta.com/realistic-internet-simulator...
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Please sub to the Hebtroco mailing list ok?
We worry about our sponsors Hebtro, those fine
makers of British clothing, we worry that
we're giving them a shit deal with their
sponsorship of B3ta and Fesshole, so please
assuage our guilt for taking their unmarked
fivers by signing up for their mailing list
where they'll keep you up to date with the
fine products they're selling to you, the
discerning trouser consumer.
https://hebtro.co/mailinglist/
PS. This is a sincere thank you to Brant and
Ed - thank you, you good men who we love in a
non-sexual way. Although it could be sexual
for the right price.
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: FESSHOLE
Your festering fesses fessed up for fess fun
Each week we ask you to vomit into a spittoon
and we sieve out the meatiest chunks for
internet dinner time:
* HAIR OF THE COG - "I'm a jeweller and once
had a locket to repair that contained a loved
one's lock of hair which I carefully removed.
The repair was delicate and I held my breath
while doing it, as I finished I let that
breath go and it blew the hair away. The
locket now contains some of my hair."
* PITCH THIS AS A FEATURE - "My other half
keeps a list on her phone entitled 'things you
shouldn't have to say to a man in his 40s'. It
is obviously about me. My favourite entry is
'please don't fart in the dishwasher'"
* REMEMBER CASUAL SEX? REMEMBER? - "I once met
a girl on a night out, she stayed at mine for
the night, but in the morning I couldn't
remember her name. So I took her to Starbucks
for a coffee."
Join the 255,000 people who need their 5.25"
floppy disks inspected by the Chinese
Detective. Link goes to the best of Dec 2021
so it's worth a click coz you'll get the joy
of reading 16 good ones, rather than any of
the shit ones with 200 favs.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14788109002661...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Some links from the newsletter that missed Wordle
* CRAP GAMES COMPO - It's the time of the year
for the 2021 Sinclair Crap Games Competition
results. Uncle Clive's death doesn't seem to
have impacted things much this year, though
maybe next year will be full of mildly
inappropriate tributes where you play him in
flip-screen colour-clash heaven. The Dirty
Harry Simulator gets our vote for being both a
quick well-executed gag, and an utterly crap
game at the same time.
https://rickdangerous.co.uk/csscgc2021/entries.htm...
* SHIT ASMR - To be honest, we find most ASMR
a bit unpleasant already, but this is going
out of its way to create a horrible aural
experience with a selection of mouth noises
that absolutely no one will like. NEXT WEEK:
Buffy's Swearing ASMR Simulator.
https://nnnoise.com
* CLEAN THIS FILTH - A nice little stress toy
in which you can wipe a variety of surfaces
squeaky clean, with no accidental permanent
marker usage in sight. Hopefully they'll add
an Etch-A-Sketch shaker to their list of
things you can erase, or simulate an inbox of
unread emails you can take the pleasure in
mass deleting without reading.
https://thedusting.zone
* WHERE DO EELS COME FROM - a long and
fascinating read that leaves you with a sense
of mystery and wonder about the natural world.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/05/25/wher...
* AMERICA, FUCK YEAH - everyone's favourite
song from Team America but reimagined as sung
by an eagle. No, not Don Henley and his band
of studio desperados, but an actual bird.
https://b3ta.com/links/Murica:3
* RADIOHEAD SUNG COUNTRY STYLE - there's a lot
of this shit about, but it's nicely done. You
will enjoy it. A bit.
https://b3ta.com/links/Creep_Radiohead_Honky_Tonk_...
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Who works 9 to 11:30?
Dolly Parttime.
(Thanks to 'The Porcupine From Purgatory')
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
The world as seen through PaintShop Pro
* Collapsibletank is dropping truth bombs on
pigutainment
https://b3ta.com/board/11358414
* Cumquat May is Carrying On as before
https://b3ta.com/board/11358409
* Monkeon is worrying about climate change
https://b3ta.com/board/11358323
We've also got a challenge open for predicting
2022 but it's not massively popular so maybe
either fix that by entering it or wait until
our next Photoshop bus arrives and hop on
that, you bunch of fair-dodging bastards.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/predict2022/popular
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Ideas to kick you off, not get you kicked off
* TORY CHROME PLUGIN - Appease mad Tory MPs by
making a plugin that plays the national anthem
on every webpage. Add photos of the Queen too.
But no Andrew. He's a *****.
* COLDPLAY STOP MAKING MUSIC COUNTDOWN CLOCK -
Chris Martin has promised to stop making music
in 2025, we need a clock to countdown to this
glorious day.
* ONE GOOD JOKE ABOUT BORIS JOHNSON PER DAY
TWITTER ACCOUNT - we have a theory that if you
just do one thing, do it well, do it clearly
and hammer it people will give in and follow
you. So do it.
Stick your content in our content maws:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: TOP TIP
Non-lead characters in films. Don't let anyone
know you have family, loved ones or dependents
that you are looking forward to seeing again,
as this will certainly result in your death.
(Bunglist)
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
