Abusing freebiesA friend of mine recently attended a 'Champaign Lunch', where he was compelled drink as much fizzy stuff as he could between the first and last courses. In an ideal world we'd ask restaurant staff to tell us stories about fatties stuffing themselves at All You Can Eat places, but we recognise that our members don't all work in the catering trade, so for the rest of you - tell us something about abusing freebies. BTW: Bee puns = you fail.
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lizard, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:16)
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Lock-in in the local...dingdingI used to stay with my folks down in a wee Scottish village. In the arse-end of nowhere, local shops run by look-a-likes from the league of gentlemen and a local pub ran by the biggest tool ever.
Basically they were all inbred.
Anyway one rather depressing night in the pub me and my old man are knocking back the beer and setting the world to rights, getting a mite drunk in the process, when the above mentioned barman stumbles over looking like he's discovered glass in his poo (i.e. no very happy...at all). Anyway as things turns out he hadn't shaken the dew of the lily in a few days mainly because his foreskin had closed over his japs-eye and basically his wazzer now resembled a conical flask so a trip to the local (several miles away) A&E department was in order.
Now my dad has worked in bars for a long time, twattish landlord knows this and asks if my dad would mind staying till closing (it was a Saturday) and locking up. The landlords wife would come by my dads house the next day and get the keys etc. My old mans eyes light up and, being the booze hound he is, sees an opportunity here.
He (my dad) pondered this for a second before replying "Aye no bother as long as a couple of mates can come down for a few drinks and a game of pool, keep me company an that...I'm meant to be meeting them later at **** house'(this was a lie)."
This was agreed, keys were exchanged and of the knob-end of the landlord went with his wife leading the way to their clapped out motor before speeding away in a haze of smoke and burning rubber.
Anyway next thing I know mon pere is behind the bar using the phone to call his mates down to the pub before tossing it to me and telling me to call "that bit of fanny" I was shagging for a while round. I oblige, naturally.
Anywaaaaaay cue to the almost entire village(which sounds a lot grander that it is) sitting in this pub getting rat-arsed...for free. Almost every last drop of booze was drank, the lot. He even had one of those machines with the crispy coated peanuts in them, fucking magic.
Needless to say the landlords wife wasn't too happy, especially as her husband was in the hospital getting an emergency circumcision.
Anyway 2 weeks later landlord is out and going mental at my dad (whilst wearing exceptionally bagger trousers...MC Hammer stylee if I re-call). Dad couldn't give a flying fuck. As he claimed the landlord agreed to a few mates, he didn't specify how many or what they would drink. Cue disgruntled twat hobbling away muttering some voodoo inbred rubbish.
So the village got pissed for free...and me and my dad were heroes! Well mainly he was...I was bumping uglies with that delightful "bit of fanny...score!"
Anyway first post so apologies. Not really for length...more how its just not very good.
(, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 11:26, 2 replies)
Freebeer and peanuts, cool.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 4:46, closed)
wooAnd a muppet getting circumcised. Yay!
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:15, closed)
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