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This is a question Abusing freebies

A friend of mine recently attended a 'Champaign Lunch', where he was compelled drink as much fizzy stuff as he could between the first and last courses. In an ideal world we'd ask restaurant staff to tell us stories about fatties stuffing themselves at All You Can Eat places, but we recognise that our members don't all work in the catering trade, so for the rest of you - tell us something about abusing freebies. BTW: Bee puns = you fail.

(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:16)
Pages: Latest, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Asda again,
they have a brilliant returns policy for electrical gear. No questions asked, i took in my DVD player after 10 months, (played it to death), and they gave me a new one. They also gave me a receipt with that days date on it. Another cunning plan. Every 11 months I take it in and get a new one; they usually don't do that model anymore, so I get a better one. I've just bought a new Freeview box, so I'll be getting a new one of them every year from now on.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 20:22, Reply)
Caught the Senior Management
Our work has security turnstiles you have to slap your badge onto before you can go through. They make a buzz or a ping, and a red or green light appear and you have to go to be searched if you get a red - no big hardship if you are honest (and I am). But in the old days they used to let you through whether or not you got a red light... I caught a senior manager, who I'd long suspected of nicking (cos he was a theiving bastard when he'd worked for me several years earlier before he'd lied on his CV to get the job at our place).
Near Xmas the place is heaving with temps. So one evening as I am chatting to my mate after going through out of the corner of my eye I see this particular twat/manager suddenly shove infront of some gormeless temp, slap his badge down and shove through - BUZZ! Red Light!
Security guard says "Can you go for a search, please?" at which Clive (for it was he who was the robbing toe-rag) says "Wasn't me it was him" pointing at the bemused temp who is still working out how to use the turnstile.
Cue equally gormless guard telling temp to go get searched - well, who was he to believe, temp or senior manager?
Cue robbing twat out of the door with a new mobile in his pocket.

Sadly he'd noticed that I'd seen him and he stitched me up before I could stitch him up. I got off the disiplinary though - he got fired a few months later, never got another job and hung hiimself after his wife threw him out for being a thieving lying wanker... Couldnt have happened to a nicer bloke.

Not exactly on topic, but he was helping himself to the freebies.

Length - eyewatering... well just long enough to keep his feet off the floor.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 19:53, 4 replies)
I went to a conference a bit ago,
not surprisingly, at a conference centre. After ploughing my way through the buffet, I went for a few lunchtime beers, came back and got lost. The place is a fucking massive labyrinth, I expected to find the Minotaur there.
Anyway I blundered into various rooms, most of which had other peeps doing conference stuff, and the plan was hatched. Most conferences, peeps don't know each other, and the list of conferences is at the door of the building; so once or twice a week, I pop in in the morning, looking as if I know where I,m going. I'll pop into the various rooms for morning coffee and bikkies, pick up a timetable, find when dinner is and bugger off.
Come back for a few buffet lunches, (seriously good quality, no sausage rolls and egg mayo butties), grab any freebies that are going, and bugger off.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 19:20, 1 reply)
do a return policy, on their own brand stuff, whereby when you give them it back, you get the product back AND a refund.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 19:06, 1 reply)
Me Uncle Abusing Hospitality
About 8 years back, me uncle was lonely. He lived with his mum (my gran), and unfortunately she passed on, leaving me uncle to get drunk and lonely. So to help out, as he only lived about 10 minutes walking distance from me mum, she gave him a front door key and offered for him to call up whenever he was passing.

At first, as we lived inbetween his house and the social club he attended he'd call in and all was ok. We didn't mind at all as he was close family after all; he was my mother's brother. He then got himself a dog at the same time as us, as they were both from the same litter. He idolised this dog whom he called Sam, and regularly brought him up for walks to us. Sam took great delight in shitting around our garden and attacking our dog (his brother), damaging our dog's eye in the process.
This started to happen more and more frequently, with me uncle turning up all days of the week now, and my dad was starting to get pissed off at his brother-in-law, taking advantage of our hospitality. So my dad drops a small hint "Christ, we may as well pull a bed up for you" etc, but "What about Bob" would still show up, making a right state of the house eating our food and drinking stuff from our fridge etc and generally getting on my dad's nerves.

After a few months of this and my dad politely saying to his face "You know you're a part of this family, but obviously we have our own lives too and we all need our own space to live. I'm not saying don't call up, just not every day that's all."

If anything, me uncle came up more, and my dad's patience wore to breaking point.

I get home from work one afternoon, and walk into the living room to find my mother crying and me dad standing there smiling, but looking a bit sheepish.
"What's up 'en?"
"Ermmm..." says dad, "I errr...kind of went mental with your uncle."
"What did you do?"
"Well it's not my fault really, but you know how he's been taking advantage of your mum and taking all of our food etc?"
"...well he...err...done it again today after I asked him not to call up all the time. I got home from work and found him drinking a cuppa in the living room. So I kind of....took him out the garden, grabbed the back of his head and drilled him with about 7 punches to the face. In fairness, he's got a real hard skull too, he was still standing." Dad smiles while saying this as he's an ex-amateur boxer, and me mum walks out of the living room crying. Very tactful dad.

In fairness me uncle never took the piss again after that incident and now me dad and uncle get on great. See? Sometimes it only takes a good hiding....
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 18:49, Reply)
Free vodkas + pain
A while ago me 'n' a bunch of mates went into what was at the time "Rasputins Vodka Bar" on the run-up to Chrimbo. We wonder over to the bar and I'm just about to chuck a quid in the bandit when Blonde John shouts "Your round Jeccy, get the fuck off that, mines a vodka and orange shot...". It was my turn, so I aptly start to queue for some drinks. Blonde John chucks a quid in the bandit instead, and immediately wins £25. "Jammy git" thinks I, so I turn my attention to the barmaid. She says first "Every round you buy I spin this crap wheel, and you win a prize!" and presents this carboard dartboard with an arrow nailed to the centre of it. Loads of Bullseye-esque prize catergories are there and when she spins it for me I win a half-price round. Oh well, not bad I suppose.
I then ask the barmail which vodka shots they have. "We've got Normal, coke, diet coke, lemonade, gin, whisky, chocolate, apple, orange, strawberry, chilli..." "...and what colour is this chilli shot of yours?" "Orange" says she. Bingo :)

So I get 4 shots, go over to the table and pass the shots about. We all do a quick manly down-in-1 lad thang, then back the shots. After two seconds Blonde John's eyes nearly launch themselves out of his head. After the laughter dies down, he legs it to the bar to buy 3 for us. They spin the wheel for him and he wins the round for free. We all choke half to death drinking Satan's Flaming Piss while he laffs like fuck at us. For free. Lucky cunt.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 18:16, 1 reply)
chinese all you can eat buffet
a while back me and my some of friends went to see a movie and go for a meal at this restuarant where there was an offer saying all you can eat 5 quid each so being the competative lads that we were we had a chinese food eating contest,we stuffed ourself stupid and one of my mates started crying with the pain (may i add that he is now no longer someone we hang around with) after the eat off we realised the next monday at school something we ate must of been funny because we were all shitting our arses off

moral of the story dont eat dog meat not the stuff that comes in cans but the supposed `pork` that comes from a dodgy cantonese.

also i laugh maniacly because of the length of the post
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 18:02, 1 reply)
Credit Card
Around our uni we used to always have stalls set up giving out ‘freebies’ if you signed your life away to one thing or another. One company, Barclaycard, would always be giving out free stuff to try and entice poor naïve students into the murky world of credit card debt.
One day they were giving out cameras, and wanting one quite badly at the time I decided to sign up and get one. However, since I had already got a Barclay card from when I set up my student account I knew there was nothing to lose.
I took my camera and thought nothing more about til I received a letter from Barclay thanking me for applying for a new card, but apologetic as it turns out I can’t have a card as it appears I already have one. Oh dear, I must have forgotten.
I decided to see how far I could push it. If they were going to take advantage of students, I was going to take advantage of them! Everytime they turned up I would sign up for whatever they were giving away. Sometimes more than once a time if they were gullible enough. By the end of the year I had collected: 8 cameras (not great, but they were reuseable, and came with a free film), a Discman, 2 alarm clocks, 2 pop corn makers (why on earth I wanted 2 I don’t know), a ride in a limo, 3 shower radios, a million pens, and mouse mats galore. Not to mention a wall of letters from Barclay Card telling me I already have a card.
Apparently they have changed it now so that if you sign up for a gift and you already have a card, you will be charged for the ‘free’ gift. I know it probably wasn’t just me, but I feel proud that my actions have help change corporate policy…
Length? Smaller than my creditcard bills at least…
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 17:52, Reply)

I used to read the Funday Times religiously every Sunday before it went completely downhill (or maybe I just grew up). However my parents still think it’s cute to send it to me every now and then (even on my gap year and year abroad in the rainforests of Peru…). I think it’s stopped now either that or my folks have realised that I really don’t want to read it anymore!

Anyhoo. In one week’s edition that I received in my 2nd year at uni, it told us of a website where we could order a free demo of the forthcoming Quidditch computer game. Since I was next to my comp at the time I promptly ordered a PC version and then a PS2 version to play on housemate’s machine. Then promptly forgot all about it.
About a month later I received a parcel through the post. I opened it up and there was a full edition of the game with a note apologising for the lateness of the demo, and a peace offering of the full game on PS2. Score!

Another month after, in the run up for Christmas I receive a massive parcel. Having no idea what it could be I ripped it open to find loads of Harry Potter goodies (scarves, badges, a jumper, etc.) and a note apologising for the lateness, etc.
That was my Christmas Shopping sorted…

Length? It can go on for years til someone gets the snitch….
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 17:36, 1 reply)
Hard Fisted Cafe
Just a couple of short years ago me and my ex partner were out celebrating my birthday by going to the cinema followed by a nice meal somewhere. Off we trotted to Broad Street and decided to pop our heads into Hard Rock Cafe to see if we'd need to book a table for later in the evening as they didn't appear very busy. The very helpful young lady who welcomed us ensured us that it wouldn't be a problem and that we wouldn't need to book so popped next door to catch the movie.

On leaving we returned once more to the abovesaid establishment thinking everything would be A-ok and we'd enjoy a meal but imagine to our surprise the whole place was absolutely full of rotten business type people and there wasn't a space in the house. We kicked up a little scene but due to being bought out for the evening there wasn't anything we could do. Instead we settled for a cheaper venue and as soon as got home wrote a letter of complaint to head office.

Little more than a week later we received an email from the manager of the Hard Rock Cafe offering us a complimentary meal and all we had to do was bring in the email and everything would be fine. So we did just that and decided we wouldn't take the piss too much...

But even once we'd told them we were here on a complimentary basis they kept piling us with more requests so ended up having 4 courses and those lovely cocktails where you get to keep the souvenir glass. Right at the end a member of staff approaches us and asks how we would like to pay...damn those imbeciles with their lack of communication...so the duty manager comes over and has a word and although you could tell he didn't want us to leave he was awfully polite and didn't know that we were there he wiped the slate clean and let us leave without paying for about £200 worth of food and drink...

Not a surprise to hear now though that this Hard Rock Cafe no longer exists...oops!!
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 16:52, 4 replies)
Smashing Hits
Way back in the 80's when I was an impressionable teenager, I used to religiously buy Smash Hits so that I could memorise all the words to songs such as ABC's "The Look of Love" and something by Curiousity Killed The Cat.

Well Smash Hits used to run competitions weekly with "top pop pressies" up for grabs. The magazine though itself wild and wacky in an 80's day-glo fingerless gloves and pop sock kind of way, so it used to say, in the days before Ant and Dec premium rate lines, "send your answer in on something red" or "send your answer in on a moustache". Obviously thinking no-one would take them seriously.

Little did they know my mam ran a post office, so I though nothing of abusing the freebies by sending in my Smash Hit competition answers sellotaped to giant catering tins of baked beans, iced onto the top of a birthday cake and on giant moustaches made out of card - anything they asked for, but big and expensive to post. God knows what they thought in their office at Smash Hits Towers as all this assorted junk arrived each week.

What did I get out of it? Well I kept winning - and so much that I had to enter using the little old lady next door's name and address and all the staff who worked in the Post Office's addresses. And there the bragging stops, cos my prizes were things like "Hipsway gatefold 12inch singles", "Katrina and The Waves Bucket and Spade set" and other pop tat that you won't find on ebay these days. I decided to stop my blagging when the postman arrived one morning carrying a lifesize cardboard cutout of Freddie Mercury from his "Great Pretender" video. Then I knew it was time to give in.

I wonder why the Post Office is in such trouble these days?
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 16:38, 1 reply)
Enzymes' post reminds me....
....when I was about 10 I was on holiday in Spain with my folks (it was the 80's after all) where we went to an organised excursion meal and show night. It was utter crap and although my pre teen boy boredom was alleviated by seeing the video to "Boys" by euro pop tart Sabrina, the one where she's swimming in a pool and bouncing her huge, well, you get the picture.

Anyway, it was free red/white wine, sangria or orange juice all night. After a couple of hours, my old dear wondered why I kept having to urinate all the time. Later she wondered why I'd passed out and then had to be carried onto the coach, then into the hotel, up the stairs and put to bed.

The reason? Not the cheeky small glass of white I quaffed, no, the two jugs of punch disguised as orange juice I'd had. As a bonus, I didn't have any sick! Chin chin.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 16:30, 1 reply)
Circa 2000, at university in Leicester. There was a chain of shops called Jackson's, similar to SPAR's but smaller, never really seen them down south, but anyway I digress. I was frequenting in the act of sexual intercourse with a young woman who worked the night shift in the said shop. She had a thing for doing it in the stock room (..and they say romance is dead) after closing time, and I obliged her on many an occasion. My reward was that after the act of fornication she would give me free picking of anything I wanted in the shop, obviously feeling happy from her post orgasmic experience. As long as I didnt take the piss she would just write of most items from the stock manifest. This saved me food money = more beer money for months. Then she dumped me. I became very sad (after she dumped me, that not why she dumped me). Months later I would often see her in the shop during business hours and try my luck, but it was always rebuffed. I found out through a mate that she did the same 'shag in the stock room, pick of the stock' to another bloke.

Not really sure if I was abusing the freebies or I myself was being abused in the process to fulfill a fanatasy. Still no complaints though.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 16:04, 5 replies)
Several Years ago...
... when Virgin owned their own cinemas and I was young.
It was the start of the summer holidays, I was bored and thought I would see a film, I made my way over to the Brighton multiplex. When I arrived there were posters advertising a "Student summer pass". The mentioned product gave unlimited access to the cinema for either 15,30 or 45 days depending on price (around £20,£30,£40).

Cue me thinking this would be great and watching between 5 and 7 films a day for the first 3 days, on the fourth day the cinema manager refused to let me use the ticket.

I wasn't happy and made a complaint to the head office, a full refund and a two 45 day tickets with seat upgrades and complimentary popcorn and a soft drink for each film as compensation.

Needless to say me and a friend spent the whole summer watching 3-5 films a day. I kept my tickets as a reminder for a while, Me and my friend had approximately 150 ticket stubs each by the time our passes expired.

Without the ticket prices that's a hell of a lot of popcorn and medium cola that the cinema had to fork out for...
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 16:03, Reply)
My bro used to be the chef in the cafe/bar at a gym which belonged to a chain of gyms owned by a beardy bloke with lots of money.

Anyway, top and bottom of it is I got to use the facilities as a guest (with all the other diesel sportwear clad 'ooh, look at my exspensive unsuitable fashion sportwear, fake tan and white teeth hollyoakes wanna-bees), one particular time I was releaxing in the sauna and my bro joined me after his shift informing me that he had rustled up two pizzas and they were sat in the kitchen cooling. We exit the sauna, stick the fodder in tin foil along with some bottles of Peroni and head off to the cinema next door where we have a deal going with their staff, they get free gym, we get free film.

Empty cinema (apart from me and the bro), delicious pizza, cold beer and Equilibrium on the big screen.

Not a penny spent!

first post, apologies for blandness but it's all true ;)

Length - 107 min
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 15:56, Reply)
Bean bags
Last week B3ta received an email going, "Hello, My name is Andrew & I am the marketing director of Sumo Lounge. Being a fan of your site I would like to ask if you would like a Free Sample in exchange for posting a review."

I said yeah, as maybe the guys who I share an office would like something beany to flop on.

The bag has just turned up. Here's a photo of Wakefield from the office using it to pretend to be a fat mexican.

So how have I abused a freebie? Well, if posting a slapdash entry on this weeks QOTW counts as a review then considered this freebie abused.

Review: Quite nice as bean bags go.

EDIT: To those gazzing me to ask if Wakefield is single, then the answer is no, but he is on b3ta. Other photos from the 'shoot' here and here.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 15:32, 7 replies)
We chewed so much our jaws hurt
When I was about 12, Wrigleys did this promotion where a 5-pack of chewing gum contained a scratch card with a multiple choice question on it. If you got it right, you got another 5-pack for free. My bro and I had just bought a pack each and worked out the answers so got another free pack each. When we opened the new packs, we realised that their scratch cards contained the same questions, so we went and got another pack each.

It turned out that some marketing numpty at Wrigleys had only thought to include 5 different questions in the promotion so once you had worked out those 5 answers, it was free chewing gum all the way.

We ended up getting barred from Woolworths after completely cleaning them out of all of the Wrigleys that they had. We had bags and bags of the stuff and even made some dough by selling them at school.

Thanks Wrigleys marketing guy.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 15:05, Reply)
My old chap
Back in the early 60s my Dad worked for a company called Handley Page, who used to manufacture aircraft. Back then, the design offices, workshop and factory were all based on one site adjacent to an airfield, so the designer could nip out of the office and consult with the engineers charged with assembling the giant Airfix kit you've just designed the instructions for.

Designers (or draughtsmen to use the correct term) were able to work closely with engineers and the test pilots charged with inspecting the planes before they were delivered to the customer.

The big contract at the time was supplying Victor bombers to the RAF. Basically, they were a fair bit bigger and faster than the Airbus you flew to Ibiza in last summer, had four engines and were designed to be scrambled in the direction of Russia at a moments notice to dump hydrogen bombs on soviet cities. To avoid being shot down like clay pigeons, the pilots had to fly flat out at 500 feet or lower with all the agility of a fighter plane.

Being taken for a treetop high blat over Hertfordshire in the radio operators seat of the giant bomber must have been quite some perk.

(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:24, 1 reply)
The Silver Fox
In the real world, I worked for some years for a Software Company. This company was US based, but had a couple of offices in the UK.

In the one in which I worked, the kitchen was stocked with a myriad of free food and drink for the staff to avail themselves should hunger take them at any point in the day.

In essence, the fridges were stacked to the gunnels with hams and cold meats, chicken, sandwich spread, various accoutrements, scotch eggs, bacon rashers etc. The cupboards were piled high with various snacks and cakes and the drinks fridge was replenished daily.
It was all free!

On a friday, to accompany the staff meeting, pizza was ordered and beer was imbibed over the lunchbreak, again all paid for by the company.

Now most of the 40 or so staff in this office treated this with respect, not overeating and abusing the courtesy of the company.

There was one guy, deemed to be in his 60's who was christened the Silver Fox by one of the wags on site. He had a house in Paris where he lived with his wife, but lodged in the town for 2 week periods before going back to Paris for a long weekend.

He was a stingy sod, and rented a grotty little room in the town, but also did all his eating in the office. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were all comprised of gargantuan salads bathed in mayonnaise and olive oil (don't skimp on the black pepper), cakes etc.

He dined there at weekends too, one time I blocked his door fob from opening any of the offices which had a kitchens holding food in them, and on Monday enjoyed perusing the logs which showed him piteously trying to open door after door to sate his pangs of hunger, with ever increasing urgency.

When his daughter came to visit one friday, he ordered her a free pizza to accompany his own, instead of spending some of his £70 000 salary on lunch for 2 in a local bistro.

The climax to this came when I arrived in the office one weekend to perform some routine out of hourse maintenance and found him tucking into a microwave curry and rice, with garlic naan, and he had a serviette TUCKED INTO HIS COLLAR. He looked for the world like a cross between Poirot and a Child Molester.

He was sacked soon after. We used to joke that he probably wasted away once he had to pay for his own consumption of salads and cold meats.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:17, Reply)
Free alcomohol.
First off, I'd like to say I'm so proud of the amount of stories that involve getting pissed for free, or stealing as many pens as possible. I bloody love you guys and girls!

Anyway, this post is about exactly that. Apart from the pen part.

I was at me local Corn Exchange a few months ago, and happily getting right royaly ratted. I was looking quite dapper as I had just come from my cricket presentation. I say dapper, I was in t-shirt, jeans, but had a tie hanging around my neck (woo for my hat-trick hero tie!).
The barmaid obviously thought this was some sort of posh look, and said to me, ''are you with the estate agent group?''. I had no idea what this meant, but what harm can come of being associated with a bunch of well-payed people? Apart from being called an over-payed cunt of course. Anyway, I digress.
''Yes'', I said. ''Yes I bloody am''.
Didn't think much of it, untill when I ordered my drink, she didn't ask for my well-earned* money. You know that face of glee and smug satisfaction that a Leprechaun has while masturbating over a pot of gold? I had that face on all night.

The estate agent boss person had put money behind the bar for all his lil minions! and for that night, I was his little minion bitch, although he didn't know it.

I may dissapoint you all now, as I didn't order bottle after bottle of expensive champagne. Mostly stuck with me cider, with the odd Jagerbomb thrown in to keep my off my toes. Good stuff.

*that fact is not really a fact
Apologise for length? Fuck you, I only apologise to my girlfriend.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:02, Reply)
God bless the DSS
Back when I was an 18-year-old doley scum, living in a decent flat paid for with housing benefits, the unmistakable brown envelope containing that 2-weeks dole cheque landed on the doormat on a day it shouldn't have. "Oh well" I think, "just means I'll have spent it two days earlier". When I open the envelope however, instead of the usual cheque for, I think, about £70 (we're going back a long way here), are two shiney DSS cheques for £150 each. So I leg it up to the Post Office to cash them quickly before they realise their mistake, come back 10 minutes later with 15 crisp £20 notes in my pocket. Cue 2 days of absolute mayhem for me and a few friends. Just as that money is coming to an end, with nothing of note to show for it, another familiar brown envelope lands on the doormat. "Shit, they've rumbled me" I think. I open the envelope with shaking hands and can barely bring myself to look at the contents. Two more cheques - for £250 each this time! So over the course of about 4 days, the DSS gift-horsed me £800, and 17 years later, I still haven't heard a thing about it from the Powers That Be. That last £500 paid for an incredible weekend in Amsterdam, by the way.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:00, 3 replies)
Thanks Colonel.
A fair few years ago I was working at popular fried poultry shop(the shame.) I was offered the chance to work in Bristol for about 4 weeks helping them open a new store, I'd just handed in my notice so was glad of the chance to get out of my store for the last month of my employment.
They put me up in a posh(ish) hotel and said i could put my food and a couple of drinks on the rooms bill as a thank you for my (lack of)hard work.
4 weeks later my food bill was over £2500 due to me having a steak and between 10-18 pints a night in the hotel bar. I didn't have to pay a penny back. Winner.
Figuring i was onto a good deal I negotiated staying on to help out for a bit longer. The bastards moved me to a cheaper hotel with no beer budget, but with a bit of negotiating with the owner i got moved to a cheaper room and spent the difference in the bar.
Result. Sad thing is though i ened up staying on to help out for another 4 years, The colonel did pay half my rent for the first 6 months tho ugh.
Sanders your alright in my book.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:53, Reply)
Company Picnic
In 1967, my dad and both his bros took us littlies and our cousins to his comp'ny picnic and we all got raffle tickets upon entry."Oh, aren't they cute? Here, youngun, hang on to that, you might win some candy or something!"

Well, there were SO many of us (with the same last name) that fully 80% of the very nice prizes were won by my family! "Ok, number 310034! Who's got 310034?" "Oh, Jeez, it's the Andersons again. Christ! How many fuckin' kids have they got?" It became monotonous.

Some 3 year old would shyly tiptoe up up the podium to stagger away with a skilsaw or a fifth of Johnnie walker Red amidst groans from battered old carpenters and electricians. My dad would have a shit-eating grin on his face, "Just put it here in the pile, Robbie."

They banned us from entering next year. Some of the older geezers still talk about it.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:51, Reply)
niceandwarmandhot just reminded me of this…
Some years ago, I escorted a young lady to a pub (quelle surprise) before a trip to the cinema.

(I say some years ago…it was actually fucking yonks ago because the movie was ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’).

As I’m sure you can imagine – especially the people that know me, this date inevitably involved happily glugging away at my cider, chatting with said object of my then affection, before totally losing track of time like the disorganised scrote that I am.

Eventually…“Oh shagholes”, said my beau, looking at her watch. “The movie starts in 5 minutes…we’re going to miss the fucker!”

We bollock down our pints and stagger swiftly towards the local picturehouse, which was conveniently next to the pub (do I know how to organise a date or what?). Once inside, we sort ourselves out for tickets, popcorn, sweets, hotdogs, nachos and ‘ice-junkies’ (the machine was actually working this time – what are the odds?).

(Btw: I had to pay full price for ALL that crappolla listed above…and at bloody cinema prices too! – the fuckers. Anyway, that’s not what this is all about.)

Once fully loaded with shoddy, overpriced snack treats (I know…I'll let it go), we peg it into the cinema…just as the film starts. We haven’t missed a second – We settle down to enjoy it and the young lady….well that’s another story.

One way or another…Result.

So the film ends, we’re happy and decide to go back to the pub. As we head towards the door, we find a sorrowful-looking man in a suit handing something out to everybody as they leave. We approach him, and are both given free return tickets.

“WTF? The film wasn’t that bad!” I said. But of course, never looking a gift-donkey in the south, or whatever the phrase is, we grab our freebies and shuffle off back towards the pub.

It’s only after overhearing a conversation from a fellow cinema-goer on our way out that we discover what had actually happened.

It appears that while we were plying ourselves with ridiculously and criminally expensive wank cinema fayre, there had been some twat shining one of those laser-pointers at the screen during the trailers. People started booing, an usher came in and kicked the cunt out. People cheer. All over. The cinema manager still thought that it was worth apologising for and thusly promised everybody in the cinema free tickets at the end of the movie. Yay.

Then we walk in – totally oblivious.

You might think at this point that this is yet another ‘Pooflake win win, result, what-a-spawny-fucker’ post…Well friends, this time the freebie well and truly bit me on the arse…

…I used the free tickets to go and see Robocop 3.

What in the name of Christ’s hairy starfish was I thinking? If it hadn’t been free I would’ve been hurling chairs about the place – that movie was the biggest pile of steaming dogturd I have ever seen.

I still stayed and watched it though…It was free after all. (Yes, I am that tight).

Length? – about 90 minutes of unadulterated runny poo.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:01, 14 replies)
I'm a jammy bint - this is the main batch of blags that I can remember
Free haircut off of one of the UK's top hairdressers (nominated twice 'n' everything) because he's a top bloke and we got on
Diane Von Furstenburg dress (worth a packet, peeps) from friend who is a fashion buyer
Trip to Amsterdam after a messed ticket by the agent, followed by free trip to Calais, following further complaining
Fancy mascara which I felt didn't last long enough so they gave me a new one to make me go away
Year's worth of uni fees back from the local council, for reasons best known to themselves and frankly never questioned on it
Free car rental for a week after Ebookers (wankers) 'forgot to buy the flight ticket to Lisbon', plus half money back for that particular gem of staff twattiness - speaking of which, they also forgot to reserve the car too, which was fun
Free tickets to the Odeon when they had to cancel a performance because a pidgeon got in that had to be killed
Free repair of fancy clock (a gift) after kicking up a fuss
Curling tongs and a pile of hair product from a show
iPod from someone who just upgraded to the iPod touch
Meal after it took too long to arrive
Box of free Krispy Kremes
Cadbury's Creme Egg that wouldn't scan at Tesco

I'm of the general opinion that if you don't ask, you don't get.
My brother is MUCH worse than me - he gets free international flights, somehow.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 12:06, 7 replies)

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