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This is a question Abusing freebies

A friend of mine recently attended a 'Champaign Lunch', where he was compelled drink as much fizzy stuff as he could between the first and last courses. In an ideal world we'd ask restaurant staff to tell us stories about fatties stuffing themselves at All You Can Eat places, but we recognise that our members don't all work in the catering trade, so for the rest of you - tell us something about abusing freebies. BTW: Bee puns = you fail.

(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:16)
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I abused lots of free stuff.
Well, I used to do ok for myself and managed to blag lots of freebies.
I had a free house, free car, disability benefits, free schooling for my offspring, free healthcare AND free speech. I abused the free speech a little too much and now look where it's got me. I haven't even got the freedom to scratch my arse now.

(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:34, Reply)
Bog roll
I worked for a paper manufacturer a few years back. I'd already got some of the factory staff on side by buying the right people drinks and pretending to agree with them when they were moaning about their salaries/working hours (think London Underground staff). So when I decided I was off I used my notice period to syphon off as much freebie bog roll as I could ignoring the staff "limits". At least twice a week for nearly three months I had so many loo rolls in my car (a Vectra at the time) there was merely a small area around the steering wheel and pedals to sit. I got pulled over by the Police twice...

I filled my parents loft and garage completely with bog rolls. I still had a week and a half to go so not wanting to let the side down I carried on taking them and flogged them to the neighbours at bargain prices.

A very heavy weekend of drinking paid for by my neighbours and my family never paid to wipe their arses for two and a half years.

My mother was so proud.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:27, Reply)
I don't like football...
...but I was still royally pissed off when I oh-so-narrowly missed out on a freebie to watch the Euro '96 final from one of the corporate boxes.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:24, Reply)
Re: Buffet

Not me but my then flatmate.

His company was doing some work for a megacorp. The megacorp had a grand day out at the races with a BBQ, buffet and open bar afterwards.

Word was sent to those employees directly working for the megacorp that they, and they alone were invited, not the rest of the mob back at base.

On the big day, the megacorp staffers were surprised to see umpteen contractors, and their bosses show up with a "I'm one of the extra invitees, I work on the back end stuff so I'm included too" In short, nearly everybody turned up, even the receptionists.

Things got well out of hand quite early on when one of the free bars was raided and people were seen rolling away a couple of barrels of beer and carrying off slabs of cans. One of the bigwigs from the megacorp took a tour of the festivities that evening where he was loudly abused by a bunch of the contractors and had food thrown at him.

They were never asked back again and a ban was put on any contractor joining in on any future days out.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:21, Reply)
Still makes me giggle to remember this.
My best mate once went out with a drug dealer who also took drugs.

Once he was twatted we got freebies all night.

Work and play never mix.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:18, 2 replies)
Went to a mates wedding. He was marrying a dog we never liked, in fact, we were pretty much against the whole thing but he seemed happy so we went along with his big day. Anyway, her dad was paying, including the free bar.

We were wankered pretty quickly at the reception on JD&Cokes mainly, we were classy back then. Johno asks the bar man for 8 triple JD& cokes for the 4 of us. The bar man says, "look lads, its a free bar, dont take the piss alright, I'm not putting 8 triple JD's on the bill."

A beat later, Johno says, "can i have 24 JD&cokes please".

"Thats more like it" said the obliging barman. Result!
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:16, Reply)
i am the one who gets abused. sometimes it feels as if every other day i get:

"hi rswipe. my boyfriend's mother's third husband's cousin's wife's sister's brother's dog's cigarette is having problems with its landlord's neighbours' managing agent's freeholder's vendors"...

gah. i knew i should have been a traffic warden. or someone who does autopsies. nobody wants freebies from THEM!
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:15, 9 replies)
Almost everything for a couple of years.
In my last flat, my housemate was friends with a couple of guys whose job it was to go round to newly-bought houses and present the new occupants with a greetings box from the local supermarket. These boxes contained all the supermarket's new lines - the stuff that they were really trying to push on people - but generally each one would contain 2 air fresheners, 2 blue toilet fresheners, 2 lightbulbs, 2 jars of curry sauce, 2 jars of pasta sauce, 2 packets of rice, 2 bog rolls, 2 bars of chocolate...you get the idea. On more than one occasion each box had four bottles of beer in it. These guys got paid £1 for each box they delivered, so whenever they were passing they would drop off 40-50 of them at our flat, earning themselves a tidy sum for very little work, and keeping us in provisions until they next came back. I think the only thing I spent money on during that time was tobacco.

I still have about 30 lightbulbs left :)
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:11, Reply)
No one questions the police
In a previous job working for the local police force, I managed to blag a photographer’s pass for the final day of the Open Golf. As well access to the course, a front row view of the entire day and a 5 course slap up meal in the Nikon hospitality tent over looking the 17th Green… I had the cheek to put in a 16 hr claim for overtime (at double time). Happy days.

There was other perks too. Watching Old Firm games from the mouth of the tunnel / control room, concerts at Hampden park under the guise of PR work and press passes for T in the Park (which wasn’t even in the same force area).

However the best part about it was I worked in a IT role… not a PR one.

Length? 3 years worth of free events and overtime to attend.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:03, Reply)
Last year
I, and my department, found ourselves at a posh hotel in... well, overseas, eating at the kind of restaurant otherwise frequented visiting heads of state, and going to the opera. Most people left the opera halfway through in order to have more time to party at the posh hotel.

Thank you taxpayer.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 15:01, Reply)
I used to be a holiday rep. I was fired after a month or so when they discovered they'd hired an ill-tempered, cynical misanthrope with a particular hatred of tourists - but the freebies were great.

There was a strict rule that we weren't allowed to wear our polyester uniforms when in bars or restaurants so as not to bring the company into disrepute. But the locals believed the sight of my logo-emblazoned shirt was a signal to the tourists that theirs was the business of choice, and so they encouraged me to break the rules.

Long story short - I ate at every restaurant in town and drank at every bar FOR FREE every day for about six weeks. Never paid for a thing. And when I went back there on holiday the next year, they thought I'd come back as a rep and they gave me everything for free again. Including accommodation.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:58, 3 replies)
I once told BilboBarneyBobs that his Mother was a Hamster, and his Father smelled of Elderberries...
/abusing Freebies
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:58, 1 reply)
I write a column for one of the broadsheets
and regularly get sent things for free on the off chance that I will mention them in my column.

The best freebie so far is a Yamaha KX7556 flying motorbike complete with airbags and pop-out wings. I wrapped it around a tree within minutes of collecting it.

I probably should have had a licence.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:57, 12 replies)
Booze. Always Booze.
Company I used to work for had a raffle-book ticket system for complimentary drinks at the staff nights out.

Quick visit to the stationers, and there I am, slurring like a stroke victim, demanding my sixth (and by no means last) quadruple G&T of the evening.

Apparently there was great interest as to who was hoovering up Gordons & Schweppes at such a rate of knots when the bill finally came in.

(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:56, Reply)
Buffet for 200
About six months ago, I was invited to a two-day residential training course as part of my job as an IT spannermonkey. Well, lunch each day was provided by a catering company, and comprised of around 20 trestle tables arranged in a rectangle and piled high with the finest buffet foods - sandwiches, Indian snacks, sausage rolls, buns, fruit and the like.

On the last day, we're all (about 200 of us) milling around in the main hall having just enjoyed a splendid lunch. Then... over the tannoy...

"Attention all conference attendees. The catering company have informed us that attendees are welcome to help themselves from the buffet. Doggy-bags are available at the ends of each set of tables."

Now, did I mention all 200 of us are recent graduate employees? Which means all of us spent three to four years with no money, eating beans from dented tins by candlelight...

Carnage ensued. The coaches were due in ten minutes.

I have never seen such a scene of mass destruction. 200 ex-students descending on the food. But by far the best bit was the look on the caterer's faces as we pillaged the snacks, and loaded as many bags as we could get our grubby mitts on...

Oh, and the bit when one of the tables collapsed, sending vol-au-vents everywhere...

Happy days...
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:55, Reply)
Ah, I remember one...hmm, maybe more related to last week
My mate and I at the grand old age of 12 were at Royal Cornwall Show (annual agricultural sheep-fuckers fest). There were lots of freebees, but we were actually supposed to be taking notes (I don't know what on to this day). After stuffing our face with free bits of cheese and samples of Cornish cider, my slightly tipsy mate dared me to go into the Natwest tent to see if there were any freebees. Now, this tent looked scary because it had big ass body-guards outside, but I said "Alright". So I went up to the tent and enquired quite loudly: "You got any free stuff?". At that point I noticed the 100+ people gathered inside the tent looking all business like and sitting down listening to a seminar of some sorts, who had all turned around to look at me. The bodyguards, or whoever they were, said to me, "Go away, we have nothing free." And then came the moment of genius improvisation (i.e LIES) which impressed my mate no end....I said, "We've got accounts with you, so you'd better give us something." With much rolling of eyes, one of the guys went into the tent and brought back two pairs of sunglasses and two pieces of cake. Rock on. And that's how I abused Natwest for their freebees.

The joke is on me now, as I actually do have an account with them, and they suck somewhat. Click 'I like this' if you think Natwest should go to hell.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:54, 1 reply)
A bit like Scaryduck
I would like to add that, as a member of the editorial staff of Hullfire (the Hull Uni newspaper) in the mid '90s, I NEVER sat by the phone with a copy of the NME on my knee ringing PR people to get free records and guest-list places in return for a vague promise of a review.

No no no no no no.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:52, Reply)
Unlike Scaryduck
I don't even pretend to have scruples. As soon as I became editor of the tedious rag I'm in charge of, I sent off letters to all the finest eateries and hotels in the area, aprising them of the fact that my readership are all stinking rich.

And, lo, the replies doth verily come back every week inviting me to stay in the best rooms and eat for free in the cordon bleu resturants. Just last weekend I was staying in a £200 a night room and dining on the rarest titbits that the culinary art can produce. AND I got a free breakfast.

Did that stop me thieving all the bathroom goodies and filling my pockets with pots of French yoghurt at breakfast? It did not. The world owes me and I'm claiming in full.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:48, 1 reply)
Available to all.
Being something of a cheapskate, I found a website linking to numerous promotional giveaways on t'net. Most of the stuff on there was utterly useless to me, but with nothing more than a gammy hotmail account for the spammage, I found great amusement (I was VERY bored at the time) in sending some of this shite to the security lads at work;

Shampoo & conditioner for the bald guy,
Lipstick and makeup samples for the rampant homophobe,
Chocolate biscuits for the fat(test) one, etc. etc.

The best one had to be the free sample of incontinence aids that I selected for the young perv. Now this site even allowed you to select the size of sample you would like to receive. Obviously I picked the largest available, expecting some super-size tena lady in the post. I was quite surprised then, when a couple of weeks later arrived a large jiffy bag adressed to said perv, containing a full-size adult nappy. Many a chuckle was shared, as it stayed pinned to their noticeboard for months.

-Obligatory length joke-
It would have taken a 7-inch log easily! *badum-tishhhh*
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:46, 4 replies)
A scum-sucking journalist writes
I would like to point out HERE AND NOW that I have never abused my free National Press Pass to get into places for nothing with the bare-faced lie "I'll write you a glowing review when I get back to the office, honest".

Nor have I ever waved it in the face of a bored traffic cop to drive my car down the A31 near Poole which had been closed off while they scraped up a particularly nasty accident so I could get home 30 minutes earlier.

That would be, on the whole, A Bad Thing.

I have never done either of these things because they are WRONG.

That is all.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:43, Reply)
Well... we work with EMI a lot of the time...
They have fucking stacks of Cds, and you can pretty much get whatever you want...

So in our house, all the coasters are some of thei bilge that they pump out, all for free. Practical AND stylish.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:43, 1 reply)
Surgical spirits
This relates to a previous QOTW, in which I admitted to having taught while drunk and while getting drunk.

The scene is a medical school in the midlands that may possibly be attached to a large university in a large city the name of which begins with "B". Possibly.

I was a PG tutor* at the time; other tutors were medics who were volunteering their time. Just before the last session before Christmas, the department put on a buffet lunch as a thank you; it featured wine.

Notwithstanding the free food, we were shortstaffed that day: when the time came to teach, I was asked to take two tutorial groups at the same time, in different rooms. They could trust me - I was (and am) a good teacher, and very trustworthy - or so they thought.

Thing was, they didn't clear away the buffet: we might have wanted to graze again at the end of the session. Naturally, I devised a teaching method that involved 5 minutes in room 1, 5 in room 2, then a quick dash to the buffet to top up my glass, then back to room 1, and so on.

It was a large glass.

My teaching quickly shtopped being up to itsh ussshual shtandardsh.

*I taught people how to make tea, arf arf... Sorry.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:37, Reply)
Edible Packaging
Guy at work used to eat the maize based packing you'd get in large boxes of network/computer parts.

We all did to tell the truth

Tasted like (and looked like) stale Cheesey Wotsits, only without the cheese.

Don't see it much these days, but it's been years since I opened a cardboard box from cisco Systems. Think it's all polystyrene now
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:30, 6 replies)
Tenuous at best
When I bought my BB gun (a replica Steyr AUG - same one as www.b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/post98031/) the shop gave me a free magazine in addition to the one that came with it. Anyway, that was technically a freebie and it later proved amusing.

I decided I only needed one of the magazines, so listed the free one* on ebay and someone bought it. I got a parcel and wrapped it up and put it my car ready to drive to the post office.

I went to my mate's house first. He said he had stuff to post so he'd post my package as well whilst I buggered off to another shop. He didn't know what was in the package at this point. Whilst I was buggered off, he put the package on the desk, it fell open and the replica magazine fell out.

The woman at the desk pressed a panic button and he was shortly demanded to explain what it was by secruity guards, which of course he couldn't do despite them shouting more and more. Soon the police arrived with my mate in a back room surrounded by the secruity guards. One of them realised that it was only a replica magazine and so his ramblings about not knowing what it is and posting it for a friend were finally believed.

The first I knew about it was when my friend stormed into the shop across the road screaming "You bastard!"

*Might have actually been the other one. So there's a 50% chance this story wasn't actually about an amusing freebie at all.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:30, 3 replies)
Devon County Show
The school trip to said show was always a bit shit. seemed like fun on paper, but let's face it, it's an agricultural show.

The only good thing about it was the annual "see how much free stuff you can be given/steal while the stall owner isn't watching" competition

(the title needed some work)

the crowning glory of this event was when my buddy Stef and I managed to get our grubby mitts on 24 cans of Lipton-ice.

that's right, revolting iced tea that no one in their right minds wants to drink.

why did we bother....
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:28, Reply)
welsh tom
welsh tom is a legend and a hero. in his third year at medical school tom got so twatted on the free wine at the "come tell us your plans for the future" evening he was manfully carried out by his friends in front of a vast number of senior clinicians and med school staff and the dean of said med school.

good old welsh tom
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:26, Reply)
My next door neighbour's unprotected WiFi connection..

(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:25, Reply)
Students get rubbish freebies...
Free spatula? Gee thanks.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:23, 3 replies)
This is most definately a good one for students with all the Freebies we get.

Giving your mate a heart attack with those cardboard balls that pop-open in envelopes with a laccy-band

First post maybe!!!
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:20, Reply)
Free internet usage at work
Free petrol for the company vehicle
Free company mobile
(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:20, 4 replies)

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