I had an addiction
And Soz for lack of funnies.

About three years ago (I was 14) I was struggling to come to terms with my sexuality. I was quite depressed and nothing I did seemed to help.
I couldn't talk to anyone - because then I would have had to talk about my sexuality - and I wasn't ready yet.

One day I was in art class, and the stanely knife I was using to carve out a bit of balsa wood slipped and sliced my finger open.
That little cut made me feel strange, lightheaded, almost dizzy, but it also hurt. A lot. it hurt like a fucking bitch actually.

And suddenly I realised I had a way to make how awful I felt inside become physical. If it was physical, it could be dealt with. It got to the stage where I was hanging out for the next class break or my next chance alone to drag a razor across my skin to watch myself bleed. I had horrible cuts and scars all over my legs and arms but I couldn't seem to stop. I would use Razors, scissors, keys, anything I could find that was sharp.

One day things came rather abruptly to a halt when I was called in to the school counsellors office, my mum got called in too. I had to show them what I'd done to myself. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt so horribly guilty that they had to see how miserable I was - that I couldn't hide it from them any longer.

Three years down the track I'm cut free, and my (physical) scars have almost entirely faded. To look at me, to know me as I am now - you would never guess how dangerously close to the brink I had been.

I'm much happier now. I still have my off days, but coming to terms with myself and accepting myself really helped me move forward.

Now when I'm feeling depressed (very rarely) I eat chocolate, and I talk to someone about it.

Sorry for the length - I wasted 4 years being stuck in a horrible depression which led to that addiction.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 20 Dec 2008, 4:38, 6 replies)

:(
big hugs. i'm glad you've come so far - you're such a kind person, it's unfair for you to be in pain
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 9:03, closed)

I can empathise
I was a cutting self harmer too for a while, making emotional pain in to physical pain helped me over come my own gender related issues. The last time I self harmed was this year, but I have found a cure and that is self worth. I never knew I had any. My girlfriend helped me to find it.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 12:48, closed)

*hugs*
for you have a good heart

xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 14:59, closed)

I spent many years cutting
I have nasty scars on my arms and some on my thighs, too.

Good luck, sweets.

xx
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 3:17, closed)

*click*
I've never been a cutter myself, but I've dated a few... I know how hard it is to get it under control. Good on you for managing to come out of it what seems to be relatively unscathed.
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 5:33, closed)

Very difficult for me to read
You didn't waste four years being depressed. You had a disease.

Please try to remember that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 9:09, closed)