I expect I've already posted this one...
But anyway:

During my teenage years my primary pastime (yes, even more than playing Head Over Heels on my MSX) was, well, masturbation. I had a reasonable collection of porn thanks to the lively black market at school (this was well before the Internet made such items utterly redundant) and enjoyed nothing more than to spend a relaxed afternoon pulling my pud.

My problem was, of course, where to store it? I had no lockable drawers or cupboards, and was mortally embarrassed at the thought that someone in my family might somehow stumble across my stash and realise what i'd been up to.

I don't remember how I arrived at this cunning plan, but it was, if I may say so, ingenious. In the corner of my room was the airing cupboard, which had a hollow door. The bottom of the door was about a foot off the ground so it was a simple matter if rolling up a magazine and stuffing it up the inside of the door, where it would unfurl enough to wedge itself in place. Easy, job done.

After having thus concealed my prized collection, I realised that the previously very flimsy and light door was now very noticeably heavier and harder to open and close. This, clearly would give the game away in an instant -- but necessity is something or other and this was soon fixed when I rigged up a small pulley, a piece of string and the lead weight from my fishing rod: voila, a self-closing door!

I told my parents that I'd done it because I was annoyed at people leaving the door open all the time. And obviously the extra weight of the door was due to the lead weight and the friction from the pulley.

I was really rather chuffed at this solution, and it stood me in good stead for a number of years. It was only some 20 years later that my mother decided to tell me -- over dinner with my then-new girlfriend (now wife) -- that she'd been in one day, knocked the door by accident, and the entire stash had fallen out onto her foot.

But it was OK she said, she'd just rolled them up and put them back. She was happy because up till that point she'd been worried I was gay.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 13:36, 8 replies)

My own son
had trouble hiding his porn stash from his mum. I was sent to have a talk, with the expectation that I would persuade the lad to be pure in word thought and deed. Instead I persuaded him that between the mattresses was lousy place to hide spurting goods and that a much better place would be behind a panel we then constructed into the space between the wall and the rafters
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 14:56, closed)

Ha!
Now this is quality parenting.

Assuming you want your son to grow up to see women only as objects.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 15:40, closed)

I did make him throw some out,
things like the golden shower and hot lunch issues. It even made me gag.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 22:48, closed)

Someday,
I'll learn to stop looking these things up, and be happy in my ignorance.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 20 Nov 2011, 18:50, closed)

Are you gay?
They were gay porn mags weren't they? WEREN'T THEY?
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 15:06, closed)

This is magnificent.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 15:12, closed)

Proof that the internet is ruining the ingenuity of British teenagers.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Fri 18 Nov 2011, 17:59, closed)

Why did I google 'hot lunch'
Blergh.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 3:52, closed)