pearoast
from accidental animal cruelty, but i think it fits in better here:

Hector was our family dog when I was younger, a large ginger and white spaniel of undetermined ancestry. He was supposed to be a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, but blatantly wasn't. Still, he was a 'character', and quite the most repulsive dog to have ever lived. We would often find him eating pools of his own and other dogs vomit, and he would lick snot from us kids when we had a cold. But his most, ahem, 'endearing' feature was the method by which he cleared a room with his farting. Sorry, by room, i mean building, and on occasion, village. His farts were legendary in their vileness. Small animals in surrounding fields would pass out whenever Hector passed wind. It was bad.

One day, when i was around 9 or 10 years old, i was lying on the sofa reading some dismal Enid Blyton tome, with Hector lying next to me. All very lovely. Then he decided to get off the sofa, and stood up, before turning round to jump off. In turning round, he presented me with an unpleasant view of his chocolate starfish, far too close to my face for comfort. 'Ugh, Hector!' I shouted, as i tried to move away. But too slowly.
As i moved, i felt a puff of air coming towards my face. With a slow inevitability, the puff of air, green in hue, rolled through the air, revealing itself to be a Hector fart. I couldn't move fast enough, and as i did move, i breathed in. Yup, I inhaled the fart of my dog.

Well, to say it was nasty would be an enormous understatement. I gagged. I retched. And I ran to the bathroom to vomit copiously. It was as if Satan himself had been specially rotting some dead animals with some sewage, before capturing the essence to blast in my direction. I was SICK. I was able to taste that fart for days to follow, and couldn't eat for a while, as i felt so wretched.

Today, almost 16 years later, I still occasionally gag at the thought of this. I'm sure even now some of my lung cells are gently retching, whilst several tastebuds were annihilated, and will never again fully function.
( ascorbate, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 14:45, 1 reply)