Pond-Skater Attack
Yes, those things you see zooming about on the surface of the water.
Well, there are two kinds, Pond-skaters, and Water-boatmen. This story is about the latter.

When I was at uni I did a research project that involved collecting water beetles from ponds all over the south of England, taking them back to the lab, cutting their reproductive organs out, and taking photos.
I'm the Jack the Ripper of the insect world.
Anyway, we had to swish a net through the water to get these beetles, and sift through the catch to find the right beetles.

All ok until you find one of these: www.dkimages.com/discover/previews/934/80019831.JPG

They don't look much, but they bite you, inject a poison that breaks down proteins (which you're made of), causing horrific swelling and pain.

I was bitten on the leg by one, and I still have a hard lump there, a few years after.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:12, 50 replies)

Show us
your hard lump!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:13, closed)

Only if this gets
"Best of".

If we meet up ever, I'll let you touch it.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:16, closed)

I doubt it will
your writing needs more creativity*, like mine.



*for creativity, see lies
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:22, closed)

I know...
I can't lie* though.

*may not be true.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:26, closed)

I also cannot lie*
But people around here have very low standards. :D


*lies
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:27, closed)

I know...
It's ok, I have a story to tell about someone I know who had one of these:
newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41069000/jpg/_41069480_centipede_pa_ok2.jpg

But twice that size.
Those things eat bats in the wild.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:31, closed)

They're quite sexy
Imagine getting a handjob off one of those...


Ooooh... scratchy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:38, closed)

Bit of a risk...
They have fangs, and a lethal neurotoxic venom...

Any they're very, very bitey.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:40, closed)

I meant the guy with the tongs


/didn't.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:42, closed)

Nice work...
Do you get the feeling that everyone else is franticly rushing to finish work for Friday deadlines?

*looks forward to the bottle of Russian Vodka he left in the freezer this morning*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:44, closed)

Oooh!
I have vodka and beer, damn my daughter, I can't get drunk with her around.

Yep, it does seem to have gone quiet, unless of course everybody else was fortunate enough to get to leave work early.

My new employers don't do flexitime. :C
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:47, closed)

Mine kinda do...
But I'm meant to work until half five today.

*is running at 5, damn the consequences*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:49, closed)

I'm stuck here
til 5.30 monday to friday, and since I broke my laptop I can't b3ta at weekends.
I still read people's posts on my phone, but it's not the same.

*misses his b3ta friends at weekends*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:52, closed)

I'm busy
This weekend, got a practice with my band tomorrow, then going to the optitions.

*shudders in anticipation*
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:54, closed)

You's inna band?
Why do you not tell people these things?
Surely that's got to make you less repulsive to the opposite sex?

Opticians are ace, I hope you get a pretty one, who just stares into your eyes for hours.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:56, closed)

I was indeed
rushing to finish deadlines*

*may be a lie, I may have been shopping for an anniversery present
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:59, closed)

I'm in a band
sadly I'm the only member that can play an instrument. So I play all the instruments.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

You'd think that,
but my band kinda sucks at the moment, not been going long.
Got out first gig in a month, so practicing like Fury every chance we get.

Anyhow, I'm off home now, so I'll catch you monday.
Have a good weekend.
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

Byeee
have nice weekend
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:01, closed)

@al
Is it your anniversary this weekend then?
Congrats!

That's not a band al, they're not musical 'instruments' you're holding.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:01, closed)

BYE!
For the second time, Kaol. Have a good one!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:03, closed)

your right
it's a space station

*gets cheap star wars laugh*

No, I record the songs using multitrack software and drum machine software.

And anniversery is in two weeks, but i'm ordering a camera off of amazon so wanted to get it early to play with it make sure it works.

EDIT - actually it's three weeks, damn i'm efficient.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:04, closed)

Right, clocks gone five
I too am going to swear at other drivers on the A1.

Have a good one Bert
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:05, closed)

Ooooh, fancy camera.
So how long have you been with Mrs al then?

You fancy little tart, what kind of music do you make?

EDIT Bye bye al, you too!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:07, closed)

Ah, well
I guess it's just me then.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

Pretty boring here
all by myself...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

Ho-
hum...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

This place
could do with a bit of a tidy up...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:12, closed)

*puts 'So Macho' on the cd player*
*hoovers*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:13, closed)

*sings*
He's gotta be, so macho,
so, macho,
he's gotta be,
big and strong, and love to turn me on.

*hoovers around the sofa*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:14, closed)

*presses button*
*unplugs hoover*

*holds down lead retractor button*

*plug thwacks me in the groin*

Ooof!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:15, closed)

*cries*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:16, closed)

*Goes to bathroom*
*flexes in the mirror*

*blows kiss*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:16, closed)

*picks nasal hair*


*eats*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:17, closed)

*scratches backside*
*sniffs*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:17, closed)

*faints*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:18, closed)

*regains consciousness*
...wha..?

*sniffs*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:18, closed)

*faints again*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:19, closed)

*awakes several hours later in a pool of his own vomit and faeces
while 'So Macho', still repeating in the background, has become stuck on the word 'Macho'*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:21, closed)

MachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMacho
MachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMachoMacho......
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:21, closed)

*dies*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:21, closed)

*prods corpse with extended toes*
*raises one eyebrow with a wicked grin*
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 17:24, closed)

Oh my god
*feels incredibly guilty about leaving Bert alone without checking to see if he had taken his meds*

*resolves to write erotic story as fitting tribute*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 20:14, closed)

Whoops...
Maybe I should've left the window open for ventilation.

On the plus side I got lucky tonight...
( Cawl, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 22:47, closed)

@ Kaol
Will you tell Bert when he wakes up that you took advantage of him? Or just let it be a nice surprise?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 26 Apr 2008, 11:26, closed)

By 'got lucky'
Kaol means 'wanked over Justin Lee Collins'.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:26, closed)

Hahaha
Nah, I actually (somehow) managed to end up having sex. With a woman.
*shrugs*

Didn't see that one coming at all...
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:33, closed)

You are lies!
If you'd had sex with a woman, you would have been dancing about like a fairy, not posting on here to tell us about it!

*dances about like a fairy*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:41, closed)

Well,
It's hard to type while dancing, but what can I say, I'm fantastic...

On the cosmic scale of balance, however, it wasn't worth having sex, as I've got an absolute crap-loads of work dumped on me from a great height today.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 9:47, closed)

You would've had the work either way
So the sex is a bonus.

Unless she/he was a munter.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:10, closed)