I promised my ex-wife that I would never speak of The Spoon Laws on the internet ever again
THE SPOON LAWS

"What did you have for breakfast?" she asks.

"Err... toast," I admit.

"Did you use a spoon?" she demands, in a tone that suggests the offending implement has been found jammed up the dog's bottom.

"Why..." I say, struggling to find the logic, "Why should I use a spoon for toast?"

"I hate seeing butter in the marmalade and marmite in the butter. Use a spoon."

That told me. New house rule.

And so, the next day:

"Where are all the spoons?" she asks.

"In the washing up"

"And why?"

I count off on my fingers: "Butter, margerine, marmite, jam, marmalade, tomato ketchup, brown sauce, barbecue sauce, Chicken Tonight, Ragu."

"Is that all?"

"And the one I found up the dog's bottom."

"You disgust me."


Here is a list of other house rules I may have broken during my marriage. (Not included: "Don't wipe your itchy arse on the doormat, I don't care if the dog does it all the time")
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:10, 9 replies)

If there were no rules, anarchy would run rife.
Especially in the cutlery drawer.
( girlinthehole, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:42, closed)

I concur
I have moved from house where it is knife-fork-spoon to a flat where it is fork-spoon-knife.

I am utterly lost
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:49, closed)

Oh Christ
my housemates seem to think that the pizza slicer, can opener and other oddments belong at the front of the cutlery drawer, instead of at the back behind the plastic tray

*and breathe*
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 17:14, closed)

Clearly...
...there is an urgent need for some sort of cutlery drawer support group.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 17:30, closed)

Holy hole in a donut
Jayzuz, you married the woman I escaped from. Congratulations for getting out of there before killing her with a massive wooden spoon of death.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:48, closed)

final conclusion: you are a fucking twat.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:20, closed)

Yes. Yes I know
Next question please
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 21:16, closed)

You could keep this up all week, couldn't you!
Click.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 8:07, closed)

I do rather enjoy your blog
But your ex-wife has always sounded like a humourless pain-in-the-arse to me.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Wed 10 Aug 2011, 18:35, closed)