Like a kipper....
Several years ago I found myself on a project with an individual who's technical knowledge would haved struggled to fill a postage stamp. However, through being a friend of a friend, he ended up blagging his way into a role way above his skill set. He made up for this by being a sneaky little bugger, when an issue arose he would hang on the shoulder of myself or the other member of our merry band of three whilst we worked out what was wrong. As soon as you uttered what you believed the issue to be and how to fix it, off he would shoot like the flash, locate the nearest most senior person and, yep you guessed it..."We've worked out what the issue is, it's XYZ and I think we should do XYZ to fix it".

After about 3 months of this, I was getting pretty hacked off, until one day the perfect opportunity arose. A serious production problem occured for which I new what the fix was before I looked at (a fairly simple one), however I logged on, went through the motions with matey watching all the time, then stated that the problem was XYZ and the fix for it was to reboot the server, a drastic fix to a live service to say the least. Before you could say "faster than a speeding bullet" he was off.....

So cutting a long story short, he gave the powers that be the wrong diagnosis, got them to prepare to reboot a live service affecting a large amount of users, before I stepped in. I explained what the real problem was, that I'd already fixed it, there was no need for a reboot and asked how he'd managed to come to that diagnosis for the problem. Of course he tried to blame it on me, but that just made him look worse, he ended up on a "performance improvement plan", and he never bothered me again.



Apologies for length...
(repooc, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:24, 2 replies)

He's a veritable annoyance at times
Very well, he's a respected figure in society and has doubtless saved many lives and rescued countless innocents from exploitation, not to mention saved thousands upon thousands of pounds.

Yet I must say, though it pains me and fills me with guilt to do so, that he can be most - vexatious, is the polite word. Worst of all are his mood swings. Days and days and even weeks of torpor, and suddenly all manic activity and rushing about and dragging me along to the back end of beyond or some vile den of iniquity.

Consequent to this I can go months and months without hearing from him and then all of a sudden receive a telegram requesting my urgent and immediate attendance! It is not as if I do not have my own vocation - quite the opposite - I am as respected and valued in my field as he is in his.

He can also be extremely patronising. Granted, his intelligence is superior to most of the rest of the human race, myself included - but I am no idiot, though he often treats me as one by teasing me with riddles and condescendingly congratulating me when I have myself come to a conclusion he has already reached himself.

I'm not even going to start in his predilection for various harmful and addictive substances.

I often honestly wonder why I keep up my acquaintance with him, and the truth is that life would be extremely dull without him, so I must brace myself and put up with his peccadilloes.

Sometimes, though, just sometimes...

But hush I have said enough. I'd better not sign this under my real name in case he finds out... oh who am I joshing, he's going to find out anyway but if I just initial it I can at least have the comfort of plausible deniability.

Yours,

JW
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:17, 10 replies)

I went out with a girl doing Women Studies.
Christ knows what she was doing going out with a bloke in the first place.

As an aside; she once brought a mate back to my room in halls, in which I had a Union Flag hanging in the corner to hide the damp. Her mate came in, saw the flag, strode up to me and demanded to know why I had "a fucking Nazi flag hanging in the corner of my room?!". I sat down this mate and carefuly explained, with drawings, the difference between the Union Flag, and what it represents - ie - The United Kingdom Of Great Britain and Northern Ireland ... and the fucking SWASTICA, and HITLER'S THIRD REICH.

So anyway, this girl I was going out with and I argued a lot. I had brought myself up on and was currently very much in the middle of enjoying a steady diet of punk, anarchy, righteous indignation and sticking it to The Man, but I didn't come close to this girl.

During our last argument, she concluded her point with, "OH MY GOD! You're just so ... fucking ... MALE! ARRRRRRGGGGHH!"

She ended up marrying (yep) my best mate at the time. Poor sod.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:10, 11 replies)

I feel sorry for you all.
You are so unlucky to have met so many annoying people with irritating habits like these. I have been fortunate and I have never had a partner with any annoying habits. They have all been perfect in every way and I am the annoying twat with the habits that drive other people insane.

I know it's true. They all told me.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:07, 2 replies)

Jesus! where do I start?
My current partner doesnt actually piss me off over anything, which I know will be hard to swallow
/shakes spectacles like Eric Morcombe

But my Ex? Fucking looper! Thing which pissed me off about her..
*Arguments about how I hung up the washing, not that the sun gives a fuck.
*My inability to mind read
*Her getting huffy about me going out
*Her being sanctimonious about me staying in
*Her bleating on about having no money
*Her spending money like there is no tomorrow
*Randomly changing stuff, and then having an utter cow when I change it back, worried I was going to get the blame for it being moved
*Her obsession with dead people
*Her getting pissed off at my lack of empathy with her rampant hypercondria
*Her continual harping on about how crap my musical taste is but would happily dance to shit wedding DJs because "that's what you do"
*Her continual efforts to get The Last Word
*Her painfully annoying slamming the phone down, if The Last Word game was about to be lost
*Projecting her neurosis on to the kids

I am going to stop
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:05, 9 replies)

My current is awesome. (Yeah you fucked her etc etc, I know)
...and although she does *many* things that irritate me, I will fully admit that as well as being a petty cunt, I am equally as irritating in many, many ways, potentially more than her - and I don't feel putting my petty hates into writing will achieve anything positive, so I won't.

However, I bumped into an ex for the first time in a few years recently, and they managed to irritate me quite-a-fucking-lot within 1 minute, by the use of the expression....

"And it was so funny...."

"This is hilarious, right..."

"The funniest thing happened...."

before every sentence, amongst other variations.

Nothing was funny.

I think I dodged a bullet.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:57, 5 replies)

Technophobe
When ever Mrs Duck is doing anything with the Sky+ remote my hands twitch in frustration and her total ineptitude at getting anything done without massive detours into the wrong menus and pressing the wrong buttons and generally taking 20 times longer than a gibbon with cerebral palsy would take

In fact the same is true of any technology I absolutely have to be 'in the driving seat' if we are looking at stuff on the laptop at home together.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:54, 9 replies)

If your partner is a bit on the wobbly side ...
... never, ever, ever wedge your arse up to one of her buttocks while she's sleeping and use it as a resonator for a good, juicy, ripping fart. The sound is deeply rewarding but you'll find just how quickly someone can go from "peacefully sleeping" to "dementedly homicidal". And it's bloody difficult to dodge when you're laughing as much as I was.
(ubergeekian, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:47, 8 replies)

The comfy chair
My best mate used to call my Ex "the Evil One". And with good reason. There are so many stories I could tell, but this one probably encapsulates her quite well.
I lived with the Evil One and her parents for about 6 months after Uni as we were saving up to go travelling and saving money by living with her folks seemed a logical plan. I might add that her parents are really decent people, if a little over indulgent with their daughter.
They live in a classic 70's semi detached in an OKish area of a not so nice town in the North West. Their 3 piece suite had an armchair with a foot rest, AKA, "The Comfy Chair".
Every night, without fail, when the Evil One got in from work, whoever was in the chair would have to get out of it and let the poor little princess sit down. Evereyone. Even when the Ex's Mum had just come off a 9 hour shift. Even when the Evil One's Dad, who came out of retirement to help fund her university education, was half asleep after a full day's work on his feet. And me of course, made to look like a bitch in front of the quasi inlaws.
What a bint.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:36, 2 replies)

Having a mobile phone
and not taking it anywhere, ever, because it was too bulky. And then complaining that I didn't call her regularly.

*Facepalm*

She also once had a go at me saying I didn't love her because the fire alarm in our building went off and I insisted on getting up to find out what was happening. Apparently, if I loved her, I would have stayed in bed with her, even if there WAS a fire.

Finally, after we broke up, she once had a go at me for not getting a 'proper job', because I was working in Woolworths to pay my rent until I could get something better. She was unemployed at the time, living with her Mum, who was a 'Crystal Healer'.

She also had a go at me a while later for having a one night stand with a mutual friend, saying that even though we'd split up, I still should have thought about how it would effect her feelings. This conveniently ignored the fact that she'd started seeing one of my best mates a fortnight after we split up.

She's now a successful academic. No common sense, obviously, but there you go.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:33, 4 replies)

Confession time
If you want annoying partner stories, go through my post history.

This one isn't all that funny, just something I'm living through right now.

I've been hopelessly single for about two years now, and it has been a peaceful but not friendly divorce. Not sure why anyone would ever want a friendly divorce, myself.

Her big issue was that she was becoming a housewife, despite my best efforts to prevent that. So, she left me unexpectedly, and ingrained herself into a social group I'd introduced her to. Consequently, I've spent the last couple years avoiding all of them, in an attempt to respect her boundaries.

Anyway, last Saturday a bunch of them came to my favourite bar for a double-birthday party. Three of the guys there I still talk to, but the rest were all younger kids who joined the group after I left.

I got to talking to one of the girls there, and she asked for a couch to crash on. I was happy to oblige, and we began comparing notes to see how many mutual friends we had. Then she made the tragic mistake of mentioning one name, belonging to my ex-wife. Turns out they're apparently good friends.

What would you, b3tans, do next? I'm hesitant to post my answer on here, but I am torn about what to do next-next.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:31, 18 replies)

Wife and baby
My wife refuses to let our 9 month old daughter out of her sight. If she does and I am looking after or playing with her and she laughs/cries/gurgles at any volume, the mrs is right there in an instant "What are you doing, what's wrong with my baby, are you watching her??" etc.
That and letting the baby sleep on her when she should be in her cot as that means she is fixed to the sofa and I have to do all general day to day running about that has to be done in a household with a baby.
Length? Long for a 9 month old, gonna be taller than daddy ;)
(Darth Thump, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:28, 2 replies)

She smokes my weed
and thinks it's OK to eat my Tesco finest triple choc chunk cookies when I only have 3 left and they're in my 'special draw' which means THEY'RE MINE!
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:28, 5 replies)

I love my wife....
....but she's going to have to learn that THERE FUCKING IS A WRONG WAY TO LOAD THE FUCKING DISHWASHER. There may be more of these, I fear I may be a domestic nazi.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:25, 7 replies)

A tramp ...
let his dog on a rope shit on the pavement outside my house ... better than the ex-wife doing it - that would have been annoying
(Biff..., Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:16, Reply)

My girlfriend moans if I leave the toilet seat up.
So, i've started leaving it down.
Now she's complaining about the amount shit on the top of the seat.

I just can't win.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:11, 11 replies)

I promised my ex-wife that I would never speak of The Spoon Laws on the internet ever again
THE SPOON LAWS

"What did you have for breakfast?" she asks.

"Err... toast," I admit.

"Did you use a spoon?" she demands, in a tone that suggests the offending implement has been found jammed up the dog's bottom.

"Why..." I say, struggling to find the logic, "Why should I use a spoon for toast?"

"I hate seeing butter in the marmalade and marmite in the butter. Use a spoon."

That told me. New house rule.

And so, the next day:

"Where are all the spoons?" she asks.

"In the washing up"

"And why?"

I count off on my fingers: "Butter, margerine, marmite, jam, marmalade, tomato ketchup, brown sauce, barbecue sauce, Chicken Tonight, Ragu."

"Is that all?"

"And the one I found up the dog's bottom."

"You disgust me."


Here is a list of other house rules I may have broken during my marriage. (Not included: "Don't wipe your itchy arse on the doormat, I don't care if the dog does it all the time")
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:10, 9 replies)

My grilfriend finds it funny when she farts
But disgusting when I do.

The thing is mine are usually loud but clean but hers are like eggy hell
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:08, 4 replies)

I was having a stupid row with my wife last night
She resolved this by punching me in the face as hard as she could and walking away. We were stood by the entrance to Tesco at the time, so loads of people saw.

I wish I was joking.
(ScousersPet, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 15:01, 11 replies)

My current GF
has an annoying habit of pluralising supermarket names e.g. "Tesco's", "Asda's" etc.

It's fooking "Tesco", "Asda", but "Morrison's". Aaargh.

Is it just me that gets wound up by this?

Just me then.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:59, 9 replies)

A wee peeroast for now
jelly.b3ta.com/questions/mobiles/post493395
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:56, 5 replies)

My other half's a teacher
So instead of getting shouty or sweary when I fuck up, she sighs and does all that passive-aggressive "Well, it's only your own time your wasting" stuff.

While I'm not keen for her to turn into a bunny-boiler, I do wish she'd just lose it and shout at me sometimes.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:55, 2 replies)

That bloke, right?
He's a knobhead.

That is all.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)

my wifes sister is massivly crosseyed and anoys the fucknuts out of me
by looking at me when she talks to some one else or looking at some one else and talking to me.
i feel there may be possibility for facial gags with this woman but how can i tell if i have her attention or not?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:51, 12 replies)

5th

(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:50, 2 replies)

David Cameron
Yours,

Nick Clegg.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:50, Reply)

3rd
this is gonna turn into another irrational hatred bitch fests isn't it?
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:49, 1 reply)

your wife

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 14:48, 1 reply)