Attempt, Failure, Success
Quite a few years ago I was feeling mildly dodgy one morning (I had taken to drinking heavily in order to forget my shitty job, and also for the joy of drinking heavily) and thought I would take the opportunity to blag myself out of Friday’s work in order to better ease myself into the weekend. Tragically, I was told that I’d "better come in else you’ll regret it" and that made me pretty angry, though not angry enough to get sacked, so I got dressed and then ate an entire 500g block of vintage cheddar cheese. I had got a mild case of food poisoning from some dodgy cheese the week before, and figured that my "sicky memory" would eventually register my subconscious dislike for cheese and hopefully make me throw up. All I had to do was hold it down until I got to work.

The train ride went okay and the first forty-five minutes of work went along as well as you might expect, and I was getting a little nervous, afraid that I would never vomit. As luck would have it, at about the fiftieth minute of my increasingly-horrific day, a colleague was standing by my desk talking about something, and as I was nodding my head unenthusiastically and saying "Yeah, yeah, okay, sounds good, I'll get ri-"...FLOOSH! A tremendous fountain of hardly-digested Cracker Barrel in milky-white bile, replete with the amber tang and acid burn of last night’s bottle of Old Crow, erupted spectacularly from my mouth, covering my keyboard and the front of my desk. I hadn’t even felt it coming up. It got all down my front and my colleague made a hasty retreat – legend has it that she went and had a little vom herself in the kitchen. The boss, from his office two rooms down the hall, had actually heard the spew hitting the desk and he came storming out, demanding to know what was going on.

Long story slightly less long, I got the rest of the day off, and was also told that I didn’t have to come in on Monday either if I didn’t feel up to it. Naturally, come Monday, I didn’t feel up to it. Got sacked a month and bit later for "not being a team player" but fuck it, my puke-corroded keyboard and mouse got replaced by some fancy wireless kit which I nicked.
(The Turgid Dahlia, Wed 14 Jun 2006, 6:19, Reply)