4 years, 2 months and 3 days…

Buggeration, time passes quickly! Wrapping up what B3ta has done for me without making it sound like a sycophantic awards ceremony is going to be difficult…but hey, in the name of my grizzled grot-socket (which after last night’s lovely takeaway is now as fiery as a dragon’s nostril) I’m going to give it a bash!

First of all, I’m sorry my posts are so ma-hoo-sive. I just can’t stop myself. I apologise for that. I have been on the arse end of so many ‘TL:DR’s that I was thinking of having a tattoo done. On my forehead.

I realise that I am an overly convoluted, simile-riddled and alliteration dropping 3 trick pony (if I’m lucky). Yet some people have been kind enough to say they like what I write - and that feels cocking brilliant. Not only have I not yet made AB’s blessed 'fail archive', I have actually once received praise from the archivist himself (he probably won’t thank me for reminding him of that). I have been lucky enough to have my rubbish rambles copied and pasted on other websites…I’ve even been published (including on a certain gay-magazine that I was ‘informed’ about, not being a regular subscriber and all that). I believe that one of my posts has even been turned into an animated mini-movie thing. I have been very lucky.

Before I continue, I cannot recommend going to bashes enough. It’s one thing having an idea about how great these people are, but when you meet them, those feelings generally increase tenfold at least. These guys fucking rule – you should meet as many as possible.

Now…before the 'credits' - I thought long and hard about naming names, but I won’t. I don’t think I have to, you know who you are.


After discovering B3ta I quickly began to read posts by a man I consider to be a ‘living legend’ who after just a couple of my initial meagre efforts, went out of his way (by reply) to welcome me to B3ta and say that he thought I had a talent... (before saying he was going to send some militia men to come round and kill me). Without his endorsement. I wouldn’t have carried on. It meant a metric fuckload to me in the early days; I have never forgotten it and now (for what it’s worth), when I see a noob on QotW whom I consider funny or talented, I will send them a gaz to welcome them.

Then there’s the lady…in my opinion, the ‘First Lady of B3ta’, who inbetween writing some crotch-grabbingly saucy and funny-as-fuck posts, gave me free legal advice which directly saved my family and I thousands of pounds when the council tried shafting us…The council are cunts…she is wonderful.

I remember the ‘twisted literary genius’ who offered advice and coaching on my writing ‘style’. (How he must tear what’s left of his hair out at every post I spew onto these pages)

There’s the man that gave me shedloads of advice regarding earning a few extra pounds from home when I quit the band…

The man who sent me demos of his music…and humours me by saying he values my opinion.

The man who picked me up and took me for a mad razz up and down the A46 in his Aston Martin.

The people whose IT savvy have saved my sorry arse countless times- and allowed me to post another day…with a special mention to the man that has developed the proxy that allows me to post from work.

There’re countless people that take the time to reply to posts. The ones who are kind enough to say they miss me when I disappear from B3ta for months due to my job, and the ones who welcome me back when I return with a fresh pile of bollocks to dump over these sainted pages. The ones who sympathised when my nephew was tragically paralysed in an accident. The ones who (badly) fought back the sniggers and sympathised when I got gout…the list goes on.

There’re the few B3tans whose intelligence, social awareness and writing ability eclipses mine on a quite biblical scale yet they still take the time to let a pleb like me run amok in their playground.

There are so many more...I remember the ‘fireballs’ who come blazing in to b3ta, quickly getting followings, becoming too big for their boots and burning out early…

I remember Wanking Wednesdays…I remember everything...

But most of all… there’s a lady that has been a selfless, unending supply of friendship, support & encouragement from the day I popped my B3ta cherry. The first person to congratulate me when I did well, and the first person to tell me to 'stop being a twat' when I was…well…being a twat. The bash she threw will always stay in my memory, but not as much as the complete awesomesauce that she regularly dedicates to everyone on here. She is a national B3ta treasure who deserves nought but our unconditional love and respect. Her class and grace is priceless. I salute her.


Along the way I have offended some people – but not too many. People can usually tell when I’m full of shit (i.e. most of the time). And I thank the people who gaz me their objections to my posts and allow me to explain myself. Every single time the dispute can be resolved amicably, and there grows mutual respect.



This site is chock full of people that share their thoughts, fantasies, shit jokes and personal tragedies with us all. I laugh, cry, applaud and spit god-knows-what all over my monitor regularly because of you. B3ta is like a family. You get out of it what you put into it.

There is no monetary value that can be placed on having a community like this…on being able to share your feelings, knowing that you can rely on an honest answer. We all have it here in abundance…and all you have to do is ask. Let's not take it for granted.

Every single person mentioned here has made a difference in my life. Yet not one of them had to. The internet is faceless. They could have kept their opinions, knowledge and advice to themselves, and we would never have known they existed. Yet they choose to make that effort as an act of kindness to a stranger, and sometimes their only motivation has been because they liked the stuff we write here.

Cherish what you have here, people. B3ta is classless, ageless, raceless…and free…in every sense of the word.

Whilst we continue to have our highs, lows, heartaches and health problems etc. (btw if somebody with B negative blood has a spare kidney, let me know) B3ta will prevail. So many of the posts we read are humbling in the fact that they have actually helped people to live better lives…

And why do we do this?


Because B3ta…B3ta is what we live for.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 17:50, 15 replies)

Alright there, b3ta twin?
Where the fuck have you been?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 17:56, closed)

Ho'way, big boy!...

I've been in the pub! - hence my simpering post! Captain Placid took me out for a few scoops this afternoon, got me squiffy and told me to piss off home and put something on B3ta.

On a slightly wider scale...I've been working...sort of.

However - This is an official warning to B3tards. On the 25th Sep I start my new job which means I have shedloads of B3ta time spare. I will be back, therefore strongly advise everyone to get out while they can.

How are you sir, and how is everybody?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 18:01, closed)

Not bad, ta.
I'm limbering up to go and watch the match in the pub later. I'm also now unemployed, having decided to get out while the going was good.

I shall now hand you over to the missus.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 18:12, closed)

Promises promises...

;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 19:24, closed)

What can I say?
She gets distracted easily. She drove me to the pub last night and then probably forgot all about it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Sep 2011, 13:53, closed)

I don't know...
... a couple of pints and you turn into a circle-jerking hand-knitted-tofu-eating fairtrade-hessian-panties-wearing disabled lesbian social worker!
Where's the swearing?
Where's the poo-pantery?
I'll give you the excessive length (ooer mrs etc.) but I'll be expecting far lower standards when you return fully to the fold.

Carry on
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 18:20, closed)

If it counts...

I shat myself somewhat whilst I was typing it.

Wiggle my griddles that was a quality reheated takeaway!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 18:28, closed)

I miss you and the Captain so much : (

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 18:55, closed)

It won't be long, kitten...

My new job means that I'll be back on these glorious boards by the end of the month...

so in other words, everybody will be telling me to 'fuck off' again by early October :(
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 18:58, closed)

*gleeeees*

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 19:20, closed)

Yay!
I've missed you!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 0:59, closed)

Good to see you back pooflake
you have been responsible for many office lols. I look forward to your proper return and not this gushy shite :)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 9:41, closed)

i go to the trouble of tracking you down via TCL on FB
and then you pop up here

thoroughly inconsiderate

; )
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 11:40, closed)

I see you accidentally omitted meeting me as the best day of your life
I may not be able to forgive you for this
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 13:07, closed)

FLAKEY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*bounces*
Knowing your return is imminent will entice me back on here more often :o) I look forward to smooshing you again on a regular basis \o/
*chest bumps* xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 18:36, closed)