I seem to have embarrassed myself.
I managed to summon help by utilising my bugle training and playing Reveille on the teapot for six consecutive hours. The young men from the Ambulance Service were most amused to find that I hadn't broken my hip, but was in fact lying on a cheese grater.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 17:08, Reply)