Dates are not the only fruit... there are apricots, too
This isn't so much a bad date, as a string of hopelessly inept ones... culminating in a bad date for her.

Way way back in the mists of time I used to cycle to work, and pass a vision of platinum blonde gorgeousness who I was desperate to get to know better. For convenience, let's call her Sheree (as that's what I first thought she said when I asked her name).
Somehow I managed to engage her in conversation and gave her my phone number. Unbelievably, a couple of days she rang me! We arranged to meet at a local pub for a couple of drinks one evening soon.

So with nerves a-jangling I met her for our first date. The evening of delightful banter with a beautiful lady that I had envisaged didn't quite materialise though; mainly because she was terminally shy, up to the point of barely speaking. Even when I asked her what she wanted to drink the most she could manage was “I don't mind”, without even looking me in the eye. We didn't so much chat as I talked at her & asked her questions, all answered with “Don't know”, “Don't mind”, “Oh” and similar.
After what seemed like forever she had to go, so I offered to walk her home. We strode in silence, and when she got to her gate she said “See you then” and disappeared before I even had a chance to say anything.

Somehow I managed to convince her to come to my house one night; again, disaster ensued. We listened to a bit of music, chatted a bit – she'd started to come out of her shell, even asking me at one point “Haven't you got a TV?” (we didn't – me and a friend shared the house, and we'd filled the lounge with our guitar gear). Generally though, it was just as awkward as before, culminating in my friend coming home early, which was the cue for Sheree to decide that she needed to leave. Again, I walked her home in silence, and again she pulled the front gate vanishing trick.

A couple of weeks later, my aunt asked me if I could babysit my cousin. This was my chance! A house to myself, WITH a television. Best of all, it was round the corner from Sheree's house! Perfect! A film, bit of wine, arm round the shoulder, job done.

Saturday came, the arrangements were made, and I spent the day playing my guitar, planning my conquest, and eating an entire bag of dried apricots.
Come the hour, and I'm walking to my aunt's house. This is it, this is the day I'm finally going to get my hands on the object of my affections. Ooh, I need to fart! Haha, then I shall fart – better now than when we're on the sofa together... oh dear, that felt a little bit... errm, “3D” O_o
Yes, the apricots had had a terrible effect on me and I'd managed a little shart. What to do? I know, I'll pop into my mum & dad's on the way and clean myself up. Sorted!
So, cleanup operation done I continued my journey, once more with a spring in my step. Got to my aunt's, my cousin was already asleep... excellent! My aunt won't be home til 2 or 3... splendid! And here's Sheree now... perfect!

We sat on the sofa, engaged in our peculiar one-sided “conversation”, and I put the film on. All going according to plan...
...
...
...
...and then the cramps started; as the apricots worked their dirty magic. Excusing myself, I darted to the bathroom, where I did my best impression of THAT scene from Dumb & Dumber – except that thankfully, the toilet *did* flush afterwards. Twice. Yep, it was that bad.
The rest of the evening is a blur. Apparently we watched a film, but I don't remember. All I can remember is constantly excusing myself and transforming the bathroom into a foggy brown no-man's land, while the toilet paper (seemingly) got scratchier and scratchier.

The clincher was when she had to use the toilet. I sat miserably on the sofa thinking “Please don't go up there”. When she came back down she sat on the other sofa, and when the film finished she told me she had to go. At the front door I asked if she fancied going out somewhere again soon. Finally she looked me in the eye, and with a sad-sounding “I don't think so” she turned and walked out of my life.

I found a new route to cycle to work.
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 9:35, 5 replies)

I like this
And have clicked accordingly*.

*not 'Honda' accordingly of course. If that was the case I would've roundhoused my supermodel girlfriend through the keyboard.
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 11:06, closed)

Pinning me against a wall in the process, no doubt :)

( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 12:13, closed)

Chopping your head off as tho she were a smaurai sword more like!

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 6:44, closed)

The same effect actually got me laid once
(I'm not going to post this as a new thread, because it hardly counts as a bad date, and I've posted it before)

I'm at the house of the girl of my dreams, and for once the chat is going well - she actually seems to be enjoying my company. I start to wonder if I might actually be able to make this happen! Probably over-optimistic, given my usual track record, but hell, you never know!

And then it happens. The strange columbian fruit I'd eaten at lunchtime suddenly makes its presence known. After a few gurgles and twinges, it becomes apparent to me that things are about to get very real, very quickly. Luckily my house is only a few minutes away, so in the middle of a sentence I stand up, announce that I have to go, and shoot out of the door.

I just made it, before spending several hours in the toilet that I have no wish to dwell upon. Eventually the crisis abated, and I even managed to clear up before staggering off to bed.

The next day, I was surprised by a knock at the door. The girl in question had been so startled by my sudden exit that she'd come around to see if I was OK. And, later that afternoon, I became very OK indeed as we tumbled into bed and spent the rest of the day there.

I suspect that, if I hadn't been struck by explosive diarrhea, I would never have got so far with her.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 12:59, closed)

This and my post are working together to keep the universe in balance

( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Tue 22 Oct 2013, 14:18, closed)