Barred from Tesco for not attempting to steal...
About four years ago I was on my way home from a mate's house at about 2 a.m. and decided to pop into our local 24-hour Tesco supermarket to buy some cheap DVDs I had had my eye on. Nothing nicer than an empty supermarket - peace and quiet!

Went in, selected said DVDs, saw there were extra-cheap (2 pairs for a tenner!) jeans - hurrah, perfect for making into groovy flares (as I'm a bit of a hippie)! Went through an entire shelf of these, trying to find my size.

Security guard walks up, I smile at him, he says "And what the f*ck are you smiling at?". I replied, rather meekly, "Oh, nothing; you having a good night?". Obviously this was the wrong thing to say, as he put me in a fell-nelson, frogmarched me out of the store, an threw me face-first onto the concrete.

A tad dazed I trotted home, the next day contacting the store manager to complain about the 'somewhat tetchy' guard. I was told that I had been suspected of shoplifting, as the security guard thought he had seen me wrapping the DVDs in the pairs of jeans...which was entirely untrue - to my knowledge the movies were still sitting on another, otherwise empty, shelf next to the jeans section... Now quite how anyone would be able to remove things from the store via the checkout this way without paying for them, I have no idea, but it seems a pretty poor way of shoplifting to me (especially as I had my debit card in my pocket and was obviously intending to pay) also received a letter a day later saying I was barred from Tesco and would be forcibly removed if I was seen in there again. Twunts.

The moral of the story is this: Never be the only person in a 24-hour store, whose security guards are ill-tempered for no apparent reason, vicious thugs, and lying cnuts, as there'll be no witnesses to advise the authorities of the true course of events. Haven't been back to the store since, and the twat of a guard still works there - so avoid Tesco in Weston-super-Mare, or firebomb the place if you're passing! ;)

No apologies for both length and girth, as I'm sure the security guard mentioned will be told by his cellmate, when he invariably ends up in jail for being a thuggish twat.
( kitaro is all, like, "Nifty Biscuits" 'n that..., Mon 4 Sep 2006, 0:24, Reply)