b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Barred » Post 60733 | Search
This is a question Barred

I've only ever been barred from one pub, the "Fort St George in England" on Midsummer Common in Cambridge.*

I was part of a group caught drunkenly trying to add our names in biro to a historic signed cricket bat. I still have the pint glass I was holding as I was chucked out.

Where have you been banned from?

*All pubs in Cambridge have posh names like this. 25% fact

(, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 12:00)
Pages: Latest, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, ... 1

« Go Back

No more parties.
I never get invited to parties any more -- my party trick at a recent fancy dress party was not well received! What is my party trick, you say? Well I'll tell you.

There's me, my gran (who's not wearing her dentures), my brother (who happens to have Downs), a pregnant pre-teen and a cow, and we all arrive when the party is in full flow.

First things first, I grab my gran's head and shove it up the cow's cunt. It's quite dry as it goes up so my nan actually gets friction burns on her face and I hear agonising muffled moans. The commotion however excites the cow and soon a flood of vaginal juices rush through the cunt and soak my gran's head. They penetrate every hole in her head, and she pulls her head out gargling some of it. I then force her head into the cow's arsehole. This begins to choke her immediately, as she swallows chunks of dung in her desperation for air. She's dies.

I then pull her out of the cows arse, lay her on the floor and pry her mouth into an open position. Then I simply begin to rape her in the face. I am completely unrelenting in my effort to blow my load, and the repeated thrusting motion begins to crush her skull. By the time I'm done my gran's corpse looks a state, all covered in shit and blood (the blood, coincidentally, is hers -- not from the tearing of the cows anus, which was severe). As I spuff all over her face, I'm running out of ideas and the the whole party trick looks to be going downhill -- for a split second.

My brother, with stacks of comic timing, rolls in in a bathtub filled with aborted foetuses. He gets the party going again by ripping the head off of an aborted foetus and throwing it into the crowd. The head is spinning as it's thrown so blood is propelled in all directions, even landing in one party-goers eye, before landing in the arms of the five-year-old daughter of the host of the party, who promptly bursts into tears and wets herself.

My brother, undeterred, calls onto stage the pregnant pre-teen and hands her a coat-hanger, and she performs a manual abortion right there among the stench of the rotting foetuses and my gran's corpse, which itself is beginning to muster quite a whiff. Her blood-curdling screams as she performs the operation are terrifying, and the amount of blood is surprising. The baby falls out of her and lands on the floor with a thud. My brother picks up the foetus and sucks the blood off, and then puts it back on the floor before we all gather round the dead 'baby' and piss and shit all over it, and as a grand finale we kneel down in the pools of piss, shit and blood and finish with a round of jazz hands.

We thought it'd go down better. We said we'd be turning up as Aristocrats, and thought they'd appreciate the irony *sigh*.

Apologies for my gigantic erection.
(, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 15:19, Reply)

« Go Back

Pages: Latest, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, ... 1