my one and only job
when i had just turned 16(and before i became too unwell to work), my aunt left her job in a small chocolate shop. she spoke to her manager before she left and managed to get me an interview.
result! my dream job!
i arrived the next day to find that the shop was being run by a toad. short, fat, greasy, he seriously looked like he'd give you warts if you touched him. he showed me around the place, pointing out the large cauldron-type chocolate melting device and the erotic chocolate moulds. yes, they made chocolate cocks and boobs.
after the brief tour, he showed me to his office and gave me a cup of tea, along with a large plate of chocolate "seconds". all was going well. he told me that the pay was only minimum wage, but i could eat all the chocolate i wanted. i think i almost fainted with pure pleasure at this point.
i should have realised something wasn't right when he said he'd take my N.I number after i'd worked my week in hand.
the following morning, i turned up for work bright and early. he turned up an hour late. upon entering the shop, i realised that he'd obviously done a quick clean the day before, so that i didn't notice the filth. there was fag ash all over the floor(seriously, the shop had closed an hour after my interview, how much can one man smoke?), it looked like he'd emptied the ashtray and missed the bin. there was hair(his) and mouse crap(not his) under the counter and the wooden ladle used for stirring the chocolate hadn't been washed since moses was a lad. i decided to overlook all of this for the freedom of being allowed to smoke while i worked and, of course, the chocolates.
about 11.30, he came out of his office and handed me a cup of coffee. "stir that chocolate for me love, there's a good girl" and, to punctuate, he slapped me on the arse. now, i know sexual harrassment is a serious business, but i also know that a lot of older men still see women in the workplace as little girls playing at work until they find a husband. men like this see nothing offensive in an arse-slap, so i let it slide.
i really, really shouldn't have.
half an hour later, he came out of his office again and stood right behind me. "are you a playful girl?" he asks, sliding his arms around my waist, "i bet you are, aren't you?" and, with that, he started grabbing my boobs! i shrugged him off, too shocked to retaliate properly. he must have seen the look on my face, because he scuttled back into his office. ten minutes later, he calls me in.
"ah, smash monkey. i'm sorry, but you're just not working out. i'll let you work to the end of the day and pay you for it there and then, but i won't be needing you after today." WTF??? i wouldn't let him cop a feel, so he was firing me??? being 16 and never having worked before, i had no idea what rights i had, especially as i'd signed no contract and there was no official record of me ever being there, so i went back out to the prep area, stunned.
within 5 minutes, however, i had stopped being stunned and was well into fuming. i looked at the cauldron, where quite a large quantity of fine belgian chocolate was gently melting. after making sure that toad-boy's office door was closed, i set to work. i grabbed a broom and swept the floor, gathering all the fag ash, dust, dirt, hair and mouse crap i could find(which was a lot) and dumping it into the chocolate. i stirred it in well, then went to the fron of the shop and took £30 out of the till for services rendered. i then went back to toady's office, slammed his door open and yelled "fuck you, you pervert, i'm off!" and left, filling my pockets with untainted chocolates on my way out.
that shop was closed down less than a year later, after toad-boy was arrested for the attempted rape of his newest shop girl.

length? not even a full day.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 11:40, 12 replies)

Your aunt....
...must have known what he was like???
(keeferreefer, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 13:37, closed)

my aunt
is the same aunt who lost my 3-year-old sister in town and then went back to my parent's house to tell them she'd lost her. she wouldn't be the sharpest knife in the drawer if the drawer contained nothing but her and 3 wooden spoons.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 14:15, closed)

You get your revenge on your boss by tainting the food of people who hadn't done anything to you?
You fucking scum! What the hell is wrong with you?
(Musuko, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 19:13, closed)

i'm pretty sure he didn't sell it
even a retard like him would have noticed the fag ends.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 3:28, closed)

I stand by my previous statement.
You stirred it in well. You didn't leave it unmixed and obvious. You stirred it in. As if you wanted him not to notice until too late.

Again, scum.
(Musuko, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 11:47, closed)

^^
This. Taking revenge on strangers makes no sense.

You should have pretended to seduce him, then dumped the hot chocolate over his knob.
(Horgy, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 22:47, closed)

hey!
i was 16, pissed off and not altogether familiar with the ways of the world and workplace. i would do it differently now.

also, that chocolate was being melted to be poured into moulds slightly thicker than an after eight mint. no matter how well anything was mixed in, fag ends would be noticed IMMEDIATELY. even one would be cause enough to dump the whole batch, thereby leaving him out of pocket without harming customers.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 5:56, closed)

why
are you too unwell to work?
What happened?
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 6:15, closed)

@Misskitty.
She ate some of her special chocolate.
(Musuko, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 14:18, closed)

misskitty
i had kidney stones that weren't diagnosed until they'd done some serious damage, going where they weren't supposed to go and grafting themselves to my innards, thus needing to be cut away, thus leaving my insides resembling some kind of funky swiss cheese.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 19:24, closed)

You know...
...I can't help thinking I'd have taken a bit more than thirty quid.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:59, closed)

thirty quid seemed about right
for a day's work. i may have left him out of pocket over the chocolate, but emptying the till would have been a step too far.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:49, closed)