'Directors'. Oh, and 'Management Consultants'
Or "grey-suited personality bypasses" as I refer to them if the expression "goat-felching twat" would be out of place.

Some advice.

Don't do 'Power' Handshakes.

Just don't. Never, ever, ever.

I have met and worked with people from every walk of life. From members of the peerage to outright confessed criminals and everything in between. Even the Welsh.

You, yes you with your 5 series,obsessive emailing, conspicuous Red Bull consumption and physically unsatisfied wife who is getting her ration from the window cleaner... will NOT impress me by trying the power handshake that you were obviously shown at some wanky photocopier sales training seminar in the early 90's (when you weren't getting pissed up on watered down Stella, nicking complimentary biscuits in the local Travel Hell or failing totally to get your leg over the bar staff or the token female on the course). You're still a twat, just a twat with a silly handshake.

Don't amuse me with attempts to 'control' the conversation. If it's blatantly obvious that you aren't listening and are providing your own script to the conversation in what laughingly passes for a brain, then I'll hand you over to the most boring, anal member of staff and go and have a coffee instead.

I just felt I had to share that.

The number of these 'magically improve your sales' courses I've endured while in a complete vegetative state, all hosted by a 'consultant' earning stupid money who can persuade equally thick Directors that their system will transform the planet and make FatBastards(UK) plc mega-bucks...

(they could just try honesty, returning phone calls, doing what was promised and the mandatory culling of all 17 year old sales trainees called Kevin)
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 11:50, 9 replies)

What's a power handshake?

( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 12:08, closed)

Who's Kevin?

(wing_cmdr I mean not real, but almost a real hologram, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 12:23, closed)

Guide to a power handshake
Approach your new acquaintance with a confident, alpha male stylee stride.(Note this implies that you are more important than the other bloke and are in fact taking vital time out of your much more valuable schedule).

While approximately ten feet away extend arm, right hand horizontal, with palm facing downwards. You are attempting to 'force' the other person to 'submit' by turning their palm upwards. Simultaneously announce yourself at annoyingly loud and inappropriate volume as either "Mr So and So", or "Full Name, Director of Corporate Coprophilia".

This apparently shows you as a really important business type and all will bow down and worship you.

Kevin? Now Kevin and his ilk are worthy of a tale to themselves...
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 12:47, closed)

Cheers for the explaination osok
I'll keep an eye out for that one - not happened to me yet, but there's time (and I work in the right environment)
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 12:54, closed)

CLICK CLICK CLICK
You Sir, get a click for the term "goat felching twat"! I haven't even read the rest of the post!
Nice one.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 13:15, closed)

Take a 'click'
Wow! All good and nicely written. Just shows that real life is like 'The Office' too often to be funny.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 13:27, closed)

I'll let you into a little secret....
I'm the only person in the country who has never seen an episode of 'The Office'.


Do I get some sort of award? Or will the BBC have me hunted down by a pack of international assassins?
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 13:32, closed)

Power Handshakes
I don't think women ever get on the receiving end of these (erm...so to speak...).

We do however end up on the receiving end of limp handshakes or ones that only grasp our fingertips - other women are often the worst for this. Just bloody shake my hand properly!

Men who do the whole power trip thing tend to quake when women 'of a certain age' (and I don't mean retiring age) simply raise an eyebrow. Alternatively I've found flashing my knickers always stops them.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 13:47, closed)

A-ha!
So THAT's why they do that.

I just assumed they were numpties who hadn't worked out how to shake someone's hand properly.

Well, that strategy spectacularly failed with me then, I'll add that to my 'how to spot a twat' list: 'Moustaches' being the only thing on it so far.
(inflateable, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 17:27, closed)