Going to the pub
This is only loosely related, but then I suppose this is a QOTW for all those random stories which just spring to mind.

The favoured after-work drinkery for myself and my staffroom colleagues is a couple of miles away through the bits of the city that disappear into rolling countryside. It serves good beer and cider, and is far enough from the school to prevent our well-earned drink turning into an impromptu Parents Evening.

But this isn't a story about the pub. It's a story about going there.

About halfway there is a different, small school, one of the many private institutions that dot the perimeter of Gloucester, and outside is the inevitable lollipop lady; someone with whom I have a passing acquaintance because I teach her son. One particular Friday, I was suffering quite a thirst, but was just about attentive enough to see the friendly crossing guard on the offside pavement, holding out her pole in a 'let me cross the road please' sort of way. I obligingly eased to a halt.

Not so the vehicle behind me, the ubiquitous white Ford Transit, with it's occupants of ubiquitous chavs wearing stripy polo shirts and baseball caps. As I slow down, they get closer and closer, until grinding dramatically to a halt some two inches from my rear bumper with a screech of breaks. Chav number one leans out of the driver's window and bellows "What the fuck...". It occurs to me that he is so stupid that he hasn't seen the flagging bright yellow lollipop which is waving all over the road.

This supposition is proved to be correct as he grinds the Transit's gears viciously into reverse and then first, and slams his foot to the floor, trying to burn me off in a cloud of black smoke. Only when his van is fully blocking the opposite carriageway and about five feet in front of my car does he realise that there is a crossing lady and two kids trying to get across the road, and his brakes take another pounding.

One of the kids is screaming at this point because her friend has tripped and fallen in front the van of twattishness. So crossing lady, nice and slowly, ushers both of them across and makes sure they are safely on their way home. Then, with a smile and friendly wave to me, she makes to return back to the opposite pavement.

But before she gets there, she turns to the van and looks Chavs number one and two square in the eye. She turns and marches towards the van. I was expecting her to go and ask them to be more considerate in future, but what actually happened was even better.

The fire of devilish fury rising in her eyes, she brandishes her lollipop like Conan wielding his sword. I swear to god she actually swung it around her head.

"YOU! STUPID! FUCKING! CUNT!" she bellows like Brian Blessed on ecstacy, punctuating each word with an almighty blow of the lollipop on the bonnet of the van, before stalking off in the general direction of the school. Myself, the children, and the gentleman approaching the crossing from the other side break into spontaneous applause.

As Chav number one leaps out of the door and inspects his mangled bonnet, I sneak a glance at Chav number two, who is sitting bolt upright in his seat, mouth open in mixed amazement and pain, as though he had just witnessed the queen taking a dump.

Restraining the rising hysteria, I motored off to the pub, leaving the scene of justice behind. Two hours later, I drove past the scene, seeing two very bemused van drivers still trying to explain to a bored-looking policeman what had happened.

Length? A tad over six feet, I believe.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 16:20, 4 replies)

I'm now crying, desperately trying not to laugh at this
*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 16:51, closed)

Nice one Lollipop Lady!!
( Vambo, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 18:39, closed)

lollipop
it is my belief that each and every crossing guard should undergo intensive training and then, upon completion of a theoretical and practical eamination, be issued an RPG to be able to efficiently deal with such idiots as you describe. at least it would cut down the number of repeat offenders...
(Singularity was tiny but amazingly dense on, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 23:07, closed)

that
or let them FIRE THEIR LAZOR

O o
/¯/________________________
| BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
\_\¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 10 Aug 2010, 7:44, closed)