My mum had the knack of turning things that should be Gorgeous into things that made you gag.
Not because she used bad ingredients or just boiled/burnt everything to a charcoal-y mush but because she had Aspirational Ideas. Bloody Waitrose and their magazines for ordinary folks pretending to be middle class.

'Spiced Beef Mince'- sounds like a nice idea- what spice? Chilli? Paprika? No- ginger and nutmeg and aniseed and cloves...ukkk! Maybe if it was lamb I might have suspected Morroccan influences but this should have had more in common with mulled wine...

Chicken with thyme stuffing sounded alright but thanks to the new fangled Microwave Cook Book it was done in the nuclear oven (doesn't end up with dry meat it claimed) and so never browned or crisped or reduced the fluids that bubbled away under its skin. Net result, no delicious crispy skin and 'wet' grey meat. Vom.

Pork mince Bolognese with half-bay leaves scattered throughout... chewy, meat-tasteless and bitter. The runny puddle of fluid left to trickle about the base of the mound of minced squash ball texture meat was like the plasma you get left with after centrifuging the red blood cells our of whole blood.

Lamb casserole made with neck cuts, with the white rubbery spinal cord visible through the vertebrae that you had to pick meat off if you wanted to get any protein.

Plain leeks cooked in a pressure cooker, fine. Then ruin them by sprinking nutmeg along their length. WRONG!

Fish and chips? ooh YES PLEASE. Oh hang on, fish not in batter but poached in milk (and a greasy slick of fishy oil sitting on top) and no chips but string beans with the strings so tense they could be used to knit together for a bowstring, made you gag as you attempted to swallow.

Asparagus soup that I plain refused to eat and she wouldn't let me leave the table until I'd finished it. Cue a 4 hour afternoon sitting looking at it not get any more delicious as it cooled and solidified.

Rice pudding? ooh yes. But with Basmati rice, skimmed milk and gelatine. I've seen less firm silicone sealant used for bathroom tile sealing. Ugh.

At one point and utterly pissed off with hearing the expression 'Urrrrrr!' at the dinner table, mum suggested we supply her wth a two-week alternating menu that we would accept without complaint. Mine consisted of a lot of 'ham or cheese sandwiches' as I assumed it would be impossible to fuck those things up. She refused as that was 'not cooking at all'.

Best food evah?

Butterscotch instant whip.

Which only attained mythical status because we were not allowed it because of its common appeal and adverts for it on ITV, which were were also forbidden, made us ask all the more.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 26 May 2011, 19:48, 4 replies)

This reminds me of Grandad psykopath's favourite slow cooker dish:
1: Take the duck and slow cook it in plain water until everything goes grey.
2: Skim off the blobs of fat from the top, take the duck out and carve it.
3: Take the wobbling grey chunks of meat, coat them in marmalade and grill them.
4: Serve with lukewarm mushy peas. Bon apetit.

And no, Grandad Psykopath is not senile. In fact, of all my family, he's probably the sharpest. No great achievement, but there you go.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 26 May 2011, 19:55, closed)

INSTANT WHIP

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 May 2011, 20:15, closed)

Made a bowl of it the other day and attempted to EAT IT ALL!
I failed. Very, very filling..
(Sir Itchalot has a very self-referential signature, Thu 26 May 2011, 20:29, closed)

You nancy.
In my prime I could down a pint of that before it even set. Never mind Angel Delight and its feeble 3/4 pint of poshness.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 May 2011, 23:20, closed)

it's a narrow line of decency which many who have seen advertising cross- and seek to imitate..
to assume you can gild the lily of Angel Delight by anointing it with a piping bag florette of Dream Topping. That's just Food Porn plain and simple and no mum (or mum of a friend I stayed for dinner with) was man-pleasing enough to go to that effort.

Oddly enough you can buy them in the canteen at work for £1.25 now. sadly, putting a price on it destroys the mystique.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 27 May 2011, 2:49, closed)

£1.25???
It was about 8 pence a packet a few* years ago.

*thirty
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 27 May 2011, 8:25, closed)

Scutterbotch !!
(polar69, Thu 26 May 2011, 21:55, closed)