The Magic Ring
Seeing as most people seem to be revelling in the bad birthdays rather than the good you can all share my comedy pain. For my fifth birthday my parents hired an entertainer by the name of Sheik Ali Oasis; a big fat man, dressed like an Arab who did magic tricks. I was really into magic back then and, being the precocious little twat that I was, kept telling all my friends that I knew how he was doing every single trick. Of course at one point the Sheik heard me and called me out to the front to prove it. He began the magic ring trick; I'm sure you all know it, two solid metal rings that he would clash together and they'd become magically linked, tadaaaaah etc. So he asked me how he did it, I didn't have a clue. He made me feel the rings to make sure he wasn't cheating (he wasn't), told me to try it and, much to everyone's amusement, I failed miserably. Anyway, he was really funny, I had a great day so didn't mind getting my come-uppance and learning not to be such a pretentious little get.

Now my brother's birthday is only nine days after mine (he's two years older, we're not really freakish twins or anything) but guess who my parents hire as an entertainer for his party? So only nine days later I'm called out to the front again. I protested but my mother gave me the 'ruin your brother's birthday and just see what you get' look. So again I felt the rings, watched him do it, had a go and failed to do the trick again. But he was still funny so I still took it all good-naturedly, if just a smidge embarrassed.

He came to mine and my brother's birthday the next year and the year after that and the highpoint of everyone's day was the inevitable moment when I would be called up for my humiliation. I must have made quite an impression on him, because skip forward ten years and our family was at some fair where he was doing tricks. He actually recognised me in the crowd and pulled me out to try the bloody trick again! Before he even handed me the rings he put his arm round me (now 16) and told the entire crowd this whole story and naturally, they all laughed their arses off at me when I failed again. Curse you crude racial stereotype! Curse you!

However the real punchline only became apparent a couple of years ago. I was reading the local paper when a name caught my eye. The headline read "Local Childrens Entertainer On Sex Offenders Register". Turns out that Skeik Ali Oasis was offering other forms of 'entertainment' to certain children. So there you have it, for a few years, in celebration of my own as well as my brother's birthdays my parents forced me to fondle a paedophiles ring. Beat that!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 10 Dec 2005, 10:20, Reply)