Alternatively
If it moves and it shouldn't, slather it with WD-40 until the greasy residue drips from its surface like the blend of half-evaporated snakebite, puke and KY jelly that congeals on your thighs when you wake up on a Saturday morning in a strange bed. The shame will freeze the offending object to the spot.

If it doesn't move and it should, capture enough ducks to surround the object entirely and tie them together loosely around the object using heavy-duty adhesive tape. The circular downdraft created by the angry flapping of a flock of mallards will blast the object from all sides and create a vortex of momentum (harnessing the power of duck-duct tape) and before long the object will be wrenched from its moorings. Or possibly moorhens.
( .Yeti., Sat 12 Mar 2011, 14:13, 8 replies)

I like this.
Except the part about shame. I hate shame.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 14:51, closed)

That's a shame

( SteamedCleaner, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 23:34, closed)

NOOOO!!

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sun 13 Mar 2011, 9:54, closed)

No-one likes shame.
That's why it's so effective.
( .Yeti., Sun 13 Mar 2011, 12:16, closed)

I like this too.
It's like a flashback from my youth.
( girlinthehole, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 18:26, closed)

thank you
i have been wondering how to detach things from my moorhens for quite some time.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 19:56, closed)

yawns
comedy is not your forte. this is shit. Sorry to have to break it to you. come back and try again when you develop some talent for this sort of thing. no hard feelings. Just some friendly advice.
(Roosta, Sun 13 Mar 2011, 13:55, closed)

Just because you don't like it...
Criticism is not your forte; this is shit. Sorry to have to break it to you. Come back and try again when you develop some talent for this sort of thing. No hard feelings, just some friendly advice.

Also, work on your English. I've copy-edited my version of it for you, so you can see how grown-ups do it.
(Sir Itchalot has a very self-referential signature, Sun 13 Mar 2011, 21:44, closed)