OK, I admit it
I have a few 'self-help' books. Everyone needs a little support sometimes. and if you're too much of a hardman to talk to friends, it helps to turn to such titles as:

Heal Your Life with Balance - I bought this one a few years ago. It teaches how most of life's problems can be solved by standing on one leg or leaning forward at a precipitous angle. The idea is that the position takes your mind off your troubles. I used it when I was fired from my last job for taking covert pictures of my female boss defecating. As the police arrived, I simply opened my arms and leaned forward on one leg to embrace the calmness.

Smell Your Way to Joy - This cult classic teaches that we should learn to open our senses by smelling as much as possible. Nothing really smells bad when you have trained your senses to find the joy. When all of my immediate family was burned alive by a band of marauding motorcycle convicts, I took solace in the delicate aroma of jasmine. When my pet cat was eaten by conger eel, I was comforted by a phial of frankincense. And when I was set upon by a pack of pitt bulls, I turned my mind from the pain by sniffing at the pheromone secretors around their anuses - an act that seemed to infuritate them all the more.

Find Your Inner Jew - I'm a firm believer that we can choose whatever religion we like. Everyone knows that the Jews have one of the best religions and that they they always throw a lot of money around, so this book helped me to fit in at my local synagogue. By plaiting my sideburns, wearing a fedora and carrying a pocket Torah, I soon discovered that the Jews were not as welcoming as I'd imagined. and instead bought a copy of Happiness Through Allah.

Soothe Your Rage with Fruit - this masterwork really changed my life. Before I read it, I would often attack people on the street and beat them into a coma with repeated screams of "Why! Why! Why!" But I soon learned to eat a piece of fruit whenever I felt the rage coming. In no time I was walking around with pockets stashed with kiwis, cherries and passion fruit. Unfortunately, it backfired when I was accosted by a bouncer when all I had was a carrot. He now breathes through a straw.

Find Your Passion in Muesli - Dr Fanny Bumalott's book on the chemistry of muesli changed my sex life. Before, I was listless and willing to whack off all day to porn on the Net. But after I learned to combine oats and wheatbran in a balanced muesli, I was humping pets, colleagues and even strangers non-stop. By adding some pumpkin seeds, I could go all night with a boner like a baton.

The Pleasure of Poverty - selling my house and all my possessions to send a cheque to author Brian der Hoore was the best thing I ever did. Suddenly I had complete clarity and was able to seem my life as it truly was - over.
(frankspencer, Tue 20 May 2008, 12:56, 3 replies)

apart from the cat poems
that was the first decent laugh of the day *click*
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 20 May 2008, 12:59, closed)

You should write your own self-help book Frank.
Heal yourself through sarcasm.
( girlinthehole, Tue 20 May 2008, 14:44, closed)

^^This

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 20 May 2008, 22:42, closed)