I love men, I swear it officer
I was stalked for a while by another female who was quite in love with my breasts for whatever reason. But that's not what this story is about.

A year or so after my horrified-moment-of-realization mentioned in my stalking post, I started doing regular check-ups with another high school friend. We'd get together on instant messenger and trade information about the Lesbian Stalker. It was a mutually beneficial relationship: my friend hated the Lesbian Stalker and loved gossiping about her, and I wanted any information that might imply that my stalker was going to murder me in my sleep and hack off my breasts as some sort of trophy.

Like I mentioned, my Lesbian Stalker's Ex-Boyfriend (LSEB) got in on the action. What I didn't mention is that he sent my friend naked pictures of her. It all started like this:
Friend: "LSEB sent me naked pictures of LS. Wanna see?"
Me: "Dear god no."
Friend: "Really? Here, I'm sending them to you."
Me: "Why? Why would you do that?"
Friend: "She has these perfect little breasts, you have to see them."
Me: "No. I don't"
Friend: "I think her boobs are more perfect than mine. Just look at the pictures."
Me: "Fine... okay... yes, they're pretty nice I suppose."
Friend: "Damn it. I'm jealous. Do you think they're better than mine?"
Me: "Beats me, I've never seen yours. Pics?"
Friend: "Oh... hold on... there you go"
Me (secretly thinking that my friend's breasts are vastly inferior): "Uh, oh... god... um, apples and oranges. You have lush bouncy squeezability, she has a perfect little porn-star A-cup. It's hard to say who wins."

Side note to men: in case you're wondering, women do hot shit like this all the time when you're not around. Pillow fights in our panties, lurid comparisons of our breasts, hell, we even let each other squeeze our breasts. But, y'know, generally just when men aren't around. Right, ladies? And though most of us won't admit it, there's definitely something fascinating about breasts.

Continuing. A few months later, I had completely forgotten about the incident mentioned above. What's worse is that I had completely forgotten that I had topless pictures of two of my female friends lurking somewhere on my computer. My sister came to visit, and within five minutes of using my computer she manage to stumble upon them, then rolled her eyes at my explanation of why I had them.

Normally, this wouldn't be so bad, but I was a late bloomer and hadn't had a boyfriend yet. Plus I'm not attracted to Johnny Depp, so my Hetero License was confiscated a few years back. Of course for the next few months, my mother kept mentioning how "even though your father says rude things about jews and blacks and gays, it doesn't mean he won't love you for whatever you are." Thanks, mom. Straight though.

Even though I've racked up a few men by now, my generally flippant attitude towards relationships means that I still get the occasional reminder that my parents will love me "no matter what."


Anyway, that's how boobs ruined my credibility as a lover of men.

Stupid perfect breasts...
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 8 May 2010, 0:45, 16 replies)

You know what we're going to say
So I don't have to. Just do it.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sat 8 May 2010, 2:31, closed)

I can be a bit dense at times
...but I believe you are saying that I should provide you all with naked pictures of 17-year-old girls. Is that correct?
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 8 May 2010, 2:44, closed)

Ah, nevermind then! Missed that. I sincerely hope they've been deleted already.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sat 8 May 2010, 3:12, closed)

Cool. Got that cleared up then.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 8 May 2010, 3:59, closed)

17 is legal here

:oD
(itsOnlyGoingToGetHairier, Wed 12 May 2010, 15:25, closed)

You're doing this on purpose aren't you?

( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 8 May 2010, 9:23, closed)

attention-ometer...
primed and ready...
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sat 8 May 2010, 11:00, closed)

Really?
Over half the posts for this QOTW qualify for attention seeking, and you're bothering to point it out for this post*? Man, that's a valiant effort...


*Which, I actually can't see how it's attention seeking other than the fact that people seem to get all confused and bothered over the mention of boobs. Seriously, go hassle one of the people that's bragging about their cup size or that of some girl they banged back in the day. As far as I'm concerned, just bragging = attention seeking, and bragging within a relevant context (preferably amusing one) = a-okay.

So, first of all I'd like to point out one thing: you do know that the best way to deal with an attention seeker is to IGNORE them, right? With a true attention seeker, even negative attention strokes their ego. Notoriety is better than being inconsequential. Posts pointing out that a person is an attention seeker just feed them. Which is more likely: the poster is overjoyed that you posted and boosted their comments/reply count, thereby likely drawing more attention to a post that could have died alone and forgotten, OR will they seriously be all "ho noes this person doesn't like me, I feel ashamed and worthless"?

That said, there are still motivations for a person to make a post like yours. Just make sure you're doing it right.
1. The sheer trolliness of it all. Man, it must be infuriating for people to comb through their comments and come across a post like this. With such little explanation, it makes a person ask themselves "Why would they say that? Do I really come across like that? I must defend myself forthwith!" This is GREAT fodder for starting stupid fights online. Just make sure to respond with unfounded allegations that will inspire the person to continue to fight back. Eventually they'll stop trying to reason with you and will just start all-caps-ing obscenities about your mother. Then you've won.

Another great way to throw fuel on the fire is too point out silly little typos. See, I've written in a manner that doesn't make readers feel as though they are getting dumber by the minute. I actually spell out words and capitalize and everything yet I'm sure you are just dying to tell me that I used "too" in a place where it quite clearly should be "to" a few sentences back. (Go ahead, mention it. It's making me cringe too). Of course, when being a grammar/spelling nazi, make sure that you yourself use impeccable grammar/spelling. Screwing up that one is rookie mistake and may make your fellow trolls turn on you.

2. FIRST! a.k.a. I WUZ HERE! This one is more of a marking-of-territory thing. If you can be the first to accuse someone of attention whoring it up, you get a medal. But only if other people jump on the bandwagon - if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it's because you are just a douche and no one cares. There's an art to this. If you don't jump on an attention whore as soon as you spot one, someone else might beat you to it. On the other hand, you need to have mad attention-whore-recognizing skillz in order to ensure that you don't look stupid for picking on someone that everyone else likes or considers to be too insignificant to waste time on.

If you aren't the first, don't let that discourage you. Your post can always add to the certainty that this person is, in fact, an attention seeker. What's that? It's a bit redundant, you say? You might think that, but you'd be wrong. The more people to point it out, the better. One post calling someone an attention-seeker is easy to ignore, but forty posts really start to seep into the psyche and destroy a person from the inside out.

Just because you're late to the party doesn't mean you have to be inventive either, a simple one-word post would suffice. Make sure that the one word is clear and to-the-point though, because if they can't figure out what you mean, they'll ignore it. If they ignore it, you haven't done your part. And if you haven't done your part, you don't get to feel smug and superior. You wouldn't want that, now would you?

3. The court of public opinion. This stuff is a spectator sport too, so make sure you don't forget your audience. Let's say that you have a victim and you want an internet community to join you in heckling the person. The best way to do this is to cater your "attention seeker" post to that community. I would advise the use of an inside joke, preferably in the form of an image. Words are easy to skip over, while images really pop out. Also, by referencing part of the community's pop culture, you show belonging and are more likely to draw attention and support.

If you're good at this you can make a name for yourself, but then you're stuck in a niche. On the plus side, it'll take a lot less effort to get the ball rolling on a bash-fest. On the other hand, if everyone expects you to be their doubting-Thomas beacon of guidance in determining the worth of a post, you'll have trouble with making genuine posts. Wouldn't you feel bad if you inadvertently brought the wrath of the internet down on a person you approved of just because others assumed you were being sarcastic? Plus people appreciate smart-asses for being amusing, so you aren't allowed to post some serious story about how your dad died in a car accident last week. With great power comes great responsibility. You might need two accounts.


Anyway, I hope that all helped. If you would like to add any constructive criticism/advice/actual discussion of this post, go for it. If you would prefer to be ironic and post a troll-y reply, knock yourself out. Just know that I will be ignoring all replies that don't include the phrase "banana hammock." That'll take care of the tl;dr types...



That is all.

Oh, and Jay Leno is a douche.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sun 9 May 2010, 1:55, closed)

blimey.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 9 May 2010, 10:59, closed)

Re: The side note to men
Is this basically an overview of the quantum mechanical thought experiment* known in common parlance as "Schrödinger's Lesbian Grope-fest"?

*_{Read: my cheap wank fantasy}
(LongJohnBaldry, Sat 8 May 2010, 12:21, closed)

Precisely.
I think you should start a wikipedia page for that.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 8 May 2010, 23:09, closed)

17 years old?
Perfectly legal in the UK so just send em to us...
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Sat 8 May 2010, 22:11, closed)

I've long since deleted them, so I'll have to redirect you to ratemyknockers.com.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 8 May 2010, 23:03, closed)

Horrah!
Well that's my afternoon sorted then!

(Can't work out why Banana Hammock is funny, when Melon or even mango would have been so much more appropriate)
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 11 May 2010, 13:30, closed)

Not now they're not
The law was changed a few yeas back. So if you have pictures of 17 year old boobies, then you're officially a paedophile.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 10 May 2010, 19:44, closed)

I like this
like fucking love

In so many ways, but the side-note is superb.

Shame about the photos.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 11 May 2010, 15:03, closed)