And this is why mummy left you in a bag on the steps of Tesco.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 8:46, 1 reply)

It's the best way to ensure a child grows up middle-class.
Pikeys leave their crotchfruit on the steps of Netto.
( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 8:57, closed)

I was left in an artisan basket at a farmers market in Chelsea.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 9:09, closed)

With a baby bottle of organic wheatgrass juice?

( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 9:13, closed)

One of the most amusing anecdotes I've read on here was the writer being in the Chelsea branch of Waitrose and hearing a child's voice cry
"Oh Mummy! I've spilt cous-cous all over my petticoat!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:00, closed)

This is my kids only it'd be in Franglais.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:27, closed)

Posh voices on children legally entitles you to beat them to death.
Allowing them to pick up local accents, however, is nothing short of child abuse.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:34, closed)

Leave it, Vaggy.
You're only going to start up the "I don't speak with an accent, you do" argument, which is as stupid as it is perennial.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:50, closed)

I prefer the "What constitutes art?" conversation.
Guaranteed lols.

I say lols, I mean "coma".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:54, closed)

I have no time for art, anymore.
Entertainment is where it's at - artists can fuck off.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:06, closed)

"What's that? You're a guitarist?
"No you're not. You're an admin assistant, who happens to play guitar in their spare time."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:09, closed)

I'm a guitarist in a rock band
who dreams of becoming a world-famous admin assistant.
( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:11, closed)

I've been opining on slebbridy culture recently.
They're doing a job. You're a musician? Then play music - we're paying you to do that. You're an actor? Act, then.

You don't idolise an admin assistant because of their filing skills, you don't adore the middle manager for talking inane pretentious balls, you don't scream to have sex with a chippy because he put in that built-in wardrobe so well.

It's very, very silly, slebbridy.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:16, closed)

Stephen Fry had a rant about this at one point as well.
He railed at how the term "celebrity" was basically synonymous with "famous but no-one knows why", and balked at being on the same talk show as someone introduced as "the famous celebrity".
( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:23, closed)

To be fair, Stephen Fry doesn't really specialise in anything other than having stentorian tones and being friendly but patronising.
At least Keith Richards, Richard E Grant, Brian Cox, Justin Beiber are all experts in their respective fields.

But I still don't know why such is hailed as a reason to wet oneself and throw knickers at them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:29, closed)

Beiber's management and producers are experts in their field.
The boy himself is incidental.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 13:19, closed)

You'll be telling me he doesn't mean every word he sings, next.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 13:38, closed)

I particularly like how meeja slebs they think the whole world needs to watch their industry back-patting events.
They're about as fascinating as the Double Glazing Annual Awards in Slough.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:32, closed)

This is part of what makes French television so shit.
99% of programmes on after 20:00 are divided equally between chavscum reality TV and talkshows where a bunch of people who apparently make films/music/books/etc. sit around a table, eat sweets and say "Look! You're famous! And so am I! Let's make jokes about our respective careers for three hours as if we were down the pub, and get paid €25,000 a night for doing it:"
( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:36, closed)

Also ... I know someone whose missus left him for the chippy who fitted their kitchen.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:34, closed)

But you're over it now, right?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:37, closed)

It's a lovely kitchen.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:47, closed)

She's a lovely woman.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:49, closed)

Similarly-ish
I know a plasterer who CLAIMS that on one job he was roped into a threesome with a woman and her husband, which all went terribly wrong when the husband began thrusting his penis into the family dog.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 11:59, closed)

Reading that back, I don't actually believe it for a second.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 12:00, closed)

Hahahaha
The internet sound of the penny dropping.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 12:04, closed)

Was the dog's name Razzle?

( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 12:01, closed)

No they stood at the top of the park
Yelling at the dog "come here Readers Wives".....
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 12:19, closed)