Have a pearoast
A guy I went to college with used to brag that he had a one carat diamond left to him by his gran. Now, I knew at the time that his gran, although as mad as a bag of wire-hangers, was still alive and well. I also knew that both his parents were blind and were truly impoverished. No heating except for sitting around the oven door sort of poverty. His parents would certainly not be as skint as they were if there was a one-carat diamond kicking about that could be sold on.

Anyway, we got sick of his prattling on and told him to put his money where his mouth was sort of thing and provide proof, knowing full well that he couldn't.

Well, the next day he turned up at college and fished out a small blue velvet purse. He emptied it into his hand. If it was indeed a diamond, it would be more like a 60-carats. It was about the size of an almond and not particularly shiny. I was closest and I could clearly see it wasn't a diamond. It was more like a drop-crystal off of a light fitting. He brandished it loosely before slipping it back into the pouch so nobody got a proper look anyway.
I pointed out that it smelt of countryside somewhat and he flashed it about some more.

"Look see, a one-carat diamond" he protested.
Anyway, the subject changed as we all took it as bollocks anyway.

Later that afternoon we were leaving college and diamond-guy, me and another kid were just crossing the road, when someone pushed him to the floor and grabbed the purse from his pocket before running off. We helped him to his feet and I was bursting, trying to contain my merriment when the kid that pushed him over came back.

"This isn't a diamond, it's a piece of plastic off a lampshade you lying cunt" and bolstered his argument by pushing it into diamond-guy's mouth and cuffing him under the chin to shut his trap and stop him spitting it out. He then pissed off again.

I had to wander off to sit in the bus shelter before I fell over laughing when diamond-guy started spluttering and the other kid had to punch him on the back to stop him choking.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 9:53, 1 reply)

Vast
pedantry note - the carat is a unit of mass, and is equivalent to 1/5 of a gram. So a 60 carat diamond would actually weigh a shade under half an ounce while a one-carat diamond would be very wee indeed. (The carat used when referring to gold is a measure of purity, with 24 being near 100% pure gold.)
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Fri 14 Jan 2011, 10:56, closed)