ian
can't believe i forgot about this wackjob.

ian, when i met him, was a 24-year-old alcoholic. he'd spend a lot of time in the local pub or the off-licence next door, where he was allowed to sit for a while as he was so entertaining. ian went everywhere in his slippers because, he claimed, he was allergic to shoes. he had a large alsatian dog, which he said he'd trained to run a bath for him and answer the phone. the dog could supposedly bark "hello", but only when answering the phone.
i definitely think there was a problem with either his hearing or his brain, because the way he confused or misheard song lyrics was epic. his favourite songs were See Sar Seminee(We Are Family) and Suranar Sura Baby, Yeah(Would I Lie To You). he was odd, but very funny.
he once accosted a customer in the off-licence, telling her that he had magical pants that changed colour. after convincing her to look at his pants, he proceeded to piss himself.
the weirdest and most serious thing he did was at the local nightclub(Secrets in bootle, if anyone remembers it). he got up on the dancefloor, in his slippers, and began to boogie.
then, he faked a heart attack. in the middle of the dancefloor.
nobody knows why and he said later that it wasn't faked, but he was out of hospital by the morning.
sadly, ian continued to drink to excess and smoke foul rollies for the next 2 years, until he actually did have a fatal heart attack at his home. it wasn't until the day of his funeral that most people believed he was really dead.
r.i.p ian, you weird fucker.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 16:20, 4 replies)

"r.i.p ian, you weird fucker"
Ha haaa haa! That's brilliant. Hope I have something similar in the obits. And Secrets in Bootle. My God. I remember a Secrets in Harrogate. Were they a chain or something?
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 17:49, closed)

no idea, but i loved that shithole
the last couple of years they were fighting to stay open, so it was 50p to get in before 11 and 30p for a bottle of carling. where the fuck they managed to get it from for that price, i have no idea.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 17:52, closed)

"after convincing her to look at his pants, he proceeded to piss himself"
had me in fits of laughter. Have a well-deserved click.
(Uncle Comrade, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 12:49, closed)

ta :)

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:05, closed)