Sales Bollocks...
It's 2003. I'm not long out of Uni, and somehow I have ended up in local newspaper sales.

It's our first day, and me, Adam, and Claire have all been there since 9am, listening to a parade of speakers telling us what we need to make it in sales. It's a bit like Glengarry Glen Ross if it was set in the over-heated back room in a 1960s office building in Birmingham, and instead of Alec Baldwin calling you a 'fucking child', you received your sales education on how to sell adverts for £10 a time by a parade of bored people in dodgy suits.

It's now about 4pm, and one of the sales managers is talking us through some acronym that we should always remember when we're selling (I think it might have been AIDA, for those who have also done sales training... we'd already covered 'Smile when you Dial'). Anyway, Adam has been on the verge of cracking since lunch, and is now so bored he's clearly starting to fidget and get agitated. As the sales guy drones on, Adam finally gives in to temptation and vents:

'But hang on... we're basically going to be on the phones selling cheap ads to people who actively WANT to buy advertising... that's why they're calling... is this relevant?'
[Rueful chuckle from the sales guy as he propped himself on the end of the desk]
'Even if that was true, Adam, we'd still need to understand how to sell so we understood the psychology of the customer and could help the client shape an ad, wouldn't we?'
'But it's advertising stuff people either want or don't want, isn't it? If you want a drill, you might but a drill if it's a decent price and a good model... if you don't want a drill, you won't?
[Sigh from sales guy...]
'Look Adam... Let me put it this way... you seem to think that when a man buys a drill, he buys a drill [dramatic pause]. The way I see it, mate, when a man buys a drill, he buys a hole in the wall... think about it'

I kind of know what he meant, but still...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:07, 1 reply)

You can't close shit - YOU ARE SHIT
Actually it's Al Pacino who calls Kevin Spacey a "fucking child" [amongst other things]

Worth posting this, it's beautiful:

Alec Baldwin: Let me have your attention for a moment. 'Cause you're talkin' about what...you're talkin' 'bout...bitchin' about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch don't want to buy land, somebody don't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw, so forth, let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

Kevin Spacey: All but one.


Baldwin: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. (sees Lemmon pouring coffee). Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closer's only. You think I'm fuckin' with you? I am not funkin' with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levine?


Jack Lemmon: Yeah.


Baldwin: You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch.


Ed Harris: I don't gotta listen to this shit.


Baldwin: You certainly don't pal 'cause the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you got all you got, just one week to regain your job, starting with tonight, starting with tonight's sits. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's sale contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is your fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out.


Lemmon: The leads are weak.


Baldwin: The leads are weak. The fuckin' leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business 15 years ...


Harris: What's your name?


Baldwin: Fuck you, that's my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an 80,000 dollar BMW. That's my name. (To Lemmon) And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't close them? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you fuckin' faggots.
(Flips the blackboard)


ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Decision. Have you made your decision for Christ? And action. AIDA. Get out there. You got the prospects coming in, you think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don't walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They're sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it? (To Harris) What's the problem, pal?


Harris: You, boss, you're such a hero, you're so rich, how come you're coming down here and wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?


Baldwin: You see this watch? You see this watch?


Harris: Yeah.


Baldwin: That watch costs more than your car. I made 970,000 dollars last year, how much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father. Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock-sucker. You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit. If you don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, make myself 15,000 dollars. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? Can you?


Go and do likewise. AIDA. Get mad you son-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to sell real-estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours, if not, you're going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ''Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman. It's a tough racket.''


These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for closers. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (To Harris) And to answer your question, pal: Why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fuckin' ass because a loser is a loser.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 16:23, closed)