Make your next motorway journey a bit more interesting...
You get one point for every lorry that has "logistics" written on the side.
You get two points for every lorry that has "solutions" written on the side.
If you see "logistical solutions" you win.
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 10:37, 6 replies)

'The zero emission option' tabard
As seen on cyclists and, even worse, the back of electric scooters.
Do you really emit no emissions, do you not exhail the 'green house gas' CO2, and your scooter not be powered by electricity from a power station?
Get down from your high horse bike that probably generated several tons of co2 in its construction. Accept that it is not a 'zero' emission option and amend/remove your holier than thou vest, or stop breathing (and try to prevent any more gasses being released from your rotting corpse.)
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 10:20, 13 replies)

At best... at worst...
There's a wonderful pair of two-word phrases that the English language offers for the display of approval or scorn for an idea: they are "at worst" and "at best". Each of these phrases has a great deal of argumentative power.

For example, imagine you're listening to a politician describe a policy, and then have to evaluate that policy for a third party. If you're in agreement, the phrase "at worst" is great: it allows you to say that, even if the proponent of the policy is over-optimistic, the overwhelming likelihood is that things will still be OK. Conversely, the phrase "at best" might be deployed if you think the idea is awful; you might want to say that the best possible outcome of the policy is that it'll make the world only slightly worse - the clear unspoken implication being that, however you cut the pie, the idea is a bad one.

It's a lovely little rhetorical device.

So why is it, then, that for the last ten years or so, it's seemed impossible for any commentator to avoid using "at best" and "at worst"? This is a crime against language, and it is so for several reasons.

The first reason is that it's utterly po-faced. The whole point of the two word formulation is that it's suggestive; it doesn't spell things out, but trusts the listener to draw their own conclusions. There's no joy in the formulation. it also indicates a love of language and the use of language. That's utterly eliminated by the four-word version.

The second is that the four-word version treats the listener as an utter imbecile, as though he will be utterly incapable of following any line of argument that is allusive.

Third, it's cowardly, indicating as it does that the speaker not only doesn't trust the listener to follow a trail of implication, but also is terrified that any such failure by the listener, or any misinterpretation by the listener, will be visited on the speaker.

Fourth, it's always, always, always false. The joy of the two-word version is that it's open-ended and never more than suggestive. When you say that x will, at best, cause y, what you clearly mean is that you think something worse than y will happen, and want to leave that thought lingering. By contrast, to conjoin the "at best" and "at worst" phrases indicates a literalism that's idotic because it's always misguided: after all, for any idea, the best that could happen is not a minor diminution of happiness, but the elimination of all misery; and the worst is not the loss of a small marginal opportunity for happiness, but the elimination of all happiness whatsoever. So why, then, circumscribe the rhetoric, when in doing so you commit yourself to talking nonsense? Is a plain falsehood really preferable to allusiveness? And then, if you decide that there's something to be said for rhetoric - and there is, as long as it's not empty rhetoric - why not embrace it fully, and accept that just one of those two-word phrases is enough?

Anyone who uses the phrases "at best" and "at worst" in the same sentence is a dullard, and should expect - at best - to be ignored.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 10:14, 4 replies)

but
As in, "I'm not racist/sexist/homophobic/a paedophile but....."

Almost as bad as people who tell racist jokes by saying, "Can you believe [comedian] actually said this" and then tell the joke in full having absolved themselves of blame.
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 9:45, 3 replies)

'Products'
What products do I use? Soap. End of.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 9:39, 24 replies)

One that makes me grind my teeth...
...on the mecifully rare occasions it reaches my ears:

"Today on the Jeremy Kyle Show..."

Oh and one other that's pissed me off last week at least:

"In this week's Mail On Sunday, I (Kerry Motherfucking Katona) will be wittering on in my typical drug-addled, thick-as-pigshit manner about pretty much anything that Max Cuntbag thinks might be worth a few bob in newspaper sales." or words to that effect. Get it through your spongy skull, you sub-code attention whore - WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I'll let Max Cuntbag know for you.

EDIT: Yes, I suppose for accuracy that could be amended to 'NO-ONE WITH HALF-A-BRAIN OR MORE GIVES A FUCK'. Now I consider that though, I realise that those with less-than-half seem to be in the majority these days so yes again, there's a market for that wank. Depressed now - thanks for that.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 9:37, 2 replies)

"There's a rabbit off "
My boss uses it ALL the time, to every little problem that seems to occur.

Me : "oh, this damn pen, always sto...."
Him : "hhmm.. there must be a rabbit off here somewhere, i'll look into it"
Me : "It's just my pen, i'll ge.."
Him : "I'll touch base with you later"
Me : "I hope you're dead before then."
(TheManofScience, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 9:22, 5 replies)

Those dirty foreigners
Coming to our country, not even bodering to learn the language.

Said by one of those stupid, stupid people whose dream is to go and live in "Spain" (more like Blackpool but sunny, thanks to them) with no intention to learn a bit of Spanish or work and contribute.

I hate them. And they are all bright pink too.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Apr 2010, 9:17, 26 replies)

Push the envelope
'Push the envelope' - WTF? It must have taken a lot of 'blue sky thinking' to come up with that expression.
(userdeath imminent, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 8:53, 9 replies)

work

(knackerz is skinning up, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 8:42, 3 replies)

so i do.
this is a phrase which certain of my slack jawed mouth breating relatives use at the end of any one of their boring and pointless statements.

"I love candy floss, so i do." "i think labour have done a great job, so i do" "i like sticking glass jars up my ass and filming my puckering rusty sherrif's badge as my anal sphincter contracts, thereby crushing the jar and pushing shards of glass through my colon which then allows my particularly fragrant brand of ass contents to seep into my abdominal cavity bringing about a slow painful death by septecemia, so i do"

It drives me bananas.

Do they know that what they are saying is so pointless or stupid that they just want at least one person to agree with them? Even if it is themselves.

Are they unsure if their proclemation truly outlines their exact thoughts on the matter, which leads them to try and convince themselves that it does by using this heinous phrase?

Either way, i reckon that the instant removal of a finger or toe nail followed by a liberal sprinkling of salt every time the phrase is used should see it die out quite soon. And if after twenty times they still dont get it we move onto lump hammers and toes. Payback style.

There we go, i feel much better.
(OTT, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 8:34, 3 replies)

Lobsters being described as fish.
fish don't have legs. Or an exoskeleton.
( parttimedogfish is a Born-Again Reincarnationist, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 8:31, 14 replies)

"Sickth"
It's fucking siXth!
(cuntchops, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 8:28, 4 replies)

Using the words Giant and Titan and other synonyms of BIG to describe seemingly normal sized things.
This particularly annoys me in Football. Yes i like football, a lot as it happens, but it is irritating when Sky Sports or similar choose to hype up a game by describing one or both teams as giants.

I was glad to know that when That Mitchell And Webb Look addressed this in their show, I was not the only person who thought this.

On a side note: Change. That word is going to be bounced around a lot this month, and already it is grating on me. We need it, of course we do (Gordon Brown couldn't lead lemmings off of a cliff), but at least use a synonym. You don't all have to use the word CHANGE. "Change" the record eh?

(First Rant over, time for a holiday. Hull nice this time of year? :P)
(DEADLINK 's head is spinning like a child in a tumble dryer, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 5:00, 4 replies)

Across
It is not possible to be 'across' something unless you are the Forth Road bridge.

Anchor: "And now we're crossing live to Jane Arsebiscuit, who's been across this issue today...Jane."

Cocks.
(dhroadie, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 4:21, 5 replies)

-gate
Whenever there's a scandal of one kind or another, the media LOVES to give it a title using "-gate" as a suffix and I cannot fucking stand it. WATERGATE WAS THE NAME OF THE HOTEL YOU STUPID TWONKS. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH the SCANDAL ITSELF APART FROM LOCATION. STOP THIS NONSENSE.

A great example happened here in NZ when there was a scandal surrounding GE corn seed, which the media dubbed: CORNGATE. I wish I was kidding: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corngate

[Hopefully hasn't been done; I'm fashionably late to the party and too hard and straight and cool to read all the other posts]
(ElGranto, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 4:16, 7 replies)

"Have you
been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault?"

Is there a person alive who hasn't? I'd love to phone one of those ambulance chasing firms up and halfway through the call claim the phone-monkey startled me by speaking too loud and I'd dropped the phone on my toe.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 2:36, 2 replies)

perfume brands
does anyone else think it makes the product sound cheaper when its endorsed by a celebrity, actress or model? i think a perfume sounds more classic if it doesn't have "by sarah jessica parker" tacked on the end.
(ladyintheradiator, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 1:57, 5 replies)

syfy
seriously, what the fuck? i've no problem with sci-fi, it's perfectly acceptable and at least recognisable as an abbreviation, but syfy? the words science and fiction do not contain a single y between them, so why the hell has the sci-fi channel decided to change its name to syfy?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 0:17, 25 replies)

Solution instead of room
Today I went into an Ikea for the first time.
There was a mock up of a small house kitted out with all Ikea lifestyle solutions.
How do I know they were solutions?
Because there was a map thing on the wall telling me this.
Kitchen/Dining Solution ( sink, cupboards and table)
Media Solution ( a gap big enough to take a flat screen TV between the ceiling high Billy bookshelves and white sofas )
Bedroom Solution ( yeah a bed and stuff, you get the picture)

Some of it I rather liked but Solution just bugged me
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 0:14, 8 replies)

Introducing...
Much as I love their products, I'm going to have to blame Apple for this one (whether they started it or not).

It seems that every new product, from the latest piece of electronic tat (the iPad for example - why Apple, just - why?), to the latest model of a car, to industrial machinery is brought out with "Introducing the Knobpolisher 3001...". There's no need for this. I don't need to be introduced to the product, I'm not going to strike up a conversation with it, and I suspect we don't have any shared interests.

I suspect this all started with "Introducing Macintosh..." with it's cutesy smile and "Hello" back in 1984. It's twee, it anthropomorphises inanimate objects unnecessarily, and I'm not having any more do do with it. Goodbye.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 0:00, Reply)

Buy this fabulous item...
...only two, nine, nine.
and
Like, y'know, innit.
and
"th" is not "f" or "v"

I feel better for this little rant.
( Puromycin is still licking windows, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:47, Reply)

No words, just... Nodding
OK, this one's for every outside broadcast reporter on BBC news.

When we cur to you from the studio, and the anchor's asking the question on the critical story you're there to cover. I don't know, kittens stuck up an MP or something. YOU DO NOT NEED TO NOD THROUGH THE WHOLE QUESTION!

I expect you to understand the question. It's your job. I expect you to know the background to the story. That's why you're there. Just keep your fucking head still and try to look intelligent.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:41, 6 replies)

Absolutely!
No, nothing to do with the classic Channel 4 sketch show, but the the use of the word to reflect COMPLETE AND UTTER agreement with the person you're talking to.

As seen on - yes, every UK news channel where a talking head is wheeled in to comment on the issue of the day.

What was wrong with "Yes."?

(With my other posts today, you may be seeing a theme developing here - I used to quite like BBC news, but they seem to be getting as back as ITV.)
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:35, Reply)

Actually
I say it. All the time. All all all all the time and it makes me want to cut my tongue out. I've tried so hard to grow out of it but I can't. I am disgusted with myself.
( bland is bland, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:35, Reply)

NOwwa
My daugther does this.

It can't be a 'no' it must be a 'nowwa'!

She has now(a) infected half of the family and the majority of her friends.

No needa, and wordsa willa bea spokena beforea theya goa backa toa schoola.

Ia blamea the fuckinga parentsa!

Hera tutora isa aa babea soa ia releisha thea opportunitya.

Yeaa shea livesa ina sxa.

Ia almosta crya whena ia seea whata theya bringa homea froma schoola.

Happya daysa - ifa shea thinksa thata ia willa bea impresseda bya thea boyfrienda.

Ia sounda likea thata floppya eareda wanka from Stara Warsa!

Oha bollocksA
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:33, 4 replies)

GUI pronounced as 'gooey'
It's a jee you eye, not a gooey. I even tend to drop the jee, and use the context of sentence to let people know which specific 'you' 'eye' I'm talking about. They're UI's that happen to be graphical. It's a U I.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkDD03yeLnU

I rest my case.

edit: No i don't rest my case. I used the phrase 'the new upgrade will give us greater control over the UIs and therefore enable us to finally meet DDA compliance on the application' in a conference call today. Somebody in an IT role earning 3 times my salary said 'sorry, what does UI mean?' and on clarification said 'oh you mean a gooey!' No I didn't. I meant what I said. The enhancements improve the capability of screen readers for the blind to put the 'gooey' into spoken text.

Now I rest my case!
( more balanced than jeremy beadle It wasn't me..., Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:33, 4 replies)

what in the hell
is a wizard idea? Is that when Harry Potter has a brainfart?
(goorf, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:32, 3 replies)

Mostly Bristolians.
Awrite, my luvver? Gert lush day, innit?

Please don't mind me whilst I rip my ears and your mouth off.

Not just Bristol, but everything seems to be
At the end of the day

At the end of the day you shouldnt a done that!
No, you twit, that's why I punched your illiterate face in this morning

Also, first post. Could this be losing my b3taginity?
( Trogdos The Raging Cuntmuffin, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:30, 4 replies)

"It's the most annoying thing to hit television news"
That's what Fireflier said to Mrs Fireflier as they presenter of the local news used the Tantalising Soundbite to Insipid Main Story style of newsreading for what seemed to be the 10th time that night.

Hopefully you get the idea. This isn't an annoying word or phrase as such, but an extremely annoying presentation style that seems to have evolved into excessive use on all UK news channels.

I'm sure you've seen it. The presenter kicks off with an attention grabbing headline or soundbite, but which has absolutely no content - it's just being used to shock you out of your apparent televisual stupor. Then they follow-up the the apparent "meat" of the story, which is inevitably much less impactful than they would have you believe from the first sentence.

I wouldn't mind, but it's bloody everywhere! Local BBC news seems to be the worst though. It's like they've seen it done on the national news, thought "Oh, THAT'S how the big boys do it" - and now have to shoe-horn it in at every opportunity.

Yes, Sally Taylor from South Today - I'm talking to you.

...and yes - I realise that "impactful" probably make a lot of people's lists of annoying words. I can't help myself - I'm a management consultant. Deal with it.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 23:19, 4 replies)