On Christmas....
Nope. On Christmas Day = OK, At Christmas = OK, On Monday = OK.

"On Christmas" = Work of satan
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:48, 2 replies)

I want one of
I want one of 'them'. Them is not a word to be used to collectivise nouns, it is; 'I want one of those'.

Utter dislike for the word 'firstly' too, the 'ly' is just another syllable, the word 'first', when writing an essay, or in speech, is much more appropriate.
(TEWM, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:23, 12 replies)

All of your phrases and words are annoying
because I read them in my head as a dull monotone whining voice
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:20, 3 replies)

The Well Pause

Step 1. The problem.
"Our political candidates don't just want power over you, they also want to be physically intimidating."

Step 2. The Solution.
"So we've started giving them knives and moustaches."

Step 3. The Well Pause.
"To make them look a little bit more, well... rapey."

Step 4. Rage
(27B/6, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:17, 6 replies)

But
isn't marketing supposed to be a load of bollocks?

Aren't buzzwords supposed to be annoying, like wasps at a picnic?

Isn't one's mater supposed to say nice things?
(roysin, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:14, 1 reply)

grr grr grrr
people who get sitting and sat mixed up for example;

"so i was sat at the bus stop"
NO YOU WEREN'T!!! YOU WERE SITTING AT THE BUS STOP!!

"i were stood over there"
NO, YOU WERE STANDING!!

ok so this may just be around yorkshire but if i'm watching tv and someone says it, i turn it off and walk off in a huff. i can't help it. i even correct them out loud even though i know they can't hear me. i'm an english teacher and this constant abuse of our native tongue drives me crackers!!

oh, and that bird on some kind of crap-in-my-attic program who always says jew-lery instead of jewellery; surely if she's an expert she should be able to say it properly?!

oh actually there's more;
using amount instead of number eg
"the amount of people here today is high"
no, no, no, no, no, NO!

hmm... i think i'm done for now...
(PrincessTinkle is charlie brooker's secret wife, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:09, 6 replies)

'Baby'
I hate, and I mean REALLY HATE it when simpering women ask new mothers "How's 'Baby'?"

Unless the mewling little spew-monster is actually called 'Baby' (or we are referring to the character from a well known film) then is is how is THE baby. THE BABY

Or - even better to give the thing a chance of having an individual identity one day- "How is (insert name of baby here)?"

So many others, too many to mention- but it's that one that really seems to get my goat.
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 13:02, 3 replies)

How could I forget this?
Fluff's post below reminded me of when people are listing stuff. Not the words themselves, but the intonation and pace.

Take for example, someone describing their must-haves for a new house (probably spewed out on a property program of sorts). Imagine the intonation of the first four notes of 'London's Burning', slow it down and apply it to

'a big kitchennn, light and aaiiirryy*, a nice bathrooomm, etc'

Stop it, stop it now. Why do it? What possible meaning are you trying to project with that way of speaking?

"We went swimmmiinngg, sat on the beeeaachh, went shoppiiiinnng, got muuugged.."

* fucking light and airy gets right on my wick.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:58, 4 replies)

Triology.
If you're asking for the Tolkien "tRIOlogy" then presumably you're not intelligent enough to read it.

Mind you, you may also have asked for "that third one, based on the film that's just come out," which just backs up my opinion that you, dear customer, are a retard.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:48, 2 replies)

WFT guys
OMG, you guys really make me lol, to be honest. You really need to take a chill pill and calm down dear. At the end of the day, if people really want to use cliched phrases in these credit crunched times then they should be free to do so, innit. I Aks you, what is the problem? Come on buddies, let's think outside of the box. To be fair and if I'm honest, I can see how some phrases could be annoying so fair play to you all, but moving forwards let do some blue-sky thinking and give it 110% to try and be tolerant.

No offence and I don't mean to be rude but, you are all cunts.

Peace

Ciao
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:46, 3 replies)

Somewhen.
I have a dear, dear friend whom I love very much, but he will insist on using the word "somewhen," which makes me want to scream.

That is all.

For now.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:42, 2 replies)

In Branch...
NatWest and such-annoyingly-smug-adverts-that-I-want-to-punch-something Lloyds-TSB are the chief miscreants in the abuse of the word "branch"..

"Visit us in branch"
"Come in branch for a chat..."

No. NO NO NO NO NO.

It's A branch, or ANY branch.

Visit us in A branch, you twunting cuntbuckets....


Don't get me started on "...for the journey..." either....
( Heywood Djeblowmi is friends with Craven Moorehead, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhg
The young person in the next cube keeps saying "my bad" when he fscks up.
His bad ... WHAT? His bad haircut, obviously. His bad decision to work for this company, yep. His bad ... well lets face it ... everything. The little jerk.
(squeakypony, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:38, 3 replies)

"I'll make you right" and "My bad".
I'll make you right? How exactly? Because you think it's right? Who made you the god of correctness? is your name Jeff fucking Google

Don't say my bad because it doesn't make any sense. I know it might be hard to say but a sorry will suffice

If you're ever thinking of saying either of these phrases please stop yourself, for if you do you are a cock.
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:38, 3 replies)

and another thing
I have colleagues that pronounce "hydraulics", hy-DRAW-lics. really annoys me for some reason.
(fluff, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:28, Reply)

I had a girlfriend once
who used to repeat and slow down the end of sentences for emphasis, like this:

"...and I really didn't like that. rrrrrreally didn't like that."

or

"...oh that is so bad. soooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad."

AAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(fluff, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:26, 2 replies)

Not so much annoying
I am the spirit of dark and gloomy water was more terrifying than annoying.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:26, 1 reply)

Trauma
My mum, a few years ago, began to pronounce it 'Tr-ow-ma'. I'm assuming she got it from watching all those hospital shows, or possibly from actually being in the hospital. Or it could be a cute little play on sounds: Trauma + ouch = trowma. I don't care where she got it from. It hurts my ears every time she says it.
(Beacon, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:26, 2 replies)

txt talk
I don't see the point anymore. The original idea was to cut down the number of keys pressed. But with predictive text that's no longer an issue. For example,

Where are you is fewer keypresses than were r u
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:10, 4 replies)

'So...' WHAT?
I hate it when people end their sentence with a long, drawn-out 'so'. Just finish your damn sentence unless the 'so' is about to indicate that the next thing happened. In which case say so. If you know what I mean.
(dancebiscuits, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:05, 2 replies)

Jiffy
As in I'll be there in a

I now hate this since it lost us a free round at a pub quiz on Tuesday.

"What common unit of time is often defined as a one hundredth of a second?"

Apparently the answer is a jiffy but I think our effort of split second was better. If I were to say (not that I'll ever use that dreadful word again) I'll be there in a jiffy I would likely be giving myself up to a few minutes.

Bitter? Well I would have had one if they had a proper answer.
(bigjonnydynamite, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 12:04, 3 replies)

"First" and "Last"
Usually.
One thousandth?
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:52, 1 reply)

In IT support years ago
I once heard someone pronounce SCSI as 'sexy'. But I quite liked that and adopted it myself.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:42, 13 replies)

I am quite a snob when it comes to English..
It's not correct grammar or punctuation, it's more along the lines of stupid and pointless phrases which seem to make the English language sound more thick. Here are my top few phrases/words which really seem to get up my nose:

"At the end of the day" often followed by a rhetorical "right". Now, this phrase REALLY gets to me. It is repeated time and time again by incredibly stupid people. A point cannot be put across without this phrase being uttered repeatedly. I am not an avid watcher of the Jeremy Kyle show, but admittedly I will watch a segment if it has a DNA or Lie Detector as a sort of guilty pleasure. And the amount of inbred, thick, chav scum which persist to say this phrase make my stomach turn. These people should be sterilised at birth and it should be a serious offence to procreate. Utter scum.

"Not being funny" also often followed by a stomach-churning "right". Why say this? It is pointless. Why do you have to say this before a sentence to set the tone? I know how to have a conversation and I know whether a comment is to be taken lightly or not. This phrase is also interchangeable with "No offence" preceding any point being made.

"But to be fair" is the final one of these pre-sentence tone setters. Don't say it. It is simply not needed. Say your point without this little phrase and I guarantee you people will A) Still understand the point you're putting across and B) Take you more seriously.

"Guesstimate" and "Chillax" are a good example of my next gripe. Two perfectly good words which have been merged together to mean the EXACT same thing as they originally did. Not necessary. Totally counter-intuitive. Stop it. Now.

The use of the word "like" when it's not used as a simile, verb or conjunction. Why do people on insisting in swapping the word "said" for "like". I just don't understand this. And it's usually young girls [not to generalise, but it's what I've picked up on].

For example: And I was like "oh my God! Me too" and he then he was like "what's your name?" and I was like "my name is Jessie"
And the worse thing about it? People are now beginning to type like this. When I see that, I genuinely get cross. It is disgusting English. It is slack, lazy and ugly.

Text talk. Surely I don't have to elaborate on this board? Well, I can mildly understand why people do "txt tlk" as it can save characters on a text message page.. But is your time really that important that you HAVE to miss out all the vowels in a sentence? Really? Not only is it an eye-sore, it is now common to use it in marketing. Brilliant. Cash4gold & Injurylawyers4u are two companies that I want destroyed for being absolutely gay with annoying adverts anyway, not to mention they have spelt their names 100% and fundamentally wrong. Why? Are you trying to appeal to the youth of today? If so, I am insulted. I am 23 and I got my first mobile phone when I was 13 [Ah, the old Nokia 5110] and I grew up through the stage where Mobile phones become incredibly popular. I never have or will I ever text someone sounding like a retard who spells words wrong because I can't be bothered to press extra buttons. Besides, I argue that using the predictive text is faster than not using it and purposefully spelling words wrong.

I genuinely could go on more, but I feel I've highlighted the major problems with the English language in my eyes.
(Jon_LTD Treat the world like a head!, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:37, 11 replies)

Falling...
No, prices have not been lowered. Neither have standards.

They may have fallen. They may have been reduced. But lowered? Ugh.

Yes, I know that "to lower" has been a part of the English language for centuries. Tough. It's still a fucking ugly word.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:35, 3 replies)

a letter just arrived from college
telling me about a revision session at the college, the purpose of which, the head of maths says, is to re-learn the topics...

Re-learn? Surely that only applies if the student has completely forgotten the subject.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:32, 2 replies)

I'm sorry, but...
No, you're not.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:31, 1 reply)

Americans...
...pronouncing 'vehicle' as 'vee-hickall'.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:24, 1 reply)

"I about..."
Or, in its other form, "I jes' about..."

This is a phrase generally used by small town American women who, despite advances in society, technology and taste, still have a permed mullet, one of those ultra-American dead-eyed smiles and wear sweatshirts with twee bears all up them.

The phrase comes about when such lovely lady is caused offense.

"An' dat bitch took the last frickin' donut. I about lost it on her!"

"I jes' about had enough of yer mouth!"

"I about frickin' laughed my ass off!"

No. Until the end of the earth, NO. I dread going 'home' because these phrases of undying idiocy make me want to stab pencils into my ears.

See also:

BOWLTH for 'both'.
COMF-terbul for 'comfortable'.
FI-yerr (two syllables) for 'fire'.
MIER (one syllable) for 'mirror'.
HUNNERT for 'hundred'.
SAMRICH for 'sandwich'.
U-STA for 'used to'.

Repeat until the only option is to remove The Midwest from the world by force.

Just typing them out caused me stomach upset.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:14, 1 reply)

"0207 numbers" and "0208 numbers"
There's just one area code for London now, you mongs.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 11:03, 14 replies)