Angry letter #2
...and the other one:

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter in response to my letter concerning our conversaton of (date). Upon reading it, and I was particularly struck by the whining, petulant tone you’ve seen fit to adopt in an effort to sound authoritative. Let us leave aside the fact that I have shat more authoritative blood into a filthy gutter, and concentrate instead on just what an unpleasant, unlovable and (most likely) unloved fuck you really are.

The main thrust of your complaint seems to be that, although we warned you of a bug in the software, you didn’t read the warning. Somehow, on the strange and lonely world that you slither around in, this is our fault.

Presumably you also believe that the holocaust was the fault of the Jews for being too Jewish, that the Great Fire of London should be laughed at because most homes were built out of wood, and that the Ken Bigley deserved to have his head cut off because his neck was too tempting to all those delightful terrorists.

Anyway, you think that it’s our responsibility to make you read your emails from us. Well, if that’s the way you want it to go then I’m happy to do so. Of course, you do realise that if you want me to take control of what you read, I’m going to take control of so much more.

In fact, I’m looking forward to making you squat down in your office, in front of all your employees (reality check: every single person who works for you would like you to be raped by angry, AIDS infected wolves) and having a squirty, squelching poo into a big bowl of flour. If I’m feeling particularly mean, I may decide to make you ram your fingers up your secretary’s arse and then shove them down her throat, giggling “Mmmm, BUM PUDDING!” and dressed as a clown.

In other words, you unspeakably pathetic and very small total bastard, take some fucking responsibility for yourself. If you don’t want to read out emails, that’s A-OK. But don’t come squealing like a horse with a spike through the balls when it all goes tits up for you, k? K.

Now please; for my sake, and for the sake of all that is good and pure in the world.

Just.

FUCK.

Off.


Your Sincerely…





* - To the surprise of all students of narrative humour everywhere, I never once accidentally sent out the angry letter to the customer.
(Light, Mon 7 Sep 2009, 18:20, 4 replies)

That seems a little unfair on his secretary.

And I have to say I'm a little disappointed that you never accidentally sent any of them.
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Mon 7 Sep 2009, 19:21, closed)

True...
But on the plus side, she could then sue him and win truckfulls of cash.

OR

Find her calling in specialist German films. Win-win really
(Light, Mon 7 Sep 2009, 19:28, closed)

I really wish
you had sent it :(
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 7 Sep 2009, 19:56, closed)

Can wolves
catch AIDS?

Presumably they catch some form of CIV or LIV instead and get Wolf-AIDS from that...

Great letters, though. I thoroughly enjoyed them and I think more people should communicate in this manner. Particularly where bum pudding is concerned.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:34, closed)