MEMENTO
I have a memento, a keepsake I carry round in my wallet which reminds me what a spectacular twat I can be sometimes…

Back in 1993 when I was enjoying the fine weather and ambiance of Manchester as a student, I ended up going back to the halls of residence with a girl named Marilyn. And I’m proud to say that this fine daughter of Exeter took my cherry. Not too sure how that happened – chat up lines are a bit of a misnomer, I’d say. Personally I prefer the shotgun approach; just open your mouth and see what comes out. As a failsafe you could always try the real shotgun approach – but apparently its against the law in this country to demand sexual favors from a pissed up stranger whilst pointing a barrel of a gun at them.

Anyway, Marilyn and I did the deed and I left to stagger back to my own room just across the way. Feeling all manly on account of finally finding some bird who’d let me violate her body. But something weird happened while I was with Marilyn. Something unexpected. I actually felt – in our brief time together – feelings… the type of feelings that up until that point I’d never actually felt before. I actually wanted to be with her, just hang out, I thought I actually enjoyed her company past the point that she was in ownership of a fully functioning and working vagina. OK, she had let me experience the insides of a nice warm, moist vag for the first time ever, but… I felt I was actually in the very early stages of falling in love with her.

This obviously scared the living shit out of me and I went through the next week attempting to come to terms with this bizarre new development. I avoided Marilyn like the fucking plague. I was too much of a pussy to actually go and ask her out, properly like. Even though we’d done the deed this was mainly down to my best mate Boddingtons and her best mate Bacardi and coke. We’d hardly ever actually exchanged a word. (Actually, I do recall on the big night I whispered, very lovingly in her ear: “I want to fuck you like an animal,” which didn’t go down too fucking well). I was an absolute fucking mess.

So, being completely chickenshit, I hit on the idea of writing her a note and posting it in her letterbox (not her fanny, the actual real letterbox for her halls). Took me ages to write. I had to come up with something not too heavy, but also something that would make her realize I really was the one for her. I had to convince her she was definitely onto a good thing if she wanted to take things further. So I wrote the note, sat back and waited. This is what I wrote:



Which reads: Marilyn, You are incredibly hot. I think I love you! When we were together it was like time stood still. We should get together more often. I'd really like to be your boyfriend! Let me know what you think. PS – I promise I usually last longer than 10 seconds! (First night nerves)!

Now, you’re probably wondering how I managed to get this note back so I could fold it into a teeny tiny square and secrete it away in my wallet to wail and wank over for year to come… No, she didn’t come running into my arms, gushing, crying with joy. No, she didn’t pop it back into my own letterbox without another word. No, she didn’t call the police and have a court injunction taken out against me.

No – instead one drizzly March morning I heard a loud repetitive bang on my room door, followed by: “Spanky, you twat!” I opened my door and one of my flatmates, Blackpool Ben held in his hands a photocopy of my letter. “TEN FUCKING SECONDS! WOOOO! YOU SUPER FUCKING STUD!”
I snatched the letter out of his hands, seriously pissed off. I was lovestruck, vulnerable… I savagely tore the letter into little pieces and lobbed it in my bin. Blackpool Ben continued: “No point doin’ that, son. Marilyn and her flatmates have taped about a zillion copies all over the fucking place…”

Fucker…

Didn’t get laid for a whole year after that. Just had random people coming up to me in the SU saying: “Are you the ten second man?” with a look of utter contempt, disgust, or consolation on their face.

Chatup lines, possibly… Chatup LETTERS…

Don’t. Just fucking don’t.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 14:12, 6 replies)

If we ever meet
I will buy you a drink for the cringeing joy this has brought me.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 14:53, closed)

first
he has to show you the letter...
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 16:20, closed)

NEVER WRITE IT DOWN !!!
You're asking for trouble, mate. If its any consolation this had be laughing like a tit all these years later. Well done!
(Lizard King, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 15:10, closed)

Did the 10 seconds include
time standing still?
(salvadorevincent, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:37, closed)

As always; excellent.
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 3:00, closed)