i've
never asked a guy out in my life. instead i still have a 12 year old's cringing fear of my crushes being discovered. which the current object of my office affections probably just has after months of careful secrecy on my part, given that it was the christmas party on friday night* and it would be quicker to count the people i didn't confide all my secrets to after about 15 vodkas on the rocks. i am dreading monday!

but i have had my fair share of horrendous come-ons. most recently, facebook has a nice line in sleazy men trying to add me - mmm, always particularly tempting when their english is remedial and their relationship status box says "in an open relationship". but the worst was a posh party i went to down at a tennis club in west london a few weeks ago. i had come straight from work, so was pretty conservatively dressed, just black trousers and a very demure pink top that showed about an inch of cleavage, maximum. unfortunately it was clearly an inch too far. i went to the bar to buy a round, and a cliche of a wankerbanker (you know the look, bloodshot crossed eyes, blue shirt with white cuffs, floppy hair) who was leaning on it turned to look at me. i politely ignored his beer breath, which smelled like a corpse rotting in a brewery, and smiled back at his vacant leering. then he said loudly:

"i have to tell you." (no, no you don't have to tell me anything, i thought) "you have got the most beautiful eyes..... and the MOST ENORMOUS TITS i have ever seen."

this charming and flattering line worked so well that a few minutes later he was getting his cock expertly sucked in my overwhelming gratitude for the compliment. or the exact opposite, in fact.

* the latest in this depressing saga being that about 15 people asked me or various colleagues if we were a couple and what was going on between us on fri night (admittedly there was much flirting). tragically it's a very easy question to answer, given that we were the last 2 in the bar and then walked back to the office at 2.30am only for him then to tell me he got back with his ex a few weeks ago!! we were also discussing the car loan, and he actually told me that his girlfriend asked if they could fuck in it and that he had been horrified by the suggestion that he would be so rude as to do that in my car. why would he tell me that? why? why, b3ta, why?! verbally incontinent fuckwit! i really don't understand how there can be so much chemistry that complete third party strangers can see it, but the loser bloke on the other side to me in the equation cannot. /bitter blog
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 16:48, 6 replies)

i like tits

( broadsword now that's fresh, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 17:05, closed)

well they are young and pert
or whatever it was that got psychochomp banned. is this enough tit-related info to score me a place in amorousbadger's qotw fail archive, which, somewhat to my offended surprise, i don't seem to have managed yet?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 17:17, closed)

"i really don't understand how there can be so much chemistry that complete third party strangers can see it, but the loser bloke on the other side to me in the equation cannot."

I think you just answered your own question.
If the first word doesn't explain it, the second one definitely does.
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 18:01, closed)

I'm so glad there is someone out there who's more crap than me at choosing blokes.

( girlinthehole, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 18:51, closed)

The problem here is your self-confidence.
You're too nice (or insecure and needy) to tell lads like this to fuck off straightforwardly, so they don't take the hint. Next time someone like that accosts you, scream at him and smack him in the face. Claim he sexually assaulted you too, just to be on the safe side. Trust me, unless he's very dense he won't be trying that again in a hurry!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 22:56, closed)

it must have worked for him once before
as he was also modelling a wedding ring. nice touch of class there. i do wish i'd done what you suggest. instead i was so taken aback i did my best retarded goldfish impression (which is a pretty accurate one).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 23:28, closed)