Cheap TatOneEyedMonster remindes us about the crap you can buy in pound shops: "Batteries that lasted about an hour and then died. A screwdriver with a loose handle so I couldn't turn the damn screw, and a tape measure which wasn't at all accurate."
Similarly, my neighbour bought a lawnmower from Argos that was so cheap the wheels didn't go round, it sort of skidded over the grass whilst gently back-combing it.
What's the cheapest, most useless crap you've bought?
(
chthonic, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 7:26)
« Go Back
I believe that personal organisers are our future…Approximately 1825 moons (or 5 years) ago, I went to a ‘Computer Fair’ (you know the type: ‘Tomorrow’s technology at yesterday’s trade prices blah blah’).
Despite the fact that these fairs are notoriously shoddy, invariably leave me nostril-deep in useless crap, clutter and claptrap and are swamped by infamous twats, charlatans and tat-mongers…these places are like catnip to me.
Gadgets, you see…really pump my nads.
So it will not come to anybody’s surprise to hear that when I saw a crudely written sign on one of the stalls saying ‘Latest Personal Organiser’, I shot over there like a fat-arsed rubber bullet fired out of some sort of twunt-gun.
The grubby looking Fagan lookalike behind the stall, no doubt sensing that he was going to soon be on the decent end of the quickest, easiest and stupidest sale of his life, leaned towards me and grinned a wry smile, looking for all intent and purposes like an old wise gypsy who was about to reveal to me the secret of eternal life.
“These things are smart, mate”, he gushes, pointing to the plastic-sealed item in front of him. “Pocket PCs, they do your accounts, sort out your appointments, you can write memos…everything! Dead handy…You’ll never be without it”
Looking down, his story seems to check out. I see an item that is about 7 inches by 3. There is a big red button on the top and on what looks like a massive screen there are sort of touchpad keys with an odd, not quite QWERTY keyboard and a few extra buttons.
I realised there and then that this was the one item I needed to make my life complete.
With my eyes wide and gleaming, imagining the jealous looks on my friends and relatives’ faces and using my sleeve to wipe the drool from my mouth I tentatively plead: “H-h-h-how much?”
“25 quid” the scruffy cunt exclaims, “And I’ve only got this one left”
To be honest, he hadn’t even got to the ‘Q’ of ‘Quid’ before my left hand launched at the item (before anybody else could snatch this uber-bargain away), and my right hand was thrust into my pocket, desperately grubbing for cash like a starving raccoon looking for scraps of food in a dustbin.
My luck was in! 20 pounds! I hand it over to him and continue to rummage through my change. As I struggle to gather about another 3 pounds or so in loose change and place it in his increasingly weighed down hands the man sighs:
“That’ll do mate, call it 23 quid”
I thought to myself ‘Surely this is the single greatest act of kindness I have ever witnessed’ as I make my way to the exit of the fair.
I can hardly contain my excitement as I burst through the door of my house and tear at the plastic packaging, hopping from foot to foot.
The organiser came with one of those pointy prodder stick jobs and I used it the press the big red button. It jumped into life with a satisfying ‘beep’.
It was here that I noticed the first problem. The screen which appeared to be about 5 inches across was actually about 1 inch at the top.
Undeterred, I continued. ‘I wonder how I set an appointment on it?’ I thought as I pressed the key saying ‘Memo’. It didn’t work. Neither did any of the QWERTY keys.
In fact, only the number keys worked. I had bought a trumped up gargantuan calculator badly made to look like a PDA.
Truly, I was a twat.
I’m still waiting for the donkey ears to sprout from my head.
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 4 Jan 2008, 10:45,
6 replies)
"a fat-arsed rubber bullet fired out of some sort of twunt-gun"This nugget alone deserves a click.
(
reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 11:17,
closed)
^This^I was going to make almost the exact same comment.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 12:01,
closed)
I agreethat was also my favourite moment, in fact I'm writing in on my grans birthday card right now
(, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 13:02, closed)
"Gadgets, you see…really pump my nads."guilty.
(
Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 18:57,
closed)
"Twunt-gun"!You win the internet.
(, Sun 6 Jan 2008, 14:39, closed)
Likewise......you had me at 'Twunt Gun'
(, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 17:19, closed)
« Go Back