my parents weren't very religious people
but we still got dragged to church once a week as kids. i think it was most likely because my parents always went when they were kids, because their parents always went when- you get the picture. plus we're catholic, so i guess we're hedging our bets.

as i got older, i developed many ways to skive church. usually i would say that i would go on sunday morning, then pop in to pick up an order of service to prove that i'd been before carrying on to do something sinful like meet friends or eat chocolate and stare moodily into the river bollin mooning over the latest crush.

but when i was very young, there were no such saving graces. two things stick out in my memory. the first was when i was about 4. i was watching the priest with interest in his long shiny robes. he was doing something that looked awfully familiar. something i had seen my dad do. yes, yes - he was brewing his own booze! i leaned forward and then sat back in shock as the greedy priest hooned off the lot.

"oh," i announced to the whole church in my (then) broad yorkshire accent. "daddy's wine all gone now."

on a louder but somewhat less cute note(i dispute this story. i blame my dad. but nobody believes me.), when i was about 2, i was in church with the family. apparently. and apparently even cute 2 year old girls with dark ringlets in bunches with bows on them and new sunday dresses sometimes fart. and apparently when they do that, the fact that their tiny bottoms are on hard wooden benches magnifies the sound very loudly so that it echoes and rings around the entire silent stone church.

and apparently the parping perp then turns to their family with round shocked eyes and a round shocked mouth and says sternly:

"LITTLE GRANDMA!"

start the deceit as you mean to go on.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 10:53, 5 replies)

You couldn't form proper sentences by the time you were four?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 12:38, closed)

She was in Yorkshire

( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 12:43, closed)

what? why does it matter if i was 2, 3 or 4
it's a pointless little story about a young child in church, not a scientific experiment to prove the meaning of life, ffs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 15:14, closed)

I'm just saying, if you weren't speaking properly at age 4 then perhaps you have learning difficulties.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 19:55, closed)

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:10, closed)

What?

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Mon 5 Sep 2011, 14:20, closed)

Mooning over your latest crush?
I bet that got their attention.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 15:36, closed)

ha
not in a good way. just in a chin-in-hand sighing a lot and listening to songs about unrequited love kind of way.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Sep 2011, 15:50, closed)