beat this
I was on a long-distance bus travelling in the remote north western corner of China when it broke down. By an amazing coincidence, another bus had broken down at the same spot. We were hundreds of miles from the nearest habitation and I mused poetically that not a soul in the world knew where I was. Then, as I stared off towards the mountainous horizon, I heard a rustling in some road-side bushes.

It was my mother having a piss. Unbelievably, she had decided to take a solo holiday in China and had caught the wrong bus, ending up in the same remote spot! Well, I had to pinch myself.

"Do you know each other?" asked a fellow traveller. We turned and saw ... my Uncle Darren! He'd been on the same bus as me for twenty hours but I hadn't recognised him because of his new beard! Holy shit! We couldn't believe it.

"Fancy meeting you here," piped up a familiar voice. It was the driver, an elderly Chinese man ... who worked down our local takeaway!! He was driving the bus as a favour to his eldest son, who lived near the Nepalese border. At that very moment, Cilla Black's rendition of "Surprise Surprise" came over the bus radio. We laughed until we coughed up blood.

How were we rescued? Well, a coach was coming from the opposite direction and it stopped for us. Only - you're not going to believe this - it was our pub darts team on their Asian tour! Holy mother-fucking Christ!

I got on the coach and slumped into a comfy seat. But there was something under my left ass cheek. I reached down and dug it out ... only to find the Action Man helmet I'd lost in Sheffield twenty years earlier. It still had my name written on it in marker.

"Oh, you've found my helmet," said a voice. "My name's Frankspencer - what's yours?"

I just filled my pants with soft and incredulous crap.
(frankspencer, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 14:03, Reply)