Chickenlady's Seven Deadly Sins #2 GREED
How my own greed has caused my undoing in the past...
And I'm still working SLOTH because it's a pearoast.

Don't eat the meat toasties!
Case #1
Place: Istanbul and Bodrum, Turkey
Probable cause : Delicious meat toastie
1st Remedy : Lemon Juice mixed with Nescafe Coffee
Result - Copious vomiting

2nd Remedy : Laying in bed and attempting to die
Result - Auditory hallucinations - an entire episode of 'Moonlighting' (remember that?) heard in English, followed the plot, got the jokes, the lot. Except it was in Turkish. I don't speak Turkish.

1st Comedy Moment : I'm in the bathroom expelling from both ends. Boyfriend of the time in the bedroom asking me to hurry up. Now. Please. Hurry Up! Oh Dear God!

Don't bother.

2nd Comedy Moment : I will not be beaten by this bug so I book a daytrip to Ephesus. Feeling much better, managed the entire coach journey with no problems at all. Reach the ancient site, get off the coach.
*Cough*
Oops.

3rd Comedy Moment : On return through Customs at Gatwick I am pulled over by the men in uniform. Why? I've just returned from a fortnight in the sun. I look like death - grey pallor, slightly sweaty, and who am I looking out for? My case has to be broken open - couldn't find the key. In an explosion of dirty knickers (eeww! But not *that* dirty) the Customs guys find……nothing but overspending. They fine me and tell me I'll be sent to prison if I do it again within five years. I cry as I watch men and women with healthy tans walk past wearing entire leather outfits and Turkish carpets strapped to their backs.

Final Results and Conclusion
I see my GP. I suggest I have Typhoid. He tells me I have Salmonella. I lose nearly 30 pounds in weight.
RESULT!

****************

Case #2
Place: Tangier, Morocco
Probable cause : Delicious meat toastie
1st Remedy : 'Medicalcork' (that's the generic name, it's also known as 'Bungup' and 'Stopshits' ) from the local doctor.
Result - Stop producing pale brown fluid from both ends.

2nd Remedy : Eating small quantities of boiled rice
Result - entire bowel peristalsis is halted
Comedy Moment : I can't go. At. All. I try eating a little fruit. Nothing. A little fruit juice. Nothing. Two days later I feel the urge to go. I retire to the bathroom - a cupboard in the hotel room. I sit and wait. And wait. Then. Oh. My. God. I want to die. I begin to cry. My husband (at that time, #1) hears me, he comes and holds my hands. Slowly over the course of what seemed like hours I manage to pass a small white golf ball.



A golf ball.

Forgive me for my greed.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 12:05, 4 replies)

You ate a golf ball?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 12:14, closed)

Or was it inserted?

(Tugnut I got them all..., Fri 27 Aug 2010, 15:43, closed)

Neither
the medication had somehow clumped together to form what can best be described as a golf ball.

Although there was that fling with Tiger Woods....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 17:18, closed)

auditory hallucinations
i've experienced the same thing, although with spanish telly. you know that bit when you're not asleep but not quite awake yet? well, i've heard the telly that i left on the previous night when i got back to the hotel drunk. i can hear the show in english, but it's in spanish, which becomes apparent as i wake up properly.
my theory isd that we all have a form of universal translator in our heads, yet we are unable to use it as we haven't evolved enough yet. occasionally, when our minds are focused just right, it starts working for a while. as soon as we start to use our brains properly, it stops working.
i don't know if this is true, but i'd love it to be.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 20:07, closed)