Happy Birthday / new pet gerbil / catching the bad aids / whatever…LEAVE ME ALONE!...

Rant alert.

I realise that this post will not exactly cover me in glory. I am also aware that it’s only a tenuous link at best to corporate idiocy, as it is the general workforce and not any ‘Corporation’ per se that I consider at fault here. However, I can stay silent no longer.

The office that I work in is quite large – there are a few hundred people here. To put it another way, it’s just the exact right amount of people to result in there being some sort of daily ‘event’ …that requires the inevitable whip-round and the subsequent, oh-so-hilarious comments on some fucking flowery oversized card that will be chucked away within five minutes.

‘You’ve had a baby!’ – that’s wonderful, I get it, jog on. ‘You’re sitting in a bath of beans for charity?’ – hilarious… good on you , now move along. ‘Oh, your twice-removed auntie Hilda has vet bills mounting for her limping tortoise?’… - Deepest sympathies…now please piss the cunt off.

I don’t think ‘desensitisation’ is quite the correct word here, but I hope you get what I mean. My once proud spirit of generosity has slowly been reduced to a mere cynical sneer when I am approached by constant requests for me to put my hand in my pocket and drain my precious beer fund just so I can contribute towards some random bollocks that is happening to some useless twunt that I probably don’t even know.

I understand…I disgust you. I’m tighter than a crabs’ arse at a thousand fathoms. Don’t get me wrong here, I realise that I’m not going to be up for the Nobel peace prize anytime soon – yet at this moment in time I don’t care.

Take your begging and fuck right off.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 24 Feb 2012, 16:25, 13 replies)

I agree with you, completely.
I also suspect we're in the majority.

In 2004 I was put in charge of an office with about 40 employees. There were 3 or 4 women who had taken it upon themselves to arrange birthday cards, cakes and presents for everybodys birthdays. Times 40 that's once every week or two, which seemed to me to be a lot - each time the lights would go off, a cake with candles would be trundled in, singing etc, bringing the place to a halt for 15 - 20 minutes each time.

The first time one of them came over to me to ask for a quid, or whatever it was, I very publically and loudly refused to get involved.

Fully expecting a bit of a backlash, I was quite surprised to see half the other people in the office do the same, which as far as I could see they had never done before.

I think there were 2 or 3 half hearted attempts to do it again, but the whole tradition pretty much stopped dead.

Only proved to me that nobody really wanted it, they just felt obliged because everybody else did it.
(username failed moderation, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 16:36, closed)

Haha, well done.
Someone had cakes for a birthday the other day. It's a new one here, I'm 100% sure nobody knows when my birthday is. My boss might be able to work it out based on my holidays but then I take the odd event off every year anyway. I'm not even sure if anyone even knows how old I am come to think of it.

No wonder my appraisal suggested I raise my profile in the office eh?
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 16:55, closed)

Did someone
say something?

Hello . . .?
(username failed moderation, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 16:59, closed)

'oh the tall miserable one that works over there'

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 17:06, closed)

What a miserable twunt! :P
Just kidding - I know what you mean. I, personally, am quite happy to put my hand in my pocket when these things come around, presuming I have the spare quid to do so, but it is the sense that you absolutely MUST do this every time, otherwise your are scorned for it. Whatever happened to gratitude and personal choice, when putting your hand in your pocket was a gift rather than a requirement that people feel they can demand from you?

The hypocrisy of it all is that these same people will often be the same ones that will conveniently 'forget' to do the same when it comes to their turn to put their hand in their pocket, and they will almost certainly feel obliged and pressured, rather than doing something willingly out of their own generosity. It is like they've felt forced into it, so they will force others into it as well. If they had any respect for people, then they would respect their ability to choose whether to donate or contribute, based on what they believe in.
(Da' Vane, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 17:17, closed)

I dislike the idea of forced friendship.
I have no problem with being professional, civil and courteous but if I do choose to be your friend it's up to me. There's a big drive at our work to be a happy social family and I'm not a fan. I quite like having solid lines between work and my private life.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 17:24, closed)

We had a similar, if much more expensive thing in Switzerland.
There were about ten of us in the group and the secretary decided that as one of the women was having a baby, we'd all chip in for a present. Fair enough, I thought. However, what she decided the other person wanted was a custom-made baby changing table at Fr. 500 (or about 270 quid at the time) and expected everyone to cough up 1/10th the cost.
When I left, I'd heard a rumour that she was arranging something ghastly and expensive for my workmates to buy, so I headed her off by suggesting a comparatively very cheap thing, chipping in half myself and it being something very useful.
She also lost Fr. 400 of my expenses receipts so I never saw the money.
Cow.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 25 Feb 2012, 6:22, closed)

Hahaha no friends

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 25 Feb 2012, 9:44, closed)

I like the way my work seems to do it...
A smaller place, so not quite with the same regularity, but everytime someone is leaving or something relevant happens, they leave a tin/card in the canteen for you to add to if you want to.

If I like the people or charity I will happily chip in, if I don't or just don't really know them I can avoid the issue and just ignore it.

Similarly I wouldn't expect anyone I don't have anything to do to give a shit if I am having a kid or leaving or whatever.
(442, Sat 25 Feb 2012, 11:15, closed)

This makes sense...

However, where I work, I would fear that an open tin with money in it would be prey to some greedy bastards who would raid it and nick the cash for the vending machine.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 27 Feb 2012, 11:24, closed)

I'm with you brother
I make it a rule not to bring money to work, because I can't be trusted it, it just disappears on coffee, chocolate and crisps so I leave all change at home.

This makes me Mr Super-mean when the envelope for pressie comes round, and in my team, we have a relay race of pregnancy, with at least two off at any one time on mat leave.

I like the tip from another b3tan who signs all cards: "Commiserations on the loss of your hat, James [or some other name of non-existent team member"

I save time by copying (at the top of the card), the exact message someone else has written lower down - makes it look like they copied me!

How someone in their 30s can even celebrate a birthday leaves me baffled - GROW UP.

...and *click*
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 27 Feb 2012, 12:03, closed)

I managed to put a stop to this at my old company
I used to work somewhere of a similar size with about 200 employees. Sick with the constant harassment for loose change to be donated to people we hardly knew/actively disliked, me and my mate went round with a card and collection for Nigel, who was leaving the company. An hour later and we have a card full of inane platitudes and about £30 in cash.

We sent an email to all staff the following day thanking them for the £30 we had spent on booze the night before, saying that Nigel would not mind AS HE DID NOT FUCKING EXIST.

This soon stopped the practice of mass collections. Give it a go and see how you get on.
(Bappage, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 16:14, closed)

^^That^^...

Is fucking GENIUS!

I will take steps to hatch a similar plan.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 16:16, closed)