Cold Caller fun
It's only loosely related, and it's too easy a target really, but I fielded a call the other day that went as follows:

~Telephone rings~

Me: Hello?

Woman with Indian Accent: Hello Mr Ousgg, my name is Julie* from PC Solutions**. I am calling about your computer. We have received an error message saying you have a virus.

Me: Oh dear. We'd better fix...

WwIA: We can fix your problem and help you scan your PC.

Me: Excellent. OK. Before you do, could you just confirm my IP address for me?

WwIA: What?

Me: My IP address.

WwIA: Your address is 14 Station Rd...***

Me: No. Not my home address. My IP address.

WwIA: I don't understand.

Me: You have received some data from my PC, right?

WwIA: Yes, we have received an error message saying you have a virus. We can help...

Me: Yes. If you have received data and you know it's from me, then you must have my IP address****

WwIA: ~Long Pause, paper rustles extensively~

Me: Hello?

WwIA: Hello, Mr Ousgg, my name is Julie from PC Solutions...

Me: Yes, you've told me all this#

WwIA: I'm calling about your computer...

~At this point I put the phone down, open a bag of crisps##, and wait patiently.~

WwIA: ...can you see your computer now?

Me: ~having finished crisps~ Yes, but I'm not letting you do anything to it until you confirm my IP address.

WwIA: Your address is 14 Station Rd...

Me: Not my home address. My IP address.

WwIA: Your address is SW15 4...

Me: Not my postcode. My IP address.

WwIA: Oh! Just one minute, sir.###

WwIA: ~sotto voce, to Boss~ What is... "IP Adress"?

Boss: ~sotto voce, to WwIA~ IP Address is his network location####. Let me take the call, Anjum!#####

Boss: ~to me~ Hello, this is Derek+ from PC Solutions...

~I go and get another bag of crisps and we cycle round much the same conversation~

Boss: I can confirm your IP Address is 192.168.127.101++

Me: Well, that would be my Internal LAN IP, yes. So which part of my network are you connected to?

Boss: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I must teach my wife to do this as well.

----

* Why do they do this? Who do they think they're fooling? Do they assume we're all racist because we won't talk to women called Anjum or Madhur?

** Or some other singularly unoriginal bullshit company name.

*** This is not my actual address. I had to change that to stop Amorous Badger poking shit through my letterbox.

**** Note how the conversation has switched from her interrupting me to vice versa. Very important for dealing with prats from Madras pretending to be prats from PC World.

# Daft bat has lost her place in the script and decides to start again, That'll help.

## Walkers' Roast Chicken, if you must know

### At this point I'm having slightly small kittens just in case she does come back with a relevant string of digits, but not to fear...

#### I was marginally impressed at this point

##### See! I knew it!

+ Really???!!!

++ Again, I'm ever so slightly impressed by this man's capacity for utter bullshit in the name of trying to install data harvest software onto my PC.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 17:26, 17 replies)

Good work
If cold callers ring me at home and I'm on a day off I take a similar line by trying to keep them on the 'phone as long as possible.

I'm never rude to the caller, always unfailingly polite and if I'm nearing the end of the patience of the first caller I ask to be referred up to their boss. I figure that I'm being kind in that in the time I was on they could have had 10 snarling racists on the line instead.
(Barnetboy, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 17:41, closed)

If they phone me I'm going to play ball using my netbook.
It runs arch linux.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 17:44, closed)

I usually knock it on the head fairly quickly with
"I don't have any computers in the house running Windows I'm afraid."
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 24 Feb 2012, 21:15, closed)

I did that one.
Btu still kept them on the phone for 20 minutes before setting Mr Entity onto them.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 25 Feb 2012, 21:00, closed)

I just said "I'm sorry I don't have a computer" to the last one of these that phoned me...
He literally stopped mid sentence and said "You don't have a computer?! How can such a thing be?!" and hung up :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 16:36, closed)

I had a call of that very same type today
Once he got into the spiel about improving my PC, I had to tell him he was ten minutes too late as I'd just ordered it's spanking new replacement, so I had no need of their services, even if it hadn't been a con.

And while he paused to plan an alternative strategy, I wished him a hearty farewell.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Fri 24 Feb 2012, 18:12, closed)

I had one of these guys ring me earlier this week.
They were ringing on behalf of Microsoft, and had detected several viruses infecting Windows on my PC.
Really? That's clever.
Oh, yes. If I would just go to this website...
You're a liar.
Please don't call me that, sir; now if you go to this website, we can clear these viruses from your PC.
I don't have a PC. It doesn't run Windows. Bye.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 19:40, closed)

Macfag

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 20:33, closed)

I keep a whistle handy for calls like this.
It's very effective. As far as I'm aware it's not illegal but I'm not a lawyer. Even if it is - who are they going to complain to.
(azgiles, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 20:05, closed)

Like changing your IP address is going to stop Albert Marshmallow seeing your n00dz.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 20:33, closed)

I assume Albert has made detailed drawings of everyone's dicks already.

I'm just looking forward to the compilation video.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 25 Feb 2012, 0:40, closed)

We occasionally get customers calling saying they've given their card details to these jokers.
Once we've stopped laughing, we transfer them to the fraud dept.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 24 Feb 2012, 23:19, closed)

Depending on mood...
There are two options:
#1 - clock the scamming bastards in a couple of seconds then hang up (rude parting optional)

#2 - See how much of their time you can waste... I have merrily spent 15 minutes "following" their instructions before pointing out that my Mac doesn't have that option, making them wait repeatedly while my computer crashes or hangs while they walk me through this (obviously it must have many virii, thank you very much sir for your help in removing them) and acting like a computer illiterate idiot and misunderstanding every question and instruction they give.

You know you have done a good job when they start screaming obscenities down the phone at you when they finally realise you are taking the piss.

Other sales calls I have taken to asking them to wait for a moment while I get the homeowner who would probably like to hear about their exciting double glazing based opportunity and seeing how long they hang on waiting on the now silent line.
(442, Sat 25 Feb 2012, 11:09, closed)

I go for option 2
I ended up with the guy shouting 'why are you being so difficult' at me.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 25 Feb 2012, 21:02, closed)

6 calls in 1 week
has been my record so far. My favourite was when after about ten minutes of him giving me instructions, I asked what the "defrost" button did. After realising the electronic noises he'd been hearing were in fact me heating milk for a latte, he lost it a bit, screamed "do not make me slang you" then got very upset about how much of his time I'd wasted. When I pointed out that as he'd called me, it was entirely his fault for wasting time, he called me a pig faced bastard and hung up. Enjoyed my latte though :)
(DonMorte Cake is a made up drug, Sat 25 Feb 2012, 15:50, closed)

Coffee
-snorted-down-nose moment!
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Sat 25 Feb 2012, 16:11, closed)

Customer Service
Ain't what it used to be, is it?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 26 Feb 2012, 0:35, closed)