so, so many crazy people
my mother is one of 12 siblings and my dad is one of 9, so there are a hell of a lot to choose from.

auntie connie
once rang my mum at 2a.m saying that there was a strange man in her bed. mum just said "connie, is it uncle roy?" it was. she'd forgotten about her own husband.
decorated her kitchen in flowery wallpaper. my sister went in there to get a glass and couldn't find the way out for 5 minutes. she'd wallpapered the door as well.

my brother
if he's frying an egg and it spits at him (the hot fat) he'll spit back at it.
refuses to believe he's colourblind and accuses us of ganging up on him, just to tell him the coat he thinks is green is actually grey.

my mum
talks to the dinner when she's cooking it.
phones me at odd times to ask if i know where she's put her umbrella/glasses/keys.
sings sons with the words wrong at the top of her voice for no reason.
stares at you 2 hours after you arrive at her house and says "hello.

uncle ernie
points at people at family parties and says "i think i'm related to you!"

auntie linda
took my 3-year-old sister to town and lost her, then left her there so she could come home to tell mum she'd lost her. she was about 20 at the time.
forbids anyone from mentioning belly buttons anywhere near her.
refuses to pluck the hairs from her chin, despite the fact that they're so long, she could lay them out at night as tripwires.

uncle ian
greets everybody he sees with "alright, mings!"
thinks taped-up jack duckworth-style glasses are cool.
replies to every question with "ooh, you bloody thing, you!"

that's just a small section of my family. this is why i live alone and will never reproduce.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 3:12, Reply)