Shock and awe skidmark
I will try to make this quick and painless.

My (then) girlfriend and I were staying at my parent's place, and we had the spare room to ourselves. The bed was only a single, so we spent the night very closely spooned. Although it wasn't yet morning, I slowly woke with the realisation that I had an erection so hard that a cat couldn't scratch it, accompanied by a strong sensation that I had to poo.

My morning glory couldn't help but make its presence felt, and my girlfriend rarely rejected any nocturnal nudging of her nether regions. Before I had a chance to step out to the loo, she pounced on me like Oprah on a baked ham.

After using me as a vaulting box for a while (we were yung 'uns then), I disentangled myself and snuck out to the lav to ease the pressure in my bowel.

On return, in the dim light I could see my girlfriend was trying to examine a darkish patch on the sheets. "Are you OK?" she asked "It looks like you've been bleeding".

I flicked on the bedside lamp. The dark patch on the sheets popped out of the darkness as a long, thick pasty skidmark of poo. Obviously, I had been touching cloth during our gymnastics and made my mark, so to speak.

She said nothing, I said nothing, and we curled up on the smear-free side of the bed.

To make things worse, the next morning my mum dashed in while I was at breakfast and stripped the bedsheets for washing, thwarting well-laid plans to wash them myself. She -must- have found the offending smear - as it would have taken a paint scraper and a stiff elbow to chip the stuff off by then.

To this day the slightest tinge of brown in my underwear brings all of this back and leaves me shuddering with horror.


Long time lurker, first time post, please be gentle.
(bulbus1 *whoop whoop* pull up, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 18:50, 7 replies)

Click
Any mention of poo will make you most welcome here. Nice one, I was cringing.
(Rsoles, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 19:31, closed)

Rachelswipe
will be able to identify with this!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 19:53, closed)

she pounced on me like Oprah on a baked ham
you will do well here young padawan

*CLICK*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 20:14, closed)

Very good
That had me chuckling like the Oprah that got the key to the full fat yoghurt factory.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 20:44, closed)

"To this day the slightest tinge of brown in my underwear..."
Please wipe more thoroughly, really. This shouldn't happen beyond the age of eight. Use wet ones, or wet the paper in the sink (very lightly). Just be sure NEVER to double-dip!
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 21:43, closed)

^ everything said here
TOP TIP! Spit on the paper to moisten

Not only do you clean yourself fantasticly, it is kind of like licking your own arse.
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 22:29, closed)

Cleaning the clacker
I am with you on the spit paper solution. I have used it myself many times, and yes it does occur to me that it is defacto licking my arse.

Does that mean that when your mum spits on a tissue and wipes your face, she is - in effect - licking your face?

Let's not go any further with that, OK?

I must say, that these days I live in a part of the world where fully automated date washers are de riguer. Warm water cleaning the clacker, with adjustable pressure and temperature... nothing better. I could do it all day. Beats the hell out of spit on the paper.
(bulbus1 *whoop whoop* pull up, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 16:29, closed)