Not strictly relevant (and a bit long; sorry)
But at least it's funnier than my other post...




Northumbria University scholars are preparing to rewrite the Bible by incorporating revelations contained in ancient scrolls discovered beside the South Shields Ferry jetty, it emerged yesterday.

A team of theologians and historians will gather in Italy later this month to start the potentially explosive task of inserting new details about the life and times of Jesus Christ.

The influence of radical Jewish groups who wanted to overthrow Roman rule is likely to feature in the new Bible, bolstering those who interpret Christ as a revolutionary who fought political oppression.

An account of the teenage years of Jesus has also been included in the Bible (2nd Edition). It is believed that this new Biblical book, the Gospel according to Jesus' mate Dave, will detail the life of Jesus from age 13 to 19. Certain early miracles are alluded to such as Jesus turning the water into cheap strong dry cider and the miracle of the Removal of the Hangover.

We have read some of the early drafts of the manuscripts and can confirm that, if included, the texts promise to revamp the Bible and it's image. We have acquired an exclusive copy of Chapters 3 and 4 of this new Gospel, which runs as follows;

Jesus' mate Dave, Chapter 3, verse 1.
1. "And the 6th day did come to pass, and lo, being as it was a Friday, the Lord did decide to cane it most heavily.

2.Yet we, his followers were doubtful. "Lord," we said unto him "We have no sheckles with which to buy cider from the local emporium. How can it be that we can go on the lash this day? All avenues of cash are closed to us, insomuch as we have spent our pocket money on these new robes which mark us out as one of your gang."

3.And Jesus did grin as he spake unto us. "Fear not my friend Dave, for I have seen the way and I will provide for thee. After supper, let us all meet at the prearranged place. Let all of you bring unto me 3 amphorae of water."

4."And most of all my friends, let us ensure that we wear our trendiest threads for it is foretold that Mary Magdalene will be there this very eve. And most assuredly, I would love to give her one." Thus spake the lord.

5. So it was that we, his friends, gathered at the place that we were commanded to go and each of us did carry with us 3 amphorae of water

6. For our parents, being suspicious that we would be getting pissed and causing trouble round town, had foresaken us from nicking the sherry from their drinks cabinets and so this eve we were above suspicion insomuch as we were carrying only water.

7. And we did meet with the Lord. And lo, Jesus' mate Kev was full of wrath ere he arrived. "Lord, I will be a fucking laughing stock because of you!" called he. And we did observe how the water had spilled from his amphorae.

8. And lo, the Lord spake "Kev, you look just like you've pissed yourself". And the lord did point and laugh, and being his friends, we did the same. So it came to pass that Kev stormed off in a huff whilst we did, in accordance with the lords command, call after him with names such as "Pissy Pants".

9. So it was that we 11 found ourselves alone with the Lord in a back alley with amphorae of water numbering 1 score and 13. And the Lord's mate Tommy spake thus;

10 "So what the fuck are we meant to do with 33 litres of water oh Lord? Indeed, I would have more chance of getting pissed in the temple of our Lord whose name I may not speak."

11. The Lord did receive this most grievously phrased question in silence. At length he spake thus "Drink of thy amphorae Tommy, and tell me what thy chances of getting good and hammered are this very night." And Tommy did take a mighty draft of his amphorae. And he did lower it from his lips in surprise and spake thus;

12 "Fuck me Lord! This stuff is the strongest cider I have yet tasted!" The Lord smiled at him and bade us follow the example provided by Tommy.

13. And there was much rejoicing.

14. And so it came to pass that after we had downed one amphorae each, we were three sheets to the wind with 2 amphorae remaining for each of us. And as we drank, the Lord (who seemed in quite a state) spake unto each of us

15. Saying "Drink of me, for this is my pish. Whenever you drink of this holy liquid, remember me and honour my name and that of my father".

16. And lo, the Lord did find this exceedingly amusing insomuch as he kept breaking into fits of giggles as he spoke.

17. By this time a crowd had gathered near to us. Yea, it was comprised of women, blondes and brunettes both, betwixt the ages of 16 and 18. And they spake unto the Lord thus;

18. "Here, give us some of thy cider O Lord. For we have a great and grievous thirst and would be most grateful" And the Lord did say "Just how grateful would you be?" and did waggle his eybrows in a most conspiratorial manner.

19. And Mary Magdalene did push her way forward to the Lord. And she was wearing naught but a tight fitting low cut robe. She did say unto the Lord "How grateful would you like us to be?". And she did wink in a most lewd manner.

20. And so the Lord did agree to give the women cider. And in exchange they did lay with us all night.

21. And there was much rejoicing.

Jesus' mate Dave Chapter 4 Verse 1
1. And yea, it came to pass that after we had shot our lot within the good woman who shared the cider with us and after the aforementioned cider had ran dry, the ladies did take their leave from us.

2. Yet we were troubled, for the Lord was no-where to be seen.

3. And neither was Mary Magdalene.

4. And so it was that after a few minutes the Lord did emerge from a darkened doorway. And Mary Magdalene did follow him, and was seen to be wiping something sticky from the corner of her mouth.

5. And we did join the Lord in laughter, knowing well what had came to pass in the doorway. And Mary did eye us with contempt and spake thus unto us "Cease thy boyish laughter. If any of thou were half the man that the Lord is, then perhaps you too would know the joys of my flesh. Indeed, he is the only one whom I would do such things for and even then, I do so in the name of his cider."

6. And the Lord did speak once more, saying "I suppose a shunt up your Cadbury's alley is out of the question then?" And there was much laughter, though not from Mary Magdalene.

7. And she did raise her knee in a most violent and passionate manner.

8. And the Lord did crumple in a heap.

9. Once Mary Magdalene had gone from this place, we did help the Lord to his feet as his loyal friends and did escort him to his home having agreed that we should all meet the following morning at his place.

10. And so we all returned to the places from whence we had came so that we may sleep. And the morning did come, and lo, my head did feel as though a Roman legion did march throughout, banging their metal shields as they did go.

11. And there was much sorrow.

12. So it was that we all gathered in the house of the Lord's mum and dad. And the Lord's mum did laugh mightily upon seeing our sorry state, and did offer us all a cooked breakfast. And with much heaving of stomachs we did refuse to a man.

13. The Lord did emerge looking fresh and untroubled by our exertions of the previous night. And he spake thus;

14. "Whew! We really did cane it big time last night, eh lads? Lads? What's up?"

15. For there was a weeping and a wailing and a gnashing of teeth from us, such was the depth of our hangover.

16. And the Lord did smile knowingly and did wave his hand in the air speaking thus;

17. "Abrakebabra! I cast out the demons of thy hangover in the name of my Father, of me, and of the Holy Ghost"

18. And lo, our heads did clear and our stomachs did cease their burbling.

19. And there was much rejoicing.


The Bible is based mostly on manuscripts written centuries after Christ lived, but the so-called Dead Sea scrolls, found at Qumran by shepherds in 1947, have been dated to the decades before and after his crucifixion.
The 800 documents, written by the Essenes, a Jewish sect, date from 170 BC to AD 68, and chronicle the turbulence of the Roman occupation of Judea as well as the lives of the teenagers who lived there.

Gianluigi Boschi, a Dominican priest and Vatican biblical scholar, told yesterday's La Stampa, a Turin daily newspaper, that an international commission of scholars had been given the green light to update the Bible by culling material from the scrolls.

The initiative will be officially announced at a conference at the University of Northumbria on September 26 2006. The team is expected to include Etienne Nodet, author of The Origins of Christianity; Paolo Garuti, a biblical scholar; and Garcia Martinez, president of the international movement for Qumranic studies.

Jolum Wristmeyer, a canon doctor at Oxford University, welcomed the initiative but suggested the results may be less than dramatic. "There has never been a settled, definitive version of the Bible, it has been an evolving book which has gone through many translations depending on what the Pope, or whoever happened to be in charge of any particular band of Godbotherers, wanted people to do. Only fundamentalists think it came in a fax from heaven. And frankly, anyone who tries to bring out a definitive version to end all arguments may as well try spanking their monkey in the Vatican Square”.
(Light, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 16:52, Reply)